Hello Kitty Ferris Wheel

I always know when I receive photos like these that it’s going to be another Hello Kitty Hellish day. It’s not like my wife doesn’t already have a hundred Hello Kitty reasons to want to visit Taiwan. Between the Hello Kitty plane and airport, the Hello Kitty hotel, the Hello Kitty pastry shop and Hello Kitty hospital, there are already far too many reasons to go there for my taste, but then Hello Kitty can never stop at anything. Thus, another attraction to add to my wife’s list is the Hello Kitty Ferris wheel:

Hello Kitty Ferris wheel

Hello Kitty Ferris wheel

Hello Kitty Ferris wheel

My wife somehow thinks that a ride in a Hello Kitty Ferris wheel would be romantic (but then for some reason, all Hello Kitty fanatics think anything Hello Kitty is romantic). The fact is, there is nothing that would be less romantic than having to ride in around and around inside the bowels of the evil while people all around scream in high pitched voices about how “cute” the entirely disgusting scene is. Unfortunately, this has been added to her Hello kitty travel list, so I will undoubtedly get to experience the torture first hand someday in the future which only increases the torment here in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Sherry who should have to live the rest of her life trapped in one of those Ferris wheel compartments for even thinking for a second that sending these photos to me would be a good idea….

Hello Kitty ATM Bank

Now that it is holiday shopping season (at least to Sanrio which officially launched the Christmas selling season a few days ago in Japan), my wife is drooling at all the new stuff being launched. Another of the many embarrassing things about living in Hello Kitty Hell is that gifts to friends and relatives often come with the evil pink feline on them. I no longer even try to explain — when they shoot me that look of “what the hell is this monstrosity?” I simply give them my “hey, I’m living in Hello Kitty Hell and I have no idea how to explain any of it” look, which, now that I think about it, really should come with a lot more tears and sobbing than it does. I know that I’m going to have to be practicing this look a lot this holiday season as my wife looks at all the things she wants to give as gifts. Her first priority is for my sister’s kids, and she has her eyes set on a Hello Kitty ATM bank:

Hello Kitty ATM bank

Hello Kitty ATM Bank Cash Card

My understanding of a bank is a place to save money, but Hello Kitty obviously can’t promote saving when there is so much of her Hello Kittified merchandise that needs to be bought. Thus, the Hello Kitty ATM bank comes with a “Hello Kitty cash card” so you can take out your money just as easy as you put it in. This seems to be the perfect illustration of how she digs her merchandising claws into Hello Kitty fanatics from the earliest of ages and then never lets go – thus laying the foundation to create the Hello Kitty Hell I live in today for many more unfortunate souls in the future…

Hello Kitty Slinky

When I first saw this, I thought I might have some fun making it go down long flights of stairs until it eventually showed the wear and tear of countless missteps along the way. No such luck because it isn’t a Hello Kitty slinky:

Hello Kitty slinky

but a Hello Kitty letter holder. So instead of getting to rough Hello Kitty up, I have to see her each day as my wife has decided to place all my mail into it when it comes. Just like Hello Kitty Hell to give me a glimmer of hope that I could actually abuse Hello Kitty, and then have the hope quickly taken away…

Hello Kitty Transformer

In her undying quest to be involved in anything pop culture, Hello Kitty has morphed into a Hello Kitty sewing machine transformer:

Hello Kitty transformer

My wife thinks this is “the greatest thing ever” (but then everything Hello Kitty is the greatest thing ever – no point trying to argue that it is impossible for everything to be “the greatest thing ever” at the same time, because while normal people know this makes absolutely no sense, we once again find that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t care) and wants one for herself.

wife: “I want one of those. It’s the greatest thing ever!”

me: “I don’t think it’s real…”

wife: “You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to get one. Just like the Hello Kitty car tail pipe.”

me: “no, that’s not true…” (thinking: “this is bad…I’m never going to be able to use that trick again…”)

wife: “It’s a toy you would like. I’ll let you play with it too.”

me: “That’s funny…” (accidentally laughing out loud thinking: “this is the person who sent me to the couch for a week because I used Hello Kitty toilet paper properly…”)

wife: “You don’t believe me!?” (with the Hello Kitty Hell look starting to sparkle in her eye – me thinking: “uh oh, this is not good…abandon ship…get out of this conversation as quickly as possible”)

me: (stammering trying to recover) “no…no, that’s not what I meant at all. What I meant was that I know how valuable everything Hello Kitty is to you and wouldn’t dream of disturbing your Hello Kitty items…” (thinking: “damn, you’re getting better at this. That was one hell of a comeback!”)

wife: “So what you’re saying is that I can get it and you won’t touch it.”

me: “Right” (thinking: whew, that was a close one and no Hello Kitty sleeping bag and couch tonight)

It took me a few minutes to realize the Hello Kitty conversation had ended much too amicably and going through the conversation again, I began to wonder if I had just told her it was OK to buy a Hello Kitty sewing machine? Now I sit here in a classic Hello Kitty Hell quandary – if I bring up the subject again, I’ll likely end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag, but if I don’t say anything, I’m bound to find a Hello Kitty sewing machine transformer at our door soon (yes, even if I know it doesn’t exist, believe me, she’ll figure out a way to find one…) Another typical no win situation day in Hello Kitty Hell.

