Month: January 2008

Hello Kitty Darth Vader Tattoo

by

It was bound to happen because, as regular readers well know, this is Hello Kitty Hell and that means there is no limit when it comes to Hello Kittification. It also means that common decency is suspended and the sacrilege event of mixing Hello Kitty with other pop culture icons –which should not happen in the worst of nightmares — is common place. With a Hello Kitty Darth Vader and a Hello Kitty stormtrooper tattoo already in existence, it was only a matter of time before the Hello Kitty Darth Vader tattoo would appear:

Hello Kitty Darth Vader tattoo

There isn’t a lot more to say about this other than it’s wrong…just completely wrong…which, when you think about it, pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell in its entirety…

Sent in by tattoo artist Brian from Youngstown, Ohio (via a painting from Nick) who once again deserves the worst of the worst (and possibly a Hello Kitty tattoo of his own) for thinking in any way, shape, or form that sending this to me was a good idea…

Hello Kitty Counter-Strike

by

It seems that Hello Kitty is not satisfied with having her presence only in World of Warcraft. She also feels it’s necessary to be a part of other shooter games such as Counter-Strike:

Hello Kitty Counter Strike

Hello Kitty Counter-Strike

While my wife has no interest in computer games, she knows that I do so she makes the assumption that if Hello Kitty is somehow connected with computer games, it will help me enjoy Hello Kitty (fall under her evil spell). There is something just so wrong with going onto your computer to play a shooting game and finding a Pepto Bismol pink screen with Hello Kitty all over it. It’s seriously worse than all the blood and guts (at least a lot more nauseating…) and never a good omen In Hello Kitty Hell to find that there is one less place to escape the evil feline…

Sent in by PubliusCanis (via fps banana) who should have to play all his shooter games with Hello Kitty themes for even thinking for a split second that sending this to me would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Toilet Paper Storage Cabinet

by

One would assume that once you have Hello Kitty toilet paper, and a Hello Kitty electronic toilet paper dispenser, you have pretty much covered all the toilet paper Hello Kittification that you can, but remembering that this is Hello Kitty Hell, there is always something else to place the evil feline on. Thus the bright minds at Sanrio decided that there should be a Hello Kitty toilet paper storage cabinet:

Hello Kitty toilet paper cabinet

Hello Kitty toilet paper holder

Hello Kitty toilet container

That’s right. Hello Kitty demands that toilet paper be stored in it’s own, specially designed Hello Kitty themed toilet paper cabinet. It really doesn’t matter that toilet paper cabinets don’t exist or that there really isn’t a reason anyone would need one, but inventing useless items with Hello Kitty on them has never been an issue in the past, so I suppose it makes no sense that they would stop doing so now.

What I do find amusing is that Hello Kitty toilet paper wasn’t used in the photo. Knowing my wife, I imagine that Sanrio wanted to use it, but when they went to try, none of the fanatics that had purchased it were willing to actually unwrap the rolls and ruin their collection (refer to my own experience on this). There must have been a lot of screaming and yelling as to why each person’s precious toilet paper collection couldn’t be sacrificed for the photo. It probably made a hockey fight look like two lovers holding hands strolling down a flower lined lane in comparison, After a lot of blood and guts, they simply decided that plain white toilet paper had to do.

Of course, my wife thinks it would be a great addition to our interior (despite the fact that there is absolutely no place in our bathroom where something like this would fit, but again, small facts like that have never stopped purchases in the past). I know that Hello Kitty Hell is getting bad when I look at this and say to myself that on the scale of things, a completely useless object that will only get in the way and cost far too much isn’t nearly as bad as it could be…

Hello Kitty Wedding Cake

by

What is it about Hello Kitty fanatics and weddings? There is something about the two together that bring out the worst in a Hello Kitty fanatic as can be plainly seen in any type of Hello Kitty wedding. This is one area that still brings fear to the forefront since we didn’t have a Hello Kitty wedding and my wife feels that she somehow missed something by not (thankfully, we got married long before the Hello Kitty fanaticism began) having one. But that yearning on my wife’s side to have a Hello Kitty anniversary wedding keeps popping up every time something like a Hello Kitty wedding cake ends up in my email box:

Hello Kitty wedding cake

There is nothing that says doom and terror more for a groom than having to cut and serve your guests something like that on your wedding day. I have no doubt upon seeing that cake that there is another man that has every right to be a guest writer on this blog and he deserves to have the pity of men worldwide for the torture he is suffering.

