Uncategorized – Page 85 – Hello Kitty Hell

Kitty Cat (more)

July 26, 2007 by onezero

We all hoped, prayed and basically got down on our knees and begged that the Hello Kitty cat was an aberration – a Hello Kitty marketing attempt that was woefully wrong that nobody would ever purchase. It wasn’t possible that there were actually Hello Kitty fanatics out there (beyond my wife) that would be willing to humiliate their cats, right? Oh, how wrong non Hello Kitty fanatics can be…

Thanks to jean (via Gizmodo Japan) who should be forced to wear these outfits along with the cats for sending this to me…

Update: Apparently there are more cats planning their owner’s death out there:

Sent in by Fei

"Maneki Neko" Crystal Doll

July 26, 2007 by onezero

While my wife wants this $66,000 (8 million yen) crystal glass doll, it’s a bit out of her price range which leads me to believe that we should take a vow of poverty (thus making all Hello Kitty goods too expensive for us to purchase)

While making a $66,000 crystal glass doll out of 62,000 Swarovski crystal beads is insane in itself (it shouldn’t come as a surprise that this is currently on display with the Hello Kitty Doghouse at the Mitsukoshi department store in Tokyo), the truly pathetic part is that the reason they made it is because someone is going to buy it (which would be my wife if she could). Since Hello Kitty is posed as a manekineko (a good money fortune symbol in Japan), she believes that if she can get it, more riches will come her way (which is all the more reason I’m happy she can’t afford it).

While it has already been well established that Hello Kitty items are useless, what in Hello Kitty Hell are you going to do with a $66,000 crystal Hello Kitty? Place it in your home entrance and wait for some kid to come over and knock it to the ground and shatter it (hmmm, remind me to suggest to my wife to place it there if she ever decides she can afford one). I mean, at least with the Hello kitty Ferrari you have something to drive around (although admittedly, you can never show your face to any of your friends for the rest of your life…)

Even though my wife will not purchase it, that doesn’t mean that I get to escape from it in Hello Kitty Hell. All I’m going to do is hear about how “beautiful and cute” it is and “if we only had the money for it” for the next week or until some other Hello Kitty items diverts her attention – either way, it only means more Hello Kitty Hell in the future.

Thanks to Kelly who passed this along and should be forced to spend all her money on something like this for even considering sending to me…

Aly & AJ Tour

July 25, 2007 by onezero

My ears are ringing with pain at just the thought of this – a tween pop duo with Hello Kitty electric guitars being sponsored by Hello Kitty to go on tour known as Aly & AJ. Never heard of them? Neither has my wife, but since they are touring around in a Hello Kitty themed bus and sponsored by Sanrio, my wife assumes (it is never good to go on the assumed advice of a Hello Kitty fanatic unless you are looking for a good reason to quickly end your life, which will be provided countless times and in ways far too cruel for you to ever imagine) that they must be good:

When Hello Kitty decides to sponsor your tour and gives you all kinds of Hello Kitty crap to fill your bus, there is no doubt that there are going to be way too many Hello Kitty fanatics in attendance. I also imagine that their music sounds like the Hello Kitty theme song trying to be morphed into tween pop rock which pretty much means that, unless you are a Hello Kitty fanatic, you’d much rather be holding a plugged in toaster while taking a bath since this would likely be only a fraction as painful. Worse yet, my wife will likely start playing their music over and over again on her Hello Kitty speakers just to drive out the last bit of sanity that might have prevailed…

So the Hello Kitty Hell question of the month is, would attending one of their concerts be worse than attending the Hello Kitty musical? (this is the finest example of Hello Kitty Hell – trying to decide which of two events to attend knowing that both will likely force you to suicide in a manner of seconds after either of the shows start). I think I’ll go and get that toaster now and jump into the bath…

Thanks to Peter who should have to listen to every one of their Hello Kitty concerts for bringing this to the attention of my wife…

Bong

July 22, 2007 by onezero

Hmmmm, this Hello Kitty mod is taking Hello Kitty’s main goal in life of alternating everyone’s state of mind to a whole new level – the Hello Kitty bong:

When I saw this, I mentioned to my wife that I would not be surprised if Sanrio is in the process of developing a Hello Kitty brand of pot that would help alter people’s perception to instantly fall in love with Hello Kitty.

