May 2007 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Saved

May 31, 2007 by onezero

It seems that the Hello Kitty fans came out in force to keep me from smashing Hello Kitty voting 829 to 643 to save her. This show of unity for the one without a mouth has deeply moved me and made me re-evaluate my thoughts regarding Hello Kitty. I have been converted. I now see clearly the need to protect Hello Kitty from evil people as myself that want to smash her. Since I promised to give her away, I want to make sure she goes to a home where she will have the needed protection from people such as me that would want to do her harm.

For example, if you had a tank, that would be a great place for me to send Hello Kitty because nobody is going to mess with someone that has a tank. And even if the unthinkable happened — such as you placed Hello Kitty on the ground in front of the tank to make sure she remained well protected and your friend started up the tank without your knowledge and accidentally ran over Hello Kitty while you were filming and taking photos, nobody could really blame you because you had Hello Kitty’s best interest in mind and accidents do happen.

Or if your home just happened to have a flame thrower, I would feel quite safe sending Hello Kitty to you for protection because who would mess with someone with a flame thrower? Now if it happened that while testing the flame thrower to make sure it was in good working order to use for the protection of Hello Kitty, Hello Kitty somehow got in front of the flame which happened to be caught on camera or video, we’d all know that you had her best interest in mind and terrible accidents do happen.

I would also be willing to send you Hello Kitty if you have one of those “will it blend?” blenders and placed Hello Kitty inside it for protection because who would stick their hand into one of those things? Now if someone accidentally hit the blend button while you had a video camera in your hand, we’d all feel terrible, but know that you had only the best intentions of protecting Hello Kitty in mind.

I have decided to send the Hello Kitty figure to the person that has the best protection plan for her. Just for your information, I believe explosives of any type have a high protection level. So if you think that you can provide a protective environment and have a video camera and/or digital camera on the slim chance that something awful goes wrong, leave a comment with all the things that you plan to “protect” Hello Kitty with. I will grant custody of Hello Kitty to whomever I feel can defend her best because we certainly must have massive protective forces in place so that someone like me can’t smash her on purpose.

Thank you, Hello Kitty fans, for teaching me this important lesson…

Hello Kitty Lego

May 31, 2007 by onezero

It was a night on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag last night because I let a minor thought slip out of my mouth. I should know by now, but sometimes it just happens. My wife received an email with Hello Kitty made of Lego’s:

wife: “Isn’t she cute?!”

me: (under my breath) “very appropriate, she’s got no brain.”

wife: “I heard that!”

me: (realising what I had just done) “No, no, you heard me wrong…I said ‘she has no rain’ as she is always happy and smiling and full of sunshine” but it was too late

wife: simply points at closet and sends me to get the Hello Kitty sleeping bag

Typical Hello Kitty Hell moment…

Photos from Brickshelf.com

Hello Kitty Piano – Roll Up Style

May 27, 2007 by onezero

You know that Hello Kitty Hell is getting bad when my wife wants something Hello Kitty and I think, “Well, at least it’s not as bad as it could be.” That was my thought when she announced that she wanted the Hello Kitty roll-up piano:

While any normal person would take one look at that and simply say, “Why the hell would anyone need that?” living in Hello Kitty Hell warps your perceptions. My initial reaction was, “At least it’s not a full sized Hello Kitty piano monstrosity.” (Yes, I know — very, very sad)

As with all of the Hello Kitty musical instruments my wife has to have for her collection, she has no desire to ever play it (at least I hope so – Hello Kitty themed songs on a piano would be pretty damn hellish). This is what Hello Kitty Hell has done to me – I am actually hoping that my wife buys Hello Kitty stuff that she will never use and can be stored away so that they don’t have to be seen — pretty pathetic…

Hello Kitty Floor Buffer

May 25, 2007 by onezero

My wife has decided that we need a floor buffer…not any floor buffer, mind you, but a Hello Kitty floor buffer:

Now, I could go into a rant about how we don’t have any hard wood floors that need to be buffed in our house, but that is probably obvious to those of you that have been reading this blog (and if you haven’t, just read a few posts and you’ll get the idea). I could also go on a rant about Hello Kitty fanatics colluding together to spike the poll votes to save the ceramic Hello Kitty, but everyone should have probably figured that would be typical Hello Kitty fanatic behavior. So instead, I’ll rant at those of you who read this blog and then send me emails like this:

For my 26th birthday, my boyfriend threw me a hello kitty themed rave. It was huge, every hello kitty maniac that was of age (actually there were 18 yr old kids trying to get in too) partied for 10 or so hours. My name’s kelly so we dubbed the party “hello kelly” they fliers were so cute, I wish I had a scan of it on my computer to show your wife. Anyway it was the crop circle on the front and then on the back was a few of the popular characters at a disco. Anyway, this year we’re having another Hello Kelly: Kitty vs. the Zombies I want to invite your wife ^_^* It’s in New Orleans on September 28th or 29th 😉

Why on earth would I ever let my wife know that there was a Hello Kitty rave going to take place?!? Do I really need to encourage her to be more into Hello Kitty than she already is? I have been through some pretty miserable times in Hello Kitty Hell, and just the thought of a Hello Kitty rave ranks right up near the top of things I really never want to experience in my life. If you have any doubt about whether you’re a Hello Kitty fanatic or not, here is a simple test.

If you think a Hello Kitty rave party would be fun to attend, you have already gone off the deep end and there is no hope for you. You can tell your significant others to start documenting their hell and sending it to me because they have a life of Hello Kitty misery ahead of them. If you heard the words “Hello Kitty rave” and immediately thought “WTF?” then rest assured that you are still part of the human race that isn’t insane…

Hello Kitty Microscope

May 22, 2007 by onezero

If anyone believed that Hello Kitty was after anything less than world domination, then this should help put things to rest. Not only has Hello Kitty started her own religion, she wants to dominate science as well. I mean, really, who in the world needs a Hello Kitty microscope?!?

