It didn’t take long for things to get a whole lot worse. After the Hello Kitty duct tape spawned the Hello Kitty duct tape purse, you would think that those of us living in Hello Kitty Hell would get a few days of respite to heal our eyes (and minds) from the hideousness. That, of course, is not how the evil feline rolls. Thus some Hello Kitty fanatic decided against all common sense (and human decency) that a Hello Kitty duct tape dress would somehow be a positive addition to the world:
Obviously, there are far too many Hello Kitty fanatic moms out there with have the sole purpose in their life being to permanently scar their child. There is no other explanation for something like Hello Kitty knitted tights to exist:
For some unfathomable reason, Hello Kitty fanatics feel that it’s appropriate to send me photos of their Hello Kitty collections. Believe me, opening an email filled with photos of a Hello Kitty collection is probably one of the most hellish things that one can ever experience, especially early in the morning or just after a meal. This Hello Kitty T Shirt collection left me nauseated for the rest of the week:
The problem with living in Hello Kitty Hell is that there isn’t a season that is safe. The Hello Kitty bikini ensures that I have absolutely no desire for summer to arrive, but then things like Hello Kitty ear muffs (almost as bad as the Hello Kitty hat and mittens) get sent to me and it’s obvious that it’s high time for winter to be over:
When you live in Hello Kitty Hell, you always have to be extra careful what you wish for. I was imagining how it would be absolutely wonderful when winter is over and the warm weather is once again upon us. Then this Hello Kitty bikini monstrosity landed in my email proving that exile to Antarctica would be far less painful than having to endure a summer of having to look at Hello Kitty bead bikinis:
When it comes to Hello Kitty fanatics, you can be pretty sure that their unfortunate obsession includes shoes. It doesn’t matter if they are Hello Kitty Reeboks, Hello Kitty Nikes, Hello Kitty Asics or the infamous Hello Kitty Converse (seriously folks, over 300 comments mostly from fanatics whining) — and that is not to mention the Hello Kitty heels or Hello Kitty bowling shoes. So it really shouldn’t be a surprise that someone out there, in their completely deluded logic, thought that a pair of Hello Kitty Toms would be a good idea:
Hello Kitty has already started producing Hello Kitty mind altering chemicals (Yes, she also makes this and this which is what probably first came to mind when I mentioned mind altering chemicals), so it makes perfect sense that they would want to profit from this by selling Hello Kitty gas masks as well:
Every time it gets to the point where I believe that things can never get worse, the evil feline makes sure to let me know that Hello Kitty Hell can always get worse. It is distressing (and more than a little disturbing) that I still have people asking me where they can find Hello Kitty Converse shoes 4 years after first posting about them (not to mention Hello Kitty fanatics wishing me dead for refusing to tell them where my wife got them).
Once the people at Sanrio saw all the fuss these were causing, they decided that Hello Kitty x shoes was an impossible to lose combination which lead to unfortunate creations such as Hello Kitty Asics shoes, Hello Kitty Reebok shoes and Hello Kitty Nike shoes (not to mention Hello Kitty bowling shoes and Hello Kitty heels)
Any normal person would imagine that Sanrio had fully exploited this combo, but it now appears that they have just started by adding another horrifying aspect to the mix. Instead of leaving bad enough alone at Hello Kitty x Reebok, the powers driving Hello Kitty Hell decided that to really torture most of us, a Hello Kitty x Reebok x plush combination was somehow a good idea:
Apparently there is a rumor going around that Hello Kitty was created as a result of a pact with the devil. While I would like to claim that this idea was mine (hey, I live in Hello Kitty Hell), it turns out that this episode is far more sinister:
The story is how Hello Kitty came to be…that a mother or father, depending on the version of the story had a child that had cancer. The parent made a pact with the devil that if the child was cured they would create a character in the devil’s honor that would be adored worldwide. There are different variations but they all boil down to the point that Hello Kitty is evil and that God fearing people should stay away from any HK products as they are affiliated with the Devil and Devil worship.
While this is not technically true, it’s hard to dismiss completely since Sanrio likes to use the devil theme on many of their products:
It’s when I get emails like this that I fear for the future generations of the human race. There really should be a rule at every college that if you feel that Hello Kitty should be on your graduation cap when you are about to graduate, you forfeit your degree and have to begin your education from kindergarten again: