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Hello Kitty Batman Tattoo

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In keeping with the superhero theme, my wife had this tattoo emailed to her in her continued search for the perfect Hello Kitty tattoo for herself.

(Photo removed on request)

While I think Hello Kitty tattoos are wrong in general and anyone who ever considers getting one should have to do so with the Hello Kitty Vibrator Tattoo Gun Mod, having my wife consider one placed in that particular area of her body would be a Hello Kitty Hell disaster. It’s bad enough that I have to find Hello Kitty underneath the first layer of clothing, but to have her staring directly at me once all the layers are off would bring Hello Kitty Hell to an all new level.

While I could go into 1000 reasons why this particular Hello Kitty tattoo is also horrendous, the truth is that any Hello Kitty tattoo plastered across my wife’s chest is going to be a complete nightmare. The last thing that I want is to be in the mood and have to deal with Hello Kitty staring directly at me knowing that I must complement my wife on the Hello Kitty tattoo or face the repercussion that I will be to be sent to the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag. I fear that this is the Hello Kitty Hell future that lies ahead…

Thanks to kittyfan3 who should be forced to get a similar tattoo and listen to that same music each day for the rest of her life…

Hello Kitty Superman

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I’ve mentioned before that Hello Kitty doesn’t like to stay in her domain, but instead intrudes into other popular cultural areas and tries to Hello Kittify them. This usually doesn’t go over too well with the fans of that particular area, but Hello Kitty fanatics think that it’s the most wonderful thing in the world (and assume that everyone feels the same way). It is because of things like this that we get the Hello Kitty Darth Vader or the Hello Kitty Star Trek Klingon. So it should be no surprise that Hello Kitty fanatics also created a Hello Kitty Superman:

Hello Kitty Superman

While obviously a poorly done photoshop job, my wife still thinks it’s great. Her opinion is that “the goodness of Hello Kitty inside Superman would make the best superhero of all time!” (as if Superman weren’t already good) while the rest of us look at it shaking our heads in unbelieving disgust. My wife actually said she would buy a Hello Kitty superman doll if they made one which scares me because I’m sure that Sanrio is probably considering doing so…

You definitely know you’re in Hello Kitty Hell when superheros are supposedly better when they morph with Hello Kitty…

Sent in by way, way too many people — you all need to get more of a life and all your superheros should come Hello Kittified in the future as your punishment…

Hello Kitty Plush Dress (again)

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There is a lot about Hello Kitty that scares me, and then there are Hello Kitty items that absolutely petrify me:

Hello Kitty plush dress

Apparently the Hello Kitty plush couture dress didn’t remain on the runway. It takes something pretty hideous that is able to both terrify and be just plain wrong at the same time. How anyone, including Hello Kitty fanatics, could still think this is a “cute idea” after seeing a photo like this is beyond me (but then again, so is all the Hello Kitty stuff). I’m going to be having Hello Kitty Hell nightmares tonight…

Thanks to darren who located this photo and should be forced to date someone that wears this dress weekly for terrifying me with it…

Hello Kitty Cat

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I feel sorry for all cats that are owned by Hello Kitty fanatics because it’s things like this which they have to look forward to in their life:

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Yes, it’s a “turn your cat into Hello Kitty” kit and runs about $150. If cats have nightmares, this is exactly what they are made of. My wife was giggling like a little school girl when she found it and all I could do was look at our cats and think, “well, enjoy life now because you don’t know what’s coming to devestate it in a few days…”

It’s not often that I think that Hello Kitty Hell could be worse, but at least my wife is not dressing me up in outfits like that (yet…….)

Thanks to kaori who should have to wear an outfit like this for bringing it to the attention of my wife…

Hello Kitty Golf Putter

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One of the worst aspects of living with a Hello Kitty fanatic is that you never know what Hello Kitty items are going to end up in your stuff. This is bad enough when you catch the fact before it has a chance to unexpectedly surprise you, but there are times when the addition goes undetected until the moment when it completely humiliates you. That is exactly what happened yesterday when I went golfing with a few friends.

It’s already bad enough that I have to play with Hello Kitty golf balls. The jokes are pretty much non stop every time I pull out a ball to tee off and no matter how tough you look, playing golf with Hello Kitty golf balls is going lower your manliness in the eyes of everyone that sees you by a few thousand percent.

So I made the Hello Kitty Hell mistake of believing it couldn’t get any worse. You know those dreams you have where you are in some crowded public place in your underwear or with no clothes on and you are completely mortified? That only begins to describe how I felt when we approached the green on the first hole and I went to pull out my putter to find it had been replaced with this:

Hello Kitty golf putter

Hello Kitty golf putter

Hello Kitty golf putter

Hello Kitty golf putter

Hello Kitty golf putter

Apparently my wife decided that she needed a Hello Kitty putter (no, of course she doesn’t play golf) for the one time every 5 years we play miniature golf and decided the best place to keep it would be in my golf bag (don’t ask, but it apparently makes perfect sense to a Hello Kitty fanatic). Since there was no reason to have two putters in a golf bag, she took out my putter and placed it with my older clubs in the garage (again, no normal person would ever think of doing this, but apparently this is the most logical course of action to take if you are a Hello Kitty fanatic). Thus the only thing I had to putt with was a Hello Kitty putter.

