Hello Kitty

How To Be Like Hello Kitty Guide

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It’s stuff like this that scares the freaking Hello Kitty Hell out of me. I knew I was going to have nightmares as soon as I read the first sentence of this post:

“Have you ever felt the weird urge to be like Hello Kitty?”

Of course, now it’s like a train wreck. I know I don’t want to see any more, I know that I’m going to regret seeing any more and I know that I’m going to have terrible nightmares about anything beyond this first sentence that I do see. I know that I should simply stick my fingers into my eye sockets and rip them out because this gesture will be 100 times less painful than what I’m about to read, yet against all common sense my eyes drift to the next lines in the post:

1. Put your hair in two pigtails above your ears and put the little girl bow clips in your hair.
2. Get a jumper that goes down to your knees and wear it everyday.
3. Get all your friends call you “Kitty” though this could be taken wrong.
4. Learn to make Kitty’s expression of amazement.
5. When your sad, make your eyes big, get out one tear and pout.
6. Wear a lot of bright pink blush in little stripes over your cheekbones like Kitty when she blushes.
7. Always split things with your friends.
8. Talk in a little voice all the time.
9. Go to the park on your bike a lot.

I couldn’t go any farther. Some train wrecks are just too awful and gruesome and you have to turn away and that is exactly what I did. While a post about how to be like Hello Kitty is bad enough, the fact that people actually want to be her makes the entire concept well beyond wrong. Of course, my wife thinks that this is an absolutely normal and typical thing that any human being would want to do which simply reinforces the Hello Kitty Hell I live in…

Sent in by Patty who should actually have to read that post daily and attempt to follow it for even thinking it was remotely a good idea for her to send me a link to that post…

Hello Kitty eCard

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Hello Kitty Hell takes on new dimensions of Hellishness when I begin receiving Hello Kitty ecards in celebration of Hello Kitty’s birthday:

Hello Kitty ecard

Just wanted to say that I like your blog, even if you are a hater. =)

I’m a Hello Kitty Fan, my husband is not, he feels your pain and understands. One day the both of you will come to share in the pure bliss that is Hello Kitty. We, your wonderful wives will welcome you into the light, we’re givers like that. You know how fabulous we are (you married us) and you also know we’re always right – we love Hello Kitty, ergo she’s good.

BTW – Have a Happy Hello Kitty Birthday Celebration!

I actually like your blog (you keep me up to date with some HK merchandise I didn’t know about). However I will continue to pray for your Hello Kitty enlightenment.

The simple fact that Hello Kitty ecards exist is quite disappointing. That one would ever be sent to me moves the level up to disturbing. That anyone would think it’s a good idea to send one to me in celebration of Hello Kitty’s birthday does nothing but fire up the flames in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent to me by *Hello Kitty Fan* (with a username like that, you know there is going to be nothing but Hello Kitty Hell) who should be forced into a padded room with no Hello Kitty for an extended period of time until the evil feline has been completely detoxified from her system (and I know I have the full support of you husband in this endeavor).

Hello Kitty Convention 2008

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You know that Hello Kitty Hell has reached an entirely new level of Hellishness when someone like me is actually invited to a Hello Kitty convention to give a presentation:

I know you and Mrs. HKH are in Japan, but I wanted to let you know that next November, you’re invited to KittyCon 2008. It’s a fan-sponsored and supported convention of Kitty lovers to meet, shop, swap, and learn more about everyone’s (!) favorite feline. I’ve just kicked off the web site, which you can check out at KittyCon2008. I’m writing for a few reasons. First, if you’re in town, I’d actually get a huge laugh if you were interested in doing a seminar about your blog and adventures being a HKH (hello kitty husband?) I’d make sure that you were treated with complete politeness – no one will be mean to you there. I think it’d be cool to meet the man behind the blog! If you guys just wanted to attend, you’d be welcome to that as well. (And if you wanted to be anonymous, cool.) I’m just getting started now with lining up the vendors and seminar leaders and volunteers. The best part (yes, I can feel you cringing) is that the convention will be November 1-2, 2008, which happens to be Hello Kitty’s birthday (Nov 1). Whee! It’ll take place in Raleigh, NC.

