Hello Kitty Convention 2008

You know that Hello Kitty Hell has reached an entirely new level of Hellishness when someone like me is actually invited to a Hello Kitty convention to give a presentation:

I know you and Mrs. HKH are in Japan, but I wanted to let you know that next November, you’re invited to KittyCon 2008. It’s a fan-sponsored and supported convention of Kitty lovers to meet, shop, swap, and learn more about everyone’s (!) favorite feline. I’ve just kicked off the web site, which you can check out at KittyCon2008. I’m writing for a few reasons. First, if you’re in town, I’d actually get a huge laugh if you were interested in doing a seminar about your blog and adventures being a HKH (hello kitty husband?) I’d make sure that you were treated with complete politeness – no one will be mean to you there. I think it’d be cool to meet the man behind the blog! If you guys just wanted to attend, you’d be welcome to that as well. (And if you wanted to be anonymous, cool.) I’m just getting started now with lining up the vendors and seminar leaders and volunteers. The best part (yes, I can feel you cringing) is that the convention will be November 1-2, 2008, which happens to be Hello Kitty’s birthday (Nov 1). Whee! It’ll take place in Raleigh, NC.

This is just so wrong on so many levels that I’m not even sure where to begin, but since I have to begin somewhere:

First, they have Hello Kitty conventions. Take a moment and reflect about that. Swarms of Hello Kitty fanatics gathering together to squeal in sugary delight and celebrate the loveliness of all the “cutest things ever” without a hint of sarcasm in their voices. You are excused to run as fast as you can to the toilet so you don’t make a mess anyplace else in your house.

Secondly, I personally cannot think of anything more disturbing than spending the day with a large group of Hello Kitty fanatics. Take out the medieval torture devices because that would be like a relaxing vacation compared to a Hello Kitty convention. Send Jack Bauer to interrogate me because that would be many times less painful. If I had to attend something like this, I would undoubtedly have to be removed in a straitjacket, and the nightmare would be even worse because there is likely a Hello Kitty straitjacket which they would use…

Thirdly, even more disturbing than the thought of spending a day with Hello Kitty fanatics is the thought that there are Hello Kitty fanatics that actually think that it would be a good idea for me to attend a Hello Kitty convention. Somehow, I don’t think that any presentation that I might give would go over too well. I can’t imagine the Hello Kitty fanatics enjoying themselves as I spent the entire time insulting both Hello Kitty and their fanaticism. While there are a lot of terrible ways to have your life end in this world, being attacked and killed by an angry Hello Kitty mob, while it would likely make the news, would be a downright embarrassing demise.

Of course, my wife wants to go. “Wouldn’t that be the most wonderful vacation ever!!”

It is typical Hello Kitty Hell that I already have to worry about 2008 when 2007 hasn’t even ended…