Hello Kitty Gold Hand Grenades

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio┬« has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty┬« to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

For a cat that claims to bring love and understanding to the world, Hello Kitty sure does have quite a supply of pink weapons. One would assume that a pink Hello Kitty hand grenade would be more than enough for the evil feline to show her heartfelt kindness to all, but apparently she felt that a single variety of hand grenade just wasn’t quite enough to spread that love around. The solution? A gold Hello Kitty hand grenade, of course:

Hello Kitty gold face hand grenade

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Hello Kitty Dentures

As you all well know, I don’t get Hello Kitty. It isn’t just some parts of it — I don’t get any of it. That being said, there are certain areas that I don’t get a lot more than others. For example, I have absolutely no idea why an cat with no mouth has such an oral fixation. Not just any oral fixation, either. In typical Hello Kitty fashion, the oral fixation is with the most bizarre stuff imaginable. How else can anyone explain the existence of the Hello Kitty tooth, Hello Kitty retainers, Hello Kitty braces and the Hello Kitty grill?

One would imagine that she would have pretty much explored all she could in this area, but once again that would be greatly underestimating the lengths that the evil feline will go to to brand absolutely everything. I mean, what’s a Hello Kitty fanatic to do once they get older and they begin to lose all those blinged out HK teeth? Well, get Hello Kitty dentures of course:

Hello Kitty fake teeth dentures false tooth

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Hello Kitty Prius

I knew that I would probably regret putting together a photo album of all the different Hello Kitty cars that exist, and it sure didn’t take long for the regret to arrive in my email. No sooner had Sammy Bear on facebook asked the question, “Out of all the cars so far…where is a Prius? just saying” did this a Hello Kitty Prius photo show up (like anyone would doubt that a Hello Kitty Toyota Prius existed…)

Hello Kitty Toyota Prius hybrid car

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Hello Kitty Paper Clips

I should know by now never to ask my wife for something, no matter how innocent that request may seem, because the request will undoubtedly result in Hello Kitty somehow invading my life (like the Hello Kitty paper shredder). Take, for example, what happened when I temporarily lost my senses and I asked my wife for a paper clip. One would assume that this request for a mundane office supply would hold no danger whatsoever, but that assumption fails to take into account that nothing is safe when it comes to Hello Kitty. So instead of something practical that I could use to hold my papers together, I instead received something that had grotesquely morphed into a Hello Kitty paper clip:

kawaii Hello Kitty paper clip office supply

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Hello Kitty Halloween Car

As I have stated before, the Halloween season is the start of a lot of Hello Kitty Hellishness. One would hope that the evil feline would be able to keep the theme somewhat on target with Hello Kitty pumpkins and Hello Kitty costumes with very little deviation into such things as Hello Kitty Halloween cupcakes, Hello Kitty Halloween tattoos and Hello Kitty Halloween nails. Of course, that would be hoping for the impossible as the Hello Kitty Halloween car so perfectly illustrates:

VW Bug Hello Kitty Halloween car

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Zooey Deschanel Hello Kitty

While it’s certainly true that Hello Kitty finds a variety of ways to make my life hell on a daily basis, most of the time I can take it. Then there are the days when the evil feline devastates me.

I have always had a secret celebrity crush on Zooey Deschanel. Since I had never seen a photograph of her wearing the evil feline like so many other celebrities, I’d come to assume that she was one of the sane ones out there.

zooey deschanel loves Hello Kitty

So you can imagine the devastation I felt when I discovered that not only did Zooey Deschanel have this monstrosity (3rd photo down) of a Hello Kitty sewing machine, she was actually quite proud of it:

The Hello Kitty janome sewing machine that Zooey Deschanel owns

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Hello Kitty Build A Bear Halloween

While all seasons suck when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, the end of the year is the worst. I know immediately when October arrives because people start sending me stuff like Hello Kitty Halloween costumes and Hello Kitty pumpkins. And that is just the tip of the iceberg of the Hello Kitty Halloween crap that exists out there. To perfectly illustrate this point, I present the exclusive Hello Kitty Build-A-Bear Halloween orange witch:

Build a bear Hello Kitty Halloween orange

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Hello Kitty Dog's World

While I don’t believe that anyone actually lives more of a Hello Kitty Hellish life than myself, I really do feel for the pet owners of Hello Kitty fanatics. Especially dogs who must have done some pretty horrific things in their past life to have been dealt such a humiliating hand in this one. Here is yet another prime example of what those poor dogs must endure:

Hello Kitty sleeping mask on dog

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Hello Kitty Eating Disorder

We all know that Hello Kitty claims to be a wonderful role model (and how could we ever dispute that with all the Hello Kitty weapons, Hello Kitty alcohol and Hello Kitty scarification she so generously promotes to lead all toward the good life). Now we have further proof of Hello Kitty’s goodness and role model worthiness as she tries to help girls look their best: I present the Hello Kitty bulimic:

hello kitty bulimia

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