Of course, my wife thinks it’s “absolutely adorable” and I distinctly heard the words “we should get one like that when we have our anniversary we…” at which point I slammed the door on my hand and screamed in pain because I calculated it would be infinitely less painful to do that than hearing the rest of the sentence. Unfortunately, it was probably only a temporary solution to the problem so I have a feeling that my extremities are going to be quite black and blue this coming week which seems to be a minor price to pay considering the alternative when living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Mitzi who should only be able to eat that for the rest of her life for contemplating even for a second that it was a good idea to send me this photo…

Hello Kitty Toilet Sign

by

What is it about Hello Kitty and toilets? She has a whole line of Hello Kitty toilet paper and while it really didn’t surprise me that there was a Hello Kitty toilet, the Hello Kitty urinal target and Hello Kitty electronic toilet paper dispenser simply confirmed that the evil feline likes her face everywhere. Then, of course, there is our disaster of a bathroom. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there are also Hello Kitty (and Dear Daniel) toilet signs:

Hello Kitty toilet sign

Dear Daniel toilet sign Japanese

Dear Daniel toilet sign western

As a man, the Hello Kittification of my bodily functions is extremely disturbing. No matter what remedies Hello Kitty tries, it’s never going to be “cute” and there’s really no reason to pretend it ever could be. Of course, my wife doesn’t believe that for a second (but then the Japanese have buttons on their toilets that make a flushing noise so that you can’t hear bodily functions as well – it won’t surprise me if the Hello Kitty theme song replaces these flushing noises someday).

It’s bad enough (and obviously a sign that there’s something terribly wrong in the world) when a man can’t sit down to take a dump without Hello Kitty all around, but now we actually have Hello Kitty telling us where to do so…which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by deniz and brightspring, both of who should have to live with Hello Kitty bathrooms as bad as mine for the rest of their lives for even considering it would be a good idea to send me these photos…

Hello Kitty Motorcycle Honda NSR

by

It’s when I receive emails like this, it’s going to be a bad day in Hello Kitty Hell (then again, can there ever really be a “good” day when your life is surrounded by the evil feline?) because I know the reaction of my wife will be the complete opposite of mine. Unwritten rules in Hello Kitty Hell state that the Hello Kitty fanatic will love a Hello Kitty item in direct inverse of how much the husband despises it. So I already knew what her reaction was going to be the second I saw this Hello Kitty Honda NSR motorcycle:

Hello Kitty motorcycle

Hello Kitty Honda motorcycle

Hello Kitty Honda NSR motorcycle

First, why would someone ever do that to a nice piece of machinery? I guess that’s a question that you can really ask about anything that has been Hello Kittified, but a motorcycle? The main problem with this is that I’ve been thinking about getting a motorcycle, with the number one attribute being that there aren’t Hello Kitty motorcycles, so the last thing I needed to show up in my email box was a Pepto-Bismol tinted, blinged out Hello Kitty motorcycle model to give my wife the idea that this would be a good thing to get.

Of course, my wife adores it. She’s been full out against the motorcycle idea as she stumped for the Hello Kitty scooter as being a better choice, but did a 100% about face upon seeing this. “Oh, if you get that motorcycle, I don’t have a problem…”

Somehow, a 6 foot 3 inch foreigner riding around in Japan on this with a Hello Kitty helmet seems like a good excuse for the police to shoot me as a suspected terrorist (I mean, seriously, wouldn’t you expect a terrorist to be using things like this on his final mission to really bring fear into the Japanese people?). All I know is my dream of having transportation free of Hello Kitty is quickly fading away and another reminder that Hello Kitty Hell can always get worse…

Sent in by Lexmj who noted, “I saw this horrendous motorcycle while visiting this particular motorshop for repairs…I really felt that it scares the spirit of riding outta this bike. I hope it won’t cause nightmares to you as it did to me, really dampens my passion for riding whenever I thought of it” which, of course, is exactly what he accomplished by sending this too me and therefore should have to ride that thing everyday for the rest of his life as punishment…

Jesus Tattoo

by

It just never stops. When I listed the first set of Hello Kitty Tattoos, I naively thought that the topic wouldn’t come up again. It didn’t take long for the Hello Kitty Star Wars Storm Trooper tattoo to appear, then the Hello Kitty Batman tattoo which I, again, thought would put things to an end. But then there was the Hello Kitty zombie tattoo and then Hello Kitty zombie II tattoo. I felt those were never gong to be able to be topped until I saw the Hello Kitty scarification which pretty much clinched the title in my opinion, but alas, things always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…

