Hello Kitty Race Queen

If you ever had any doubt that Hello Kitty wants it all, this should help put it to rest. Not satisfied to been the queen of cuteness, Hello Kitty also wants to be sexy. What other explanation can be found for this Hello Kitty Zent race queen plush:

Hello Kitty race queen

Hello Kitty race queen

Hello Kitty race queen

What exactly is Zent you ask? It’s a Super GT race car team:

Hello Kitty race queen

Just because you associate with women in skimpy outfits does not mean that you, yourself should wear the same outfit. The same holds true with Hello Kitty (like that would ever make a difference to Hello Kitty). Of course, my wife thinks this makes Hello Kitty “both cute and sexy.”

Normally this would not warrant a Hello Kitty Hell entry because on the scale of having to look at Hello Kitty, there are plenty of alternatives in the photo to keep my eyes occupied. If I have to look at Hello Kitty, looking at her being held by women in skimpy outfits ranks much higher on my acceptability scale than just having to look at Hello Kitty. Apparently my “acceptability scale” isn’t appreciated by my wife…

When my wife noticed that I wasn’t itching to change the subject or get way as quickly as possible, her Hello Kitty sense kicked in that something wasn’t quite right. Then she noticed that my eyes were fixated more on the models holding Hello Kitty than Hello Kitty herself. This is when I was informed in no uncertain terms that I am only allowed to “love and adore” my wife and Hello Kitty (not any other women).

I have no problem with the wife part, it’s the damn Hello Kitty part that keeps me in this Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Superhero

As mentioned previously, Hello Kitty has a problem with other pop culture and invariably tries to make it her own. She has obviously reached the point where all the superheroes have taken too much of the limelight away from her and instead of morphing the superheros into Hello Kitty, she has gone out and created her own Hello Kitty superhero:

Hello Kitty superhero

Hello Kitty super hero

This, of course, begs the question of what superpowers Hello Kitty possesses (this is something that I would really rather not know since it will undoubtedly be something that will make my Hello kitty Hell life worse). My wife thinks that she carries “barbells of love” because “Hello Kitty love will conquer all evil in the world” and a “heart belt of sweetness.” I have no doubt this is true because any enemy would rather end their life right then and there than have to witness either of those two powers in action. Then again, 99% of the world’s population (those that aren’t Hello Kitty fanatics) would also do the same…

Hello Kitty Tar Art

It only happens once in a blue moon, but it does happen when I least expect it. Something Hello Kitty gets sent to me that makes me believe that there might be light at the end of the Hello Kitty Hell tunnel. Something that makes me think, well, maybe, just maybe, this Hello Kitty Hell day won’t be like all the rest. This happens when I get a photo like this:

Hello Kitty tar art

wife: “Who would have such a cruel heart to ever do such an evil thing like that to Hello Kitty? It makes me want to cry.”

me: “oh, yes, that is terrible.” (thinking: Hell Yeah, where are the feathers!!!)

Thanks to John (via Mattia Biagi) who deserves a beer for bringing a smile to my face in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Plush Dress (again)

There is a lot about Hello Kitty that scares me, and then there are Hello Kitty items that absolutely petrify me:

Hello Kitty plush dress

Apparently the Hello Kitty plush couture dress didn’t remain on the runway. It takes something pretty hideous that is able to both terrify and be just plain wrong at the same time. How anyone, including Hello Kitty fanatics, could still think this is a “cute idea” after seeing a photo like this is beyond me (but then again, so is all the Hello Kitty stuff). I’m going to be having Hello Kitty Hell nightmares tonight…

Thanks to darren who located this photo and should be forced to date someone that wears this dress weekly for terrifying me with it…

Hello Kitty Couture

I know that it is going to be a truly Hello Kitty Hellish day when my wife screams, “OMG!! You’ve got to come here and look at this!!!! It is soooooo cute!” I should have learned by now when those words exit my wife’s mouth, the only logical course of action is to induce some life threatening injury to myself and hope that I die before I am forced to see whatever hideous Hello Kitty item has made her squeal with such joy. Alas, somewhere my mind makes a grave judgemental error and stops me from doing the merciful thing by rationalizing that Hello Kitty Hell can’t possible get any worse than it already is. That, of course, is proven to be incorrect time and again and I realize that death would have been a lot less painful than having to see and hear about yet another Hello Kitty item.

This is especially true when it comes to Hello Kitty fashion. There is something that makes Hello Kitty fanatics believe that anything Hello Kitty makes clothes look cute, while the rest of us simply want to vomit when seeing it. I can’t think of a better example than this monstrosity which my wife thinks is absolutely fabulous:

Hello Kitty runway fashion

I know, I know. You’re looking at that and saying to yourself that it must be a Halloween party costume or something (while valiantly trying to keep the food in your stomach). Any normal person has to make an assumption like this because it is simply too difficult to perceive that anyone, even a Hello Kitty fanatic, could view something like this as high fashion. Unfortunately, it is all too real…

So as you sit looking at your computer in disbelief, rejoice in that fact that you are not living with someone that actually is searching for one of these and has decided that if she can’t find one, she will make one herself (see, I knew a self inflicted wound and quick death — or even a long, drawn out death — would have been less painful…) And pray that the next time my wife shouts those words, I have enough sense to put myself out of my Hello Kitty Hell misery…

Hello Kitty Proof

$160 Hello Kitty PlushI received an email from someone who challenged me saying that I was making Hello Kitty Hell up and exaggerating. Oh, if only that were truly the case!! The one thing that you will learn as you continue to read this saga is that it all gets so absurd that nobody could ever be creative enough to make up something like this. There are just some things in the world that are so completely wrong that when you hear about them, you know that despite the chill it sends down your spine, it has to be true. I think you’ll see my Hello Kitty Hell is that way. 

I was talking to a friend over the weekend and he suggested that I go on the wife swap show, but the truth is that I could never subject another person to Hello Kitty Hell and live with myself later in life. There are some things that are just too cruel to contemplate, and that is one of them. I do think that it may be an effective strategy to implement on mass murderers in place of the death penalty – much more painful and lasting over a long period of time. I’m sure the inmates would be able to successfully fight it in court, however, as cruel and unusual punishment.

In relation to providing proof, Emily also asked if my wife had a website (I hope that this was to get some type of demented pleasure at my expense and not the desire to imitate my wife.) This is another one of those Catch 22 situations. She really should have one, but if I create one for her I’m afraid of what will happen and have thus been avoiding this next logical step. At the moment she doesn’t have a website dedicated to Hello Kitty, but does have an extensive Hello Kitty eBay Store which as you can see, has over 1000 different items for sale. Now imagine that what is listed there is only a tiny fraction of what is stored in our house and you begin to get a picture of what I live with.

Hmmmm, maybe I should make the person who challenged me come live for a month as punishment…