This is just so wrong on so many levels that I’m not even sure where to begin, but since I have to begin somewhere:

First, they have Hello Kitty conventions. Take a moment and reflect about that. Swarms of Hello Kitty fanatics gathering together to squeal in sugary delight and celebrate the loveliness of all the “cutest things ever” without a hint of sarcasm in their voices. You are excused to run as fast as you can to the toilet so you don’t make a mess anyplace else in your house.

Secondly, I personally cannot think of anything more disturbing than spending the day with a large group of Hello Kitty fanatics. Take out the medieval torture devices because that would be like a relaxing vacation compared to a Hello Kitty convention. Send Jack Bauer to interrogate me because that would be many times less painful. If I had to attend something like this, I would undoubtedly have to be removed in a straitjacket, and the nightmare would be even worse because there is likely a Hello Kitty straitjacket which they would use…

Thirdly, even more disturbing than the thought of spending a day with Hello Kitty fanatics is the thought that there are Hello Kitty fanatics that actually think that it would be a good idea for me to attend a Hello Kitty convention. Somehow, I don’t think that any presentation that I might give would go over too well. I can’t imagine the Hello Kitty fanatics enjoying themselves as I spent the entire time insulting both Hello Kitty and their fanaticism. While there are a lot of terrible ways to have your life end in this world, being attacked and killed by an angry Hello Kitty mob, while it would likely make the news, would be a downright embarrassing demise.

Of course, my wife wants to go. “Wouldn’t that be the most wonderful vacation ever!!”

It is typical Hello Kitty Hell that I already have to worry about 2008 when 2007 hasn’t even ended…

Hello Kitty WordPress Theme

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For those of you who have been following this blog for awhile, you may have noticed I recently changed the look of the blog. While I eventually chose the theme that you see in front of you, my wife thought that I should go with the Hello Kitty WordPress theme:

Hello Kitty wordpress theme

Yes, you know things are bad when the evil Kitty has her own WordPress theme. Of course, it makes no sense that this blog would go with such a cutesy theme, but we must once again remember that making sense and being a fanatic of that feline animation character tend to go together as well as oil and water. My wife’s rational for the cute HK theme? “No matter what you write and how much you say bad things about Hello Kitty, most of your readers are Hello Kitty fans. You should appreciate them more and show that appreciation by using the HK theme.” Ouch — one more reminder that I live in Hello Kitty Hell…

No matter, my chosen theme represents how I feel about the cat who is slowly taking over the world (and the dancing devil was starting to drive me nuts). I would like to send out a big thank you to SofaShark who gave me permission to use the image for the header that does so well represent the current life I lead…

Hello Kitty Fanatic On Tyra Banks

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Reminder – it’s today

Time to mark your TV calendar and set your recording devices. I received an email from another poor soul that lives in Hello Kitty Hell letting me know that he and his girlfriend will be on the Tyra Banks show this Thursday, September 20th to talk about his girlfriend’s Hello Kitty fanaticism. I’m not sure if it is a comfort or an extremely distressing revelation that there is another Hello Kitty fanatic out there that is so obsessed that she warrants time on the mid-day talk shows. Even scarier is that fact that no matter how bad she is, my wife is likely infinitely worse.

If that portion of the show becomes available, let me know and I will post it here so everyone can cringe in horror at what life with a Hello Kitty fanatic is like…

Hello Kitty Fetish Fanatics

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Let me say this once (I really don’t believe that I need to say this even one time) — I seriously have no (I’m talking 100%) interest in hearing about your Hello Kitty fetishes. While I view myself as being quite liberal and believe that what consenting adults decide to do in their own home is their own business, that doesn’t mean I have any desire to actually know in detail what it is you are doing with Hello Kitty in the privacy of your own home (and for all you Hello Kitty fanatics that visit this site that complain I’m being mean to Hello Kitty, believe me, you have no idea (nor do you want to know) what some people are doing to – or should I say “with” – her…).

