Strange

Hello Kitty Corset

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We already know that Hello Kitty makes a wide variety of underwear including bras, boxers and even some scary boy’s briefs, but of course that is not enough — Hello Kitty has not mastered full domination until she also has a Hello Kitty corset:

Hello Kitty corest

Hello Kitty corest

My wife loves it. “Isn’t it wonderful how Hello Kitty is always helping women look their best?”

For a brief moment, I actually thought the idea of a Hello Kitty fanatic (namely my wife) getting a Hello Kitty corset would be good. There might be a tiny bit of justice if she decided to wear the corset and had it tied so tight that she could hardly breath (of course, all in the name of Hello Kitty helping women look better), but it didn’t take long to realize that this type of reasoning doesn’t work on my wife. Buying stuff for her Hello Kitty collection has nothing to do with actually using the stuff 99% of the time (of course this doesn’t make any sense, but we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics never do — unless you also happen to be a Hello Kitty fanatic).

The Hello Kitty Hell gods teasing me by getting my hopes up that justice would actually be served to a Hello Kitty fanatic for however brief a moment is yet another aspect of living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to kittyfan3 (via mindticor.com) who should have to wear one of these as tight as possible for bringing it to my attention

Hello Kitty Fetish

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What is the deal with Hello Kitty and masturbation? Apparently the same Hello Kitty that makes me want to continuously vomit brings sexual excitement to far too many people – that is the only explanation to the popularity of the Hello Kitty vibrator and the Hello Kitty S&M Love Hotel Room. This goes to a whole new Hello Kitty Hellish level when just the sight of Hello Kitty is enough to bring this sexual pleasure:

Hello Kitty fetish

I must admit that I don’t understand a good 99% of what makes Hello Kitty fanatics function, but I can safely say that I completely (as in 100%) don’t understand those that have a Hello Kitty sexual fetish. There is something so completely wrong with that idea that is sends shivers up my spine every time I even have to consider it.

I know that all but the most hardened Hello Kitty fanatics are sitting in front of their computers (hopefully not a Hello Kitty computer) staring at the above confession and thinking WTF?!? (if you are even in the slightest bit considering a way to answer why some people might have a Hello Kitty sexual fetish, don’t. You are already over the edge of Hello Kitty fanaticism and any explanation will only provide all of us with worse nightmares tonight).

Yes, I considered this a sign that the world might be ending soon, but realized that that would relieve me from my Hello Kitty Hell suffering which would be much too easy — so not only is it not a sign of the apocalypse, it’s something that some people consider normal. And so another week in Hello Kitty Hell shows that things can continuously get worse than I thought possible the previous week…

Via ConfessMail

Hello Kitty Superhero

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As mentioned previously, Hello Kitty has a problem with other pop culture and invariably tries to make it her own. She has obviously reached the point where all the superheroes have taken too much of the limelight away from her and instead of morphing the superheros into Hello Kitty, she has gone out and created her own Hello Kitty superhero:

Hello Kitty superhero

Hello Kitty super hero

This, of course, begs the question of what superpowers Hello Kitty possesses (this is something that I would really rather not know since it will undoubtedly be something that will make my Hello kitty Hell life worse). My wife thinks that she carries “barbells of love” because “Hello Kitty love will conquer all evil in the world” and a “heart belt of sweetness.” I have no doubt this is true because any enemy would rather end their life right then and there than have to witness either of those two powers in action. Then again, 99% of the world’s population (those that aren’t Hello Kitty fanatics) would also do the same…

Hello Kitty Armband of Shame Video

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The Hello Kitty armband of shame made it onto the Japanese news. Apparently they used the red and white checkered armband shown in previous months, but that armband proved to have the opposite effect and was popular among the police, thus they decided to switch to Hello Kitty to try and shame them…

As would be expected, my wife wants one of these for her Hello Kitty collection. Hopefully there is no police officer married to a Hello Kitty fanatic or he may be forced to get into trouble on a daily basis…

Hello Kitty Tarot Cards

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Not satisfied to simply take over mainstream religion, Hello Kitty also has delved into the alternatives such as these tarot cards:

Hello Kitty tarot cards

Hello Kitty tarot cards death

Hello Kitty tarot cards lonely

Hello Kitty tarot cards money

It doesn’t surprise me in the least bit that Hello Kitty believes that she can predict your future (and I’m sure she knows the Hellish future that she has in store for me…and I can only imagine that this makes her silently giggle – since she doesn’t have a mouth – with great pleasure). I also have no doubt that the death card would show up time and again in any reading I had…

Of course, my wife see this as yet another positive that Hello Kitty has brought to the world: “If people would let Hello Kitty’s love inside by using these cards, their future would be so much brighter and filled with love.”

The Hello Kitty high priestess has undoubtedly blessed upon me yet another day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by many readers all of which should have to listen to the future predictions of Hello Kitty and live with them for having enough time to find these. You can see the entire set at samiam010203’s flickr photo set

Hello Kitty Zombie Tattoo

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Hello Kitty tattoos were bad. The Hello Kitty Star Wars tattoo took things to a whole new level. The Hello Kitty batman tattoo topped even those so this latest Hello Kitty tattoo seems horrifyingly appropriate for Hello Kitty Hell:

Hello Kitty zombie tattoo

This was accompanied by the following email:

First off, I am a HUGE hello kitty fan and love her do death.

