Year: 2007

Hello Kitty An Pan

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While I’m sure that my wife appreciates the emails I receive with all the Hello Kitty stuff you think we should know about (believe me, it is only on rare occasion that something comes that we haven’t seen before), she really doesn’t need any more encouragement. This is especially true in areas where I’m trying to distract her from Hello Kitty.

I already realize that there is more than enough Hello Kitty food that exists that we could likely live on only Hello Kitty food. Just because something can be done doesn’t mean that it is a good thing to do. The goal here is to help relieve my Hello Kitty Hell, not watch it swirl deeper and deeper into an inescapable abyss. When readers like happykitty send me photos of Hello Kitty An Pan (“an” is a sickly sweet black bean paste often used in Japanese deserts, and while it seems apply appropriate as something that should fill the inside of a Hello Kitty item like bread (“pan”), it’s not something that any human should eat when wrapped around a Hello Kitty face) that my wife may really try to serve only Hello Kitty food.

Hello Kitty an pan

While I imagine that many of you enjoy my torture (hey, after reading this, could your life really be all that bad?), you must weigh that torture with the knowledge that if I die from sugar poisoning (the only outcome for anyone that lives on a Hello Kitty food diet) is that this blog will cease to be updated.

Why don’t they make Hello Kitty food that would actually be worthwhile eating and drinking like Hello Kitty pizza and Hello Kitty beer?

Hello Kitty Condom ???

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Walking into the room after taking a short walk down to the grocery store, I went into my room to turn on the computer and saw a — “ummmm is that what I think it is?” — sitting right next to my computer. I stopped dead in my tracks at the door eyeing the small, square package from a distance. After my last post about babies and my ending comment about birth control, my immediate thought was that my wife had read the entry and had therefore left the little package next to my computer for me.

Now, of course, this brought about a huge mixture of feelings. First, it meant that I wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight which is always a good thing. But the more I thought about it, could one really have a romantic night while knowing where Hello Kitty was the whole time? I mean, there is something just really, really wrong with that image…

I know that they have made Badtz Maru condoms in the past and I have heard rumors that there are Hello Kitty condoms although I had never seen any in person (I’ve seen photos on other websites, but they all look to be photoshopped to me). Was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing?

Hello Kitty condom ???

On closer inspection, however, it turned out to be something completely different. What it actually turned out to be is Hello Kitty cheese. Now why they place the Hello Kitty cheese in packages that makes it look like a condom is anyone’s guess, but as you probably already know, I stopped trying to figure out anything Hello Kitty long ago.

Hello Kitty cheese

What’s more worrying is that my wife decided to bring me Hello Kitty food which I assume means she still has the “all Hello Kitty food” idea in her head. That, my friends, can mean nothing other than pure Hello Kitty Hell down the road…

Hello Kitty Baby Car Seat

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While I do complain a lot about being in Hello Kitty Hell, I know that it will become 1000 times worse if we ever have a baby girl. If we have a baby boy, I’m afraid that he will be scarred for life even before he knows how to talk. But even though we don’t have kids at the moment, that doesn’t stop my wife from showing me all the baby things she wants to have when we do.

When I look at some of the things that they make Hello Kitty style for babies, I think that it is probably a good thing that I spend half the time on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag alone. I view each of these items with both a sense of relief (that we don’t have it) and dread (there is a good chance that one day we will have it).

Today’s email attachment was for this Hello Kitty baby car seat:

Hello Kitty baby car seat

You know you’re in Hello Kitty Hell when your only hope is if they come out with Hello Kitty birth control…

Hello Kitty Bathroom

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Many of the readers have been questioning whether I am making all of this up and have asked to see photos of our house. I would, but wouldn’t want to give you a heart attack. Therefore I will give you a glimpse of the hello Kitty Hell I live in by showing you a few photos of our bathroom.