I think it is pretty safe to claim a new low in Hello Kitty Hell when those with Hello Kitty fetishes believe not only that it is OK to email theirs to me, but that I would actually want to read about it…

Armband of Shame

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Apparently the police in Thailand have come up with the perfect way to keep their police officers in line – threaten to make them wear a pink Hello Kitty armbands to discipline them for such things as being late for work, parking in prohibited areas, fighting, failing to report for duty and giving poor service:

Hello Kitty eco bag

This is apparently not a joke and is intended to shame police officers into doing a better job and from repeating offences. The department has 10 armbands available that will begin being used this week. Just to make things a bit worse, first-time offenders must accompany the officer rostered as deputy chief of the day which means wearing the armband to all the major offices within the Crime Suppression Division.

Living in Hello Kitty Hell and knowing what it feels like to walk around with Hello Kitty, I have a feeling that this project will either be a great success or the Thai government will be overthrown in protest – with the edge going toward a complete government overthrow.

Of course, my wife doesn’t see it quite the same way. “If all police officers wore Hello Kitty armbands, the public would love and respect them a lot more. The Hello Kitty armband should be a part of every police uniform…”

It seems that I won’t be the only person living in Hello Kitty Hell this week…

via Bangkok Post (better photo courtesy of Chris)

Hello Kitty Media

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If you want to know why your newspapers and magazines are filled with crap, it’s because Hello Kitty has even brainwashed the media into Hello Kitty fanaticism where they can’t believe that Hello Kitty is anything but “fantastic”:

Hi There,

I work for the World Entertainment News Network (WENN) where we have offices all around the world. WENN is a news and picture agency that provides the media worldwide with news, photos & features. A friend of mine has came across your website and your fantastic Crystal Hello Kitty Doll and has passed the link over to me.

I think your idea of this Hello Kitty doll is fantastic and would like to try and get some free publicity for you and your idea. We have close contacts within the press and magazines both here in the UK and Worldwide. Would it be possible for you to supply us with images of your hello kitty crystal doll and a little bit of information that we could use in a possible feature that we could put together to supply to the press and magazines. I could use your information from your website if this would be okay with you.

Obviously a credit would be given to yourself giving you more exposure and visitors to your web site. We would also supply you with a copy of any feature that made it to print.

If you have any high resolution photos you could send me by email that would be fantastic, images should be as large as possible, ideally at 300dpi but as big or as high a resolution as possible would be great.

Hope to hear from you soon. Have a good day.

WTF??? This person must be illiterate because for some unfathomable reason she believes that it is mine (obviously not the case which she would know if she actually read the post). Furthermore, if it was in this house, it would most definitely not be mine and there is little chance that my wife would let me get near it. Lastly, if you read even a single post on this blog, you would instinctively know that “Hello Kitty” and “fantastic” would never be used in the same sentence unless there are a lot of explosives detonating in the same sentence as well.

Obviously if the media can’t read, you’re going to get crap in the media. The sad thing is that this is becoming more common. I get several emails like this each month now. I’ve even received emails from Sanrio employees asking me to plug their new stuff (my theory is that they are all taking hallucinogenic drugs as that would explain many of the things that they create and why they would email me to try and promote Hello Kitty). Seriously, why would anyone with an IQ higher than that of single cell organism get the idea that I like Hello Kitty, let alone that I think that anything related to hello Kitty would be my idea of a good thing?

You know that Hello Kitty Hell is getting bad when the media are so blinded by the draw of Hello Kitty that they will contact me in an effort to promote her…

Hello Kitty Open Letter To Children

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I know that there are others out there living in Hello Kitty Hell. Most suffer in silence only to be found in statistics (I figure at least 95% of the suicides in the world can be directly attributed to Hello Kitty in one way or another). There are, however, rare occasions when others in Hello Kitty Hell break out of their chains and announce to the world what living with Hello Kitty is truly like.

