Month: January 2007

Hello Kitty Tooth Cap

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There have been a number of readers who have sent me photos of the Hello Kitty tooth cap, and while it certainly is strange, this is one of the few Hello Kitty items that really doesn’t put fear into my heart. The reason being that I would never have to see it. I mean, really, how many times do you look into the depths of someone’s mouth to check out their dental work? If my wife decides that she needs to have a Hello Kitty crown placed on one of her molars, I don’t think it would add to my Hello Kitty Hell.

Hello Kitty Tooth

That being said, I do have a great fear with Hello Kitty and teeth and I’m not sure that I should even mention it as it would likely give someone the idea (because there is undoubtedly some Hello Kitty fanatic that would do it) to actually do it and then inspire my wife. I’m just waiting for some rap star to sport a Hello Kitty grill. I can see someone with Hello Kitty in diamonds implanted into their front teeth and as soon as that happens, I know I will be in big trouble…

Thanks (I think) to rgpalacio, dtstan, hklove, Mackenzie and probably a few others I missed (apologies)

Hello Kitty Apple TV

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Once you have been living in Hello Kitty Hell for an extended period of time, the “sick factor” comes into play. This is a simple rule that applies to all things Hello Kitty when one lives in a Hello Kitty Hell. The sick factor rule states that the more nauseating a Hello Kitty item is to you, the more the Hello Kitty fanatic will like it.

One of the few items that my wife does not currently have is a Hello Kitty TV and so it was with much fear that I opened up an email from ojuang that lead to a Hello Kitty TV set. It only took a quick peek to know that this was going to be on the high end of my sick factor scale which immediately meant my wife would love it.

Hello Kitty Apple TV set

Of course, the sick factor rule prevailed once again to hit my wife’s reaction with a bulls eye. Among all the fawning over the Apple TV, there was even the mention of “one in every room” which immediately stopped my heart. My hope is that locating one of these will be difficult and the damage will stop at one — yes, even with all the contradictory evidence piled upon me each day in Hello Kitty Hell, I do still hope for the impossible…

Thanks (I think) to ojuang via akihabaranews

Hello Kitty Steering Wheel Cover

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It should go without saying at this point that Hello Kitty Hell produces dichotomy in my daily life. While the Hello Kitty food would lead one to believe I would gain a great amount of weight, the car that is getting the Hello Kitty make over produces the opposite effect and keeps my weight in check. How does a car keep my weight in check?

wife: “I want you to come to the home improvement store today to help me carry the things I need back.”

me: “OK. I’ll walk and meet you there” (secretly thinking: Am I going to have to ride in the Hello Kitty mobile?)

wife: “The home improvement shop is 7 miles away. That’s too far to walk”

me: “No problem, I’ll run…”

These are the types of conversations I have when the thought of getting into the ever increasingly Hello Kitty decked out car comes to mind. I find that to avoid getting into the car, I’m walking/running all over town (maybe there is a Hello Kitty Hell diet book somewhere in there…) The latest addition to the car came in the form of a steering wheel cover:

Hello Kitty steering wheel cover

Hello Kitty steering wheel cover pink

Now, you know that Hello Kitty Hell has set in when you actually are thankful that the Hello Kitty steering wheel cover is merely pink and not covered in feathers all around the the Hello Kitty computer. I actually almost heard myself saying, “oh, that’s not too bad” before I came to my senses and realised it was a freaking Hello Kitty steering wheel cover. I mean, who in their right mind would ever want to have a Hello Kitty steering wheel cover?

Update: ktdelight was nice enough to let me know I will likely endure more Hello Kitty steering wheel cover hell as there is also a silver version available:

Hello Kitty steering wheel cover silver

Hello Kitty USB Feet Warmer

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Ever since my wife saw the pimped out Hello Kitty computer mod, she has decided that she needs to make her laptop more Hello Kitty like. Fortunately, she is too afraid to try and pimp out her computer in the same way as the one featured previously. While that is a small consolation prize in Hello Kitty Hell, it is mitigated by the fact that to compensate for not completely decking out the computer, she is purchasing every Hello Kitty add-on computer gadget that she can find. The latest of these being the Hello Kitty usb feet warmer.

Hello Kitty USB Feet Warmer

Now this would be bad enough if I had to look at them daily on her feet, but she also decided I needed my own Hello Kitty usb feet warmer and presented it in a way that I couldn’t really argue. Because our house doesn’t have central heating (which is common in Japan) and because energy prices are so high, getting a feet warmer would save a lot in energy costs as it is the feet that really get cold in winter.

