Strange

Hello Kitty Coughs Up Hairball

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When it comes to Hello Kitty, there aren’t many things that bring a smile to my face, but this was one of them – Hello Kitty coughing up a hairball:

I’m not sure why I enjoyed this so much. Maybe it’s because we now know what is truly inside Hello Kitty. Maybe it’s because I think that it’s a fitting tribute to Hello Kitty for all I will have to put up with today since it is Hello Kitty’s birthday (believe me, you don’t even want to know what I’m going to have to suffer through today…). But probably it’s mostly because it’s nice to finally see Hello Kitty suffering the same feeling I get every time one of her new products comes out and makes its way to our house…

Sent in by glory, who definitely will get a beer from me if we ever meet.

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume

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Halloween is not celebrated in Japan, but now my wife wants to dress up in a costume because of this photo sent in:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

While my instincts are to go into yet another rant, maybe it will suffice to say that this is by far the scariest costume that anyone could come up with for Halloween. I have no doubt that little children screamed in terror as she walked down the street (because that is undoubtedly what I would have been doing if I had encountered it live). Maybe Hello Kitty and Halloween fit together a lot more than I have been been giving credit in the past. Either way, I have the distinct feeling that Halloween at Hello Kitty Hell is going to be downright scary now…

Sent in by Penny who should have to wear that thing year round for even thinking that sending me the photo and putting the idea into my wife’s head that a Hello Kitty Halloween costume would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty AK-47

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Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

I guess if there are Hello Kitty guns and Hello Kitty Armoured Personnel Carriers, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that something which is supposed to exude love and friendship would be found on a AK-47:

Hello Kitty AK-47

Again, my wife is totally anti-Hello Kitty gun — “Hello Kitty brings love, she doesn’t kill” — but I think that this is simply showing Hello Kitty’s true colors. While she doesn’t necessarily destroy civilization with bullets and bombs, she does do it with a overwhelming blanket of cuteness that may be much more psychologically damaging to the world. I personally think it should be the weapon of choice for all Hello Kitty Hunters

And as the sales pitch notes, “A perfect gift for the young lady of the house.” What Hello Kitty fanatic wouldn’t want one?

The world should note the hand-crocheted shoulder-stock muffler and the anodized titanium plating. Several choices in stock wood are available. With a limited run of only 500, buy now before they’re gone! An mere $100 extra includes Glambo’s signature wood-burnt into the opposite side of the handguard. A perfect gift for the young lady of the house. A bargain at only $1072.95! 😉

Sent in by Ashley (via Glam Guns) who should shoot every Hello Kitty collection with it that she comes in contact with.

Hello Kitty Pure Gold Playing Cards

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We have already established that there isn’t a single product that Hello Kitty doesn’t love to hijack into her own likeness, but she is also the master of creating events (where no even truly exists) to sell completely useless, overpriced junk that can only leave a normal person shaking their head asking, “Do people really buy that crap?” Of course, the Hello Kitty fanatic takes one look at it and begins drooling uncontrollably, and if she happens to have some poor soul that is her significant other, she begins whining about how much she loves it and just has to have it. That was the basic reaction of my wife when she found out about the pure gold Hello Kitty playing cards Sanrio is releasing for its 33rd Hello Kitty anniversary (33rd anniversary?!? What other company in the world celebrates a 33rd anniversary?):

Hello Kitty pure gold playing cards

Hello Kitty pure gold poker cards

There are 54 cards in the set which includes 2 jokers with each card being made from 0.73 grams of 99.99% pure gold. The gold cards are then laminated in a protective coating and sold for the price of nearly $5000 (567,000 Yen)

So my wife is telling me now that this would be a perfect birthday gift for me because I like to play poker with the guys (right – 1. Like I would ever play poker with Hello kitty playing cards. 2. Like the guys wouldn’t have me instantly committed if I ever brought out a deck of Hello kitty playing cards. 3. Like my wife would ever let me touch $5000 gold playing cards with the intent to play poker with them). Undoubtedly, all I’m going to hear about for the next week is how beautiful these cards are and how much she really wants them. Par for the course in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Shinto Shrine

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If anyone thought that Hello Kitty would stop at trying to take over after creating her own western religion and an alternative would have greatly underestimated the world domination plans of this little feline. She also has her hand in Eastern religion with her own shrine with (of course) her as the deity under the Sanrio banner:

Hello Kitty Shinto shrine

And for anyone who doesn’t believe that it is supposed to be a true religious experience, read this description from the Pagan Prattle:

This shrine is not the only religious experience to be had at Puroland. The centrepiece of the establishment is the enormous Wisdom Tree. A path winds up the tree, alongside which are small shrines and altars to the various Sanrio characters. At the very top, you go inside the tree and encounter yet another shrine. This one is Hello Kitty’s Bell of Happiness. There appears to be no source of water for ritual purification (maybe nothing is impure once it has entered Kitty’s domain?) but, apart from that, the ritual is the same as at any other Shinto shrine. You approach the altar, and ring the bell, bow a couple of times, then clap your hands twice, then bow again. There is no collecting box in front of the altar but, as at many other Shinto shrines, you can buy an ema – a special card – on which you write your wish and hang up on a special frame located nearby.