I also love zombies so I thought it was the perfect match.

Anthony from Yankee Tattoo in Burlington, Vermont did this on Wednesday and I just wanted to share it with you.

There are so many things completely wrong with the tattoo and email that I don’t even know where to begin, but since I have to begin somewhere, it distresses me to no end that more and more of the Hello Kitty emails I get no longer ask me to show a photo to my wife, but are being written specifically to me. It is beyond my comprehension why Hello Kitty fanatics feel the urge “to share it with me” knowing that all I’m going to do is ridicule it because that is what I do in this blog — ridicule all things Hello Kitty.

It seems that even for Hello Kitty fans, Hello Kitty is no longer enough and the hybrid Hello Kitty is the tattoo of choice. Why anyone would want to mix Hello Kitty with anything other than possibly a barrel of dynamite is way beyond my comprehension, but apparently Hello Kitty fanatics, in their Hello Kitty daze (which coincidentally has the remarkable resemblance of a zombie stare), feel that a Hello Kitty zombie is cute.

wife: “See, even the dead are cute when they let Hello Kitty into their hearts.”

I keep hoping that I will find some redeeming quality about living in Hello Kitty Hell and day after day, I’m shown that not only is there nothing that comes close to being redeeming, but what I imagine is the worst that Hello Kitty Hell can get is only a preview of things to come…

Thanks to Erika who really should have to live with Hello Kitty zombies for even thinking that sending me this photo would be a good idea…

Update: Because there always have to be more than one Hello Kitty zombie tattoo:

hello kitty zombie tattoo

Sent in by Patrick

Apparently Hello Kitty zombie likes hearts just as much as brains:

hello kitty heart eating zombie tattoo

Sent in by numerous readers

Hello Kitty zombie tattoo below the belt

First sent in by Ray

hello kitty zombie tattoo

Sent in by ruthven78

hello kitty pink zombie tattoo

Sent in by Maria

Hello Kitty Banana

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While I already know that Hello Kitty produces the most useless products in the world, I had failed to see up to this point the grand scheme of Hello Kitty’s total take over. If you have a Hello Kitty banana cover, of course you must cover a Hello Kitty banana with it:

Hello Kitty banana

“Why in the world would anyone need a Hello Kitty banana?” is probably a cleaned up G-rated version of what just popped into your head upon seeing this (unless, of course, you are a Hello Kitty fanatic to which you think this us yet, the greatest thing ever). I mean seriously, why would anyone buy Hello Kitty brand bananas, right?

wife: “Because obviously (giving that look like I’m the stupidest person on earth and why does she have to explain the obvious to a grown man) they are the sweetest bananas produced.”

This, of course, has my wife thinking once again that an all Hello Kitty food diet would be a good thing for us and that is a step further into Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Heather who should not only have to eat Hello Kitty bananas for the rest of her life, but carry them around in the Hello Kitty banana protector as well for sending me this photo.

Hello Kitty Transformer

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In her undying quest to be involved in anything pop culture, Hello Kitty has morphed into a Hello Kitty sewing machine transformer:

Hello Kitty transformer

My wife thinks this is “the greatest thing ever” (but then everything Hello Kitty is the greatest thing ever – no point trying to argue that it is impossible for everything to be “the greatest thing ever” at the same time, because while normal people know this makes absolutely no sense, we once again find that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t care) and wants one for herself.

wife: “I want one of those. It’s the greatest thing ever!”

me: “I don’t think it’s real…”

wife: “You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to get one. Just like the Hello Kitty car tail pipe.”

me: “no, that’s not true…” (thinking: “this is bad…I’m never going to be able to use that trick again…”)

wife: “It’s a toy you would like. I’ll let you play with it too.”

me: “That’s funny…” (accidentally laughing out loud thinking: “this is the person who sent me to the couch for a week because I used Hello Kitty toilet paper properly…”)

wife: “You don’t believe me!?” (with the Hello Kitty Hell look starting to sparkle in her eye – me thinking: “uh oh, this is not good…abandon ship…get out of this conversation as quickly as possible”)

me: (stammering trying to recover) “no…no, that’s not what I meant at all. What I meant was that I know how valuable everything Hello Kitty is to you and wouldn’t dream of disturbing your Hello Kitty items…” (thinking: “damn, you’re getting better at this. That was one hell of a comeback!”)

wife: “So what you’re saying is that I can get it and you won’t touch it.”

me: “Right” (thinking: whew, that was a close one and no Hello Kitty sleeping bag and couch tonight)

It took me a few minutes to realize the Hello Kitty conversation had ended much too amicably and going through the conversation again, I began to wonder if I had just told her it was OK to buy a Hello Kitty sewing machine? Now I sit here in a classic Hello Kitty Hell quandary – if I bring up the subject again, I’ll likely end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag, but if I don’t say anything, I’m bound to find a Hello Kitty sewing machine transformer at our door soon (yes, even if I know it doesn’t exist, believe me, she’ll figure out a way to find one…) Another typical no win situation day in Hello Kitty Hell.

Thanks to linda (via something awful) who should have to buy a Hello Kitty transformer sewing machine and use it daily for bringing this to my wife’s attention…