One mans hell with cute overload
I thought that my torture with Hello Kitty shoes was going to be limited to the Hello Kitty Converse High Tops and casual clothes, but of course I underestimated the lengths to which Hello Kitty would go to in order to increase my Hello Kitty Hell. Yesterday, I was informed that my wife had ordered Hello Kitty heels:
While the shoes themselves scare me to no end, the thought of when and what outfit she will actually wear these with is even more frightening to me…
Maybe it wasn’t obvious to me simply because I’m a man, but I had no idea what this Hello Kitty item was when I first saw it. Actually, something did come to mind and it scared the Hello Kitty Hell out of me, but fortunately I was way off base (kind of like the Hello Kitty condom that ended up being cheese) Yes, I realize now that it’s a far stretch to assume it was a sex toy, but I’m a guy and our minds are perpetually in the gutter and when viewed from a distance…
Now I assume the women will know what this is (my wife just shook her head when I had no idea — but at least I was smart enough not to say what I thought — that would have really caused a Hello Kitty Hell incident). So if there are any guys that read this blog, make me feel better that I’m not the only stupid person that had no clue what it is.
It’s when your wife starts coming home with things like this that you know that Hello Kitty has infiltrated absolutely every product that exists (except beer and pizza which I’m sure is just a matter of time): This is a Hello Kitty car window spray cover device:
Now not only do I have to look out the car window at Hello Kitty, I get to watch her spit a flowing stream of water at my face. Somehow that definitely seems appropriate for a Hello Kitty Hell product…
My wife has managed to already wage an effective assault campaign on my senses: visual with all the Hello Kitty in our house, taste with her continuing theory that an all Hello Kitty food diet would be “cute” and and smell with the new Hello Kitty perfume, so why stop there? So, of course, my wife is eyeing the Hello Kitty portable karaoke machine and CD player to assault my hearing as well:
Just imagine someone singing Hello Kitty karaoke songs all day and you’ll get a hint of what Hello Kitty Hell is like.
I have decided that for my own sanity I won’t even attempt to guess what “touch” may eventually turn out to be…
Great. Just the news I needed to hear. It appears that Sanrio has decided that Hello Kitty needed a perfume and they just released one called Momoberry:
Now not only will I have to see Hello Kitty all over the place, I will now have to smell (there is something very wrong with that) Hello Kitty everywhere from now on. Even though I tell myself time and again that Hello Kitty Hell can’t get any worse, it continues to do so…
Update: You thought there would only be one type of Hello Kitty perfume?
Hello Kitty Diamond Perfume
Hello Kitty Koto Perfume
Sent in by Vivian
Sometimes (OK, all the time if I must be honest) I simply have to shake my head when I see some of the stuff that arrives at our house. The latest is the Hello Kitty planetarium:
My biggest fear is that when we actually use it, Hello Kitty will somehow be part of the constellations. Makes me shiver just thinking about that, although it would be typical Hello Kitty Hellish…
I always knew that Hello Kitty was evil, I just didn’t have the proof…until now. It appears that Hello Kitty Bubble Bath would like to give you cancer:
The characters are irresistible to your child, but a new study reveals there’s a suspected human cancer-causing chemical inside millions of bottles of bubbles…
The FDA recommends a maximum of 10 parts per million (ppm) of the contaminant. The author says of the products tested, 15% exceeded that recommendation.
Among the children’s products, the Hello Kitty Bubble Bath was the worst offender. It was found to have 12ppm, 20 percent more than the FDA recommendation. The chemical was also found in some adult products.
That sure sounds a lot more like the Hello Kitty I know compared to the Hello Kitty the Hello Kitty fanatics portray. Now if I could only find a product where Hello Kitty would just kill herself…
Photo courtesy of Reid H Cooper [flickr]
There is something seriously wrong in the world when I have to write a blog post about Hello Kitty and diamond rings and feel the necessity to add where the diamond ring is coming from (Neiman Marcus) because it might be confused with other Hello Kitty diamond rings out there. That is just down right pathetic.
So this is the newest ring that my wife has her eyes on:
Of course, it costs over $4,000 (yep, not a typo there), but anyone who reads this blog knows, Hello Kitty fanatics don’t worry about little things like the ring could buy a car (and why stores make utterly ridiculous Hello Kitty items for way too much money – because Hello Kitty fanatics will have to have it).
Which brings yet another one of those Hello Kitty Hell dilemmas. Just the thought of spending $4,250 on a Hello Kitty ring makes me sick to my stomach, but it would mean $4,250 worth of other Hello Kitty junk that would never make it into our house, so it may be in my best interest to encourage her to save for it. It’s Hello Kitty Hell either way…
One of the biggest problems with living in Hello Kitty Hell is that if Hello Kitty happens to be on something, then that something can’t be thrown out. That means that whenever I open a drawer, something Hello Kitty usually emerges. It’s not enough that all our stamps are Hello Kitty stamps, but it seems that my wife has been collecting all the used Hello Kitty stamps that have been sent to her (and believe me, every letter and package she receives has Hello Kitty stamps on it since everyone knows what a fanatic she is).
My question is, what possible use can you have for several hundred used Hello Kitty stamps? It’s just a huge pile that will never be taken out of the drawer, but I can’t say this unless I want to risk ending up out on the sofa in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag (Hello Kitty fanatics don’t like to be questioned when it comes to collecting Hello Kitty). It has absolutely no use, yet it will never be thrown away because it is Hello Kitty. I’m not sure why I even bother trying to find out answers to such questions as it doesn’t matter if anything makes sense to a Hello Kitty fanatic…which typifies Hello Kitty Hell (lots of Hello Kitty making no sense…and me stuck among it all)
We went on our last day of skiing and snowboarding for the year. As you can imagine, it’s not difficult at all to spot my wife on the slopes with her Hello Kitty snowboard:
Update: At these these Hello Kitty snowboard designs reflect how most of us would like to see the evil feline:
Sent in by snowguy