Read moreWhat All Men with Hello Kitty Fanatics Fear Will happen to Their Home
Hello Kitty Men Project
So, my worst nightmares are coming true in far too many ways (more on that in the coming days). The fact that the people at Sanrio have come to the conclusion it’s time to release a dedicated Hello Kitty brand for men certainly isn’t making these nightmares any less frightening. Apparently, they believe there’s a body of men who still don’t have a “preconceived idea” of the evil feline that associates it with little girls. They also think an image with a male model with a huge cartoon bow across his face to advertise the new brand is somehow going to appeal to someone with even a bit of sanity (granted, they are working with a customer base who will buy absolutely anything, so they really aren’t used to have to actually think about what they are creating…)
I have no doubt they are simply trying to push all those poor souls who have managed to survive the hell of a friend or family member being a Hello Kitty fanatic over the edge when that fanatic decides the men in her life need to wear Hello Kitty with her. It’s a win-win for Sanrio. The fanatic buys more crap while those fighting the resistance are eliminated as they realize even the most horrific death is a lot less painful than having to wear a clothes line from the cat with no mouth.
The only good news here is that the actual new brand for men won’t be available until next year so we don’t have to immediately suffer the consequences. The bad news is that we now have confirmation things will continue to get worse…
Hello Kitty Eminem Rap God Cat God Video
How do you know that the world is about to end? When the cat-with-no-mouth suddenly finds that she has one upon deciding that it’s a good idea to take Eminem’s song Rap God and do her Cat God interpretation. No, I’m not making any of that up — and you would be wise to trust me on that and just walk away from your computer screen because if you choose to watch the video, it can never be unseen. There has never been any doubt that the evil feline she’s herself as a God (or Jesus), and this video only proves it.
If this is the way that 2013 is ending, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to survive what 2014 is sure to have in store for me…
The Hello Kitty McDonald's McArch
Well, let’s certainly hope that this isn’t a trend that catches on and spreads to other countries. Apparently the evil feline decided to sleep with Ronald McDonald and the result was the ugliest thing you can imagine. Yes, it appears that their night of romance (apparently Kitty chan forgot to tell Ronald to use her branded condoms — or more likely, she did and they simply failed to work) produced the Hello Kitty McArch:
I see that this link as further proof that the end is near, and when it comes, it’s not going to be pretty…
Sent in by McD lover
Hello Kitty Butt Plugs Should Make You Cringe
When you live in the type of hell that I do, it’s a major risk opening up email each morning. While I never escape completely unscathed from the torment that the evil feline throws my way, there are definitely some days that are much worse than others. Today was one of those days. That’s because you absolutely know that things have gone terribly wrong in the world when you open up an email to see Hello Kitty butt plugs (clear and pink) staring back at you…
Now, I think that we can all agree that there’s more than a bit of irony in the fact that the cat-with-no-mouth would feel it necessary to produce butt plugs. It also should be noted that while she doesn’t seem to have one of her own (although there are those that dispute that), shoved up someone’s ass is exactly where the vast majority of people in the world believe that she belongs. The fact that fanatics will gladly do this honor to themselves (while paying $80 to have the privilege) once again proves the people at Sanrio know exactly how to treat their customers…
Sent in by Hello Booty
Hello Kitty Sea Cruise
As if having airplanes covered with the cat-with-no-mouth wasn’t bad enough, the shipping industry feels that they should also get into the act of torturing most of society. A company called Star Cruises has launched a Hello Kitty themed cruise on two of its ships (the SuperStar Virgo and SuperStar Libra) that will run through December 29, 2013. The excruciating painful trip will include having to spend time on the ship with Dear Daniel, My Melody and Bad Batz Maru along with the evil feline, as well as a musical show, breakfast meetings, teatime parties and story telling time. No doubt people will be vomiting long before anyone gets sea sick, and probably before the ship even leaves port…
While it’s bad enough having to live with Kitty chan existing in this world, imagine the horrifying terror that would be experienced being stuck on a ship with her and her fanatic friends for an entire week? My guess is that there would be a lot of significant others jumping overboard knowing that being eaten alive by sharks would be far less painful than having to survive the entire cruise. One more thing to fear if you ever find yourself in Hello Kitty Hell…
Hello Kitty Car Engine
There are many ways to ruin a car. For fanatics of the one-with-no-mouth, this is an everyday occurrence that they seem able to accomplish without even giving it a second thought. For the true fanatic, however, simply ruining a car is far too mundane. They want to take it to a level that not only makes everyone ask “wtf? Why would anyone do that?” but also makes them cringe that something like it exists in the world.
If we are truly being honest with ourselves, I guess we should have seen this coming. With all the different cars sporting the evil feline’s face these days, and the fact that she also has her own line of engine oil, is it really a surprise that there now exists a Hello Kitty engine?
We can only hope that this either blows up (as distinct possibility if they are putting the HK engine oil into it) or that someone takes pity on the world and places this vehicle into a car compactor. Until then, we have one more example of the Hello Kitty Hellish world we live in…
Sent in by Suzanne
Hello Kitty Breast Pump
One of the most disturbing aspects of the evil feline is her insistence of being a part of every bodily function a person has. She wants to be there when you defecate in the form of what you use, what you wipe yourself with (in a a variety of patterns including KISS) and where your waste eventually ends up. Then she insists on being around when it’s that time of the month and when things need to be refreshed down there (and that doesn’t even address those that feel it necessary to decorate –NSFW). Of course, she also wants to be around when any type of sexual activity is taking place (flavored versions as well if that’s what you’re into).
So I guess it really shouldn’t be a surprise that she wants to be there helping you pump your breast milk when that time arrives as well. Yes, that’s right. The people at Sanrio have decided that what the world really needs is both an electric breast pump and a hand breast pump featuring the cat-with-no-mouth.
As I say time and again, it can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by Norma
Hello Kitty Caterpillar
One of the disturbing tendencies of fanatics of the evil feline is that they they go around trying to see her in other things. When Jesus was found on toast, the fanatical throngs immediately felt that the one-with-no-mouth deserved to be treated with just as much adoration. Sanrio, believing their own hype (plus seeing an opportunity to make a buck), decided the only way to rectify the situation was to make a toaster so that fanatics could create Hello Kitty toast on a daily basis.
Just like Jesus on toast, fanatics are now claiming that there is a caterpillar that has been created in the image of the most despised Sanrio character of all time, and they are now referring to it as the Hello Kitty caterpillar:
I feel sorry for these caterpillars. If they thought that trying to survive in the wild from being ripped apart and swallowed alive to die in the stomach acid of such predators as birds was horrifying, they have no idea the pain they are likely to endure if they are ever captured by a fanatic. In fact, they will likely wish they had first been discovered by a bird once they find themselves in such a situation. Things will only get worse when the fanatics begin trying to staple bows on them in an attempt to make them look even more like the mouthless cat. It really is a cruel fate of nature when, just because some delusional fanatics think that you resemble a cartoon feline, you are thrust into the fiery pit of Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by Marth via The Featured Creature)
Hello Kitty Breaking Bad Cell Phone for Sale
You know that all is not right in the world when the evil feline shows up on the TV series Breaking Bad. Obviously the placement had something to do with her insecurity of anything being more popular that herself, and weaseling her way in to be a part of it. The people at Sanrio probably also felt that one of the few untapped markets that they have failed to exploit up to this point for their goods is among drug dealers and their lawyers. The result is the appearance of a Hello Kitty cell phone in the TV series:
Even worse, the phone is now being auctioned off.
This is just one more sign that things can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…