Hello Kitty Corset

We already know that Hello Kitty makes a wide variety of underwear including bras, boxers and even some scary boy’s briefs, but of course that is not enough — Hello Kitty has not mastered full domination until she also has a Hello Kitty corset:

Hello Kitty corest

Hello Kitty corest

My wife loves it. “Isn’t it wonderful how Hello Kitty is always helping women look their best?”

For a brief moment, I actually thought the idea of a Hello Kitty fanatic (namely my wife) getting a Hello Kitty corset would be good. There might be a tiny bit of justice if she decided to wear the corset and had it tied so tight that she could hardly breath (of course, all in the name of Hello Kitty helping women look better), but it didn’t take long to realize that this type of reasoning doesn’t work on my wife. Buying stuff for her Hello Kitty collection has nothing to do with actually using the stuff 99% of the time (of course this doesn’t make any sense, but we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics never do — unless you also happen to be a Hello Kitty fanatic).

The Hello Kitty Hell gods teasing me by getting my hopes up that justice would actually be served to a Hello Kitty fanatic for however brief a moment is yet another aspect of living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to kittyfan3 (via mindticor.com) who should have to wear one of these as tight as possible for bringing it to my attention

Hello Kitty Boyfriend

It’s bad enough that Hello Kitty fanatics feel it is okay to dress up cats and dogs as Hello Kitty, but you know you’re in real trouble when they feel it is appropriate to dress you up as Hello Kitty as this poor soul found out:

Hello Kitty boyfriend

I want to scream and shout at him to run for his life, but if he has endured until this point, there is no hope for him. I’m sure that he will be seeking to write a column on this blog in the not too distant future. My wife thinks that he is wonderful. “Look at how he shares his love of Hello Kitty with his girlfriend. You could learn from him…” I was tempted to remind her that she had to do this to him while he was sleeping, but didn’t want to place the thought into her mind that it might be a good thing to do to me, too.

His only saving grace is that his girlfriend had the decency to block out his face so he wouldn’t be ridiculed by all of his co-workers and friends for the rest of his life. My wife would have done no such thing she says. “You should be proud to show off your love of Hello Kitty if you’re male or female. Hello Kitty loves everyone the same.” And she wonders why I won’t let her do something like that to me…

The new Hello Kitty Hell concern is that my wife has embraced the idea of dressing me up while I’m sleeping. She hasn’t mentioned it specifically (and as I mentioned, I didn’t want to give her any ideas), but she had that Hello Kitty Hell twinkle in her eye as she looked at it and that can only mean trouble. Just one more worry to add to all the rest living in Hello Kitty Hell…

From xina in the comments, who really should have to wear the Hello Kitty head gear herself everyday for the rest of her life for any ideas she has given my wife…

Hello Kitty Leather Jacket

I know it’s going to be another Hellish day in Hello Kitty Hell when my wife decides I need a Hello Kitty leather jacket like this guy:

legacy of cuteality

Of course, she also wants to know why I’m not as enthusiastic about Hello Kitty as he is to which I simply have to say, if I even become 1/1,000,000 as enthusiastic as he is, someone simply shoot me and put me out of my misery…

Now I will have to wait in dire Hello Kitty Hell fear that a Hello Kitty leather jacket will soon appear at our door…

Left in the comments by Catherine who should have to marry this guy for even considering showing me this video

Cell Phone

My wife finally got herself a Hello Kitty cell phone, but since the official Hello Kitty cell phones weren’t Hello Kittified enough for her taste, she instead had this monstrosity custom made:

Hello Kitty cell phone

Hello Kitty cellular phone

Since I don’t have a cell phone, my wife insisted that I take hers when I went out shopping yesterday in case she thought of some other things to add to the list she had given me. There’s definitely a Hello Kitty Hell law that states that when someone is living in Hello Kitty Hell and is forced to take some Hello Kitty branded item with them, the moment that that item will need to be used will be at the most embarrassing moment possible. Thus the phone rang right at the moment that I was in the most crowded section of the grocery store.

There is nothing that exudes “strange foreigner” in Japan more than a six foot three inch tall guy taking out a hideously blinged out Hello Kitty cell phone that is playing the Hello Kitty theme song as the ringtone in the middle of a crowded grocery store and having to explain that, “no, I am not lying and pretending I can’t find the Hello Kitty sausages you wanted. They aren’t here” and “yes, I do agree (because I don’t want to sleep in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight) that Hello Kitty pancakes are wonderful and it is also beyond me why the grocery store doesn’t stock Hello Kitty brand pancake mix.”