It is with complete sympathy that I read Goodbye Kitty – an open letter to my darling daughter knowing that as bad as it sounds, it will only get worse (and what Hello Kitty Hell will be like for me when we have children) as she grows older and wants even more Hello Kitty goods. He’ll be in my thoughts tonight as I raise a beer to a suffering kindred spirit…

Thanks to Violet who emailed me the link and suggested that “you and this guy should get together for a beer. or twelve.” Why stop there? I’m thinking a keg still won’t be enough to drown out the pain…

Whiners

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It appears that there is a group of Hello Kitty fanatics that don’t like me because I don’t tell readers where to find the Hello Kitty items on my site. They write me emails (and sometimes leave comments) telling me what a horribly awful person I am. For example, here is the last email I received from one of them this weekend (which, scarily enough, is pretty typical of the ones I receive):

What’s your problem not telling us where you get the Hello Kitty stuff on your site. It will only take you a minute to tell us, but you have to be a complete a**hole about it. I don’t know how your wife can put up with you. I think it’s utterly disgusting and you’re not fit to live on earth the way you treat us. You’re the worst person ever.

I’m going to find where those sneakers are whether you tell me or not, so you might as well. All you’re doing is being a pig about it. It’s no wonder you’re in hell, that is exactly where you deserve to be. I hope your wife makes your life even more hell. I’m surprised she hasn’t left you being as awful as you are.

You should stop blogging because it doesn’t help anyone because you’re too selfish to help anyone find the things on your blog. When I find those shoes, I’m going to email you to show you that I got them so you know that your being an idiot didn’t work. Do us all a favor and die.

Now, it may be just me, but usually when you find someone “utterly disgusting and not fit to live on this earth,” and you want them to do you the favor of just dying, you usually stop visiting their blog. That way each day of your life isn’t ruined and you don’t feel compelled to write yet another email explaining how evil I am. Obviously this is not the case since I seem to get these repeatedly from several people. Therefore, here is my message to all the Hello Kitty whiners:

1. If I am the “worst person in the world” you have ever come across, feel blessed with your life. On the scale of human tragedy, a blogger that doesn’t tell you where you can get Hello Kitty items probably doesn’t make the top 1000 let alone the top 10…

2. If you don’t like my blog and you get upset enough that you feel you must email me and tell me what a horrible person I am and what a terrible blog I have, don’t read it. Your life is much too short to spend time writing to a blogger about how terrible he is when he doesn’t care what you think. Instead, take the time to go to your family and friends and tell them how much you love them — it would be a much more constructive use of your time and Hello Kitty would even approve…

3. This is a blog about my rantings on Hello Kitty. That’s the theme. I’m not sure why Hello Kitty fanatics have been drawn to it because that was certainly never a goal, but if you fail to comprehend the simple fact that this blog is not being written to help you find more Hello Kitty items for your own collection, it’s going to frustrate you far more than it’s worth. Head over to Sanrio where they will be more than happy to help you find more Hello Kitty items for your collection.

4. If you are going to tell me that I’m the worst person in the world in one sentence and send me photos and/or links to Hello Kitty products in the same email that you want me to put on this blog, don’t be disappointed and email me back a hundred times asking why I haven’t put up your photos. While it seems pretty obvious to me why I wouldn’t use them, apparently it is not to you since you keep emailing me and asking why.

I, unfortunately, get a lot of Hello Kitty photos sent to me and my wife gets even more. There are far too many to place them all up. Unless it’s something that is truly unique, causes a conversation between my wife and I or I feel that it’s worth writing about, it won’t go up. If you have told me what a terrible blog I have at some point in the same email, I’ve probably already deleted your email before even looking at the photo…

5. Stop whining. People don’t like whiners because, basically, they get on everyone’s nerves. If you’re under ten, you’re still a kid and are allowed to whine. If you’re old enough to be reading this blog and you’re still whining, it’s time to stop and act your age. Not only will this allow you to get along with more people, you’ll have a much better relationship with your significant other. Best of all, Hello Kitty would approve…