So my choice this winter is to place my feet into those sickly, fuzzy pink foot warmers or let them slowly turn into blocks of ice. Since I still do value the use of my legs, the fuzzy, pink foot warmers usually win out. As I look at my Hello Kitty feet at this moment as I type (this epitomizes Hello Kitty Hell), I realise that there is something very wrong in making a man wear pink slippers of any kind. Isn’t there a law against this, or something? Maybe losing my feet to frostbite isn’t such a bad option after all…

Hello Kitty An Pan

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While I’m sure that my wife appreciates the emails I receive with all the Hello Kitty stuff you think we should know about (believe me, it is only on rare occasion that something comes that we haven’t seen before), she really doesn’t need any more encouragement. This is especially true in areas where I’m trying to distract her from Hello Kitty.

I already realize that there is more than enough Hello Kitty food that exists that we could likely live on only Hello Kitty food. Just because something can be done doesn’t mean that it is a good thing to do. The goal here is to help relieve my Hello Kitty Hell, not watch it swirl deeper and deeper into an inescapable abyss. When readers like happykitty send me photos of Hello Kitty An Pan (“an” is a sickly sweet black bean paste often used in Japanese deserts, and while it seems apply appropriate as something that should fill the inside of a Hello Kitty item like bread (“pan”), it’s not something that any human should eat when wrapped around a Hello Kitty face) that my wife may really try to serve only Hello Kitty food.

Hello Kitty an pan

While I imagine that many of you enjoy my torture (hey, after reading this, could your life really be all that bad?), you must weigh that torture with the knowledge that if I die from sugar poisoning (the only outcome for anyone that lives on a Hello Kitty food diet) is that this blog will cease to be updated.

Why don’t they make Hello Kitty food that would actually be worthwhile eating and drinking like Hello Kitty pizza and Hello Kitty beer?

Hello Kitty Condom ???

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Walking into the room after taking a short walk down to the grocery store, I went into my room to turn on the computer and saw a — “ummmm is that what I think it is?” — sitting right next to my computer. I stopped dead in my tracks at the door eyeing the small, square package from a distance. After my last post about babies and my ending comment about birth control, my immediate thought was that my wife had read the entry and had therefore left the little package next to my computer for me.

Now, of course, this brought about a huge mixture of feelings. First, it meant that I wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight which is always a good thing. But the more I thought about it, could one really have a romantic night while knowing where Hello Kitty was the whole time? I mean, there is something just really, really wrong with that image…

I know that they have made Badtz Maru condoms in the past and I have heard rumors that there are Hello Kitty condoms although I had never seen any in person (I’ve seen photos on other websites, but they all look to be photoshopped to me). Was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing?

Hello Kitty condom ???

On closer inspection, however, it turned out to be something completely different. What it actually turned out to be is Hello Kitty cheese. Now why they place the Hello Kitty cheese in packages that makes it look like a condom is anyone’s guess, but as you probably already know, I stopped trying to figure out anything Hello Kitty long ago.

Hello Kitty cheese

What’s more worrying is that my wife decided to bring me Hello Kitty food which I assume means she still has the “all Hello Kitty food” idea in her head. That, my friends, can mean nothing other than pure Hello Kitty Hell down the road…

Hello Kitty Baby Car Seat

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While I do complain a lot about being in Hello Kitty Hell, I know that it will become 1000 times worse if we ever have a baby girl. If we have a baby boy, I’m afraid that he will be scarred for life even before he knows how to talk. But even though we don’t have kids at the moment, that doesn’t stop my wife from showing me all the baby things she wants to have when we do.

When I look at some of the things that they make Hello Kitty style for babies, I think that it is probably a good thing that I spend half the time on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag alone. I view each of these items with both a sense of relief (that we don’t have it) and dread (there is a good chance that one day we will have it).

Today’s email attachment was for this Hello Kitty baby car seat:

Hello Kitty baby car seat

You know you’re in Hello Kitty Hell when your only hope is if they come out with Hello Kitty birth control…

Hello Kitty Bathroom

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Many of the readers have been questioning whether I am making all of this up and have asked to see photos of our house. I would, but wouldn’t want to give you a heart attack. Therefore I will give you a glimpse of the hello Kitty Hell I live in by showing you a few photos of our bathroom.

