I should know by now that there is no such thing as a normal conversation when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. If the conversation has anything to do with something that might be needed, I will find it at our doorstep a week later in all its Hello Kittiness. That is how the Hello Kitty yoga mat arrived:
This is the conversation that lead to the arrival of the Hello Kitty yoga mat:
wife: “Isn’t that uncomfortable?”
me: (doing stretches for my back) “Not really. It’s not too hard here”
wife: “But wouldn’t it be more comfortable with a mat?”
me: “Maybe, but it doesn’t seem worth the trouble of buying one. It’s not that bad.”
wife: “hmmmmm”
That was the entire conversation. Now that I think back on it, I should have known that something Hello Kitty Hellish would take place. When my wife says, “hmmmmm” it means she’s thinking and when she is thinking, that invariably means it has something to do with Hello Kitty. Of course, when I saw it, my initial reaction was:
me: “Honey, what’s that?” (thinking: “wtf is going on here?”)
wife: “It’s the workout mat you wanted.” (no tone of sarcasm at all – as if this is what I had truly requested)
me: “I didn’t say I wanted a workout mat…” (thinking: “did I say I wanted a workout mat?”)
wife: “Sure you did.” (still smiling)
me: “No, I think I said that I was just fine…” (still thinking: “did I say I wanted a workout mat?”)
wife: “You said it would be more comfortable with a mat, so I bought you a mat. Don’t you like it?”
me: “It’s fine, but…” (thinking: “uh oh, this is not a good turn in the conversation”)
wife: “But???” (her tone raising to the Hello Kitty Hellish level)
me: “but… but… (thinking hard how to escape without having to spend the night on the couch in the Hello kitty sleeping bag)…I don’t think Hello Kitty would appreciate me sweating all over her. (thinking: whew, that was a close one and a damn good come back if I do say so myself)
wife: “You can exercise, but you can’t sweat on Hello Kitty.” (in a stern voice as an order)
me: “Umm, then I can’t use the mat because I sweat when I exercise.” (thinking: cool, I’m getting out of this one)
wife: “You can only use it when you stretch. When you do your sit-ups, you can’t use it.”
me: “Then why do I need the mat at all? (thinking: “oops, that shouldn’t have slipped out…this is going to mean trouble…”)
wife: (raising the Hello Kitty Hell eyebrow and using the Hello Kitty Hell voice of question) “You don’t appreciate that I got this for your health?”
me: “No, I greatly appreciate it…” (backpedaling as quickly as possible thinking: “this is not going to end well”)
wife: “Good. Then you can use it for stretching, but not for exercise. And you may want to use it under the Hello Kitty sleeping bag as well” (as she pointed toward the closet)
So now I must use the Hello Kitty yoga mat for my daily stretching (or face the Hello Kitty Hell wrath of why I am not using it since my wife bought it for me), but can’t use it when I’m doing my exercises (when I really need it the most). I know that doesn’t make sense, but it does in Hello Kitty Hell. I can also tell you there is nothing less manly than doing stretches on a Hello Kitty yoga mat. And so Hello Kitty Hell continues…