Keep in mind that we live in Japan and the toilet is the only thing in this small room. Usually the walls would be wallpapered and that is it – very basic. Instead, because all of the other rooms are overflowing, we had to make shelves along one side of the bathroom and in the back above the toilet. These are all filled with Hello Kitty:

Hello Kitty bathroom
behind and above the toilet

Hello Kitty bathroom
along the side wall

As you can see, there are multiples of everything and so many that many of them can’t even be displayed facing forward. This, my friends, is how all the rooms look if not piled with more Hello Kitty stuff.

I’m very tempted to just start taking pieces away one at a time, but if it is one thing I’ve learned about Hello Kitty fanatics, even if they have nine of an identical Hello Kitty items stored in a far corner of a room in a box on the bottom that hasn’t seen the light of day for 3 years, when they open it and see there are only 8 of the Hello Kitty, you receive the Hello Kitty Death Stare (which means a minimum of a week on the couch with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag).

I may show more as time progresses, but this should give you a start in imagining how bad things are and that I’m not exaggerating…

Hello Kitty Gun

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Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

To everyone that visits Hello Kitty Hell on a regular basis, it’s time to take a seat and sit firmly down. I don’t want you falling over in shock like I did. Hello Kitty Hell isn’t quite freezing over, but there is a definite chill in the air. Yes, believe it or not, there was a Hello Kitty item that my wife saw that she was only lukewarm about and even uttered the words – okay, time to hold on tight because the earth may crack open and swallow us all to our deaths – “I don’t think I need that (Hello Kitty item)” Yes, I have been pinching myself all day wondering if it was all a wonderful dream that couldn’t possible be true and have bruises all over my arms to prove it.

The Hello Kitty item in question is a Hello Kitty gun which sent to me by readers Mackenzie and Dolores. I am assuming that both are photo shopped and aren’t real, but since my wife isn’t interested in them, this is one Hello Kitty item I really wish they did make.

Hello Kitty gun

Hello Kitty gun

wife: “Hello Kitty doesn’t kill things.”

me: “You could use it for target practice.”

wife: “What would I shoot for targets?”

me: (smile on my face) “hmmm, I don’t know. I’m sure we could find something around the house.”

wife: (no smile on face) “I hope you aren’t suggesting what I think you are.”

It was at this point that I was glad that she didn’t have the Hello Kitty gun as it would have probably been used on me…

But besides that little incident, there have been nothing but sunny skies in Hello Kitty Hell with the historic even of her not wanting something Hello Kitty. I will have to savor this as I predict it is a once in a lifetime event and tomorrow will return to the Hello Kitty Hell I have known for so long.

Hello Kitty Cereal (fruit flavored snacks)

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What’s worse than my wife seeing Hello Kitty products that she decides she must have? When those products inspired her to think beyond the Hello Kitty product itself. This, my friends, is where the real Hello Kitty Hell begins.

Reader skyler decided to add to my Hello Kitty Hell by pointing out that in addition to Hello Kitty Pop Tarts, Kellogg’s also makes Hello Kitty Fruit Flavor Snacks (is this Hello Kitty cereal or just snack packages – not that it really matters as I’m sure it’s completely disgusting either way)

Hello Kitty fruit flavor snacks

While any additional type of food that may make it into our house is certainly Hello Kitty Hell noteworthy, Hello Kitty Hell took on a new dimension when my wife began to think about all Hello Kitty food combined together:

wife: “You know, I just had a good idea”

me: “really?” (secretly praying: “please don’t let this be Hello Kitty related”)

wife: “I bet that we could live on only Hello Kitty food!”

me: (eyes popping out of head in shear terror) “Um, you remember that screen on the balcony that you have been wanting me to fix for the last 6 months, I think I will do that right now” (it’s amazing how fast the brain can work when survival is at stake)

wife: Look of shock that something that she had be hounding on me for months to do would all of a sudden be offered to be done

me: out of the room as quickly as possible and working on fixing the screen

Of course, this doesn’t mean the end of it and it could end up being even worse. The hope is that she will forget the thought of living off of Hello Kitty food (I don’t often wish for much, but I am praying that this happens), but it’s bound to come up again in the future. then it is only a matter of time before she makes the connection that I will do virtually anything that needs to be done around the house to avoid eating Hello Kitty food on a regular basis. While I may have stalled the doom for the moment, it’s still lurking right around the corner…

