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Hello Kitty Binoculars

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As I have mentioned previously, when living in Hello Kitty Hell, it’s extremely important to not make the assumption that something you ask the Hello Kitty fanatic to purchase won’t come in a Hello Kitty model. This can be difficult at times because any reasonable person would assume that certain products would just never come out in a Hello Kitty model, but as you can see, Hello Kitty fanatics are far from reasonable. That means that if a company makes it, there is probably a Hello Kitty model out there.

My wife and I are going to a concert in a fairly large arena this coming weekend and I mentioned that if she had the time, she should pick up a pair of binoculars so that we can see the performance better. Now who in their right mind would imagine that they would make Hello Kitty binoculars? Well, they do and we now have them:

Hello Kitty binoculars

I can already see the people around me staring and pointing as I look through these Hello Kitty binoculars to get a closer look at the concert — it isn’t going to be a pretty sight and it is never fun to bring Hello Kitty Hell into the public arena…

Hello Kitty Postage Stamps

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The problem with living in Japan is that there is absolutely no place that Hello Kitty can’t be found. No matter how innocent the task, Hello Kitty will be there in some shape and form. Take, for instance, a letter I wrote recently. I had the entire letter written, addressed and ready to send when I asked my wife where our stamps were (I do almost all my corresponding over the Internet by email and it’s my wife that sends out a lot of packages and letters for her work). Now, one would assume that postage stamps would be postage stamps, but that is not the case in Hello Kitty Hell.

The Japanese post office actually has made Hello Kitty stamps.

Hello Kitty stamps

and apparently my wife purchased all of them (only slight exaggeration). I can safely say we have well over $500 worth of Hello Kitty stamps (and only Hello Kitty stamps) in our house which means my letter went out with Hello Kitty plastered on it. Believe me, there can’t be a much more pitiful sight than watching a grown man place Hello Kitty stamps on his letters and it pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Update: We don’t currently live in Japan and have no need for Japanese postal stamps, but my wife is getting all her friends back in Japan to buy these newly released Hello Kitty stamps for her. Typical Hello Kitty Hell…

hello kitty postal stamps

hello kitty stamps

Hello Kitty Night Light

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I have an especially acrimonious relationship with the “classic” Hello Kitty in Hello Kitty Hell. I have mentioned this on several occasions before that while Hello Kitty is sucking her thumb in the classic pose, I have no doubt that she is actually flipping me off. So not only does she mock me by being everywhere in our house, she is also set in prime locations to show me the finger whenever I happen by, just to let me know who is in charge.

While there are a number of these classic style Hello Kittys that I see on a daily basis, it is the Hello Kitty night light that most disturbs me.

Hello Kitty night light

Yes, it is certainly Hello Kitty Hell when you have to wake up each day in a Hello Kitty futon, but that Hell is compounded when the first thing you see each morning upon waking up is Hello Kitty shining brightly as she flips you the bird. Maybe being sent out to sleep on the couch (even if it is in a Hello Kitty sleeping bag) every once in awhile isn’t such a bad thing after all…

Hello Kitty Toaster Oven

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Part of the problem when living in Hello Kitty Hell is that it begins the moment that you get up in the morning. If it isn’t the Hello Kitty futon (or Hello Kitty sleeping bag on the couch depending how the previous day had gone), the first meal of the day also has Hello Kitty written all over it. It probably goes without saying that the vast majority of our plates and bowls have a Hello Kitty theme (we’ll get to photos of those at a later date), but also a lot of our cooking utensils including our Hello Kitty toaster oven:

Hello Kitty toaster oven

There’s just something that makes toast a lot less appetizing when it comes out of a Hello Kitty toaster. And yes, I am aware that there is a Hello Kitty toaster that toasts Hello Kitty onto the toast because my wife also has this, but the aim of breakfast is to get food into your stomach and not throw it up all over the table, which would happen if I had to look at Hello Kitty actually on my toast…

Hello Kitty Air Cleaner / Purifier

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One of the biggest hazards living in Hello Kitty Hell is that even casual conversation can lead to Hello Kitty Hell escalation. I should have learned by now that I need to watch what I say. I made the innocent comment the other day that in winter time the house seems to get more stuffy since we don’t open the windows as often. Of course, I should have known that to a Hello Kitty fanatic, that was an invitation to go out and purchase…a Hello Kitty air purifier:

Hello Kitty air purifier / cleaner

Silence is a golden rule in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty USB Computer Keyboard Cleaner

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As my wife continues to find gadgets that she “must have” for her computer, even from Hello Kitty Hell I’m amazed at all the Hello Kitty crap that gets sold. Granted, computer keyboards need to be cleaned from time to time, but would anyone in their right mind (I think we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics fall outside these parameters) really need a Hello Kitty USB computer keyboard cleaner with two different cleaning heads? But since my wife is one of those that falls outside saneness when it comes to Hello Kitty, this is what she wants next for her computer.

Hello Kitty usb computer keyboard cleaner

Hello Kitty usb computer cleaner

Hello Kitty Car Lights

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The Hello Kittification of our car continues at far too fast a pace. It would not surprise me in the least bit if a car could be built from scratch using only Hello Kitty parts or that somewhere, someone is selling a Hello Kitty modified engine.

While I had first assumed that the automotive area of the store would provide me some escape from my Hello Kitty Hell, it has been proved time and again to be the exact opposite. In fact now when we go to the store, I do my best to keep my wife away from the automotive section because if she manages to get there, it will mean a new Hello Kitty addition to our car. Which is exactly what happened this morning when my wife discovered the Hello Kitty car lights:

Hello Kitty car lights

Hello Kitty car lights

Yes, these are actually to replace your parking lights with a Hello Kitty glow in one of 4 colors. The only saving grace for my Hello Kitty Hell is that the size is wrong for our car. It’s probably a short lived victory, however. With the enthusiasm my wife had when finding them, it can only be a matter of time before they expand the line-up to include our car as well…

Update: An unfortunate instance of one of these actually being used:

Sent in by anonymous

Hello Kitty Kendama

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If you are a little girl, you absolutely love coming to our place to visit. I would imagine that it is like a dreamworld for a little girl, although I have reservations about my wife brainwashing these kids at such an early age. When a little girl comes to visit, she usually leaves with a huge smile on her face and a couple of Hello Kitty toys under her arms (that is the one redeeming factor — some of the Hello Kitty stuff leaves since my wife can’t deny when a little girl asks for something Hello Kitty — on the other hand, I pity the poor father because he doesn’t realize my wife’s evil plan is to recruit another Hello Kitty fanatic).

If you happen to be a boy, however, I would think this place would be a nightmare to visit. While it would be unfathomable for most of us to believe that boys wouldn’t be interested in Hello Kitty items, the Hello Kitty fanatic can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t like Hello Kitty. She tries in vain to convince me that boys would really like Hello Kitty if they would simply look at her heart. Then she tries to show me toys like the Hello Kitty kendama which “any boy should like”:

Hello Kitty Kendama

Hello Kitty Kendama

While the kendama is a great Japanese toy that most boys would love, a Hello Kitty kendama is just downright wrong. I think Hello Kitty employees sit in the back rooms and think up ways to place Hello Kitty on things that make men shake their heads in disbelief because they know that every Hello Kitty fanatic would absolutely need to have it.

Suffice to say, all our friends with little girls come to visit on a regular basis while those with boys tend to want to meet us at some point away from our house after the first visit…

Hello Kitty CDs

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One of the things that is most frustrating about Hello Kitty Hell is that many of the Hello Kitty items in our house aren’t really Hello Kitty Items at all. They are normal, every day items in Hello Kitty packaging. No matter how many times I try to explain this to my wife, it doesn’t make any sense to her. Hello Kitty on the package means that whatever is inside is also Hello Kitty related in some way (thusly the mind works of the Hello Kitty fanatics the around the world).

Take these for example:

Hello Kitty CDs

They are CDs wrapped in Hello Kitty packaging, but they are the only ones my wife will buy. It doesn’t matter that the CD looks like any other CD once the packaging comes off. Since practically every item that exists comes in Hello Kitty packaging, you can begin to see the Hello Kitty Hell I must deal with on a daily basis

Hello Kitty Tooth Cap

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There have been a number of readers who have sent me photos of the Hello Kitty tooth cap, and while it certainly is strange, this is one of the few Hello Kitty items that really doesn’t put fear into my heart. The reason being that I would never have to see it. I mean, really, how many times do you look into the depths of someone’s mouth to check out their dental work? If my wife decides that she needs to have a Hello Kitty crown placed on one of her molars, I don’t think it would add to my Hello Kitty Hell.

Hello Kitty Tooth

That being said, I do have a great fear with Hello Kitty and teeth and I’m not sure that I should even mention it as it would likely give someone the idea (because there is undoubtedly some Hello Kitty fanatic that would do it) to actually do it and then inspire my wife. I’m just waiting for some rap star to sport a Hello Kitty grill. I can see someone with Hello Kitty in diamonds implanted into their front teeth and as soon as that happens, I know I will be in big trouble…

Thanks (I think) to rgpalacio, dtstan, hklove, Mackenzie and probably a few others I missed (apologies)