One mans hell with cute overload
As I have said plenty of times in the past, if the evil feline thinks that she can make a buck, she will do whatever it takes to do it. While I have no doubt that Hello Kitty is in talks with Louis Vuitton about making a Hello Kitty Louis Vuitton bag, apparently those discussions aren’t going fast enough. Now most companies would try to negotiate harder if there was a problem, but not Hello Kitty. She simply steals the style and makes her own Hello Kitty Louis Vuitton purse:
It’s never a good sign when the first week of the New Year begins with situations like this, and it gets even worse when I take a look at all those posts that didn’t make the front page this week. Flee while you can and leave the links below alone because once you look, there is no erasing what you have seen:
Hello Kitty Weapons (photo gallery)
Hello Kitty Fanatic Significant Other (update)
Hello Kitty Star Wars (photo gallery)
Hello Kitty Snuggie (update)
Hello Kitty Bong (update)
Hello Kitty Room (update)
Hello Kitty Xbox Controller
Hello Kitty Advent Calendar (update)
If this is any indication of how this year is going to shape up, it’s going to be one Hello Kitty Hellish 365 days.
Now that we’re back in the US, my wife is dutifully trying to Hello Kittify our new place like in Japan. To keep my sanity, I try to take off each day to an Internet cafe to get work done. One would think that I would be safe now that I am not in the land of the evil feline, but that would be greatly underestimating Hello Kitty’s will to make my life hell.
I now know that I should never, ever check this blog in public. There were some notices in my email that a number of comments needed to be moderated, so I headed over to this blog to approve them. If I had only known what would happen next.
As the blog came up on the screen, the woman next to me must have glanced over to see it.
Woman: “Oh, I love that blog!”
Me: Instantly knowing this wasn’t going to be good when I looked to see a variety of Hello Kitty crap among her possessions. I forced a smile and remained silent hoping against hope that she would leave the conversation at that, ignoring the universal truth that if a person is a Hello Kitty fanatic, there is no shutting them up once the topic turns to Hello Kitty.
Woman: “I didn’t know guys like to look for Hello Kitty stuff too. Are you looking to get something for your wife? I love looking for new stuff there.”
Me: “Well, not exactly…” (thinking: “Seriously, this can’t be happening to me.”)
Woman: “Oh, you should buy your wife Hello Kitty jewelry. She’ll LOVE (repeated 3 times) IT! See, I have this necklace…” and the woman begins to go through and explain about all the Hello Kitty items she owns.
Me: (Thinking: “you have got to be kidding me…”) as I interrupt her, not really thinking what might happen because all I want to do is get this woman to stop talking about Hello Kitty. “Look, I am the guy that writes this blog, and…”
Woman” “OMG! OMG! OMG!”
Me: (Thinking: “oh crap, what have I just done?”)
Woman: Starts excitedly talking a million miles a minute so that nothing is comprehensible except for the final sentence which is, “your wife is my hero.” She then takes something out of her purse, hands it to me and says, “I want your wife to have this.”
Me: (Thinking: “this can’t be happening…) Thanks, but there is no need to do that.”
Woman: “No, I insist. I love your wife.”
Me: (Thinking: “under no circumstances should I ever let this woman and my wife meet if I want to keep my sanity…) “No, really, it’s not necessary…”
Woman: “Your wife will love it! You have to give it to her from me.”
Me: “Seriously, there is no need…”
Woman: Interrupting me mid sentence. “You have to promise to give it to her.”
Me: “Well…”
Woman: “There are no buts about it. It’s settled. You promise to give it to her, right?”
Me: “Seriously, she doesn’t need it. Have you ever read my blog? She has more…”
Woman: interrupts mid sentence again. “Oh, I LOVE (repeated 3 times again) your blog” and then goes into her undecipherable, mile a minute blabber about all the things she likes on the blog.”
Me: (wondering: “what is the worst of these two evils – having to listen to this woman blather for the next half hour about Hello Kitty or taking the thing for my wife and getting out of there asap.”) “Fine, fine,” I said grabbing the Hello Kitty face carabiner key chain and getting the hell out of there as quickly as I possibly could:
So now I have this and there is no possible way I’m going to give it to my wife because if I do, she’ll insist on meeting this woman and that would certainly produce unimaginable ripples in the very fabric of life as we know it. So I will instead give it away.
