Hello Kitty Checks

Even though we live in Japan where checks are not accepted, my wife had to have these (surprise, surprise).

Hello Kitty checks

Hello Kitty checks

Hello Kitty checks

Hello Kitty checks

Hello Kitty checks

Even worse, when we move back to the US, I will likely be forced to use these patterns (mental note to self: don’t ask wife to order checks for me). I can already imagine how manly I’m going to look going up to the store check-out register and whipping out my Hello Kitty checks…a toss up between that and using the Hello Kitty credit card

Thanks to CH Hair Fan who really should be forced to use these checks for the rest of her life for bringing them to my wife’s attention

Hello Kitty Business Card Case

This is why Hello Kitty brings hell to the spouses of Hello Kitty fanatics. It’s bad enough that my wife “had to have” the Hello Kitty Gold business card. The problem is once you have the outrageously expensive business card, where do you keep it? In an outrageously expensive Hello Kitty business card holder, of course:

Hello Kitty business card case

Hello Kitty business card holder close-up

This business card holder is made of 24 karat gold and covered with Swarovski crystal beads and costs a mere $225 (27,300 yen). My wife thinks it’s stylish and cute and makes the perfect fit for the gold Hello Kitty business card.

This is where Hello Kitty excels – not only does she come up with completely useless things that she knows Hello Kitty fanatics will have to have, once she does, she comes up with accessories for the completely useless things. I have no doubt that she will also develop useless accessories for the useless accessories of the useless items (perhaps a gold threaded business card holder bag so that the Swarovski crystals don’t get damaged?). Then of course there will need to be a useless accessory for the useless accessory for the useless accessory of the useless item and so on…

I have no doubt that there is a reason that this Hello Kitty business card holder comes with crossed bones behind is it foreshadows my Hello Kitty Hell future. If you pick any Hello Kitty item, you can create a spider web of useless accessories linking them all together and I’m that struggling insect trapped in the web fighting to break free as Hello Kitty comes forth ready to sink her fangs into me and insert just enough venom to paralyze me, yet keep me alive so she can slowly suck the life out of me over a long period of time…that my friends, is a glimpse of what Hello Kitty Hell feels like…

Hello Kitty Business Card

There are useless pieces of Hello Kitty crap and then there are truly useless pieces of Hello Kitty crap. While I cringe no matter what new Hello Kitty item is going to be added to my wife’s Hello Kitty collection, it’s things like this that makes me know that the people at Sanrio basically decide that anything they come in contact with can be Hello Kittified and sold to Hello Kitty fanatics for a huge profit:

Hello Kitty business card

Hello Kitty gold business card

That is Hello Kitty’s business card and, of course, as soon as my wife saw it she had to have it.

me: “Now, why exactly do you need Hello Kitty’s business card?” (yes, I know, a stupid question for me to even consider asking, but it slipped out in that instant of dumbfounded incomprehension that comes when any normal person sees most Hello Kitty items for the first time and wonders “who in their right might would ever buy that?”)

wife: “It’s gold.”

me: “ummm, it has a thin layer of gold laminated onto the paper…” (knowing that I should just keep my mouth shut)

wife: “It’s a limited edition item. It will be worth lots in the future.” (beginning to get that tone of “why do I even have to explain this to you?”)

me: “It doesn’t matter because you will never sell it.” (the nasty look of a Hello Kitty fanatic glazing into her eyes when non fanatics question anything Hello Kitty related)

wife: “It has Hello Kitty’s real name on it. It’s a very rare thing. Every true Hello Kitty fan will have one.” (with a huff of exasperation because I just didn’t get it)

me: “So you are going to buy a Hello Kitty business card because it has a bit of gold on it, it’s limited edition and Hello Kitty’s real name is on it?” (realizing this is not going to end well)

wife: “Yes” (as she gives her Hello Kitty credit card number to buy it)

me: “And you are willing to pay $85 for a business card?” (still letting the disbelief let me talk instead of quietly accepting the inevitable with a smile)

wife: “It’s a bargain.” (finalizing the purchase)

me: “You realize that Hello Kitty doesn’t really exist so that business card can’t really be hers?” (realizing that I had committed a Hello Kitty high crime for even suggesting that Hello Kitty wasn’t “real”)

wife: shouting in rapid fire a large number of colorful words that Hello Kitty could never say even if she did have a mouth while pointing toward the closet for me to get the Hello Kitty sleeping bag…

Thanks to Mrs Muffle who left a link in the comments which ultimately lead me to sleep on the couch — likely for the next couple of days. She should have to face the wrath of a Hello Kitty fanatic when told Hello Kitty doesn’t exist on a daily basis…