Of course, my wife, who has absolutely no interest in any type of science, wants one for her collection. “It goes to show how smart Hello Kitty is as well as being cute.” I’m surprised that it doesn’t come with slides that have microscopic Hello Kitty faces for owners to identify (although I would not put it past Sanrio to be considering adding something like that in the future).

It is now impossible to escape Hello Kitty in both the spiritual and in hard science – yes, that pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty USB Fish Tank Aquarium

May 21, 2007 by onezero

My wife’s computer add-ons keep getting worse. Now that it is getting warmer outside and she no longer needs the Hello Kitty foot warmers and Hello Kitty heated lap pad, she had to find something else for her computer usb ports. Thus, the Hello Kitty usb powered fish tank arrived at our house today:

I know, I know, cats hate water so why would anyone ever imagine Hello Kitty would enjoy swimming around in a fish tank? Just another one of those Hello Kitty Hell questions it’s simply better not to ask…

Nails

May 18, 2007 by onezero

I don’t get it (what a big surprise there) – why do women think it’s cute to have Hello Kitty on the ends of their fingers? Some more nails that my wife “just has to have”

I have nightmares about things like this…you know those ghost stories where a single hand comes after you? It becomes exponentially more scary when there are Hello Kitty press on finger nails on the end of the hand coming after you (bet you don’t want to even imagine something that horrifying, but that is my everyday Hello Kitty Hell…)

Sent in by Dominique from a BBC news website about a Tokyo beauty show – who should definitely be forced to wear those hideous things for the rest of the year…

Update: Doesn’t matter the pattern, Hello Kitty nails don’t ever get any better (via Cookiee46)

and more…

left by Jalie via facebook

Sent in by effie

Left by Ana via facebook

Sent in by far, far to many people including Anchalee on facebook

Left by @chinchowdoll on Twitter

Left by @PinkVelvetDream on Twitter

Left by Tracy via facebook

Left by Lydia via facebook

Sent in by Cat

Sent in by margot

Left on facebook by Mona

Left by @PinkVelvetDream on Twitter

Left by Tammie on facebook

Sent in by Jennifer

Sent in by Jennifer

Sent in by Mary via seek

Sent in by mary (via theinvisiblewombat)

Sent in by Martha

Sent in by Sanlv

Hello Kitty Vibrator Tattoo Gun

May 13, 2007 by onezero

If you just get out of prison and your buddies give you a Hello Kitty vibrator as a welcome back gift, what do you do with it? You modify it into a prison style tattoo gun of course:

photo copyright M. Pilmer MutatoVisual.com, used with permission.

I think I have figured out a way to keep my wife from getting that Hello Kitty tattoo that she wants. I’ll simply show her this tattoo gun and explain that any “real” Hello Kitty fan would only get a Hello Kitty tattoo with a Hello Kitty tattoo gun. Definitely worth a try…

Courtesy of Marichigo in the comments – It is my humble opinion that anyone that wants a Hello Kitty tattoo should get one with a tattoo gun like this.

Hello Kitty: Save Or Smash

May 10, 2007 by onezero

My wife announced last night that there are only Hello Kitty fans that visit this blog and my attempt to find others who are in Hello Kitty Hell or sympathise with me has been a failure. “Everyone loves Hello Kitty and it will never change!”

I tried to explain that while it may appear that the readers here like Hello Kitty, it’s only a small minority of fanatics that believe that. In reality, even those who say they like Hello Kitty really don’t. Of course, this sent me to the couch for the night in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag, but it also produced the “Hello Kitty: Save or Smash” contest.

My wife believes that for some unfathomable reason, I haven’t seen the Hello Kitty light and I am the only person that doesn’t believe that everything Hello Kitty is the “cutest thing ever” (“You must have been born with deformed genes” is her current theory). I, on the other hand, know that all the Hello Kitty fans that visit this site really have a deep dark desire to see Hello Kitty smashed into smithereens. So we will let you vote and decide.

I have secretly kidnapped a Hello Kitty porcelain figure and all of you will decide whether it gets smashed to bits or saved. To the right in the sidebar is a poll and the choice to save or smash Hello Kitty. The voting will last until the end of this month. If more people vote to save Hello Kitty, I will lose all faith in humanity and extinguish all hope that Hello Kitty Hell may someday end, but will still refrain from smashing her and I’ll give the figure away as a prize. If the vote is to smash, I will believe that there is still hope in Hello Kitty Hell and gleefully take a hammer to the Hello Kitty figure. The choice is yours…

Oh, wow! Imagine that. The first vote in the poll is to smash…

Hello Kitty Vibrator

May 8, 2007 by onezero

I have been trying to avoid writing about this little piece of Hello Kitty Hell for awhile now, but people keep on sending me photos and links to it so I guess I should address it. Yes, my wife does have a Hello Kitty shoulder massager – commonly known as a Hello Kitty vibrator. It happened to be one of the first big hits when she began selling Hello Kitty stuff and didn’t realize what it was actually being used for.

To tell you the truth, the Hello Kitty vibrator gives me the creeps. While some men might fantasize about it, they are definitely not men living in Hello Kitty Hell. Maybe it’s just me having to see Hello Kitty everywhere every second of the day, but the last place I want to see the face of Hello Kitty at the end of the day is where she would be if the vibrator was in use. There is something just very very wrong with that image no matter how pleasing it may be to the woman…

UPDATE: Sanrio has reissued the Hello Kitty vibrator – now in four colors!