Year: 2007

Hello Kitty Tiara

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My wife has decided that we need to go on random Hello Kitty excursions around Japan these next couple of weeks which means I’m going to have limited time to actually comment about the Hello Kitty Hell I’m suffering through. Instead of leaving the blog blank during this time, I have decided to go through the 250+ emails that have sent me photos of random Hello Kitty Hell products (believe me, there are far more than you want to know and this goes to show that Hello Kitty fanatics spend too much time sending me email rather than doing something productive like living life) and will be placing them up, but without the usual commentary. Please feel free to place your own commentary as you see fit and hopefully I will not have slashed my wrists from some awful Hello Kitty Hell experience before I get the chance to write some more.

So to get things started, the Hello Kitty Tiara worn by Jeffree Star (yes, that is a guy)

Hello Kitty tiara

Sent in by Faye (via Jeffree Star) who should have to not only wear the tiara, but color her hair Hello Kitty pink as well for thinking it would be a good idea to send this to me…

Hello Kitty Cheerleader Superhero Video

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It’s when I receive things like this in my email box that I know it’s going to be a horrendous Hello Kitty Hell day:

If we ever have a girl, that is exactly how my wife hopes our daughter turns out. I think I’ll go and cry in a corner and pray for a boy (although that might even be worse)…

This was so bad that the person that sent it did so anonymously. While they should definitely have to dress up like this for the rest of their lives for even thinking of sending it to me, I give them credit for not wanting to be associated with such a Hello Kitty Hellish and lower the sentence to just a year…

Hello Kitty Corset

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We already know that Hello Kitty makes a wide variety of underwear including bras, boxers and even some scary boy’s briefs, but of course that is not enough — Hello Kitty has not mastered full domination until she also has a Hello Kitty corset:

Hello Kitty corest

Hello Kitty corest

My wife loves it. “Isn’t it wonderful how Hello Kitty is always helping women look their best?”

For a brief moment, I actually thought the idea of a Hello Kitty fanatic (namely my wife) getting a Hello Kitty corset would be good. There might be a tiny bit of justice if she decided to wear the corset and had it tied so tight that she could hardly breath (of course, all in the name of Hello Kitty helping women look better), but it didn’t take long to realize that this type of reasoning doesn’t work on my wife. Buying stuff for her Hello Kitty collection has nothing to do with actually using the stuff 99% of the time (of course this doesn’t make any sense, but we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics never do — unless you also happen to be a Hello Kitty fanatic).

The Hello Kitty Hell gods teasing me by getting my hopes up that justice would actually be served to a Hello Kitty fanatic for however brief a moment is yet another aspect of living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to kittyfan3 (via mindticor.com) who should have to wear one of these as tight as possible for bringing it to my attention

Hello Kitty Boyfriend

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It’s bad enough that Hello Kitty fanatics feel it is okay to dress up cats and dogs as Hello Kitty, but you know you’re in real trouble when they feel it is appropriate to dress you up as Hello Kitty as this poor soul found out:

Hello Kitty boyfriend

I want to scream and shout at him to run for his life, but if he has endured until this point, there is no hope for him. I’m sure that he will be seeking to write a column on this blog in the not too distant future. My wife thinks that he is wonderful. “Look at how he shares his love of Hello Kitty with his girlfriend. You could learn from him…” I was tempted to remind her that she had to do this to him while he was sleeping, but didn’t want to place the thought into her mind that it might be a good thing to do to me, too.

His only saving grace is that his girlfriend had the decency to block out his face so he wouldn’t be ridiculed by all of his co-workers and friends for the rest of his life. My wife would have done no such thing she says. “You should be proud to show off your love of Hello Kitty if you’re male or female. Hello Kitty loves everyone the same.” And she wonders why I won’t let her do something like that to me…

The new Hello Kitty Hell concern is that my wife has embraced the idea of dressing me up while I’m sleeping. She hasn’t mentioned it specifically (and as I mentioned, I didn’t want to give her any ideas), but she had that Hello Kitty Hell twinkle in her eye as she looked at it and that can only mean trouble. Just one more worry to add to all the rest living in Hello Kitty Hell…

From xina in the comments, who really should have to wear the Hello Kitty head gear herself everyday for the rest of her life for any ideas she has given my wife…

Hello Kitty Leather Jacket

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I know it’s going to be another Hellish day in Hello Kitty Hell when my wife decides I need a Hello Kitty leather jacket like this guy:

legacy of cuteality

Of course, she also wants to know why I’m not as enthusiastic about Hello Kitty as he is to which I simply have to say, if I even become 1/1,000,000 as enthusiastic as he is, someone simply shoot me and put me out of my misery…

Now I will have to wait in dire Hello Kitty Hell fear that a Hello Kitty leather jacket will soon appear at our door…

Left in the comments by Catherine who should have to marry this guy for even considering showing me this video

