One mans hell with cute overload
If you are ever involved with someone that insists that you paint your house Pepto Bismol pink, that is a sign that you should seriously consider getting out of the relationship. If they then take it a step further and put a Hello Kitty on the garage door with a sparkly heart underneath (and Mickey Mouse to the side for good measure), you know that it’s time to sprint in the opposite direction as fast as possible:
As with all things Hello Kitty, no matter how bad you think they have become, somewhere out there the evil feline is ready to show that things can always get worse. It was bad enough that they made a Hello Kitty cocktail, not to mention Hello Kitty wine, Hello Kitty sake and even Hello Kitty beer. From this one could expect that Hello Kitty whisky is just around the corner, but did someone really have to go and take it even a step further and create a Hello Kitty bar?
You really don’t know Hello Kitty Hell until a true Hello Kitty fanatic is in your presence on a daily basis. Imagine, for instance, that you had a co-worker that was a Hello Kitty fanatic. You might be saying to yourself, “oh, I know someone that likes the evil feline” but they really aren’t a Hello Kitty fanatic unless they have decorated their desk like this:
If you ever see me with a smile like this on my face with that much Hello kitty crap around, you have my permission to take out any of the many Hello Kitty guns available and put me out of my misery. Seriously. (if I was ever caught in a Hello Kitty hood or Hello Kitty T-shirt like that, I would have already done it myself):
Sent in by too many different people (via hello mimi) all who should be forced to live like him for even thinking that sending a photo like this could ever be a positive thing.
Anyone who has read this blog for awhile knows about the Hello Kitty sleeping bag and how I spend far too much time in it on our couch. It simply goes to show how much I suffer in Hello Kitty Hell that this sleeping bag had been used so much that my wife decided that it needed to be replaced. Thus I was shown my new bedding for all those times I dare to cross the evil feline:
It’s all right. Settle down and catch your breath. I know you read that headline and just about had a heart attack thinking that I had finally completely lost it. I’m sure you pictured me having been taken away in a Hello Kitty straight jacket to spend the rest of my life knocking my head against Hello Kitty themed padded walls (which is undoubtedly coming soon). No, in reality you once again failed to realize the utterly ridiculous levels Hello Kitty will go to sell her image. The headline is unfortunately literally accurate — The evil feline is now selling hand painted rocks that are done in her image:
Just when you believe that Sanrio can’t possible think of a more completely useless product than the Hello Kitty banana cover, they go and do this. Can Hello Kitty dirt be far behind? Or possibly a Hello Kitty slingshot to add to the ever growing arsenal of Hello Kitty weapons.
Of course, my wife absolutely loves these. Upon seeing them, the ever present “this is so cute” came with an overly elongated “soooooo” that is a unbreakable secret code that Hello Kitty fanatics use to determine exactly where in the overall scheme of Hello Kitty each product ranks.
You know how this came about. Someone at Sanrio said, “Hey, remember years ago when the pet rock was all the rage? Why don’t we make a Hello Kitty pet rock?” Now, at any other corporation in the world, that person would have been fired the next day, but in the world of Hello Kitty, that person has been promoted to a management position. Which simply means that more stuff like this will continue to flood the market for Hello Kitty fanatics and continue to move my Hello Kitty Hell to new depths…
Sent in by Adora who deserves to have to spend her life painting rocks in the image of Hello Kitty and then have them thrown at her for thinking that sending this to me could be a good idea in any way, shape or form.
Update: Apparently the evil feline didn’t feel that painted rocks were enough and found a way to put her likeness into a natural Hello Kitty stone:
Left by @chefpandita on Twitter
Receiving emails with Hello Kitty photos attached is disturbing in itself, but even more disturbing is the trend of people sending me photos of their personal Hello Kitty stuff:
Here is a simple question. Why in the world would I want to look at your Hello Kitty crap when I already have to spend the entire day looking at all my wife’s Hello Kitty crap? For all those that keep sending me photos of their Hello Kitty stuff, please be clear about the following:
1. No matter how Hello Kittified your room, house or life is, it’s still paltry compared to my wife.
2. I realize that it bothers you to no end that there is someone out there that has more Hello Kitty stuff than you, but I’m not going to send you photos of all my wife’s Hello Kitty crap so that you can see how much further you have to go to top her.
3. I will not go through the list of Hello Kitty things that you send to me and tell you which ones my wife has and which ones she doesn’t. I would rather go to the dentist and have a root canal performed without any anesthesia than do something like that.
4. I could really care less how much time it has taken you to lay out all your Hello Kitty crap so that you could take a photo of it to send to me. Instead of whining that your effort should get the photo posted on this blog, save yourself time and me the horror of seeing it and just don’t do it.
5. While you may think it would be fun to be the penfriend of some guy that bashes on Hello Kitty on a regular basis, the thought of that is one of my worst nightmares so please stop asking.
6. While you may think that I’m a complete (insert expletive of choice here) because I don’t use your photos on this blog or write back to you when you email me, think of this as me actually being kind. If I did either, you would be even more offended.
7. Your 1000 word essays to me on why Hello Kitty is great is a waste of both your time and mine. In fact, I read the first 2 sentences (if that much) and then hit delete.
8. Yes, I realize that there are other Sanrio characters that exist. No, I’m not going to make a blog about them, too, because you want me to “find obscure photos of these characters so you don’t have to spend all your time looking for them.” And no, I’m not going to send you another email explaining in more detail than my previous answer of simply stating “No” — which, if I might say, I thought was quite generous on my part to even reply with that.
9. No, I am not willing to help you find some Hello Kitty crap that you have been searching for for the last 10 years even if it isn’t listed on this blog. Since I’ve already made it clear that I’m not going to tell you where you can get the Hello Kitty crap on this site, I thought that this would be obvious, but apparently I still underestimate the common sense of Hello Kitty fanatics.
10. Your offer to send nude photos of you and your friends in exchange to find out where you can buy some of the crap on this blog, while inventive, would leave me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag even longer than when I say bad things about Hello Kitty — therefore it’s not an acceptable trade no matter how beautiful you think you are.
Unfortunately, these are a typical monthly round of emails when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…
Photo sent in by Cangela11 who, among all the others who have contributed to the above list, deserves unthinkable torture for believing that it could in any way, shape or form be a good idea to send any of their photos or emails to me…
Just one more indication that Hello Kitty fans can’t leave even a bad idea alone. I was already cringing at the Hello Kitty flower bouquets, but there was no way that the evil feline would stop at that. Instead, she morphed the bouquet from flowers to fruit creating a Hello Kitty edible fruit bouquet:
Yes, those are Hello Kitty pineapple shapes which again takes another bad idea (Hello Kitty Fruit) and takes it to another level by making it into the evil feline’s image. I’m sure if one of these ever arrives at our house, I will have to weigh whether it’s simply better to trash it immediately or first violently bite Hello Kitty’s head off, both of which would likely relegate me to the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag for a long period of time.
Even worse, it all comes in a keepsake tin so that you have to remember the horrifying experience every time I see it (there is something about these keepsakes that Hello Kitty fanatics absolutely love which of course only deepens the Hello Kitty Hell pit).
Of course, my wife loves it and thinks that it’s a brilliant idea. “Who wouldn’t want to receive a fruit basket filled with Hello Kitty?” which pretty much means I’m going to have to face this monstrosity at some point in the future. Just one more thing to look forward to in Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by Mike who should have to eat all his food in the shape of Hello Kitty for even having the notion that sending this to me would be a good idea…
Update: Worse than these actually existing is that some people think it’s a good idea to purchase them and give as a gift:
Sent in by Caitlin
