Even though I specifically say not to email where to find Hello Kitty items, I still receive emails asking me where to find them. This has lead me to several theories. 1) Hello Kitty fanatics can’t read. 2) Hello Kitty fanatics don’t understand the meaning of the words “I’m not going to tell you.” 3) Hello Kitty fanatics believe that they are more of a Hello Kitty fanatic than every other Hello Kitty fanatic and therefore the rules that apply to normal Hello Kitty fanatics don’t apply to them. So despite me explicitly saying that I will not tell and that they should not email me, they still do. Here is the latest email I received:
I’m going to be forward with you. I realize that you don’t provide the whereabouts of your featured merchandise, but I’m going to try to convince you, in this isolated instance, to reconsider your position. Allow me to explain.
1. I do not know why you feel the need to stand as the unmoving guardian of the fine products you display. Perhaps it is genuine hatred of Hello Kitty and her “fanatics.” However, I think not. The idea that someone would erect, and maintain, a site dedicated to the thing they hate most in life, and that the site would so closely detail and celebrate said thing, is not alone preposterous. It is not uncommon to come across blogs dedicated to the demise of various celebrities, or whatever. However, these sites, unlike your own, do not become so comparable to fan sites as to ACTUALLY ATTRACT REAL FANS of the hated “thing.” In fact, I believe in your Hello Kitty Whiners entry you mention that when someone hates something so much that they wish it would disappear, they are more prone to ignore the “thing” than revel in it. I believe your mentality was “If you don’t like my blog, don’t visit it. Dumbass.” Therefore, I believe the blog allows you a vent for your frustration living in a house surrounded by your hated “thing.” Like so many other bloggers, you are frustrated and feel thwarted. If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.
2. I assume that because you agree to live in a home filled with Hello Kitty paraphernalia you must love your wife very dearly.
3. I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.
These three points bring me to my request: I am in desperate search of the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium your wife acquired. Please tell me where I can find one.
I will understand if you chose not to accommodate my request. However, I ask you to consider yourself in a situation which I believe you may have literally encountered before. I ask you to consider the one piece of your wife’s collection she has never attained. Think of that one piece which she turns over in her mind like a shining gem, anxiously awaiting the day it will be hers. For my girlfriend, that item is the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium.
Since a young age my girlfriend has had two great loves: Hello Kitty and Mermaids. Because your wife is collector, I do not feel that I need to say more. You will understand completely when I tell you that my girlfriend still has the first Hello Kitty Mermaid item she ever saw, a wrinkled old sticker which she stole off of another girl’s binder in the 6th grade.
I ask you to consider the look on your wife’s face as she unwraps your surprise gift to her, and discovers it is the Hello Kitty item of her dreams. Then imagine the look in her eyes when they meet your own. You, the husband who erected “Hello Kitty Hell” and who, presumably, gives her hell daily about her collection, sought out that one item she herself could never find. Then you managed to get one for her. I want to see that look for I too am the boyfriend who constantly nags about the Hello Kitty (and mermaid) shit EVERYWHERE.
Please consider revising your opinion just this once. Tell me where to find the Hello Kitty USB Mermaid Aquarium.
A devoted boyfriend
Here are some of my thoughts on this email:
1. I have extreme reservations whenever I receive an email like this that it is actually from a boyfriend and not the Hello Kitty fanatic herself because, being a guy, this is not the type of letter a guy writes. It is a letter that a Hello Kitty fanatic would write pretending to be a boyfriend:
A) A boyfriend would write: My girlfriend is driving me nuts so tell me where I can get the %#[email protected]**&^!! thing so 1) I don’t have to listen to any more of this Hello Kitty crap. 2) I can get some tonight instead of sleeping on the couch. 3) I don’t have to buy anything Hello Kitty for another year.
B) Only a Hello Kitty fanatic would feel compelled to write: “I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.” Why would a Hello Kitty fanatic boyfriend ever think that? A boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic would know that there was no way that I would even consider that he thought I was evil, that I would only have sympathy for him. The only ones that consider me evil and have ever written that to me are Hello Kitty fanatics, so to stress (or to even mention, for that matter) that the writer doesn’t think that I’m evil would only come from someone who might actually think that I was – a Hello Kitty fanatic.
C) Guys don’t shout in the middle of explanations with capital letters, Hello Kitty fanatics do.
D) Guys don’t have email addresses with words like “green tea” in them.
These are the points that quickly tipped me off that this really wasn’t a boyfriend writing, but a Hello Kitty fanatic attempting to make me believe that she was a boyfriend in hopes this would result in more sympathy from me (see the lengths that Hello Kitty fanatics go to try and find the Hello Kitty crap they want). I’m sure there are many others if I was willing to take the time to read it more thoroughly…
2. Hello Kitty fanatics think that I’m holding some secret knowledge from them of where to get these things. I honestly don’t know. Further more, I could care less where they come from (although I do wish they wouldn’t all end up in our house). Yes, it is true that if I really wanted to find out, I could take the time and make the effort to talk to my wife and find out where to get them. I don’t do this because 1) I have no desire to spend my free time doing this. 2) While Hello Kitty fanatics think that doing so would be a nice favor, I see it as a disservice to all mankind. 3) It would encourage my wife into thinking that I cared about Hello Kitty and as you can already tell, she doesn’t need any encouragement in that department.
3. It is the true irony of Hello Kitty Hell that Hello Kitty fanatics like this blog. It just shows that their fanaticism is so great that even when someone makes fun of the things they want to buy and they should be offended and walk away, they can’t because it is something that they want so much they keep coming back.
4. Only a Hello Kitty fanatic could write this sentence: “If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.” I have no desire to ruin anyone’s day. I’m a pretty positive guy which I think shows in that I’m still alive and haven’t committed suicide living in the Hello Kitty Hell that I do. Anyone who is not a Hello Kitty fanatic would not even comprehend that by not telling someone where they can buy something Hello kitty could ruin that person’s day. When your happiness depends on whether or not you can get a Sanrio character item, then you have moved beyond the comprehension of all normal people.
5. If I am wrong and you are truly the boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic (highly doubtful), I am doing you a huge favor. If you manage to track down this item for your girlfriend, she will expect you to track down every Hello Kitty item that she wants in the future. See, with Hello Kitty fanaticism, it never stops. There is never a last item. Sanrio will never run out of stuff to Hello Kittify because they are willing to Hello Kittify anything and everything. Your girlfriend won’t be disappointed if you can’t give this to her because she never expected that you could find it in the first place since she couldn’t find it herself. By not getting it you will not be beholden to find new Hello Kitty stuff in the future without suffering any consequences for not getting it for her. You’re welcome.