Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick

Since it is the holiday season, Hello Kitty would never be satisfied with reintroducing a new Hello Kitty laptop look and adding a Hello Kitty mouse. She would demand more and of course, NEC would produce it in the form of a Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick:

Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick

Hello Kitty mouse memory stick

And because it is Hello Kitty, that 1GB of memory costs $135 (15,750 yen). With the computer likely coming to me as a present, and the mouse as a stocking stuffer, is there really any doubt that this will be hanging on the tree as a very expensive ornament? You know you’re living in Hello Kitty Hell when Halloween isn’t even over and you are already having heart palpitations when thinking about what Christmas is going to be like…

Hello Kitty Swarovski Computer Mouse

Of course, NEC couldn’t simply stop with a new computer look. They had to create more bling to make Hello Kitty fanatics drool with dreamy lust as their significant others looked on in gut-wrenching pain. Thus the introduction of the Hello Kitty Swarovski crystal bead heart shaped mouse:

Hello Kitty mouse

Hello Kitty mouse memory stick

Of course, this Hello Kitty fanatic lust has a price: $110 (12,600 yen) for a computer mouse. Should I be expecting this as a stocking stuffer to go along with the computer? Those are the thoughts that run through the mind when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty NEC Laptop Computer

Not only is one Hello Kitty laptop not enough for the evil feline, one Hello Kitty NEC Hello Kitty laptop with Swarovski crystal beads is not enough. Thus NEC has released a new version of their Lavie G model covered once again is crystallized bling:

Hello Kitty Lavie computer

Hello Kitty laptop computer


Since my wife already has the previous model, why would she need this one? (Yes, I know a very stupid question since we have already determined that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t need any reason when it comes to Hello Kitty). At $1,825 (210,000 yen), it’s a bit expensive as just a display item, but that would never stop a Hello Kitty fanatic. She has the perfect solution to the price issue. She thinks that it is time for me to get a new laptop, and she thinks this would be the perfect model (despite the fact that if this was ever given to me, I would never be able to use it since there is too much risk that I would damage it in some way meaning by default it would be hers).

I can already see how this holiday season is shaping up and I don’t think it will be too difficult to anticipate what my Christmas gift is going to be which already has me feeling perpetually queasy. For the number of times that living in Hello Kitty Hell upsets my stomach, I really should be investing in antacid companies…

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume

Halloween is not celebrated in Japan, but now my wife wants to dress up in a costume because of this photo sent in:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

While my instincts are to go into yet another rant, maybe it will suffice to say that this is by far the scariest costume that anyone could come up with for Halloween. I have no doubt that little children screamed in terror as she walked down the street (because that is undoubtedly what I would have been doing if I had encountered it live). Maybe Hello Kitty and Halloween fit together a lot more than I have been been giving credit in the past. Either way, I have the distinct feeling that Halloween at Hello Kitty Hell is going to be downright scary now…

Sent in by Penny who should have to wear that thing year round for even thinking that sending me the photo and putting the idea into my wife’s head that a Hello Kitty Halloween costume would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty ATM Bank

Now that it is holiday shopping season (at least to Sanrio which officially launched the Christmas selling season a few days ago in Japan), my wife is drooling at all the new stuff being launched. Another of the many embarrassing things about living in Hello Kitty Hell is that gifts to friends and relatives often come with the evil pink feline on them. I no longer even try to explain — when they shoot me that look of “what the hell is this monstrosity?” I simply give them my “hey, I’m living in Hello Kitty Hell and I have no idea how to explain any of it” look, which, now that I think about it, really should come with a lot more tears and sobbing than it does. I know that I’m going to have to be practicing this look a lot this holiday season as my wife looks at all the things she wants to give as gifts. Her first priority is for my sister’s kids, and she has her eyes set on a Hello Kitty ATM bank:

