Hello Kitty Transformer

In her undying quest to be involved in anything pop culture, Hello Kitty has morphed into a Hello Kitty sewing machine transformer:

Hello Kitty transformer

My wife thinks this is “the greatest thing ever” (but then everything Hello Kitty is the greatest thing ever – no point trying to argue that it is impossible for everything to be “the greatest thing ever” at the same time, because while normal people know this makes absolutely no sense, we once again find that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t care) and wants one for herself.

wife: “I want one of those. It’s the greatest thing ever!”

me: “I don’t think it’s real…”

wife: “You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to get one. Just like the Hello Kitty car tail pipe.”

me: “no, that’s not true…” (thinking: “this is bad…I’m never going to be able to use that trick again…”)

wife: “It’s a toy you would like. I’ll let you play with it too.”

me: “That’s funny…” (accidentally laughing out loud thinking: “this is the person who sent me to the couch for a week because I used Hello Kitty toilet paper properly…”)

wife: “You don’t believe me!?” (with the Hello Kitty Hell look starting to sparkle in her eye – me thinking: “uh oh, this is not good…abandon ship…get out of this conversation as quickly as possible”)

me: (stammering trying to recover) “no…no, that’s not what I meant at all. What I meant was that I know how valuable everything Hello Kitty is to you and wouldn’t dream of disturbing your Hello Kitty items…” (thinking: “damn, you’re getting better at this. That was one hell of a comeback!”)

wife: “So what you’re saying is that I can get it and you won’t touch it.”

me: “Right” (thinking: whew, that was a close one and no Hello Kitty sleeping bag and couch tonight)

It took me a few minutes to realize the Hello Kitty conversation had ended much too amicably and going through the conversation again, I began to wonder if I had just told her it was OK to buy a Hello Kitty sewing machine? Now I sit here in a classic Hello Kitty Hell quandary – if I bring up the subject again, I’ll likely end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag, but if I don’t say anything, I’m bound to find a Hello Kitty sewing machine transformer at our door soon (yes, even if I know it doesn’t exist, believe me, she’ll figure out a way to find one…) Another typical no win situation day in Hello Kitty Hell.

Thanks to linda (via something awful) who should have to buy a Hello Kitty transformer sewing machine and use it daily for bringing this to my wife’s attention…

Hello Kitty Gold Figures & Pendants

Sanrio is the master of series which are made specifically to suck in the Hello Kitty fanatic. Our house would be a fraction of the Hello Kitty Hell it is if series didn’t exist. That’s because it is impossible for a Hello Kitty fanatic to get a single item from any series without getting the rest (or whining excessively about how they don’t have the rest). That can get expensive when my wife sees things like these Hello Kitty gold figures and pendants:

Hello Kitty gold figure

Hello Kitty gold pendant

So it should not come as a surprise that my wife won’t be satisfied with just one, but wants the entire collection. That means instead of just over $200 for one figure, it will end up being $2400 for the set plus another $1500 ($125 each) for the pendant set. Sanrio knows that fanatics want the entire set, so they release them over a period of time figuring that most would balk at paying nearly $4000 at one time, but would be more than willing to cumulatively purchase that same amount over an extended period.

Of course, when I explain how Sanrio is trying to manipulate my wife into buying more stuff, she’ll have none of it. “All they want to do is spread more love and cheer to the world.” While any normal person would gag when reading the around the world adventure story that accompanies these gold figures, the Hello Kitty fanatics eat it up:

Saying farewell to her friends and already missing her mother’s apple pie, Hello Kitty was ready to venture into new horizons, meeting new friends and spreading the message of love along the way. With her passport, T-shirts, and luggage ready, Hello Kitty began her fantastic adventure as an ambassador of love and friendship.

I think I’ll just empty the contents of my stomach now and get ready to endure another Hello Kitty Hell day…

Thanks to deede who should be forced to purchase these for every one of her children for having informed my wife of their existence.