After talking and hanging up, I of course have every single mother and child in that area of the store looking at me with a raised eyebrow trying to decide if I am just a weird foreigner that likes Hello Kitty or some freaked out lunatic that has no grasp of the reality that grown men don’t have Hello Kitty cell phones (with the latter usually winning out). I immediately sulk away where upon the phone rings again and the entire process starts anew.

And the sad part is that is nothing unusual for a day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Business Card Case

This is why Hello Kitty brings hell to the spouses of Hello Kitty fanatics. It’s bad enough that my wife “had to have” the Hello Kitty Gold business card. The problem is once you have the outrageously expensive business card, where do you keep it? In an outrageously expensive Hello Kitty business card holder, of course:

Hello Kitty business card case

Hello Kitty business card holder close-up

This business card holder is made of 24 karat gold and covered with Swarovski crystal beads and costs a mere $225 (27,300 yen). My wife thinks it’s stylish and cute and makes the perfect fit for the gold Hello Kitty business card.

This is where Hello Kitty excels – not only does she come up with completely useless things that she knows Hello Kitty fanatics will have to have, once she does, she comes up with accessories for the completely useless things. I have no doubt that she will also develop useless accessories for the useless accessories of the useless items (perhaps a gold threaded business card holder bag so that the Swarovski crystals don’t get damaged?). Then of course there will need to be a useless accessory for the useless accessory for the useless accessory of the useless item and so on…

I have no doubt that there is a reason that this Hello Kitty business card holder comes with crossed bones behind is it foreshadows my Hello Kitty Hell future. If you pick any Hello Kitty item, you can create a spider web of useless accessories linking them all together and I’m that struggling insect trapped in the web fighting to break free as Hello Kitty comes forth ready to sink her fangs into me and insert just enough venom to paralyze me, yet keep me alive so she can slowly suck the life out of me over a long period of time…that my friends, is a glimpse of what Hello Kitty Hell feels like…

Armband of Shame

Apparently the police in Thailand have come up with the perfect way to keep their police officers in line – threaten to make them wear a pink Hello Kitty armbands to discipline them for such things as being late for work, parking in prohibited areas, fighting, failing to report for duty and giving poor service:

Hello Kitty eco bag

This is apparently not a joke and is intended to shame police officers into doing a better job and from repeating offences. The department has 10 armbands available that will begin being used this week. Just to make things a bit worse, first-time offenders must accompany the officer rostered as deputy chief of the day which means wearing the armband to all the major offices within the Crime Suppression Division.

Living in Hello Kitty Hell and knowing what it feels like to walk around with Hello Kitty, I have a feeling that this project will either be a great success or the Thai government will be overthrown in protest – with the edge going toward a complete government overthrow.

Of course, my wife doesn’t see it quite the same way. “If all police officers wore Hello Kitty armbands, the public would love and respect them a lot more. The Hello Kitty armband should be a part of every police uniform…”

It seems that I won’t be the only person living in Hello Kitty Hell this week…

via Bangkok Post (better photo courtesy of Chris)

Hello Kitty Eco Bag

Only Hello Kitty can do something like this and actually convince Hello Kitty fanatics (like my wife) that they are spending their money wisely while helping the environment. My wife, knowing that I prefer to be eco friendly when possible, decided that I could not object to the Hello Kitty Eco Bag:

Hello Kitty eco bag

Now my impression of an eco-bag is something big enough to carry a sack full of groceries that you would use instead of plastic or paper. If it’s made out of recycled or renewable material, all the better. Sanrio, however, has a different take on what an “eco-bag” represents.

In Hello Kitty’s world, you take some recycled material, mold it into a purse, slap Hello Kitty’s face and 2000 Swarovski crystal beads on it and it magically becomes the “Hello Kitty Eco Bag” for the cost of a mere $875 (105,000 yen).

While it doesn’t really surprise me that this would be Sanrio’s version of Hello Kitty and being eco friendly at the same time (come on, eco friendly is a “hot” marketing area right now and when have you ever known Hello Kitty to try not to invade any hot marketing area?), I would think their attempt would be a bit less commercially obvious…until I realized they were marketing to Hello Kitty fanatics

While any normal person would see right through this lame attempt by Hello Kitty to be part of the eco friendly crowd, Hello Kitty fanatics actually believe this crap. wife: “It is great that Hello Kitty is embracing the environment and helping to save the earth. It goes to show all the love that Hello Kitty has for everything. I think I will get one to show my support for this great cause.”