Hello Kitty ATM bank

Hello Kitty ATM Bank Cash Card

My understanding of a bank is a place to save money, but Hello Kitty obviously can’t promote saving when there is so much of her Hello Kittified merchandise that needs to be bought. Thus, the Hello Kitty ATM bank comes with a “Hello Kitty cash card” so you can take out your money just as easy as you put it in. This seems to be the perfect illustration of how she digs her merchandising claws into Hello Kitty fanatics from the earliest of ages and then never lets go – thus laying the foundation to create the Hello Kitty Hell I live in today for many more unfortunate souls in the future…

Pumpkin Carving

It really does not help my Hello Kitty Hell when people actually take suggestions of my wife such as learning how to carve a Hello Kitty o’ lantern:

Hello Kitty pumpkin

via Movies of Myself (with the hope that it does mold and collapse into a zombie Kitty and we get to see a photo of that)

Hello Kitty pumpkin cat

Sent in by Marla (It seems to me that Kitty isn’t happy being associated with Hello Kitty)

Hello Kitty pumpkin

Hello Kitty pumpkin back

Sent in by someone who asked not to have their name revealed (someone with at least a bit of common sense, although he did make a Hello Kitty pumpkin so we may not be able to give him too much credit) from last year.

All these readers (and anyone else that decides to join them) should have to keep the Hello Kitty pumpkins for the entire year and watch as they decompose into the true character of the evil feline…

Update: I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that after writing this, more Hello Kitty fanatics would send me photos of their Hello Kitty ‘o lanterns as well:

Hello Kitty pumpkin

From Jennifer…

Hello Kitty pumpkin

From Sandra…

Hello Kitty carved pumpkin

From natalie…

Hello Kitty carved pumpkin

From natalie…

Hello Kitty pumpkin

From Nicole…

Hello Kitty Paper Shredder

I have come to the conclusion that one of the most important skill sets when you live in Hello Kitty Hell is to learn how to keep your mouth shut on things you need and buy them yourself. While I have become quite good at this over the years, every once in awhile I slip up with horrifying results. May I introduce you to the Hello Kitty paper shredder:

Hello Kitty paper shredder

It is almost always the office that gets me in trouble with slips of what I need. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would ever get office equipment that has been Hello Kittified? But apparently there are enough Hello Kitty fanatics out there to make it worthwhile to Hello Kittify even the most mundane office supplies.

Thus after making an offhanded comment last week that we really needed to get a paper shredder one of these days, the Hello Kitty paper shredder was waiting for me in my office when I came back from an errand. Of course, my wife was smiling from ear to ear anxiously waiting to see what I thought of it. “Isn’t it the cutest thing ever? Hello Kitty will help protect us from identity thieves.” (I manged to mumble something that satisfied her enough that it kept me out of the Hello Kitty sleeping bag)

While there is something wrong with every Hello Kitty item, there is just something downright wrong with having a Hello Kitty paper shredder. Every time I go to shred something, I get this overwhelming fear that the shredder is going to bounce up and catch hold of my hand or a piece of my clothing because you know if it was a movie, it would be the “cute” Hello Kitty shredder that ends up maiming and mutilating everyone.

I had a friend stop by who saw the thing and he just stood there shaking his head. A couple hours later I get a call with him laughing so hard he can’t stop: “Every time I walk by the shredder at work, I think of that thing you have and start laughing. It’s so sad that it’s hilarious…” (with more uncontrollable laughter)

Which I think is a pretty good summary of Hello Kitty Hell now that I think about it…

Hello Kitty Karaoke Machine

While all Hello Kitty products make me cringe, there are some that go beyond the normal Hello Kitty Hell cringe and bring actual physical pain to me when I think about them. My head is throbbing just thinking about the newest gadget my wife wants: the Hello Kitty Karaoke machine:

Hello Kitty karaoke

Listening to the Hello Kitty theme song is enough to make any normal human sick, but accompany that with Hello Kitty fanatics singing the song at the top of their lungs in delight, and you pretty much have the worst torture chamber that one could ever imagine. The fact that they will continue to sing the same Hello Kitty theme song over and over again for eternity without any sign of tiring makes it all the worse.