To which my wife responded with a smile, “It’s not needed. We are all high on Hello Kitty just the way she is” — and that, my friends, typifies the Hello Kitty Hell I live in…

Thanks to way too many readers (via two twenty) who obviously must be smoking the stuff to spend so much time looking for Hello Kitty crap to email to me…

Update: another Hello Kitty bong photo left by jennell in the comments:

Left in the comments by Harlock

Sent in by Jean [apparently there is now a retail line…]

Close-ups left by filipetadamassa on twitter

Sent in by james (via friend without the r)

Sent in by Lorie

Sent in by Pearly

Hello Kitty Halo

July 21, 2007 by onezero

More proof that Hello Kitty has to Hello Kittify everything she comes in contact with (and that no matter how wrong it is to modify something, Hello Kitty will still lay claim to it), including first person shooting computer games:

Of course, my wife thinks that this is a positive thing (I know, I know — it is impossible to see how this could ever be a positive thing to any normal human being, but you have to remember that Hello Kitty fanatics have a warped sense of what Hello Kitty can do): “Doesn’t it look sooooo much better? By Hello Kitty giving Halo her heart, those who play the game will be given a kindness that only Hello Kitty can give.” (?!? ummmm, it’s a game with the goal of killing everything in site…)

The sad fact here is that upon seeing this latest Hello Kittification, I wasn’t even surprised in the least bit which goes to show that Hello Kitty Hell has begun to numb my senses…and that is exactly what scares me most about Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Nic who should be forced to live with Hello Kitty Halo images every night in her dreams for sending this to me…

Hello Kitty Tar Art

July 20, 2007 by onezero

It only happens once in a blue moon, but it does happen when I least expect it. Something Hello Kitty gets sent to me that makes me believe that there might be light at the end of the Hello Kitty Hell tunnel. Something that makes me think, well, maybe, just maybe, this Hello Kitty Hell day won’t be like all the rest. This happens when I get a photo like this:

wife: “Who would have such a cruel heart to ever do such an evil thing like that to Hello Kitty? It makes me want to cry.”

me: “oh, yes, that is terrible.” (thinking: Hell Yeah, where are the feathers!!!)

Thanks to John (via Mattia Biagi) who deserves a beer for bringing a smile to my face in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Pullip

July 20, 2007 by onezero

It really doesn’t matter if my wife has any idea what the thing is, if it has Hello kitty on it, then she has to have it. Thus when she saw the Hello Kitty Pullip figure, she wanted it right away:

I took one look at the style and it immediately reminded me of the Hello Kitty cat fashion which is always a bad sign. Knowing how Hello Kitty Hell works, it won’t be long before everything, including me, is fitted with a Hello Kitty head like this.

My wife thinks it’s the cutest thing ever and that it would make an excellent Halloween costume: “We can get one of Hello Kitty and one of Dear Daniel and go out as a pair. It will be so lovely.” Not exactly the words I would use to describe that image, but the scariest part (and the sure sign I am living in Hello Kitty Hell) was in that split second moment, when the words “Dear Daniel” left her lips, I was actually relieved. I know, I know, it’s the difference between being roasted alive over a open fire “slowly” and being roasted over a fire at a “snail-like” pace — both painful beyond belief with no noticeable different to the observer, but at that moment I actually thought she was going to say I had to be Hello Kitty, too. Now how utterly pathetic is that?

Thanks to kaoko for the image. She should have to wear one of these Hello kitty hoods around at all times…

Hello Kitty Armoured Personnel Carrier

July 19, 2007 by onezero

It seems that Sanrio has teamed up with the military to bring the scariest military vehicle that anyone could imagine:

Hello Kitty, in her quest at world domination, has moved up from the Hello Kitty Ferrari and other Hello Kitty cars and is now producing armoured personnel carriers for the Army (although this is a photoshopped model of what is to come). My wife loves the idea. “If everyone drove around in Hello Kitty vehicles like that, there would only be love and peace in the world.”

It’s hard to argue with logic like that except for the fact that the casualty rate would likely be much higher if the Army started exclusively using these. The Hello Kitty armoured personnel carrier would effectively nauseate the enemy into submission with many of them killing themselves to avoid the extreme pain. I know that’s exactly what I would end up doing…

Photo courtesy of SofaShark from his flickr photos

Hello Kitty Virtual World

July 18, 2007 by onezero

Yikes! It seems that my wife doesn’t want me to only suffer in Hello Kitty Hell in this world, but also in a virtual Hello Kitty world (yes, you read that correctly…I’ll excuse you as you run to the bathroom and vomit). Somehow my wife thinks that because I spend most of my day on the computer that I would “love” to be part of a Hello Kitty online community game where “thousands of players that live and participate in Hello Kitty’s magical and cute online world.”