The contest is simple and should give Hello Kitty fanatics a fun dilemma to try and overcome. Simply leave a comment in this post listing 3 or more reasons why you hate Hello Kitty. Any comment which has anything positive to say about Hello Kitty will be disqualified.
I will have a random number generated for the comments that qualify left below. The person’s comment that matches the number will receive the Hello Kitty face carabiner.
The contest starts now and will end at 11:59 pm eastern (10:59 pm central, 9:59 pm mountain and 8:59 pm pacific) on Tuesday January 12th. Open to anyone living anywhere in the world including my wife (oh, how I would love to see her list three reasons she hates Hello Kitty).
Update: There were 181 entries in this contest and the random number came out 20 – contragatualtions to Yasmin for being the winner:
If there is anything that you learn in Hello Kitty Hell, it’s that the evil feline loves her drug culture. Between Hello Kitty bongs and Hello Kitty cocaine, you knew that at some point someone would think that something like Hello Kitty sporting 6 tabs of LSD on her tongue tattoo would somehow be a good idea:
If there is one rule of thumb when living with a Hello Kitty fanatic, it is never to leave anything that you value where the Hello Kitty fanatic has access to it. Why you ask? Because if you do, you’ll end up with an Xbox controller that looks like this…
left by eignasan via Twitter who says “My boyfriend will love his improved HK controller when he sees it.”
Update: Apparently Gamecube game controllers are also not immune against being Hello Kittified:
Sent in by Fluff who asks, “Why do girls feel the need to collect all that rubbish? Check out what my gf did to my gamecube controller!”
I have a simple policy of not telling Hello Kitty fanatics where they can get the stuff on this blog. That doesn’t stop those that worship the evil feline from complaining and whining. When they realize that their tantrums have little effect on me, they move onto the next stage of trying to bribe me for the information. One Hello Kitty fanatic was so desperate that she offered to send me naked photos of herself for information on where to get stuff (yeah, like that would go over well with my wife…). The latest of these attempts was this costume — with the claim that this is the best Hello Kitty costume ever:
It’s that time when I list all those updates and posts that didn’t make the front page. If you really want to make 2010 better than 2009, one of the first resolutions that you should make is to stop torturing yourself by looking at all the Hello Kitty crap that exists in the world. That mean leaving this blog right now and doing something massively more productive and beneficial to the world like watching butter melt or grass grow.
And if you happen to be one of those people that are here because you actually like the evil feline, a Hello Kitty detox program would probably be a wonderful New Year’s Resolution for yourself. Just saying…
Hello Kitty Fanatic Significant Other Photo (update)
Hello Kitty Bratz Lady Gaga Dress
Hello Kitty Soldier Cake
Hello Kitty Computer Keyboard (update)
Hello Kitty Mouth Mutant
Hello Kitty Wine (update)
Hello Kitty Eye Mask (update)
Hello Kitty Wii (update)
Hello Kitty Dog Holiday Nightmare
Hello Kitty Xmas Tree (update)
Hello Kitty Fanatic Shame
Hello Kitty Christmas Stocking
Hello Kitty Advent Calendar
Hello Kitty Water Dispenser
It’s important to let all those out there who make a special effort to get their Hello Kitty fanatic significant other something that she would like to immediately stop it. It not only puts you deeper into Hello Kitty Hell, it makes it worse for all of us who are desperately trying to escape from it. Case in point, the Hello Kitty Rockband Guitar:
Seriously, if you see something like this on your girlfriend (or she even hints that she wants something like this), it’s a pretty good indication that it’s time to get out of the relationship as quickly as possible (or know that you will subject yourself to intolerable pain living a life in Hello Kitty Hell):
Apparently Bratz doesn’t feel that Barbie should be the only one to get to wear the dress. It really doesn’t make a difference what doll is wearing it. It’s going to give the average non Hello Kitty fanatic nightmares…
Sent in by tiff (via veik11 – used with permission)