Music

Hello Kitty Piano

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In Hello Kitty’s never ending quest to always make things worse than she already has, she has moved beyond the Hello Kitty roll up piano and decided to brand a full size piano as well…

Hello Kitty piano

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. It does actually look like someone downed several bottles of Pepto Bismol and then decided to regurgitate it up all over their piano (which is quite ironic since that is the exact thing that I want to do when I look at this), but this is what Hello Kitty (and her fanatic followers) believe is a “cute” color.

Of course, because of its extreme cuteness (did you know that you can tell how cute a Hello Kitty fanatic thinks an item of the evil feline is by how high their voice goes when they tell you how cute it is? If you did, then you have passed one of the many tests that let you know you live in Hello Kitty Hell and I send my deepest sympathies) my wife thinks that this would be something that would be perfect for our house. Never mind that she doesn’t play the piano (we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t have to actually use any of the things that they buy, especially musical instruments) or want to learn how to. Once again we see that no matter how bad Hello Kitty Hell gets, there is always the opportunity of it getting worse…

Left in the comments by KT (via markoniinimaki) who really deserves to have to play this instrument everyday for the rest of her life and stare at the pink for imagining that this could ever be a good idea to leave the photo in the comments for me to find…

Hello Kitty Air Guitar

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It’s bad enough that there are a wide arrange of Hello Kitty electric guitars (not to mention Hello Kitty acoustic guitars), but it goes to a whole new level when Hello Kitty forces her way into an air guitar competition:

I really didn’t need to see this and I’m sure I’ll be having plenty of nightmares about it in the days to come, but that is typical when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by R who wrote, “I thought you would NOT enjoy this as much as I DIDN’T enjoy it, But misery loves company, so…” but still deserves to listen to all his music played on Hello Kitty guitars for making me share his misery…

Hello Kitty Karaoke Machine

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While all Hello Kitty products make me cringe, there are some that go beyond the normal Hello Kitty Hell cringe and bring actual physical pain to me when I think about them. My head is throbbing just thinking about the newest gadget my wife wants: the Hello Kitty Karaoke machine:

Hello Kitty karaoke

Listening to the Hello Kitty theme song is enough to make any normal human sick, but accompany that with Hello Kitty fanatics singing the song at the top of their lungs in delight, and you pretty much have the worst torture chamber that one could ever imagine. The fact that they will continue to sing the same Hello Kitty theme song over and over again for eternity without any sign of tiring makes it all the worse.

I have no doubt that the people at Sanrio created this specifically to increase the heat in Hello Kitty Hell…

Aly & AJ Tour

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My ears are ringing with pain at just the thought of this – a tween pop duo with Hello Kitty electric guitars being sponsored by Hello Kitty to go on tour known as Aly & AJ. Never heard of them? Neither has my wife, but since they are touring around in a Hello Kitty themed bus and sponsored by Sanrio, my wife assumes (it is never good to go on the assumed advice of a Hello Kitty fanatic unless you are looking for a good reason to quickly end your life, which will be provided countless times and in ways far too cruel for you to ever imagine) that they must be good:

Hello Kitty Aly & AJ Tour

Hello Kitty Aly & AJ Tour Bus

When Hello Kitty decides to sponsor your tour and gives you all kinds of Hello Kitty crap to fill your bus, there is no doubt that there are going to be way too many Hello Kitty fanatics in attendance. I also imagine that their music sounds like the Hello Kitty theme song trying to be morphed into tween pop rock which pretty much means that, unless you are a Hello Kitty fanatic, you’d much rather be holding a plugged in toaster while taking a bath since this would likely be only a fraction as painful. Worse yet, my wife will likely start playing their music over and over again on her Hello Kitty speakers just to drive out the last bit of sanity that might have prevailed…

So the Hello Kitty Hell question of the month is, would attending one of their concerts be worse than attending the Hello Kitty musical? (this is the finest example of Hello Kitty Hell – trying to decide which of two events to attend knowing that both will likely force you to suicide in a manner of seconds after either of the shows start). I think I’ll go and get that toaster now and jump into the bath…

Thanks to Peter who should have to listen to every one of their Hello Kitty concerts for bringing this to the attention of my wife…

Hello Kitty Musical

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When you live in Hello Kitty Hell, a “fun night on the town” is not what any normal person would consider “fun.” Unfortunately, there are a lot of Hello Kitty themed events that I end up getting dragged along to. By far the worst of these are the Hello Kitty musicals:

Hello Kitty Musical

I don’t know if there is an adequate way to describe the excruciating pain that comes with having to attend one of these. Let’s just say that I would rather have a root canal at the dentist with no anesthesia than attend a Hello Kitty musical. In fact, give me a random person on the street with a pair of pliers…it would still be less painful. Think of your worst nightmare and add Hello Kitty singing and dancing to it and you have only scratched the surface of how bad a Hello Kitty musical is. It’s Hello Kitty Hell on steroids…

In fact, here is my advice to you. If you have any enemies in the world, buy them Hello Kitty musical tickets. They will think you have done something nice for them, but they will never be the same when they get out…

For those that doubt me, enjoy the torture (I warned you and I do advise to keep all sharp objects out of reach) of these short audio clips from it:

Feeling As I Do
Guard You With My Life

Thanks to Adora for reminding me I will likely have to attend another one of these in the near future by emailing this Hello Kitty musical info in Hong Kong — she should have to suffer through one of these on a daily basis for the rest of her life…