It doesn’t take long for Hello Kitty fanatics to take a bad idea of the Hello Kitty cat and make it even worse. When it comes to Hello Kittifying, no pet is safe, even if you’re a dog:

Hello Kitty dog

Living in Hello Kitty Hell, I know the humiliation that this dog must feel. While it may be physically less painful than the Hello Kitty dog tattoo, mentally this dog is a goner (of course, my wife has a different take: “Awwww, that is so cute!! The owner must love that dog so much!). The real question is where will this Hello Kittification of pets end, and my guess is that if Sanrio – and Hello Kitty fanatics – have their way, it’s not going to be a pretty sight to any non Hello Kitty fanatic in the end…

Thanks to Kristin (via RavenNW) who should be forced to walk down the street wearing this Hello Kitty costume for even thinking of bringing this to my attention.

Update: More unfortunate creatures that must have done something unthinkably terrible in their previous life to end up being a pet of a Hello Kitty fanatic:

hello kitty dog hair clip fashion

Sent in by lauraschue via The Pink Paw

dog dressed in Hello Kitty clothes

Sent in by Gina

Kitty Cat (more)

We all hoped, prayed and basically got down on our knees and begged that the Hello Kitty cat was an aberration – a Hello Kitty marketing attempt that was woefully wrong that nobody would ever purchase. It wasn’t possible that there were actually Hello Kitty fanatics out there (beyond my wife) that would be willing to humiliate their cats, right? Oh, how wrong non Hello Kitty fanatics can be…

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Thanks to jean (via Gizmodo Japan) who should be forced to wear these outfits along with the cats for sending this to me…

Update: Apparently there are more cats planning their owner’s death out there:

Sent in by Fei

"Maneki Neko" Crystal Doll

While my wife wants this $66,000 (8 million yen) crystal glass doll, it’s a bit out of her price range which leads me to believe that we should take a vow of poverty (thus making all Hello Kitty goods too expensive for us to purchase)

Hello Kitty Crystal Doll

While making a $66,000 crystal glass doll out of 62,000 Swarovski crystal beads is insane in itself (it shouldn’t come as a surprise that this is currently on display with the Hello Kitty Doghouse at the Mitsukoshi department store in Tokyo), the truly pathetic part is that the reason they made it is because someone is going to buy it (which would be my wife if she could). Since Hello Kitty is posed as a manekineko (a good money fortune symbol in Japan), she believes that if she can get it, more riches will come her way (which is all the more reason I’m happy she can’t afford it).

While it has already been well established that Hello Kitty items are useless, what in Hello Kitty Hell are you going to do with a $66,000 crystal Hello Kitty? Place it in your home entrance and wait for some kid to come over and knock it to the ground and shatter it (hmmm, remind me to suggest to my wife to place it there if she ever decides she can afford one). I mean, at least with the Hello kitty Ferrari you have something to drive around (although admittedly, you can never show your face to any of your friends for the rest of your life…)

Even though my wife will not purchase it, that doesn’t mean that I get to escape from it in Hello Kitty Hell. All I’m going to do is hear about how “beautiful and cute” it is and “if we only had the money for it” for the next week or until some other Hello Kitty items diverts her attention – either way, it only means more Hello Kitty Hell in the future.

Thanks to Kelly who passed this along and should be forced to spend all her money on something like this for even considering sending to me…

Aly & AJ Tour

My ears are ringing with pain at just the thought of this – a tween pop duo with Hello Kitty electric guitars being sponsored by Hello Kitty to go on tour known as Aly & AJ. Never heard of them? Neither has my wife, but since they are touring around in a Hello Kitty themed bus and sponsored by Sanrio, my wife assumes (it is never good to go on the assumed advice of a Hello Kitty fanatic unless you are looking for a good reason to quickly end your life, which will be provided countless times and in ways far too cruel for you to ever imagine) that they must be good:

Hello Kitty Aly & AJ Tour

Hello Kitty Aly & AJ Tour Bus

When Hello Kitty decides to sponsor your tour and gives you all kinds of Hello Kitty crap to fill your bus, there is no doubt that there are going to be way too many Hello Kitty fanatics in attendance. I also imagine that their music sounds like the Hello Kitty theme song trying to be morphed into tween pop rock which pretty much means that, unless you are a Hello Kitty fanatic, you’d much rather be holding a plugged in toaster while taking a bath since this would likely be only a fraction as painful. Worse yet, my wife will likely start playing their music over and over again on her Hello Kitty speakers just to drive out the last bit of sanity that might have prevailed…