And with that I reached one of those no win Hello Kitty Hell choices: Do I try to explain that Hello Kitty doesn’t give a crap about being eco friendly and end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag or do I keep my mouth shut with a smile on my faced and glazed eyes like a deer on the side of the road about to be slammed into by a 18 wheel truck? I should know better by now on which is the correct choice in this situation having spent this much time in Hello Kitty Hell and I would give you the details how I failed to choose that correct path, but it’ll have to wait until later as I’ve been sent to the closet to retrieve my bedding for the night…

Hello Kitty Gold Figures & Pendants

Sanrio is the master of series which are made specifically to suck in the Hello Kitty fanatic. Our house would be a fraction of the Hello Kitty Hell it is if series didn’t exist. That’s because it is impossible for a Hello Kitty fanatic to get a single item from any series without getting the rest (or whining excessively about how they don’t have the rest). That can get expensive when my wife sees things like these Hello Kitty gold figures and pendants:

Hello Kitty gold figure

Hello Kitty gold pendant

So it should not come as a surprise that my wife won’t be satisfied with just one, but wants the entire collection. That means instead of just over $200 for one figure, it will end up being $2400 for the set plus another $1500 ($125 each) for the pendant set. Sanrio knows that fanatics want the entire set, so they release them over a period of time figuring that most would balk at paying nearly $4000 at one time, but would be more than willing to cumulatively purchase that same amount over an extended period.

Of course, when I explain how Sanrio is trying to manipulate my wife into buying more stuff, she’ll have none of it. “All they want to do is spread more love and cheer to the world.” While any normal person would gag when reading the around the world adventure story that accompanies these gold figures, the Hello Kitty fanatics eat it up:

Saying farewell to her friends and already missing her mother’s apple pie, Hello Kitty was ready to venture into new horizons, meeting new friends and spreading the message of love along the way. With her passport, T-shirts, and luggage ready, Hello Kitty began her fantastic adventure as an ambassador of love and friendship.

I think I’ll just empty the contents of my stomach now and get ready to endure another Hello Kitty Hell day…

Thanks to deede who should be forced to purchase these for every one of her children for having informed my wife of their existence.

Hello Kitty Pullip

It really doesn’t matter if my wife has any idea what the thing is, if it has Hello kitty on it, then she has to have it. Thus when she saw the Hello Kitty Pullip figure, she wanted it right away:

Hello Kitty Pullip

I took one look at the style and it immediately reminded me of the Hello Kitty cat fashion which is always a bad sign. Knowing how Hello Kitty Hell works, it won’t be long before everything, including me, is fitted with a Hello Kitty head like this.

My wife thinks it’s the cutest thing ever and that it would make an excellent Halloween costume: “We can get one of Hello Kitty and one of Dear Daniel and go out as a pair. It will be so lovely.” Not exactly the words I would use to describe that image, but the scariest part (and the sure sign I am living in Hello Kitty Hell) was in that split second moment, when the words “Dear Daniel” left her lips, I was actually relieved. I know, I know, it’s the difference between being roasted alive over a open fire “slowly” and being roasted over a fire at a “snail-like” pace — both painful beyond belief with no noticeable different to the observer, but at that moment I actually thought she was going to say I had to be Hello Kitty, too. Now how utterly pathetic is that?

Thanks to kaoko for the image. She should have to wear one of these Hello kitty hoods around at all times…

Hello Kitty Batman Tattoo

In keeping with the superhero theme, my wife had this tattoo emailed to her in her continued search for the perfect Hello Kitty tattoo for herself.

(Photo removed on request)

While I think Hello Kitty tattoos are wrong in general and anyone who ever considers getting one should have to do so with the Hello Kitty Vibrator Tattoo Gun Mod, having my wife consider one placed in that particular area of her body would be a Hello Kitty Hell disaster. It’s bad enough that I have to find Hello Kitty underneath the first layer of clothing, but to have her staring directly at me once all the layers are off would bring Hello Kitty Hell to an all new level.

While I could go into 1000 reasons why this particular Hello Kitty tattoo is also horrendous, the truth is that any Hello Kitty tattoo plastered across my wife’s chest is going to be a complete nightmare. The last thing that I want is to be in the mood and have to deal with Hello Kitty staring directly at me knowing that I must complement my wife on the Hello Kitty tattoo or face the repercussion that I will be to be sent to the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag. I fear that this is the Hello Kitty Hell future that lies ahead…

Thanks to kittyfan3 who should be forced to get a similar tattoo and listen to that same music each day for the rest of her life…