Hello Kitty Piano – Roll Up Style

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You know that Hello Kitty Hell is getting bad when my wife wants something Hello Kitty and I think, “Well, at least it’s not as bad as it could be.” That was my thought when she announced that she wanted the Hello Kitty roll-up piano:

Hello Kitty keyboard

Hello Kitty piano

While any normal person would take one look at that and simply say, “Why the hell would anyone need that?” living in Hello Kitty Hell warps your perceptions. My initial reaction was, “At least it’s not a full sized Hello Kitty piano monstrosity.” (Yes, I know — very, very sad)

As with all of the Hello Kitty musical instruments my wife has to have for her collection, she has no desire to ever play it (at least I hope so – Hello Kitty themed songs on a piano would be pretty damn hellish). This is what Hello Kitty Hell has done to me – I am actually hoping that my wife buys Hello Kitty stuff that she will never use and can be stored away so that they don’t have to be seen — pretty pathetic…

Hello Kitty Guitar Picks

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It shouldn’t come as any surprise that if Hello Kitty guitars come in several models and 7 different designs, that there are also a variety of Hello Kitty guitar picks:

Hello Kitty guitar pick black

Hello Kitty guitar pick motion

Hello Kitty guitar pick pink

I could go on a rant on why my wife needs Hello Kitty guitar picks when she doesn’t play the guitar, but we’ve already been down that path. Suffice to say, it’s one of those Hello Kitty fanatic things that will never make sense to the 99% of us (and if it does make sense to you, this is not something that you should be proud of). The only consolation with this particular collection is that they are small and I don’t have to see them on a daily basis…it’s not a good Hello Kitty Hell sign when you switch from feeling pain with each and every Hello Kitty purchase to where the pain is so intense that you actually feel some relief when the Hello Kitty item purchased is small so you won’t have to see it daily…

These photos were sent in by a number of readers – all of whom should have to listened to my wife play her Hello Kitty guitar…

Hello Kitty Electric Guitar Amplifier

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Now that my wife is looking at adding Hello Kitty guitars to her collection, it inevitably leads to Hello Kitty guitar accessories. Since I’ve already mentioned that she doesn’t play, nor has any plans to learn to play, why in Hello Kitty Hell she needs a Hello Kitty guitar amplifier is beyond me (but then again, so are the guitars in the first place):

Hello Kitty electric guitar amplifier

Hello Kitty guitar amplifier

I guess it really could be worse (wow, I can’t believe those words actually came out of my mouth) – if my wife actually did learn how to play the guitar, I would not only have to listen to her rendition of Hello Kitty songs on them, but also to the hours and hours of her practicing them. It really is a sad day in Hello Kitty Hell when I actually feel myself lucky that it isn’t worse…

update: Because everything sounds worse through a Hello Kitty amplifier, multiple models to produce this awfulness were obviously necessary:

Hello Kitty guitar amplifier music

Hello Kitty Guitar – Fernandes & Fender

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My wife has a Hello Kitty guitar:

Hello Kitty guitar - Fernandes

Hello Kitty guitar - Fernandes

Hello Kitty guitar - Fernandes

Now, any normal person would assume that if a person buys a guitar, they know how to play or have an interest in learning how to play the guitar. This logic, however, escapes the Hello Kitty fanatic. Not only does my wife not know how to play the guitar, she has absolutely no interest in learning how to play. Despite this, she has to have a Hello Kitty guitar because it is “sooooo cute” (I think these two words really should be banished from the English language).

Even worse? I’m not even allowed to play it. The other day, I thought It would be cool to learn to play a little and decided to get the guitar out to try. Now I know that a man playing a Hello Kitty guitar doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot toward creating a manly image, but I figured I was at home and nobody was ever going to see this indiscretion on my part. So I have it out and am about ready to play when all Hello Kitty Hell breaks loose

Now if there is anything worse than a Hello Kitty fanatic, it’s a Hello Kitty fanatic that is angry (note to all men who have the true misfortune to be involved with a Hello Kitty fanatic – don’t, under any circumstances, touch her Hello Kitty stuff without her permission).

wife: “Don’t you even think about playing that guitar. What if you accidentally scratch it?!?”

me: “What’s the use of having a guitar if you aren’t even going to play it?” (thinking: oops, should have stopped that before it came out)

wife: “You don’t understand anything. You don’t have to play to hear the music that Hello Kitty brings to everyone. All you have to do is look at it and you can hear the music.”

me: “…” (thinking: ?????????)

Which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell – lots of Hello Kitty goods that have a use, but can’t be used for their intended purpose because Hello Kitty is on them (don’t worry, if none of that made sense, it just means you’re not a Hello Kitty fanatic which is a good thing)

Of course, now there are other Hello Kitty Guitars that have been made and my wife is considering which (or all if she can find the money) to add to her collection:

Hello Kitty Fernandes Collectors’ Edition

Hello Kitty guitar - Fernandes Collectors Edition

Hello Kitty Fender Stratocaster Limited Edition

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender Limited Edition

Hello Kitty Fender Stratocaster (pink)

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender

Hello Kitty Fender Stratocaster (black)

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender black

Hello Kitty Fender Mini (pink)

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender mini pink

Hello Kitty Fender Mini (black)

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender mini black

Too many readers to list sent me photos of these guitars – may you all have to listen to Hello Kitty theme songs played on the guitar each day for the rest of your lives…