So the Hello Kitty Hell question of the month is, would attending one of their concerts be worse than attending the Hello Kitty musical? (this is the finest example of Hello Kitty Hell – trying to decide which of two events to attend knowing that both will likely force you to suicide in a manner of seconds after either of the shows start). I think I’ll go and get that toaster now and jump into the bath…

Thanks to Peter who should have to listen to every one of their Hello Kitty concerts for bringing this to the attention of my wife…


Hmmmm, this Hello Kitty mod is taking Hello Kitty’s main goal in life of alternating everyone’s state of mind to a whole new level – the Hello Kitty bong:

Hello Kitty bong

When I saw this, I mentioned to my wife that I would not be surprised if Sanrio is in the process of developing a Hello Kitty brand of pot that would help alter people’s perception to instantly fall in love with Hello Kitty.

To which my wife responded with a smile, “It’s not needed. We are all high on Hello Kitty just the way she is” — and that, my friends, typifies the Hello Kitty Hell I live in…

Thanks to way too many readers (via two twenty) who obviously must be smoking the stuff to spend so much time looking for Hello Kitty crap to email to me…

Update: another Hello Kitty bong photo left by jennell in the comments:

Hello Kitty bong

Hello Kitty Louis Vuitton bong

Left in the comments by Harlock

Hello Kitty bongs

Sent in by Jean [apparently there is now a retail line…]

hello kitty pink bongs

Close-ups left by filipetadamassa on twitter

Sent in by james (via friend without the r)

princess bong

Sent in by Lorie

pink bong

Sent in by Pearly

Hello Kitty Halo

More proof that Hello Kitty has to Hello Kittify everything she comes in contact with (and that no matter how wrong it is to modify something, Hello Kitty will still lay claim to it), including first person shooting computer games:

Hello Kitty Halo

Of course, my wife thinks that this is a positive thing (I know, I know — it is impossible to see how this could ever be a positive thing to any normal human being, but you have to remember that Hello Kitty fanatics have a warped sense of what Hello Kitty can do): “Doesn’t it look sooooo much better? By Hello Kitty giving Halo her heart, those who play the game will be given a kindness that only Hello Kitty can give.” (?!? ummmm, it’s a game with the goal of killing everything in site…)

The sad fact here is that upon seeing this latest Hello Kittification, I wasn’t even surprised in the least bit which goes to show that Hello Kitty Hell has begun to numb my senses…and that is exactly what scares me most about Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Nic who should be forced to live with Hello Kitty Halo images every night in her dreams for sending this to me…

Hello Kitty Tar Art

It only happens once in a blue moon, but it does happen when I least expect it. Something Hello Kitty gets sent to me that makes me believe that there might be light at the end of the Hello Kitty Hell tunnel. Something that makes me think, well, maybe, just maybe, this Hello Kitty Hell day won’t be like all the rest. This happens when I get a photo like this:

Hello Kitty tar art

wife: “Who would have such a cruel heart to ever do such an evil thing like that to Hello Kitty? It makes me want to cry.”

me: “oh, yes, that is terrible.” (thinking: Hell Yeah, where are the feathers!!!)

Thanks to John (via Mattia Biagi) who deserves a beer for bringing a smile to my face in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Pullip

It really doesn’t matter if my wife has any idea what the thing is, if it has Hello kitty on it, then she has to have it. Thus when she saw the Hello Kitty Pullip figure, she wanted it right away:

Hello Kitty Pullip

I took one look at the style and it immediately reminded me of the Hello Kitty cat fashion which is always a bad sign. Knowing how Hello Kitty Hell works, it won’t be long before everything, including me, is fitted with a Hello Kitty head like this.

My wife thinks it’s the cutest thing ever and that it would make an excellent Halloween costume: “We can get one of Hello Kitty and one of Dear Daniel and go out as a pair. It will be so lovely.” Not exactly the words I would use to describe that image, but the scariest part (and the sure sign I am living in Hello Kitty Hell) was in that split second moment, when the words “Dear Daniel” left her lips, I was actually relieved. I know, I know, it’s the difference between being roasted alive over a open fire “slowly” and being roasted over a fire at a “snail-like” pace — both painful beyond belief with no noticeable different to the observer, but at that moment I actually thought she was going to say I had to be Hello Kitty, too. Now how utterly pathetic is that?

Thanks to kaoko for the image. She should have to wear one of these Hello kitty hoods around at all times…