September 2006 – Hello Kitty Hell

Never Ask A Hello Kitty Lover To Shop For You

September 29, 2006 by onezero

I learned long ago that you should never ask someone that loves Hello Kitty to shop for you. While it would be obvious to the average person that getting Hello Kitty merchandise for a guy is not appropriate, Hello Kitty fanatics have a short circuit in their brain that negates this common sense. I’ve received more than my fair share of gifts that had been tagged with Hello Kitty on them and therefore do almost 100% of my own shopping these days.

The problem comes when a birthday or other gift giving event approaches. Since I can’t choose my own gift, I have learned to ask for things that can’t be found with Hello Kitty on them. It was with this in mind that I asked my wife for a USB flash memory disk for my computer for my birthday.

Now any normal person would assume a request for something like this would be Hello Kitty safe. Never underestimate the ever expanding presence of Hello Kitty to increase my hell. This is what I received:

Yes, your eyes aren’t deceiving you. That is, in fact, a Hello Kitty USB Flash memory stick. Not only that, it is a limited edition Hello Kitty Flash memory stick that apparently is in great demand. I had to listen to my wife tell me how difficult it was for her to obtain it and smile in appreciation the entire time.

Apparently there were only 5000 thousand of these made exclusively in Japan and they came in a special box:

The box includes a 2006 Hello Kitty diary, a small Hello Kitty pouch and three Hello Kitty ink stamps (oh, yes, just what I need…):

Hello Kitty USB Flash Memory Stick Box Bonus

What these have to do with a computer memory stick is beyond me, but obviously those that make Hello Kitty items know that Hello Kitty fanatics will buy anything that has Hello Kitty on it whether they need it or not, so why not throw random things together? So my computer, which I have so diligently protected from Hello Kitty Hell, now has a Hello Kitty memory stick invading its USB port and likely will for the foreseeable future. It’s either that or spend another week on the couch in a Hello Kitty sleeping bag for not appreciating all the effort she went through to get me the gift…

How Hello Kitty Is Ruining My Love Life

September 25, 2006 by onezero

When Hello Kitty Hell exists, it does invade all aspects of your life. It’s amazing what a detrimental effect Hello Kitty can have on a man’s love life as the following example will illustrate…

My wife and I were in a romantic mood the other night. We start to get a bit frisky and my wife takes off her shirt to reveal the Hello Kitty bra:

wife: Isn’t this the cutest thing?

Now, after years of marriage, I know the right answer to this question. The correct answer is “Yes, honey, it’s very cute and it makes you look more beautiful” (all single guys, write that down in your notebook). Of course, the Hello Kitty cheerleader on one side and the monogrammed Hello Kitty initials on the other make it impossible for me to say the correct answer…

me: uh, what’s that? (shocked that Hello Kitty has invaded yet another part of my hell)

wife: It’s my new bra (wife folds arms waiting impatiently for correct answer)

me: oh…(split second hesitation and instant recognition on what is about to unfold)

wife: (raises an eyebrow). Is it me or the bra? (shirt goes back on)

me: no, no , no…yes, it is the cutest thing (lying in desperate hope to save the moment already knowing it is futile)

wife (raises eyebrow higher) So it’s me, then? (goes to closet to get Hello Kitty sleeping bag for me to sleep on couch)

me: no, no , no…You’re as beautiful as ever. Much cuter than the bra (realizing instantly that the Hello Kitty trap had locked and the key had been thrown away)

wife: (both eyebrows raised) so you don’t think the bra is cute! (Hello Kitty sleeping bag is thrown on couch, bedroom door slammed and locked)

I wonder how many more nights I’ll be sleeping out here on the couch…

Hello Kitty Travel

September 23, 2006 by onezero

Hello Kitty Airplane One aspect of living in a Hello Kitty Hell is that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t think like normal people. Their minds get so obsessed with Hello Kitty that the main object of anything suggested gets turned around from what has been suggested to Hello Kitty.

I treasure the trips that I take. When we travel, it means I get some reprieve from Hello Kitty – at least that was the case several years ago. It’s now getting more and more difficult as this recent conversation can attest:

me: I’d like to plan an overseas trip. Where would you like to go?

wife: Oh, I don’t care. Any place is fine.

me: I was thinking about South America. Maybe Argentina.

wife: No, not there.

me: How about someplace in Africa. I’d really like to see the wildlife there.

wife: No, not there.

me: How about Russia? I’ve always thought that would be a great place to visit.

wife: No, not there.

me: I thought you said that any place was fine. That you didn’t care.

wife: I don’t as long as we can travel on this plane (takes me to her computer to show me the below photo) and it doesn’t go to those places.

me: That is a Taiwanese plane. We can only go to Taiwan. wife: Great, I’m glad we can agree where we want to go…

So our next overseas trip has been delegated to EVA air and wherever their Hello Kitty airplane goes. Of course, once she got it into her mind that this was acceptable, she had to show me photos of what the trip was going to be like. The stewardesses will all be wearing Hello Kitty uniforms:

But it doesn’t stop there. The interior of the plane is decorated Hello Kitty and even cups, trays and snacks:

Worst of all? Even the food is Hello Kitty.

Now why is it when terrorists blow up planes, they never have the decency to blow up the planes that would be a service to the world?

Hello Kitty Scooter

September 20, 2006 by onezero

It was bound to happen. My wife informed me that she thinks she needs a scooter to get around on the short errands around town. Of course, this sudden desire for a scooter just happened to coincide with a reader sending me this photo:

Now after seeing this, I bet you’ll be surprised that I actually look at the above scooter and think, “Well maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.” (as you can see, Hello Kitty Hell is beginning to warp my common sense) See, when you live in a Hello Kitty Hell, even things that a normal person would consider hideous start to look acceptable when I know what else is out there that my wife would surely want even more if she only knew it existed.

Take, for example this lovely clash of Louis Vuitton seat on a Hello Kitty scooter

Or even worse, look at this pink monstrosity

Knowing that those two scooters (and most likely others that are comparable) exist, maybe you can see why I might start imagining the top scooter is the least evil option. In Hello Kitty Hell, however, it’s not that easy. Once my wife realized that there were multiple Hello Kitty scooter styles out there, it was inevitable that she would want to begin a collection and that is certainly not a new Hello Kitty hobby I want to be encouraging.

The fear doesn’t stop there. If my wife gets a scooter, you know what it will mean don’t you? I’ll be the one that has to ride it most of the time (you can imagine how I am cringing as I write this knowing that she will also buy a Hello Kitty helmet to go with it). While she believes that she needs it to run errands, the truth is that I end up running the vast majority of them and inevitably there will be a time where I would have to ride the damn thing. It’s not even reality at this time and I’m already getting sick to my stomach…

Update: The evil feline is never satisfied to leave well enough alone:

Sent in by HKGuy

Hello Kitty Fanatic Hell

September 8, 2006 by onezero

Hello Kitty fan (play on words) Okay, I admit it. I’m keeping score and the initial score isn’t looking good. When I started Hello Kitty Hell, I thought a bit about how people might react to it. I figured it would give me a release to the Hello Kitty Hell I dwell within, provide a few laughs for those on the outside and possibly get me some sympathy for my plight. What I didn’t predict was that I would begin a fan base for my wife.

That’s right. This blog has produced 7 fan letters to my wife telling her how much they love her store and how they wish they were as lucky as she is to be able to live with so many Hello Kitties around. All I’ve received is a Hello Kitty devil icon and photos of Hello Kitty items that people want me to show to my wife just to clamp down the torture chamber devices that much more. This is what I found in my email box this morning:

I just totally adore Hello Kitty. She is the cutest. And she is such a great teacher! I especially love the ones that wink or are sleepy. I collect those and I’m so jealous of all the Hello Kitty plush you have. You are so lucky. I’d be in heaven with only a tenth of the things that you have.When I’m sad or feeling bad, I have a large Hello Kitty plush that comforts me. She knows my heart like nobody else does. She just listens and lets all my tears flow away. And when I’m happy, her face is always bright and happy…

Not to pigeon hole Hello Kitty fanatics as not having a full set upstairs, but you might want to rethink some things if you consider an animation character of a cat your “teacher.” I could also go on about how Hello Kitty “…just listens and lets my tears flow away” (hmmmm, could it possibly be because she’s not real so she can’t talk, or if you happen to believe she is real, she still doesn’t have a mouth?), but I will restrain myself (sort of;).

