Hello Kitty Menstrual Pantie Liners

Just when you believe you’ve seen it all, Hello Kitty reminds you that there is no bottom in the pit of Hello Kitty Hell. This, my friends, is when you know you have a true Hello Kitty fanatic on your hands. 99.9% of the population would look at these and simply say “WTF?!?” but to a Hello Kitty fanatic, something like this makes perfect sense and you receive a reply like this one from my wife: “What a cute idea, I want those” (I know, I know, you’re asking yourself “HOW is that a cute idea?!?” but it is useless to try and understand). So I present to you the Hello Kitty menstrual pantie liners:

Hello Kitty Menstrual Pads

Hello Kitty Menstrual Pantie Liners

Courtesy (I think) of fork in the comments via ebay

They also come in holiday themes:

Hello Kitty Halloween pads

Sent in by Xenaspanky

Hello Kitty Snowman (mail delivered)

I’m coming to the conclusion very quickly that Hello Kitty has an answer for everything in Hello Kitty Hell. Awhile back I wrote about Hello Kitty snowmen and how I would likely have to build one this winter with my wife. While you can’t say many things good about global warming, keeping temperatures in Japan warm enough this winter that we haven’t had any snow on the ground where I live (and thus no opportunity to build a Hello Kitty snowman) is one positive that everyone fails to mention in the discussions on the issue. In fact, I was giving myself better than average odds that I might escape 2007 Hello Kitty snowmanless…that was until…

Hello Kitty Snowman delivered by mail

What you are looking at above is a mail order Hello Kitty snowman…I kid you not, words fail me on this one. For a bit over $40 (4,800 yen) my wife has informed me that we can have a Hello Kitty snowman packed from snow in Hokkaido (Japan’s northern island) shipped to our front door via a refrigerated mail service truck (so it doesn’t melt along the way) and display it for all to see. The picture on the left is the actual Hello Kitty snowman once taken out of the Hello Kitty container ( shown on the right).

This, my friends, is Hello Kitty Hell at it’s finest. Not even global warming can stop her…

Hello Kitty Toilet Paper

Only in Hello Kitty Hell can a man be sent to the couch for the night for using the wrong toilet paper. Now, if you are in the bathroom and you finish up only to find that there is no toilet paper on the toilet paper roll, what do you do? All normal people (ie not Hello Kitty fanatics) reach for a new roll of toilet paper and that is the end of the issue, but I knew that things weren’t going to be quite that easy as soon as I realized that the only toilet paper I could find was Hello Kitty toilet paper.

While the rest of the world views toilet paper as just that, Hello Kitty fanatics view toilet paper as a display item. So I sat on the toilet pondering my predicament. I had two choices: 1) I could open the bathroom door, hobble down the hallway with my pants at my ankles desperately trying to salvage any dignity I had by covering up the best I could until I got to the storage closet where I knew we had non Hello Kitty toilet paper. I would then grab a roll, hobble back with my pants still around my ankles until I reached the bathroom where I could finally wipe myself properly. 2) I could grab a roll of Hello Kitty toilet paper right next to me, use it without losing any dignity, but have to face the Hello Kitty Hell wrath for actually using a Hello Kitty product the way it was supposed to be used.

For any regular person, the obvious choice is quick and simple, but not so in Hello Kitty Hell. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes passed with me still debating which was the lesser of two evils: humiliation & embarrassment or facing the wrath of a Hello Kitty fanatic. The tables were tipping in favor of the walk down the hall and I even opened the bathroom door, but realizing it was the dead of winter and there was no heating in the hallway, the tables quickly tipped back toward the Hello Kitty toilet paper. I must admit it took quite a bit of courage for me to finally decide that Hello Kitty toilet paper was going to be the choice (urged on by the fact that after 20 minutes of debating the issue, certain areas were beginning to crust…well, let’s just leave those gory details to your imagination…)

Now even the choice of Hello Kitty toilet paper didn’t free me to wipe away. I then had to choose which of the 4 patterns of Hello Kitty toilet paper we had I was going to use. Would it be the 1974 Hello Kitty Design:

Hello Kitty toilet paper - 1974 design

The 1977 Hello Kitty Design:

Hello Kitty toilet paper - 1977 design

The Berry / Flower Wreath Winking Hello Kitty Design:

Hello Kitty toilet paper - berry flower wreath design

The Tropical Flower Hello Kitty Design:

Hello Kitty toilet paper - topical flower design

This was far from an easy decision due to the fact that all the patterns came in pairs and the use of one would certainly unbalance the display. It took another 10 minutes before I came up with my brilliant idea: I would carefully open the Hello Kitty toilet paper, use a few sheets and then re-wrap it. Nobody would ever know, I’d keep my dignity and wouldn’t freeze my butt off (literally) and there would be no Hello Kitty fanatic wrath to face. Perfect…except…

I put my plan into motion and it worked perfectly. I congratulated myself for insightful thinking in an extremely delicate Hello Kitty Hell situation. I was still self-congratulating myself when:

wife: “Honnnney…”

me: “…” (thinking that doesn’t sound like the good “honey” but like the “You did something terrible honey”)

wife: “Honnnney, can you come here a minute…”

me: “Yes dear.” (thinking uh-oh, this is not going to be good)

wife: (looking into the bathroom) “There is something not quite right here…”

me: “Everything looks fine to me.” (thinking “woohoo, she can’t figure it out”)

wife: “Why is the Hello Kitty toilet paper out of order?”

me: “…” (thinking WTF??? Hello Kitty toilet paper has an order???)

wife: “They should all be in the order of their release. Why is the 1977 style Hello Kitty toilet paper placed before the 1974 style Hello Kitty toilet paper?”

me: (quick thinking) “Oh. I’m sorry. I accidentally bumped the shelf and they fell down and I just placed them back up.” (thinking “order??? why does everything Hello Kitty have to have an order???)

wife: (sighs) “You need to be more careful. You know that Hello kitty is precious.” (shakes her head as if talking to a 6 year old)

Then it happened. The instant she touched the roll that I had used, she knew. I still don’t understand what power Hello Kitty fanatics have that can make them instantly know that 5 squares off a full roll of toilet paper are missing just by the feel of the roll, but they can…and that is when the “you’re on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag” look came (I’d try to describe this look, but it would be useless. Think back to when you were a little kid and you did something that made your parents so mad that they couldn’t even speak. Multiply this by 1000 and you begin to see the tip of the iceberg on the “you’re on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag” look).

I must admit that I did get a bit of satisfaction out of being sent to the couch which is a rarity in Hello Kitty Hell. While a brief and fleeting moment, Hello Kitty got to see what I live with 24 / 7 when I took those 5 sheets of toilet paper and used them as they should properly be used…I should have used more.

Update: It should come as no surprise that the evil feline continues to come out with toilet paper in her image:

Sent in by ratbite

Hello Kitty pink bulk toilet paper

Sent in by Nat

Hello Kitty toilet paper

Sent in by Ashlin

Hello Kitty Tooth Cap

There have been a number of readers who have sent me photos of the Hello Kitty tooth cap, and while it certainly is strange, this is one of the few Hello Kitty items that really doesn’t put fear into my heart. The reason being that I would never have to see it. I mean, really, how many times do you look into the depths of someone’s mouth to check out their dental work? If my wife decides that she needs to have a Hello Kitty crown placed on one of her molars, I don’t think it would add to my Hello Kitty Hell.

Hello Kitty Tooth

That being said, I do have a great fear with Hello Kitty and teeth and I’m not sure that I should even mention it as it would likely give someone the idea (because there is undoubtedly some Hello Kitty fanatic that would do it) to actually do it and then inspire my wife. I’m just waiting for some rap star to sport a Hello Kitty grill. I can see someone with Hello Kitty in diamonds implanted into their front teeth and as soon as that happens, I know I will be in big trouble…

Thanks (I think) to rgpalacio, dtstan, hklove, Mackenzie and probably a few others I missed (apologies)

Hello Kitty Condom ???

Walking into the room after taking a short walk down to the grocery store, I went into my room to turn on the computer and saw a — “ummmm is that what I think it is?” — sitting right next to my computer. I stopped dead in my tracks at the door eyeing the small, square package from a distance. After my last post about babies and my ending comment about birth control, my immediate thought was that my wife had read the entry and had therefore left the little package next to my computer for me.

