Hello Kitty Armoured Personnel Carrier

It seems that Sanrio has teamed up with the military to bring the scariest military vehicle that anyone could imagine:

Hello Kitty armoured personnel carrier

Hello Kitty, in her quest at world domination, has moved up from the Hello Kitty Ferrari and other Hello Kitty cars and is now producing armoured personnel carriers for the Army (although this is a photoshopped model of what is to come). My wife loves the idea. “If everyone drove around in Hello Kitty vehicles like that, there would only be love and peace in the world.”

It’s hard to argue with logic like that except for the fact that the casualty rate would likely be much higher if the Army started exclusively using these. The Hello Kitty armoured personnel carrier would effectively nauseate the enemy into submission with many of them killing themselves to avoid the extreme pain. I know that’s exactly what I would end up doing…

Photo courtesy of SofaShark from his flickr photos

Hello Kitty Virtual World

Yikes! It seems that my wife doesn’t want me to only suffer in Hello Kitty Hell in this world, but also in a virtual Hello Kitty world (yes, you read that correctly…I’ll excuse you as you run to the bathroom and vomit). Somehow my wife thinks that because I spend most of my day on the computer that I would “love” to be part of a Hello Kitty online community game where “thousands of players that live and participate in Hello Kitty’s magical and cute online world.”

Hello Kitty virtual world online game

Send over the Hello Kitty table setting so I can stab Hello Kitty forks into my eyes and slash my wrists with Hello Kitty knives because that would be infinitely less painful that having to deal with thousands of Hello Kitty fanatics in a virtual world (although I think it would be a great place for the Hello Kitty whiners to gather instead of on this blog). Sit back and make sure any device that could be used to harm yourself is well out of reach before reading this game description:

Hello Kitty and friends welcome you to the exciting and fantastic Hello Kitty World! This is the first-ever online game platform featuring the all-time-favorite Hello Kitty characters from Sanrio!

Hello Kitty World will allow thousands of players to live and participate in Hello Kitty’s magical and cute online world. You will be able to roam the streets of Kitty Kingdom, XO Federation, and Melody-land. Enjoy the beautiful landscape and architecture of Puroland or Badtzcity and participate in numerous puzzles, story lines, or adventures lead by the worldwide community of Hello Kitty World subscribers. You can even have a successful career, open different shops, earn and spend Sanrio Dollars in your bank, buy a house, and trade with other players around the vast game world.

In the beginning of the game, there are three countries: Kitty Kingdom, XO Federation, and Melody-land. Each country has three cities, its own architecture style, and specialized products.

Kitty Kingdom is a humanity country with a wealth of beautiful arts and crafts.

XO Federation is a modern country with the updated and blatant entertainment facilities.

Melody-land is a country with beautiful landscape and rich natural resources.

Players may travel between countries and cities by plane, ship, car or train. Players can also adventure in the game world for many theme parks, hidden ancient relics, and other interesting findings. Since each country specializes in the production of only certain products, Players in each country will be encourage to trade and exchange products with other Players. The three countries will compete with each other in terms of trade, sports and academic. Starting the game at the same point, the fate and prosperity of each country lies in the hands of the Players living in the country.

I already know the fate of our world — if games like this are actually dreamed up as being a good way to spend time, we are all doomed to Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to fishy kitty for the link who should have to spend the rest of her life in the Hello Kitty virtual world as punishment…

Update: If there was any doubt about how Hello Kitty sees herself, this should dispell that — also from the game:

These Sanrio characters are the only ones not controlable by you. They are the main theme and “God” of one Nation. For example, in Hello Kitty World, Hello Kitty reigns supreme as the overseer of the land. With her guidance, love and happiness is abound and people are able to live in the cute land of Kitty Kingdom in Hello Kitty World. Hello Kitty will be there during your important occasions to bless and help you. Hello Kitty will also arrive to give guidance and new missions to residents of her world.

Emergency Gadget

With a number of natural disasters hitting Japan lately, my wife decided that we needed to do some better preparation in case something happened in our area. While I agreed that was an excellent idea, I also knew that it would likely become a Hello Kitty Hell nightmare. Since my wife has already bought us Hello Kitty fire extinguishers, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know what else she would find in her preparation of our safety. It didn’t take long before she decided we both needed one of these:

Hello Kitty emergency gadget

Hello Kitty has decided that the world needs a high tech version of the Swiss army knife for a generation that has more important things to do than open a can in an emergency. What is a person to do if their cell phone battery dies?

Sanrio’s solution is to create a 126 gram emergency gadget that does the following for the high tech world we live in:

1. USB cell phone recharger

Hello Kitty emergency gadget

2. LED Flashlight

Hello Kitty emergency gadget

3. AM/FM radio

Hello Kitty emergency gadget

4. hazard siren

Hello Kitty emergency gadget

5. compass

Hello Kitty emergency gadget

It can also be used with a 9v battery

Hello Kitty emergency gadget

Of course, my wife feels that it is not only necessary for her to carry one of these around, but I should also carry one in case of an emergency.

wife: “Hello Kitty will always be there to save you!”

me: … (thinking: this must be part of the Hello Kitty Hell conspiracy – instead of letting me just die and putting me out of my misery, Hello Kitty will come to my rescue so that I have to endure more Hello Kitty Hell to the point of trying to commit suicide, where once again Hello Kitty will come to the rescue and we’ll start all over again…)

I have to say that there really is nothing more unmanly than going into a store and taking the change out of your pocket to pay for something, and have a Hello Kitty gadget flop out on the counter. The store clerk looks at the gadget, then looks at you, then looks back at the gadget, then again at you with a look of “are you some kind of pervert?” It doesn’t matter how hard you try to explain the reason you have it, anything you say just makes you look more pathetic…

I think that I Hello Kitty Hell will be more bearable if I take my chances of an untimely death rather than continue to carry this around…

Hello Kitty Batman Tattoo

In keeping with the superhero theme, my wife had this tattoo emailed to her in her continued search for the perfect Hello Kitty tattoo for herself.

