This blog was initially set up for me to vent and to warn others of Hello Kitty Hell. It never crossed my mind when I started that Hello Kitty fanatics would start to come here. Why would they when all I do is talk about what a horrifying character Hello Kitty is time and again, but I underestimated the draw Hello Kitty has for fanatics. Even when someone is pointing out their absurd fanaticism, they can’t stand the thought of missing out on something Hello Kitty, so they come in droves. But it was with this latest email that I realised how evil Hello Kitty fanatics truly are – they are now using this blog to subtly introduce their significant others to what type of Hello Kitty Hell life they can expect with the significant other not even realising it:
It is frightening to me (and sadistic) that my girlfriend would have directed me to this site. I got off of work today, and she called just as I was grabbing in to some left over pizza.
Her: Are you at your computer?
Me: No, not right now. Eating.
Her: Well, I want you to look at this site!
Me: Alright. What’s the address?
Her: Do you have your browser open?
Me: Yup. (hoping it’s not more online shopping)
Her: Okay. “HelloKitty–”
Me: (sighing, hearing that phrase)
Her: Hell. ‘dot’com.
Me: Huh. (Shocked that those three words were in sequence from her voice)
And so I delved into your blog. I read a few highlights from your entries that I thought were clever aloud to her and she laughed, like it was some sort of cute joke. However, within this, a brimming paranoia began to brew in me. Without thinking, “Nuh-uh, this isn’t how things are going to be.” (A hello kitty sleeping bag?!) Somehow we progressed to talking about our days and things that have been going on, but it is too late. I already have major concerns developing.
We’re a young couple–I’m 20 and she’s a bit younger, and in the next few months she’s moving into my two bed room apartment, which at this time is delightfully not-pink. We’ve been together for a few years now, and will be engaged soon, but over the past few weeks certain conversation topics have given me some reason to worry.
It started out mild in addiction. She’s always like Hello Kitty, the plushies, the little pins and such. Since it is irrelevant, I won’t elaborate on her addiction to pink electronics or San-X Nyan Nyan Nyanko (frightening food-cats which I’m sure you’ve been punished with having to know they exist) which until this point were the major torture-points which I was forced to appease.
Then one day we went into Build-A-Bear and she made the 17-inch stuffed Hello Kitty. She is attached to this thing. She sleeps with it, and consequently so do I. However, ever since this…thing has come into our lives, her obsession has done nothing but steepen. We had to buy all the bows for this doll, the dresses, the accessories…and I was okay with it. It was ‘cute’. At the time.
Recently she’s been doing a lot of online shopping and (oh god) eBaying. So, I got conned into buying her a matching purse and wallet, with the dreaded cat head on it. This progressed to a Coach Hello Kitty key chain, a hello kitty head contact lens kit, and a pink hello kitty head mirror compact. This is not including the cosmetic bag and the ten bracelets and necklaces with Hello Kitty’s head on it. I’m thoroughly convinced that 17-inch stuffed Kitty brainwashed her into this addiction.
Now, back to the real issue…she’s moving in. While we’re sharing a bed room, she wants a room for her Hello Kitty things, and has said it could be our office and I could have my video game stuff in there. She proposed this to me with the incentive that this heavy flow of Hello Kitty merchandise wouldn’t attack the rest of my apartment.
That was until she saw the Hello Kitty appliances. Well, I love my girlfriend. I think she’s amazing and we have a strong relationship and we’re very close. Over the years she has gotten smart, and with this intelligence has learned an apt amount of ways of tricking me.
Her: When I move in I’ll make you breakfast!
Me: Aw. How sweet. (that would be nice)
Her: You like waffles right?
Me:(slowly catching on) Yes…
Her: Wouldn’t it be nice to have me make you waffles before work?
Me: (I was right.) …Yes.
Her: Remember that Hello Kitty waffle maker?
Me: Can I have special waffles that aren’t in the shape of Hello Kitty’s head?
Her: Aw, why! It’d be so cute! Maybe they make KT butter too…
Ugh. I can just imagine the daily trauma I would have to endure every time someone asked what I had for breakfast, or when someone ever said “waffle.”
She is also especially adamant that she has all of her things mailed to the LA Sanrio Momoberry store to have all of her things custom embellished with Swavorski crystals with Hello Kitty heads all over it. It is getting worse.
What do I do? I know my bathroom won’t look like yours because she doesn’t like excess and clutter, and I know she won’t buy Hello Kitty things she doesn’t really like or thinks she could use (at this point). However, I don’t want my apartment being taken over with an obscene amount of pink, flowery, heart clad, cat-head shaped merchandise.
I guess the question is what CAN I do? She wants the ring bearer in our wedding to be a small child in a hello kitty suit. She has told me that Hello Kitty will have to be the topping on our Wedding Cake. That was her compromise after I talked her out of having a complete Hello Kitty Wedding and Reception. However, another part of her mastermind scheme is that we will have to go to Puroland. If you don’t know what that is: Good. It’s a Hello Kitty Sanrio Themepark in Tokyo. She also wants to visit Harmony Land.
Now, we’ll be moving to Japan in the next few years for business…so I can’t even IMAGINE what our place will look like then. I guess I just want to know…Is it too late?
He’s a goner…might as well set up an account for him to start writing a Hello Kitty Hell column right now…