Comic Con

If you were planning to attend Comic Con is San Diego later this month, you might want to serious reconsider. Apparently, the evil feline will be there in full force with her (and I’m not making this up — this is a quote from their press release) “band of Lolitas, who personify anime, cosplay and the colorful style of Japanese pop culture, will host fans at the experience” to make sure that everyone wishes that they never attended. Let’s just pray that fanatics don’t dress up like they did at Dragoncon (NSFW or your life)

Hello Kitty comic convention 2013

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Wedding Shoes

It seems that fanatics, for some unfathomable reason, have a desperate need to completely ruin their weddings. Of course, one should realize that the entire affair is going to look like a train wreck when there is a Hello Kitty engagement ring and wedding ring involved. So, when cakes, dresses, and even tuxedos are all likely to be adorned with the evil feline, you know that someone is going to think it’s a good idea to have the wedding shoes plastered with the cat-with-no-mouth on them as well:

Hello Kitty bride shoes

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Airsoft Gun

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio┬« has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty┬« to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

If there is one thing that we’ve all grown to know, it’s that the evil feline loves her guns and other various weaponry. And it really does make sense. It’s much easier to spread “love and friendship” when you have the barrel of a gun pointing at people’s heads to make sure that they agree with that message you want to spread. You can now add the Hello Kitty Airsoft gun to her arsenal:

airsoft pink gun

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Baby Tattoo

One of the worst parts of knowing someone who loves the cat-with-no-mouth is that they can’t keep their fanaticism to themselves. They feel the uncontrollable desire to make everyone in their life as miserable as possible by making everything about the Sanrio character which everyone with an ounce of common sense loathes with a passion. While that in itself is painful enough for the vast majority of us living in Hello Kitty Hell, the fanatics can’t leave it there (surprise, surprise). They’re willing to go to any and all lengths to Kittify all those around them that can’t defend themselves. Just look what happens if you’re a cat of a fanatic. Or a dog. or a baby.

Of course, even this isn’t as far as the fanatics will go. We already know that fanatics are willing to ink their dogs with the evil feline, so it’s really a surprise that they would ink their baby with a tattoo as well?

Hello Kitty tattoo on baby

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Vajazzle (NSFW)

Although I have come to the inevitable (although still excruciatingly painful) realization that I’m going to eventually see everything succumb to the branding of the evil feline at some point, there are still things that end up in my email that I hope for the sanity of the human race never become trends. The Hello Kitty vajazzle is most definitely one of those things:

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Flask

There is a never ending conflict that the evil feline must address on what is more important to her — living up to the expectation that she has as a role model of love and friendship for the young, or making money. Obviously the “love and friendship” side won out with the Hello Kitty flask, because we all know how important it is to impress upon children the need to consume vast amounts of alcohol:

hello kitty flask

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Safe

Once again, there is no doubt that the evil feline knows her market. She goes out and produces mass amounts of junk, but somehow convinces the fanatics that the junk is actually valuable. And what are these fanatics to do when they have all this junk that they have been brainwashed into thinking is something that other people will covet? Sell them even more junk in the form of a Hello Kitty safe:

Hello Kitty safe

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Chicken Reversible Plush

If there was ever any doubt that the people at Sanrio aren’t even trying anymore (and there really is no doubt at all), the latest Hello Kitty creation should even convince the most skeptical. It has become readily apparent that they know that no matter what they make, fanatics of the evil feline will buy it. Case in point, the Hello Kitty chicken reversible plush:

Hello Kitty chicken plush

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Lips

With her never-ending fascination with all things oral (even though she doesn’t have a mouth), it really shouldn’t be much of a surprise that fanatics would think that drawing the evil feline on their lips would be a good idea. Of course, that means the rest of us who possess even a tiny bit of sanity end up having to try to erase from our minds the image of Hello kitty lips:

hello kitty lips

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Brass Knuckles Ring

There is no doubt that Hello Kitty likes her rings. She expects her loyal fans to wear them at every stage of their lives, including when they get engaged and even when they get married. But what is a fanatic to do when someone with common sense points out how hideous that ring actually is? Have no fear — that is exactly the situation where the Hello Kitty brass knuckle ring comes into play:

hello kitty brass knuckles ring

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