It has become abundantly apparent that the evil feline (ironically, with no mouth) has quite the oral fixation. With that fact being confirmed time and again, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise (but it doesn’t keep us from cringing all the same) that someone else would think it was a good idea to get a Hello Kitty tooth placed in her mouth:
Seriously, the people at Sanrio have gotten to the point that not only are they not even trying anymore, they are actively testing to see if there is anything that Hello Kitty fanatics won’t buy. Can you really come to any other conclusion when they are willing to release a product called “Who Pooped on My Toothbrush?” toothpaste in strawberry flavor?
The simple fact that anyone could even conceive of this club, let alone that it actually exists, scares the Hello Kitty Hell out of me. There really isn’t any more that needs to be said about the Hello Kitty Athletic Club:
There really was no doubt left that Hello Kitty would put her name and likeness on anything and everything after she decided that the Hello Kitty vibrator (oh, sorry, I meant “shoulder massager”) was actually an acceptable item for the evil feline to promote. Since Hello Kitty alcohol was also deemed age appropriate for all the fanatics, was it really that much of a stretch to believe that Hello Kitty cigarettes would appear at some point?
As if you really needed any additional proof that Hello Kitty fanatics have a warped sense of thinking, you simply have to ask yourself what would you do if you were going to the beach. Most of us would put on some suntan lotion to prevent a sunburn and have a good time, but the Hello Kitty fanatic thinks a bit differently than you and me. She instead decides to put a Hello Kitty stencil on her body and then purposely get burned so that she can show off her lovely Hello Kitty sunburn to all her friends:
It’s more than a bit ironic that despite Hello Kitty having no mouth, she has quite an oral branding fixation. This irony is all the worse because the Hello Kitty oral branding tends to be some of the worst. It’s difficult to keep one’s sanity when you see things like the Hello Kitty tooth, the Hello Kitty retainers, the Hello Kitty tongue stud and the Hello Kitty tongue and lip tattoos. One would assume that these disasters would bring Hello Kitty fanatics to their senses and that they would realize that Hello Kitty does not belong anywhere near their mouth, but that would be making the terrible assumption that Hello Kitty fanatics have common sense. Thus someone thought that Hello Kitty braces would be a good idea:
There is not much in life that I can be thankful to the evil feline for, but one thing is that I will never get sick again. I already made this decision when I ran into the Hello Kitty scrubs (or if I do, I will just let myself die instead of letting myself suffer through what I will likely find at the hospital which will undoubtedly will be far more painful). The latest device one has to fear if they should happen to hurt themselves is the Hello Kitty wheelchair (with interchangeable Hello Kitty wheelchair spoke guards so that you can suffer — and makes all those around you do so as well — in multi colors)
I ended up in the hospital emergency room last week (luckily I didn’t end up in a Hello Kitty hospital or a Hello Kitty examination room). Now, most people would view a trip to the emergency room as a negative experience, but when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, things tend to get a bit warped. All of a sudden I found myself someplace that was (seemingly) void of the Hello Kitty, so as I sat in the emergency waiting room, I was actually beginning to think that regular visits to the emergency room might not be such a bad idea.
The delusion that I would not meet the evil feline even in the emergency room was soon shattered. While I managed to avoid the Hello Kitty blood pressure gauge, I wasn’t so lucky when it came to what the nurse that did the initial screening wore when checking me into the emergency room – Hello Kitty scrubs:
I’m beginning to think that creative editing (much along the lines of Hello Kitty coloring pages) might be the way to help lessen the agony of living in Hello Kitty Hell. If a Hello Kitty fanatic decides to gift you a Hello Kitty growth chart, what is the best way to proceed after the stomach churning realization that you may have to stare at the nauseating image for the foreseeable future? How about turning it into a Hello Kitty skeleton growth chart?