I know you read the title of this post and were shaking your head in disbelief even before you looked at what I have written. You thought that I was exaggerating to draw you into the blog because there is no way in Hell (Hello Kitty or otherwise) that anyone would ever get a Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo. Hello Kitty fanatics are wacko, but there is a line even they will not cross, right? See, I have had that delusion too, but it always proves to be wrong because fanatics of the evil feline don’t know what a line looks like that shouldn’t be crossed. Thus, the Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo:

Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo

No problem, I’m more than happy to wait a few minutes while you clean up the mess on your computer screen and keyboard before writing more. Take your time and make sure that all food and drink have been expelled from your stomach before attempting to look again. No, it’s not a problem that you need to run to the bathroom again because while cleaning up you noticed that it really does say “Hello Kitty is my Jesus” – I’ve already been there and understand that the food just won’t stay down…

Each year I look at what Hello Kitty Hell the previous year provided and have a small glimmer of hope that things can’t get any worse. I pat myself on the back for surviving another year without gouging my eyes out with Hello Kitty forks (or spoons or chopsticks or basically any utensil since they have all been Hello Kittified) due to all the Hello Kitty that surrounds me and imagine that the worst is surely over. Then within the first two weeks of the New Year, something like this ends up in my mailbox to remind me that Hello Kitty Hell can always get worse and 2008 is going to bring unbearable amounts of Hello Kitty pain…

Sent in by tattoo artist Brian from Youngstown, Ohio who deserves the worst of the worst that Hello Kitty can offer for not only thinking for a second that it was a good idea to send this photo to me, but for also giving notice of what 2008 is going to be like in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Head For People

by

You knew that Sanrio and the evil feline wouldn’t be able to leave it alone with cats and more cats and dogs. They simply figured that if Hello Kitty fanatics were willing to torture their pets with these Hello Kitty heads, they would be more than willing to do it to themselves (even if it isn’t Halloween). Now the average person would say, “Wait a minute here. Hello Kitty fanatics are fanatical, but even they wouldn’t be so fanatical as to want a Hello Kitty head to wear on there head.” This, of course, is why Sanrio is a multi-billion dollar company and non fanatics are shaking their heads in amazement with only a few dollars in their pockets wondering if there could ever be an end to this:

Hello Kitty head

Sometimes a picture says it all and there is nothing left to do in Hello Kitty Hell than to weep and hope the nightmare ends…

Left by emma-chan in the comments who I should wish unthinkable torture upon for even thinking it was a good idea to leave this photo for me to see, but who is obviously torturing herself far more than I could ever even imagine…

Hello Kitty Photo of Horror

by

This is what happens when you marry a Hello Kitty fanatic. I feel his pain and commend him for being able to squeeze out a smile through those clinched teeth of shame. All the photos in the world do not do justice to what it’s like to live with a Hello Kitty fanatic, but this one does give a glimpse into the horrendous torture that comes with it:

Hello Kitty fanatic

Not only does a Hello Kitty fanatic make their significant other dress up for a photo like this (and think it’s enjoyable), but once the photo is taken, they show all their friends and even send it to blogs like mine so that they are able to humiliate the significant other even more while being completely oblivious of what they are doing. That, my friends, pretty much sums up the everyday events of Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Kelly, who I should recommend some hideous Hello Kitty torture to undergo for even thinking it was a good idea to send this to me, but judging from this photo, she would simply enjoy it far too much. Her husband is free to do a guest column here at any time…

Hello Kitty Seed Art

by

It’s not often that I see something Hello Kitty that first appears so horrible that I’m actually relieved when I find out what it truly is. It does happen on occasion such as with the Hello Kitty cheese, but it’s a rarity. That rarity happened again when I received an email and thought I was initially looking at a Hello Kitty Zen rock garden:

Hello Kitty seed art

In fact, it’s something called crop art and is made with seeds and beans (which in itself brings about 2 very disturbing points: 1. There is now a Hello Kitty fanatic out there somewhere making plans to create a Hello Kitty Zen rock garden since I mentioned it and 2. Hello Kitty has found her way into something as obscure as the crop art world). Thus, even in relief of finding out it wasn’t something worse, the potential of the initial assumption is bound to become reality in the near future (remember that Hello Kitty cheese – the awful truth was fulfilled there too) which pretty much sums up another day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Nina (via Suzanne Mears Crop Art Gallery) who really should have to eat only seeds and beans for the rest of her life for even considering it was a good idea to send this to me…