From the way my friends reacted, there doesn’t seem to be anything funnier than watching a grown man walk onto a green and put with a Hello Kitty putter, but they have informed me that I am the “cutest” male golfer they have ever seen. Great — exactly how I want to be perceived in life. The scariest thing? It was just another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Vibrator Light Sabre

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There are a lot of things that are wrong with Hello Kitty, but sometimes my wife shows me items that are just wrong on so many levels. The Hello Kitty Darth Vader is one of them which will have most Star Wars fans rolling in their graves long after they die. Then there is the Hello Kitty vibrator which, again, is just plain wrong on so many levels it’s difficult to even know where to begin list all the problems. So what would someone do to top either of these? Make a Hello Kitty vibrator light sabre of course:

Hello Kitty Star Wars Light Sabre

Now imagine the Hello Kitty Darth Vader holding a Hello Kitty vibrator light sabre getting ready to…well, what exactly would Darth Vader do with one of those?!? And if you begin to think about this, you pretty much get a clear idea of what’s so, so, so wrong with Hello Kitty (except if you’re a Hello Kitty fanatic like my wife to which you say, “That is soooo cute! Star Wars would have been an infinitely much better movie if all the characters had pink Hello Kitty light sabres.”)

The day has hardly begun and my head is already aching. It’s when I see photos like this that I know the day has all the makings of a truly Hello Kitty Hellish day…

Thanks to greg (via comicbookgirl.com) who should have to face the wrath of all Star Wars fans for pointing out the existence of this item.

Hello Kitty Open Letter To Children

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I know that there are others out there living in Hello Kitty Hell. Most suffer in silence only to be found in statistics (I figure at least 95% of the suicides in the world can be directly attributed to Hello Kitty in one way or another). There are, however, rare occasions when others in Hello Kitty Hell break out of their chains and announce to the world what living with Hello Kitty is truly like.

It is with complete sympathy that I read Goodbye Kitty – an open letter to my darling daughter knowing that as bad as it sounds, it will only get worse (and what Hello Kitty Hell will be like for me when we have children) as she grows older and wants even more Hello Kitty goods. He’ll be in my thoughts tonight as I raise a beer to a suffering kindred spirit…

Thanks to Violet who emailed me the link and suggested that “you and this guy should get together for a beer. or twelve.” Why stop there? I’m thinking a keg still won’t be enough to drown out the pain…

Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch Purse

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One of the many traits of Hello Kitty is that she will adopt and ruin the coolest of things in order to brand them the Hello Kitty way. That is exactly what she decided to do when making the Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch:

Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch Purse

These were totally cool toys when I was a kid and to see a Hello Kitty version of it just makes me sick to my stomach. Worse, they didn’t just brand a Etch-A-Sketch with Hello Kitty, but actually put it on a purse to try and make it into a fashion statement. I don’t know if I should be more upset with Etch-A-Sketch for selling out or Sanrio for even conceiving such an idea.

Of course, my wife had to get one the moment she saw it. “Won’t it be so cute to be able to draw pictures when I’m sitting around bored? I can even Etch-A-Sketch Hello Kitty!” Just thinking about her in the Hello Kitty plush dress, wearing Hello Kitty high heels and carry this Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch bag while going to the Hello Kitty musical pretty much is an ultimate image of Hello Kitty Hell…

Whiners

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It appears that there is a group of Hello Kitty fanatics that don’t like me because I don’t tell readers where to find the Hello Kitty items on my site. They write me emails (and sometimes leave comments) telling me what a horribly awful person I am. For example, here is the last email I received from one of them this weekend (which, scarily enough, is pretty typical of the ones I receive):

What’s your problem not telling us where you get the Hello Kitty stuff on your site. It will only take you a minute to tell us, but you have to be a complete a**hole about it. I don’t know how your wife can put up with you. I think it’s utterly disgusting and you’re not fit to live on earth the way you treat us. You’re the worst person ever.

I’m going to find where those sneakers are whether you tell me or not, so you might as well. All you’re doing is being a pig about it. It’s no wonder you’re in hell, that is exactly where you deserve to be. I hope your wife makes your life even more hell. I’m surprised she hasn’t left you being as awful as you are.

You should stop blogging because it doesn’t help anyone because you’re too selfish to help anyone find the things on your blog. When I find those shoes, I’m going to email you to show you that I got them so you know that your being an idiot didn’t work. Do us all a favor and die.