Send over the Hello Kitty table setting so I can stab Hello Kitty forks into my eyes and slash my wrists with Hello Kitty knives because that would be infinitely less painful that having to deal with thousands of Hello Kitty fanatics in a virtual world (although I think it would be a great place for the Hello Kitty whiners to gather instead of on this blog). Sit back and make sure any device that could be used to harm yourself is well out of reach before reading this game description:

Hello Kitty and friends welcome you to the exciting and fantastic Hello Kitty World! This is the first-ever online game platform featuring the all-time-favorite Hello Kitty characters from Sanrio!

Hello Kitty World will allow thousands of players to live and participate in Hello Kitty’s magical and cute online world. You will be able to roam the streets of Kitty Kingdom, XO Federation, and Melody-land. Enjoy the beautiful landscape and architecture of Puroland or Badtzcity and participate in numerous puzzles, story lines, or adventures lead by the worldwide community of Hello Kitty World subscribers. You can even have a successful career, open different shops, earn and spend Sanrio Dollars in your bank, buy a house, and trade with other players around the vast game world.

In the beginning of the game, there are three countries: Kitty Kingdom, XO Federation, and Melody-land. Each country has three cities, its own architecture style, and specialized products.

Kitty Kingdom is a humanity country with a wealth of beautiful arts and crafts.

XO Federation is a modern country with the updated and blatant entertainment facilities.

Melody-land is a country with beautiful landscape and rich natural resources.

Players may travel between countries and cities by plane, ship, car or train. Players can also adventure in the game world for many theme parks, hidden ancient relics, and other interesting findings. Since each country specializes in the production of only certain products, Players in each country will be encourage to trade and exchange products with other Players. The three countries will compete with each other in terms of trade, sports and academic. Starting the game at the same point, the fate and prosperity of each country lies in the hands of the Players living in the country.

I already know the fate of our world — if games like this are actually dreamed up as being a good way to spend time, we are all doomed to Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to fishy kitty for the link who should have to spend the rest of her life in the Hello Kitty virtual world as punishment…

Update: If there was any doubt about how Hello Kitty sees herself, this should dispell that — also from the game:

These Sanrio characters are the only ones not controlable by you. They are the main theme and “God” of one Nation. For example, in Hello Kitty World, Hello Kitty reigns supreme as the overseer of the land. With her guidance, love and happiness is abound and people are able to live in the cute land of Kitty Kingdom in Hello Kitty World. Hello Kitty will be there during your important occasions to bless and help you. Hello Kitty will also arrive to give guidance and new missions to residents of her world.

Emergency Gadget

July 16, 2007 by onezero

With a number of natural disasters hitting Japan lately, my wife decided that we needed to do some better preparation in case something happened in our area. While I agreed that was an excellent idea, I also knew that it would likely become a Hello Kitty Hell nightmare. Since my wife has already bought us Hello Kitty fire extinguishers, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know what else she would find in her preparation of our safety. It didn’t take long before she decided we both needed one of these:

Hello Kitty has decided that the world needs a high tech version of the Swiss army knife for a generation that has more important things to do than open a can in an emergency. What is a person to do if their cell phone battery dies?

Sanrio’s solution is to create a 126 gram emergency gadget that does the following for the high tech world we live in:

1. USB cell phone recharger

2. LED Flashlight

3. AM/FM radio

4. hazard siren

5. compass

It can also be used with a 9v battery

Of course, my wife feels that it is not only necessary for her to carry one of these around, but I should also carry one in case of an emergency.

wife: “Hello Kitty will always be there to save you!”

me: … (thinking: this must be part of the Hello Kitty Hell conspiracy – instead of letting me just die and putting me out of my misery, Hello Kitty will come to my rescue so that I have to endure more Hello Kitty Hell to the point of trying to commit suicide, where once again Hello Kitty will come to the rescue and we’ll start all over again…)

I have to say that there really is nothing more unmanly than going into a store and taking the change out of your pocket to pay for something, and have a Hello Kitty gadget flop out on the counter. The store clerk looks at the gadget, then looks at you, then looks back at the gadget, then again at you with a look of “are you some kind of pervert?” It doesn’t matter how hard you try to explain the reason you have it, anything you say just makes you look more pathetic…

I think that I Hello Kitty Hell will be more bearable if I take my chances of an untimely death rather than continue to carry this around…