Hello Kitty Snowman

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Reader marls did the kindness of adding to my Hello Kitty Hell by sending me this photo of a Hello Kitty snowman:

Hello Kitty snowman

You know that things are going to get bad when my wife sees a photo like that and says, “We need to go out and make our own Hello Kitty snowman!” While I don’t mind playing in the snow, building a sculpture to the enemy in my life is not one of the more pleasing ways I consider to pass an afternoon. Unfortunately, there are more than a few who believe snow shrines to Hello Kitty are a good thing…

Businesses like Hello Kitty snowman because of all the Hello Kitty fanatics there are out there. I’m sure as soon as my wife sees this photo, she’ll insist we go to this hotel and spend a weekend.

Hello Kitty snowman

I have to make sure that if I do get forced into building a Hello Kitty snowman, it isn’t small like this. The temptation to punt it across the yard would be too great and I would end up on the couch for the rest of the winter…

Hello Kitty snowman

I certainly hope that the caption on this one meant Wednesday night and not wedding night..had we not been married in Hawaii, that is certainly something that my wife would have considered doing…

Hello Kitty snowman

Obviously Hello Kitty fanatics have way too much time on their hands to be building all these snowmen. It only seems fitting in Hello Kitty Hell that I’ll probably have to add to the list when the next snow falls out here…

Update: More reasons wintered should be feared:

hello kitty snowman

Hello Kitty Venus

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Yikes! I unfortunately opened this photo sent from kittylv as my wife was looking over my shoulder.

Hello Kitty Venus statue

wife: “I want one of those!!!”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “Why the hell would you want one of those?!?)

wife: “Wouldn’t look just perfect in our entry way?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “It’s a trick question. Don’t say anything. She really doesn’t want to know.”)

wife: “See, Kitty can be both cute and beautiful, don’t your think?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “It’s another trick question. Don’t say anything. She really doesn’t want to know.”)

wife: “Why are you being so quiet all of a sudden?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “hey, this is working. Don’t say anything and don’t get into trouble!)

wife: “It’s because you don’t like it, right? Right?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “uh oh, this is not turning out quite as well as I thought it would…”

wife: “You still don’t appreciate the love and beauty of Hello Kitty. You can’t see her heart, otherwise you would be as happy as I am. I’m going to bed.”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “Damn, on the couch again with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag – remember next time that silence doesn’t work with Hello Kitty fanatics”)

UPDATE

Apparently, Sanrio actually had a Hello Kitty Venus de Milo statue commissioned for the 30th anniversary of Hello Kitty in 2004 (much like the Hello Kitty Crop Circle – I certainly hope I die before the 50th anniversary arrives) which they named “Hello de Milo” (makes me sick just saying it…)

Hello Kitty Venus statue

Luckily me wife wasn’t in the room when I found this or she would want both in our entry way…

Hello Kitty Extreme Computer Mod

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When I get emailed things like this, it sends shivers down my spine. True, I should be thankful that my wife’s computer is not this bad at the moment, but that doesn’t mean it won’t eventually get there and surpass it. When I get photos like these, I see my future Hello Kitty Hell. That future is not pretty:

Hello Kitty extreme computer mod

Hello Kitty computer mod

While the person that posted the Hello Kitty laptop computer mod had the sense to label it as “hobbies gone wrong,” I doubt that any Hello Kitty fanatic would view it that way. My wife’s only reaction would be, “Where can I get one of those?!” It’s depressing enough looking at Hello Kitty Hell in the present, but knowing where it is likely going is down right gut wrenching…

Thanks (I think) to Mackenzie via Pink Hello Kitty Laptop