I have no doubt that the people at Sanrio created this specifically to increase the heat in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Christmas Lights Candy Rocks

One of the things that I have noticed about Hello Kitty is that she takes Holiday specific items and tries to make them generic thus allowing the Hello Kitty fanatic to use the evil feline all year round instead of at only a specific time of the year. It is with this in mind that Sanrio has renamed their Hello Kitty Christmas lights as “Hello Kitty Candy Rocks”

Hello Kitty Christmas Lights

Hello Kitty candy rocks

Hello Kitty Xmas Lights

Hello Kitty light angel

It’s bad enough that they are selling Christmas lights well before Halloween, but even worse that the “candy rocks” theme gives my wife the excuse to use them all year round:

wife: “Look what I bought”

me: “What?” (already knowing that it wasn’t going to be a pretty sight)

wife: “Hello Kitty candy rocks.”

me: “They’re Hello Kitty Christmas lights…” (stating the obvious)

wife: “No, these are candy rocks. They can be used to decorate all different areas of the house. Won’t things look so much better with lights to help brighten the place at night?”

me: “They are Christmas lights. They are meant to be put outside after Thanksgiving.” (hoping that I could avoid them as much as possible)

wife: “Sanrio says they are candy rocks.” (exasperated that I wasn’t getting it)

me: “Who do you believe more, me or Sanrio?” (I knew it was a dumb question as soon as it came out of my mouth…)

So now that she has established that I have no idea what I’m talking about, my wife is trying to decide where’s the best place in the house to display the candy rocks and wondering if she will need more so they can be displayed in each room…just another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Convention 2008

You know that Hello Kitty Hell has reached an entirely new level of Hellishness when someone like me is actually invited to a Hello Kitty convention to give a presentation:

I know you and Mrs. HKH are in Japan, but I wanted to let you know that next November, you’re invited to KittyCon 2008. It’s a fan-sponsored and supported convention of Kitty lovers to meet, shop, swap, and learn more about everyone’s (!) favorite feline. I’ve just kicked off the web site, which you can check out at KittyCon2008. I’m writing for a few reasons. First, if you’re in town, I’d actually get a huge laugh if you were interested in doing a seminar about your blog and adventures being a HKH (hello kitty husband?) I’d make sure that you were treated with complete politeness – no one will be mean to you there. I think it’d be cool to meet the man behind the blog! If you guys just wanted to attend, you’d be welcome to that as well. (And if you wanted to be anonymous, cool.) I’m just getting started now with lining up the vendors and seminar leaders and volunteers. The best part (yes, I can feel you cringing) is that the convention will be November 1-2, 2008, which happens to be Hello Kitty’s birthday (Nov 1). Whee! It’ll take place in Raleigh, NC.

This is just so wrong on so many levels that I’m not even sure where to begin, but since I have to begin somewhere:

First, they have Hello Kitty conventions. Take a moment and reflect about that. Swarms of Hello Kitty fanatics gathering together to squeal in sugary delight and celebrate the loveliness of all the “cutest things ever” without a hint of sarcasm in their voices. You are excused to run as fast as you can to the toilet so you don’t make a mess anyplace else in your house.

Secondly, I personally cannot think of anything more disturbing than spending the day with a large group of Hello Kitty fanatics. Take out the medieval torture devices because that would be like a relaxing vacation compared to a Hello Kitty convention. Send Jack Bauer to interrogate me because that would be many times less painful. If I had to attend something like this, I would undoubtedly have to be removed in a straitjacket, and the nightmare would be even worse because there is likely a Hello Kitty straitjacket which they would use…

Thirdly, even more disturbing than the thought of spending a day with Hello Kitty fanatics is the thought that there are Hello Kitty fanatics that actually think that it would be a good idea for me to attend a Hello Kitty convention. Somehow, I don’t think that any presentation that I might give would go over too well. I can’t imagine the Hello Kitty fanatics enjoying themselves as I spent the entire time insulting both Hello Kitty and their fanaticism. While there are a lot of terrible ways to have your life end in this world, being attacked and killed by an angry Hello Kitty mob, while it would likely make the news, would be a downright embarrassing demise.

Of course, my wife wants to go. “Wouldn’t that be the most wonderful vacation ever!!”

It is typical Hello Kitty Hell that I already have to worry about 2008 when 2007 hasn’t even ended…