Keep in mind that we live in Japan and the toilet is the only thing in this small room. Usually the walls would be wallpapered and that is it – very basic. Instead, because all of the other rooms are overflowing, we had to make shelves along one side of the bathroom and in the back above the toilet. These are all filled with Hello Kitty:

Hello Kitty bathroom
behind and above the toilet

Hello Kitty bathroom
along the side wall

As you can see, there are multiples of everything and so many that many of them can’t even be displayed facing forward. This, my friends, is how all the rooms look if not piled with more Hello Kitty stuff.

I’m very tempted to just start taking pieces away one at a time, but if it is one thing I’ve learned about Hello Kitty fanatics, even if they have nine of an identical Hello Kitty items stored in a far corner of a room in a box on the bottom that hasn’t seen the light of day for 3 years, when they open it and see there are only 8 of the Hello Kitty, you receive the Hello Kitty Death Stare (which means a minimum of a week on the couch with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag).

I may show more as time progresses, but this should give you a start in imagining how bad things are and that I’m not exaggerating…

Hello Kitty Gun

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Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

To everyone that visits Hello Kitty Hell on a regular basis, it’s time to take a seat and sit firmly down. I don’t want you falling over in shock like I did. Hello Kitty Hell isn’t quite freezing over, but there is a definite chill in the air. Yes, believe it or not, there was a Hello Kitty item that my wife saw that she was only lukewarm about and even uttered the words – okay, time to hold on tight because the earth may crack open and swallow us all to our deaths – “I don’t think I need that (Hello Kitty item)” Yes, I have been pinching myself all day wondering if it was all a wonderful dream that couldn’t possible be true and have bruises all over my arms to prove it.

The Hello Kitty item in question is a Hello Kitty gun which sent to me by readers Mackenzie and Dolores. I am assuming that both are photo shopped and aren’t real, but since my wife isn’t interested in them, this is one Hello Kitty item I really wish they did make.

Hello Kitty gun

Hello Kitty gun

wife: “Hello Kitty doesn’t kill things.”

me: “You could use it for target practice.”

wife: “What would I shoot for targets?”

me: (smile on my face) “hmmm, I don’t know. I’m sure we could find something around the house.”

wife: (no smile on face) “I hope you aren’t suggesting what I think you are.”

It was at this point that I was glad that she didn’t have the Hello Kitty gun as it would have probably been used on me…

But besides that little incident, there have been nothing but sunny skies in Hello Kitty Hell with the historic even of her not wanting something Hello Kitty. I will have to savor this as I predict it is a once in a lifetime event and tomorrow will return to the Hello Kitty Hell I have known for so long.

Hello Kitty Cereal (fruit flavored snacks)

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What’s worse than my wife seeing Hello Kitty products that she decides she must have? When those products inspired her to think beyond the Hello Kitty product itself. This, my friends, is where the real Hello Kitty Hell begins.

Reader skyler decided to add to my Hello Kitty Hell by pointing out that in addition to Hello Kitty Pop Tarts, Kellogg’s also makes Hello Kitty Fruit Flavor Snacks (is this Hello Kitty cereal or just snack packages – not that it really matters as I’m sure it’s completely disgusting either way)

Hello Kitty fruit flavor snacks

While any additional type of food that may make it into our house is certainly Hello Kitty Hell noteworthy, Hello Kitty Hell took on a new dimension when my wife began to think about all Hello Kitty food combined together:

wife: “You know, I just had a good idea”

me: “really?” (secretly praying: “please don’t let this be Hello Kitty related”)

wife: “I bet that we could live on only Hello Kitty food!”

me: (eyes popping out of head in shear terror) “Um, you remember that screen on the balcony that you have been wanting me to fix for the last 6 months, I think I will do that right now” (it’s amazing how fast the brain can work when survival is at stake)

wife: Look of shock that something that she had be hounding on me for months to do would all of a sudden be offered to be done

me: out of the room as quickly as possible and working on fixing the screen

Of course, this doesn’t mean the end of it and it could end up being even worse. The hope is that she will forget the thought of living off of Hello Kitty food (I don’t often wish for much, but I am praying that this happens), but it’s bound to come up again in the future. then it is only a matter of time before she makes the connection that I will do virtually anything that needs to be done around the house to avoid eating Hello Kitty food on a regular basis. While I may have stalled the doom for the moment, it’s still lurking right around the corner…