Thanks to linda (via something awful) who should have to buy a Hello Kitty transformer sewing machine and use it daily for bringing this to my wife’s attention…

Hello Kitty Tar Art

It only happens once in a blue moon, but it does happen when I least expect it. Something Hello Kitty gets sent to me that makes me believe that there might be light at the end of the Hello Kitty Hell tunnel. Something that makes me think, well, maybe, just maybe, this Hello Kitty Hell day won’t be like all the rest. This happens when I get a photo like this:

Hello Kitty tar art

wife: “Who would have such a cruel heart to ever do such an evil thing like that to Hello Kitty? It makes me want to cry.”

me: “oh, yes, that is terrible.” (thinking: Hell Yeah, where are the feathers!!!)

Thanks to John (via Mattia Biagi) who deserves a beer for bringing a smile to my face in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Pullip

It really doesn’t matter if my wife has any idea what the thing is, if it has Hello kitty on it, then she has to have it. Thus when she saw the Hello Kitty Pullip figure, she wanted it right away:

Hello Kitty Pullip

I took one look at the style and it immediately reminded me of the Hello Kitty cat fashion which is always a bad sign. Knowing how Hello Kitty Hell works, it won’t be long before everything, including me, is fitted with a Hello Kitty head like this.

My wife thinks it’s the cutest thing ever and that it would make an excellent Halloween costume: “We can get one of Hello Kitty and one of Dear Daniel and go out as a pair. It will be so lovely.” Not exactly the words I would use to describe that image, but the scariest part (and the sure sign I am living in Hello Kitty Hell) was in that split second moment, when the words “Dear Daniel” left her lips, I was actually relieved. I know, I know, it’s the difference between being roasted alive over a open fire “slowly” and being roasted over a fire at a “snail-like” pace — both painful beyond belief with no noticeable different to the observer, but at that moment I actually thought she was going to say I had to be Hello Kitty, too. Now how utterly pathetic is that?

Thanks to kaoko for the image. She should have to wear one of these Hello kitty hoods around at all times…

Hello Kitty Vibrator Light Sabre

There are a lot of things that are wrong with Hello Kitty, but sometimes my wife shows me items that are just wrong on so many levels. The Hello Kitty Darth Vader is one of them which will have most Star Wars fans rolling in their graves long after they die. Then there is the Hello Kitty vibrator which, again, is just plain wrong on so many levels it’s difficult to even know where to begin list all the problems. So what would someone do to top either of these? Make a Hello Kitty vibrator light sabre of course:

Hello Kitty Star Wars Light Sabre

Now imagine the Hello Kitty Darth Vader holding a Hello Kitty vibrator light sabre getting ready to…well, what exactly would Darth Vader do with one of those?!? And if you begin to think about this, you pretty much get a clear idea of what’s so, so, so wrong with Hello Kitty (except if you’re a Hello Kitty fanatic like my wife to which you say, “That is soooo cute! Star Wars would have been an infinitely much better movie if all the characters had pink Hello Kitty light sabres.”)

The day has hardly begun and my head is already aching. It’s when I see photos like this that I know the day has all the makings of a truly Hello Kitty Hellish day…

Thanks to greg (via comicbookgirl.com) who should have to face the wrath of all Star Wars fans for pointing out the existence of this item.

Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch Purse

One of the many traits of Hello Kitty is that she will adopt and ruin the coolest of things in order to brand them the Hello Kitty way. That is exactly what she decided to do when making the Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch:

Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch Purse

These were totally cool toys when I was a kid and to see a Hello Kitty version of it just makes me sick to my stomach. Worse, they didn’t just brand a Etch-A-Sketch with Hello Kitty, but actually put it on a purse to try and make it into a fashion statement. I don’t know if I should be more upset with Etch-A-Sketch for selling out or Sanrio for even conceiving such an idea.

Of course, my wife had to get one the moment she saw it. “Won’t it be so cute to be able to draw pictures when I’m sitting around bored? I can even Etch-A-Sketch Hello Kitty!” Just thinking about her in the Hello Kitty plush dress, wearing Hello Kitty high heels and carry this Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch bag while going to the Hello Kitty musical pretty much is an ultimate image of Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Barbie

While nothing should ever mix with Hello Kitty, some things mixing are worse than others. My wife was overjoyed to get this bit of news: Hello Kitty Barbie is coming. I’m praying that it is a one off deal and not an extended series because Barbie and Hello Kitty all over the house might put me over the edge (yeah, I know, I’m already there)

Hello Kitty Barbie

You know when the press release statement makes you want to vomit that it isn’t going to be good:

Hello Kitty, now loved by girls and celebrities not only in Japan but also in the world, and Barbie, universally admired by women as a high-fashion avatar of girls’ dreams will be together.

Unfortunately, I know my wife will be getting as many as possible since it is a limited edition worldwide run. Apparently only 1500 of the Hello Kitty Barbie will be made. When combinations like this are announced, I know that the people at Sanrio are coming to this blog and laughing…

Emailed from Tyra who deserves to have to play with Hello Kitty Barbies for the rest of her life for tipping off my wife about these…

Update: Did you really think that they would stop at one?

hello kitty barbie

Sent in by Fei