As would be expected, my wife thinks this is wonderful. She wants to place a mini shrine in our house (like all the Hello Kitty crap isn’t enough) so that we can pray directly each morning to the feline goddess — “She would make sure that each day would be filled with love and joy” is her take on it although I prefer to substitute “love” with “despair” and “joy with “pain” which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Katy (via Pagan Prattle) who should be forced to kneel down in front of Hello Kitty 12 hours a day as penance for thinking sending me this was a good idea.

Hello Kitty Wedding Ring

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It would seem that I would be thanking Sanrio for not creating these until after I was already married, but Hello Kitty Hell doesn’t make something like this simply disappear due to timing. While Hello Kitty wedding rings weren’t around when my wife and I got married, their appearance so close to our 10th anniversary has my wife trying to convince me that this is exactly what we need to celebrate the occasion:

Hello Kitty wedding ring

Hello Kitty wedding men's ring

Hello Kitty wedding ladies' ring

Hello Kitty wedding ring pair

It would be bad enough if I had to give her a Hello Kitty wedding ring, but it’s even worse that they come in a matching pair with Hello Kitty engraved on the inside meaning that I would also have to wear a Hello Kitty wedding ring. Sanrio, in their marketing genius, have set this up as a no win situation for any man living in Hello Kitty Hell. While the bride’s ring has Hello Kitty prominently on the outside, Hello Kitty is hidden on the inner circle of the ring on the groom’s ring — apparently even they realized the backlash if they had tried to place Hello Kitty’s face on the outside, but this strategic placement gives the bride negotiating room to argue that it is not nearly as bad as it could have been.

In reality, having Hello Kitty on the inside isn’t any better. Just the thought that I am somehow defacto married to Hello Kitty as well makes my heart seize up and gives my stomach that wonderful nauseating feeling you get before you have to run to the toilet to vomit.

Of course, the wedding rings don’t come cheap when Hello Kitty lends her face to them. The platinum Hello Kitty wedding rings run $1,640 (189,000 Yen) with the bride’s ring getting two minuscule diamond chips (0.02ct ) added to either side of Hello Kitty’s face. I’m actually surprised that they are Pepto Bismol pink.

So once again the Hello Kitty quandary arises. If I don’t get the rings, I will have to get something Hello Kitty that could be just as awful (or even worse) to placate not getting them. Either way I lose and Hello Kitty wins which is almost always the case in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Sex Toy 2

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If you have been reading this blog for awhile, then you may remember that I came across an item that I initially thought was some kind of weirded out Hello Kitty sex toy, but ultimately ended up being something else. You can imagine my surprise when this arrived in the mail:

Hello Kitty ???

Hello Kitty mystery

Hello Kitty wtf

Hello Kitty sex toy

I must admit that my mind did travel there again for a split second (hey, I’m a guy), but I did fully recover before blurting out something that likely would have put me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag.

At least I feel much better these days about previously being ignorant to what these really are. We had friends stop by and while my wife’s girlfriend new exactly what they were and picked them up (they were sitting on the table after she had just unpacked them), her husband almost had a Hello Kitty heart attack – an expression that I remember crossing my face the first time I saw them. It’s not often that Hello Kitty Hell makes me laugh, but I did have to let out a smile at that…

Hello Kitty Tiara

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My wife has decided that we need to go on random Hello Kitty excursions around Japan these next couple of weeks which means I’m going to have limited time to actually comment about the Hello Kitty Hell I’m suffering through. Instead of leaving the blog blank during this time, I have decided to go through the 250+ emails that have sent me photos of random Hello Kitty Hell products (believe me, there are far more than you want to know and this goes to show that Hello Kitty fanatics spend too much time sending me email rather than doing something productive like living life) and will be placing them up, but without the usual commentary. Please feel free to place your own commentary as you see fit and hopefully I will not have slashed my wrists from some awful Hello Kitty Hell experience before I get the chance to write some more.

So to get things started, the Hello Kitty Tiara worn by Jeffree Star (yes, that is a guy)

Hello Kitty tiara

Sent in by Faye (via Jeffree Star) who should have to not only wear the tiara, but color her hair Hello Kitty pink as well for thinking it would be a good idea to send this to me…

Hello Kitty Cheerleader Superhero Video

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It’s when I receive things like this in my email box that I know it’s going to be a horrendous Hello Kitty Hell day:

If we ever have a girl, that is exactly how my wife hopes our daughter turns out. I think I’ll go and cry in a corner and pray for a boy (although that might even be worse)…

This was so bad that the person that sent it did so anonymously. While they should definitely have to dress up like this for the rest of their lives for even thinking of sending it to me, I give them credit for not wanting to be associated with such a Hello Kitty Hellish and lower the sentence to just a year…