Of course, my wife sees these letters in a totally different light. She reads the same lines and says stuff to me like, “oh, how cute. She knows the heart of Hello Kitty” and “She can see the true Hello Kitty, unlike you.”

In addition to having more excuses to expound upon the virtues of Hello Kitty, my wife also finds extreme humor in all of this. She even went so far as to introduce me to one of her friends as ” my Hello Kitty fan promoter” the other day. Of all the courses that this writing venture would take, building a Hello Kitty fan base for my wife was definitely not one that came to mind…and so even when I try to ridicule Hello Kitty and her fans, the coals in the fires of Hello Kitty Hell get some extra fuel poured onto them to keep the place plenty hot…

My Biggest Fear

September 5, 2006 by onezero

Hello Kitty Diamond Watches When you live in a Hello Kitty Hell, your perspective on certain things can change dramatically. Take, for example, winning the lottery. Most people dream about how wonderful it would be to win the lottery and how they could buy and do all the things they wished they could if they only had more money. I, on the other hand, pray that my wife never wins the lottery.

My wife likes to play the lottery. Even though I have explained time and again that she is more likely to die from a flesh eating microbe or get killed in an auto accident on the way to purchasing the lottery ticket, she is not deterred. She is convinced that she will win one of these days because “Hello Kitty is looking over me for good luck.” While I like to protest that the reason she shouldn’t play the lottery is that it is a waste of money, the true reason is that my biggest fear is that she will somehow beat the extraordinary odds and actually win. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it.

The reason that I live in fear of her winning the lottery is because whenever she buys the lottery tickets, she also takes the time to explain to me in detail all the things she will do with the money. This, of course, almost exclusively entails Hello Kitty items that we can’t currently afford. It would mean that I would be forced to take trips to Hello Kitty Land (PuroLand) on a regular basis and watch her spend thousands on such stuff as Hello Kitty diamond watches (she doesn’t want just one, she wants the entire set including the $3,250.00 version)

Even worse, there would no longer be a reason for her to continue the Hello Kitty business meaning that Hello Kitty items would continue to come in, but none would be leaving (one of my biggest joys is seeing Hello Kitty sell and leave our house). If she had unlimited money to buy Hello Kitty, I would truly be scared to return home to see what new might be there.

So in the future you hear that someone has won the lottery and upon hearing the news, her husband immediately committed suicide, you know that my biggest fear has come true…

Hello Kitty Credit Card

September 4, 2006 by onezero

Hello Kitty credit card Being a personal finance blogger, when it comes to choosing a credit card I look at which ones will provide me with the greatest advantage. The amount of cash back, what rewards I can receive and what services the credit card provides at no cost – all of which will ultimately save me money – are the primary factors look for when choosing a credit card.

This is not how a Hello Kitty fanatic chooses a credit card:

wife: I have to have this credit card!

me: You already have a credit card that gives you cash back on every purchase.

wife: But it doesn’t have Hello Kitty on it.

me: What is more important? Getting money back on every purchase or Hello Kitty? (boy, was that a stupid question for me to ask…)

wife: Hello Kitty

So, my wife immediately applied for the Hello Kitty MBNA credit card. The worst part? In the past I was constantly asking her to pay for everything with our cash back credit card to earn the free money, but rarely did she use it preferring to pay in cash (the Hello Kitty card does earn points, but the rewards are far less than our other card). Now that she has the Hello Kitty credit card, every single purchase goes on it. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has started to buy things just to show everyone her Hello Kitty credit card.

While this certainly qualifies as Hello Kitty Hell, I have a much bigger worry. What if they come out with multiple patterns of the Hello Kitty credit card?

Update: Was there ever any doubt that Hello Kitty credit cards would end up coming out in a multitude of patterns?

Sent in my numerous readers