Now, it may be just me, but usually when you find someone “utterly disgusting and not fit to live on this earth,” and you want them to do you the favor of just dying, you usually stop visiting their blog. That way each day of your life isn’t ruined and you don’t feel compelled to write yet another email explaining how evil I am. Obviously this is not the case since I seem to get these repeatedly from several people. Therefore, here is my message to all the Hello Kitty whiners:

1. If I am the “worst person in the world” you have ever come across, feel blessed with your life. On the scale of human tragedy, a blogger that doesn’t tell you where you can get Hello Kitty items probably doesn’t make the top 1000 let alone the top 10…

2. If you don’t like my blog and you get upset enough that you feel you must email me and tell me what a horrible person I am and what a terrible blog I have, don’t read it. Your life is much too short to spend time writing to a blogger about how terrible he is when he doesn’t care what you think. Instead, take the time to go to your family and friends and tell them how much you love them — it would be a much more constructive use of your time and Hello Kitty would even approve…

3. This is a blog about my rantings on Hello Kitty. That’s the theme. I’m not sure why Hello Kitty fanatics have been drawn to it because that was certainly never a goal, but if you fail to comprehend the simple fact that this blog is not being written to help you find more Hello Kitty items for your own collection, it’s going to frustrate you far more than it’s worth. Head over to Sanrio where they will be more than happy to help you find more Hello Kitty items for your collection.

4. If you are going to tell me that I’m the worst person in the world in one sentence and send me photos and/or links to Hello Kitty products in the same email that you want me to put on this blog, don’t be disappointed and email me back a hundred times asking why I haven’t put up your photos. While it seems pretty obvious to me why I wouldn’t use them, apparently it is not to you since you keep emailing me and asking why.

I, unfortunately, get a lot of Hello Kitty photos sent to me and my wife gets even more. There are far too many to place them all up. Unless it’s something that is truly unique, causes a conversation between my wife and I or I feel that it’s worth writing about, it won’t go up. If you have told me what a terrible blog I have at some point in the same email, I’ve probably already deleted your email before even looking at the photo…

5. Stop whining. People don’t like whiners because, basically, they get on everyone’s nerves. If you’re under ten, you’re still a kid and are allowed to whine. If you’re old enough to be reading this blog and you’re still whining, it’s time to stop and act your age. Not only will this allow you to get along with more people, you’ll have a much better relationship with your significant other. Best of all, Hello Kitty would approve…

Hello Kitty Business Card

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There are useless pieces of Hello Kitty crap and then there are truly useless pieces of Hello Kitty crap. While I cringe no matter what new Hello Kitty item is going to be added to my wife’s Hello Kitty collection, it’s things like this that makes me know that the people at Sanrio basically decide that anything they come in contact with can be Hello Kittified and sold to Hello Kitty fanatics for a huge profit:

Hello Kitty business card

Hello Kitty gold business card

That is Hello Kitty’s business card and, of course, as soon as my wife saw it she had to have it.

me: “Now, why exactly do you need Hello Kitty’s business card?” (yes, I know, a stupid question for me to even consider asking, but it slipped out in that instant of dumbfounded incomprehension that comes when any normal person sees most Hello Kitty items for the first time and wonders “who in their right might would ever buy that?”)

wife: “It’s gold.”

me: “ummm, it has a thin layer of gold laminated onto the paper…” (knowing that I should just keep my mouth shut)

wife: “It’s a limited edition item. It will be worth lots in the future.” (beginning to get that tone of “why do I even have to explain this to you?”)

me: “It doesn’t matter because you will never sell it.” (the nasty look of a Hello Kitty fanatic glazing into her eyes when non fanatics question anything Hello Kitty related)

wife: “It has Hello Kitty’s real name on it. It’s a very rare thing. Every true Hello Kitty fan will have one.” (with a huff of exasperation because I just didn’t get it)

me: “So you are going to buy a Hello Kitty business card because it has a bit of gold on it, it’s limited edition and Hello Kitty’s real name is on it?” (realizing this is not going to end well)

wife: “Yes” (as she gives her Hello Kitty credit card number to buy it)

me: “And you are willing to pay $85 for a business card?” (still letting the disbelief let me talk instead of quietly accepting the inevitable with a smile)

wife: “It’s a bargain.” (finalizing the purchase)

me: “You realize that Hello Kitty doesn’t really exist so that business card can’t really be hers?” (realizing that I had committed a Hello Kitty high crime for even suggesting that Hello Kitty wasn’t “real”)

wife: shouting in rapid fire a large number of colorful words that Hello Kitty could never say even if she did have a mouth while pointing toward the closet for me to get the Hello Kitty sleeping bag…

Thanks to Mrs Muffle who left a link in the comments which ultimately lead me to sleep on the couch — likely for the next couple of days. She should have to face the wrath of a Hello Kitty fanatic when told Hello Kitty doesn’t exist on a daily basis…