Hello Kitty Cell Phone Charger

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Well, that certainly didn’t take long. Now that my wife has her blinged out Hello Kitty cell phone, she has decided that she needs to increase the number of Hello Kitty cell phone accessories she has (like that is a big surprise). Here latest purchase is this Hello Kitty portable cell phone recharger:

Hello Kitty cell phone recharger

Basically it is nothing more than a piece of molded plastic with USB cable, but my wife seems to like it for two main reasons: It’s light (only 50g including battery weight, but not the cable) so it’s not a problem for her to take it anywhere and Hello Kitty’s cheeks turn pink when the cell phone is charged (which she says is “so incredibly cute!”). At least it wasn’t one of her more expensive purchases at only $8 (998 yen) although with battery replacement it is going to cost a lot more in the long run.

I’m just trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of Hello Kitty cell phone accessories that will undoubtedly be showing up on our doorstep in the coming weeks and the Hello Kitty Hell situations that they will inevitably create…

Hello Kitty Fetish Fanatics

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Let me say this once (I really don’t believe that I need to say this even one time) — I seriously have no (I’m talking 100%) interest in hearing about your Hello Kitty fetishes. While I view myself as being quite liberal and believe that what consenting adults decide to do in their own home is their own business, that doesn’t mean I have any desire to actually know in detail what it is you are doing with Hello Kitty in the privacy of your own home (and for all you Hello Kitty fanatics that visit this site that complain I’m being mean to Hello Kitty, believe me, you have no idea (nor do you want to know) what some people are doing to – or should I say “with” – her…).

I think it is pretty safe to claim a new low in Hello Kitty Hell when those with Hello Kitty fetishes believe not only that it is OK to email theirs to me, but that I would actually want to read about it…

Cell Phone

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My wife finally got herself a Hello Kitty cell phone, but since the official Hello Kitty cell phones weren’t Hello Kittified enough for her taste, she instead had this monstrosity custom made:

Hello Kitty cell phone

Hello Kitty cellular phone

Since I don’t have a cell phone, my wife insisted that I take hers when I went out shopping yesterday in case she thought of some other things to add to the list she had given me. There’s definitely a Hello Kitty Hell law that states that when someone is living in Hello Kitty Hell and is forced to take some Hello Kitty branded item with them, the moment that that item will need to be used will be at the most embarrassing moment possible. Thus the phone rang right at the moment that I was in the most crowded section of the grocery store.

There is nothing that exudes “strange foreigner” in Japan more than a six foot three inch tall guy taking out a hideously blinged out Hello Kitty cell phone that is playing the Hello Kitty theme song as the ringtone in the middle of a crowded grocery store and having to explain that, “no, I am not lying and pretending I can’t find the Hello Kitty sausages you wanted. They aren’t here” and “yes, I do agree (because I don’t want to sleep in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight) that Hello Kitty pancakes are wonderful and it is also beyond me why the grocery store doesn’t stock Hello Kitty brand pancake mix.”

After talking and hanging up, I of course have every single mother and child in that area of the store looking at me with a raised eyebrow trying to decide if I am just a weird foreigner that likes Hello Kitty or some freaked out lunatic that has no grasp of the reality that grown men don’t have Hello Kitty cell phones (with the latter usually winning out). I immediately sulk away where upon the phone rings again and the entire process starts anew.

And the sad part is that is nothing unusual for a day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Race Queen

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If you ever had any doubt that Hello Kitty wants it all, this should help put it to rest. Not satisfied to been the queen of cuteness, Hello Kitty also wants to be sexy. What other explanation can be found for this Hello Kitty Zent race queen plush:

Hello Kitty race queen

Hello Kitty race queen

Hello Kitty race queen

What exactly is Zent you ask? It’s a Super GT race car team:

Hello Kitty race queen

Just because you associate with women in skimpy outfits does not mean that you, yourself should wear the same outfit. The same holds true with Hello Kitty (like that would ever make a difference to Hello Kitty). Of course, my wife thinks this makes Hello Kitty “both cute and sexy.”

Normally this would not warrant a Hello Kitty Hell entry because on the scale of having to look at Hello Kitty, there are plenty of alternatives in the photo to keep my eyes occupied. If I have to look at Hello Kitty, looking at her being held by women in skimpy outfits ranks much higher on my acceptability scale than just having to look at Hello Kitty. Apparently my “acceptability scale” isn’t appreciated by my wife…

When my wife noticed that I wasn’t itching to change the subject or get way as quickly as possible, her Hello Kitty sense kicked in that something wasn’t quite right. Then she noticed that my eyes were fixated more on the models holding Hello Kitty than Hello Kitty herself. This is when I was informed in no uncertain terms that I am only allowed to “love and adore” my wife and Hello Kitty (not any other women).

I have no problem with the wife part, it’s the damn Hello Kitty part that keeps me in this Hello Kitty Hell…