Now, of course, this brought about a huge mixture of feelings. First, it meant that I wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight which is always a good thing. But the more I thought about it, could one really have a romantic night while knowing where Hello Kitty was the whole time? I mean, there is something just really, really wrong with that image…

I know that they have made Badtz Maru condoms in the past and I have heard rumors that there are Hello Kitty condoms although I had never seen any in person (I’ve seen photos on other websites, but they all look to be photoshopped to me). Was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing?

Hello Kitty condom ???

On closer inspection, however, it turned out to be something completely different. What it actually turned out to be is Hello Kitty cheese. Now why they place the Hello Kitty cheese in packages that makes it look like a condom is anyone’s guess, but as you probably already know, I stopped trying to figure out anything Hello Kitty long ago.

Hello Kitty cheese

What’s more worrying is that my wife decided to bring me Hello Kitty food which I assume means she still has the “all Hello Kitty food” idea in her head. That, my friends, can mean nothing other than pure Hello Kitty Hell down the road…

Hello Kitty Gun

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

To everyone that visits Hello Kitty Hell on a regular basis, it’s time to take a seat and sit firmly down. I don’t want you falling over in shock like I did. Hello Kitty Hell isn’t quite freezing over, but there is a definite chill in the air. Yes, believe it or not, there was a Hello Kitty item that my wife saw that she was only lukewarm about and even uttered the words – okay, time to hold on tight because the earth may crack open and swallow us all to our deaths – “I don’t think I need that (Hello Kitty item)” Yes, I have been pinching myself all day wondering if it was all a wonderful dream that couldn’t possible be true and have bruises all over my arms to prove it.

The Hello Kitty item in question is a Hello Kitty gun which sent to me by readers Mackenzie and Dolores. I am assuming that both are photo shopped and aren’t real, but since my wife isn’t interested in them, this is one Hello Kitty item I really wish they did make.

Hello Kitty gun

Hello Kitty gun

wife: “Hello Kitty doesn’t kill things.”

me: “You could use it for target practice.”

wife: “What would I shoot for targets?”

me: (smile on my face) “hmmm, I don’t know. I’m sure we could find something around the house.”

wife: (no smile on face) “I hope you aren’t suggesting what I think you are.”

It was at this point that I was glad that she didn’t have the Hello Kitty gun as it would have probably been used on me…

But besides that little incident, there have been nothing but sunny skies in Hello Kitty Hell with the historic even of her not wanting something Hello Kitty. I will have to savor this as I predict it is a once in a lifetime event and tomorrow will return to the Hello Kitty Hell I have known for so long.

Hello Kitty Venus

Yikes! I unfortunately opened this photo sent from kittylv as my wife was looking over my shoulder.

Hello Kitty Venus statue

wife: “I want one of those!!!”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “Why the hell would you want one of those?!?)

wife: “Wouldn’t look just perfect in our entry way?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “It’s a trick question. Don’t say anything. She really doesn’t want to know.”)

wife: “See, Kitty can be both cute and beautiful, don’t your think?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “It’s another trick question. Don’t say anything. She really doesn’t want to know.”)

wife: “Why are you being so quiet all of a sudden?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “hey, this is working. Don’t say anything and don’t get into trouble!)

wife: “It’s because you don’t like it, right? Right?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “uh oh, this is not turning out quite as well as I thought it would…”

wife: “You still don’t appreciate the love and beauty of Hello Kitty. You can’t see her heart, otherwise you would be as happy as I am. I’m going to bed.”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “Damn, on the couch again with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag – remember next time that silence doesn’t work with Hello Kitty fanatics”)


Apparently, Sanrio actually had a Hello Kitty Venus de Milo statue commissioned for the 30th anniversary of Hello Kitty in 2004 (much like the Hello Kitty Crop Circle – I certainly hope I die before the 50th anniversary arrives) which they named “Hello de Milo” (makes me sick just saying it…)

Hello Kitty Venus statue

Luckily me wife wasn’t in the room when I found this or she would want both in our entry way…

Hello Kitty Love Hotel Bondage

There is Hello Kitty Hell and then there is Hello Kitty HELL – I have nightmares about something like this. The Morning News ran an article about Japanese Love Hotels with photos including the following of a Hello Kitty S & M room:

Hello Kitty Love Hotel

Hello Kitty Love Hotel Bondage

I can think of nothing worse (although I’m sure my wife will think of something) than being chained down to a Hello Kitty covered bed with Hello Kitty all around. My wife, seeing these photos, has decided that we must go to this love hotel since it is located in Osaka which is fairly near to us – I am hoping (most likely futilely) that the hotel has gone out of business since the photos are dated 2004. I’m not sure even I would be able to recover from a Hello Kitty Hell experience like that…

Photo Source: The Morning News

Hello Kitty Tombstone

I received the following email from a reader named Shane the other day:

Just wanted to give you some insite before it was to late and you are damned to eternity within hello kitty hell. I would suggest you go and pick out your casket and head stone now plus set in your will that these are the things you want to be your last will and testament. The chances that there are Hello Kitty tombstones and caskets are likely. So that you won’t have to spend the only time you will have without Hello Kitty staring at the monogrammed liner of a Hello Kitty casket and sleeping on your plush Hello Kitty pillow.

At first I chuckled to myself and that this was extreme even by Hello Kitty Hell standards, but as the day wore on, I couldn’t shake what he said and I started to get nervous. What if there really were Hello Kitty tombstones and caskets?

To my utter dismay it didn’t take me long to find a Hello Kitty Tombstone and having lived in Japan, I can confirm that it truly is a real gravestone:

Hello Kitty Tombstone
Photo courtesy of Greg from Greg.org

While I wasn’t able to unearth any photos of Hello Kitty coffins, it isn’t unreasonable to agree with Shane that they probably do exist if the tombstones exist.

This realization that once I leave this world, I still may not be free from my Hello Kitty Hell (just think about it – being buried in a Hello Kitty casket with Hello Kitty guarding your grave – this is the scariest story I’ve heard the entire Halloween season!) has thrown the entire Hello Kitty Hell purgatory to a whole new dimension. I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

I would like to thank Shane for looking out for me and thinking about the future. It goes to show that Hello Kitty fanantics can’t be trusted to leave any item untouched…

post script: just as I was about to post this:

wife walks in: what’s that?

me: Nothing (trying to get the Hello Kitty tombstone off the computer screen)

wife: Oh, what a great idea! It’s sooooo cute. I want one of those. Then we can also order a Dear Daniel one too and we can be with them for eternity…

Hello Kitty Hell for eternity…I think it’s time I go and change my will…

Hello Kitty Crop Circle

It didn’t take long for photos to begin showing up in my mailbox. In fact, there are a bunch in there and some I’m downright afraid that my wife will see so much so that I actually put a password on the file. There are just some things she should not see for my sanity…

One of the submissions was of a 2004 Hello Kitty crop circle that was made as part of the 30th anniversary of Hello Kitty. While this photo is a couple of years old and both my wife and I have seen it, I do still remember when it first came out:

Hello Kitty crop circle

Hello Kitty crop circle in field

wife: Look, a Hello Kitty crop circle

me: Please don’t tell me you think aliens did it…

wife: No, it’s a promotion from Sanrio to celebrate Hello Kitty’s 30th anniversary.

me: Why would you build a crop circle to do that?

wife: Because Sanrio knows that if aliens did visit the earth, they would be filled with the heart of Hello Kitty.

me: You’re kidding, right? Please tell me you’re kidding…

wife: Hello Kitty brings joy to people no matter where they are. Whether they are on earth or in the sky looking down on earth. I think we should fly to go and see it.

me: We are not going to fly half way around the world to see a crop circle of Hello Kitty

The conversation continued along those lines for the next week and about how much I didn’t appreciate the love that Hello Kitty brings to people. While this episode should be long over, I’m afraid I will not be able to forget the crop circle for the rest of my life. This is because every time that my wife sees this particular Hello Kitty crop circle photo, she flashes back to that time to remind my how I don’t appreciate Hello Kitty as much as I should. Not to mention refusing to go and see the crop circle (there was a time that I actually stood my ground…ah, those days when I was still young and naive…)

Of course, this photo being sent to my mail, and my wife getting a glimpse of it, teleported us back to the original conversation which appears to have heated the temperature in my Hello Kitty Hell. To make up for my wife missing out on the crop circle, she heavily hinted that a Hello Kitty Airplane ride was in order.

Any suggestions how I’m going to get myself out of that???

Hat tip (circlemakers.org via ojuang)