(Photo removed on request)

While I think Hello Kitty tattoos are wrong in general and anyone who ever considers getting one should have to do so with the Hello Kitty Vibrator Tattoo Gun Mod, having my wife consider one placed in that particular area of her body would be a Hello Kitty Hell disaster. It’s bad enough that I have to find Hello Kitty underneath the first layer of clothing, but to have her staring directly at me once all the layers are off would bring Hello Kitty Hell to an all new level.

While I could go into 1000 reasons why this particular Hello Kitty tattoo is also horrendous, the truth is that any Hello Kitty tattoo plastered across my wife’s chest is going to be a complete nightmare. The last thing that I want is to be in the mood and have to deal with Hello Kitty staring directly at me knowing that I must complement my wife on the Hello Kitty tattoo or face the repercussion that I will be to be sent to the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag. I fear that this is the Hello Kitty Hell future that lies ahead…

Thanks to kittyfan3 who should be forced to get a similar tattoo and listen to that same music each day for the rest of her life…

Hello Kitty Superman

I’ve mentioned before that Hello Kitty doesn’t like to stay in her domain, but instead intrudes into other popular cultural areas and tries to Hello Kittify them. This usually doesn’t go over too well with the fans of that particular area, but Hello Kitty fanatics think that it’s the most wonderful thing in the world (and assume that everyone feels the same way). It is because of things like this that we get the Hello Kitty Darth Vader or the Hello Kitty Star Trek Klingon. So it should be no surprise that Hello Kitty fanatics also created a Hello Kitty Superman:

Hello Kitty Superman

While obviously a poorly done photoshop job, my wife still thinks it’s great. Her opinion is that “the goodness of Hello Kitty inside Superman would make the best superhero of all time!” (as if Superman weren’t already good) while the rest of us look at it shaking our heads in unbelieving disgust. My wife actually said she would buy a Hello Kitty superman doll if they made one which scares me because I’m sure that Sanrio is probably considering doing so…

You definitely know you’re in Hello Kitty Hell when superheros are supposedly better when they morph with Hello Kitty…

Sent in by way, way too many people — you all need to get more of a life and all your superheros should come Hello Kittified in the future as your punishment…

Hello Kitty Plush Dress (again)

There is a lot about Hello Kitty that scares me, and then there are Hello Kitty items that absolutely petrify me:

Hello Kitty plush dress

Apparently the Hello Kitty plush couture dress didn’t remain on the runway. It takes something pretty hideous that is able to both terrify and be just plain wrong at the same time. How anyone, including Hello Kitty fanatics, could still think this is a “cute idea” after seeing a photo like this is beyond me (but then again, so is all the Hello Kitty stuff). I’m going to be having Hello Kitty Hell nightmares tonight…

Thanks to darren who located this photo and should be forced to date someone that wears this dress weekly for terrifying me with it…

Hello Kitty Cat

I feel sorry for all cats that are owned by Hello Kitty fanatics because it’s things like this which they have to look forward to in their life:

Hello Kitty cat

Hello Kitty cat

Yes, it’s a “turn your cat into Hello Kitty” kit and runs about $150. If cats have nightmares, this is exactly what they are made of. My wife was giggling like a little school girl when she found it and all I could do was look at our cats and think, “well, enjoy life now because you don’t know what’s coming to devestate it in a few days…”

It’s not often that I think that Hello Kitty Hell could be worse, but at least my wife is not dressing me up in outfits like that (yet…….)

Thanks to kaori who should have to wear an outfit like this for bringing it to the attention of my wife…

Hello Kitty Golf Putter

One of the worst aspects of living with a Hello Kitty fanatic is that you never know what Hello Kitty items are going to end up in your stuff. This is bad enough when you catch the fact before it has a chance to unexpectedly surprise you, but there are times when the addition goes undetected until the moment when it completely humiliates you. That is exactly what happened yesterday when I went golfing with a few friends.

It’s already bad enough that I have to play with Hello Kitty golf balls. The jokes are pretty much non stop every time I pull out a ball to tee off and no matter how tough you look, playing golf with Hello Kitty golf balls is going lower your manliness in the eyes of everyone that sees you by a few thousand percent.

So I made the Hello Kitty Hell mistake of believing it couldn’t get any worse. You know those dreams you have where you are in some crowded public place in your underwear or with no clothes on and you are completely mortified? That only begins to describe how I felt when we approached the green on the first hole and I went to pull out my putter to find it had been replaced with this:

Hello Kitty golf putter

Hello Kitty golf putter

Hello Kitty golf putter

Hello Kitty golf putter

Hello Kitty golf putter

Apparently my wife decided that she needed a Hello Kitty putter (no, of course she doesn’t play golf) for the one time every 5 years we play miniature golf and decided the best place to keep it would be in my golf bag (don’t ask, but it apparently makes perfect sense to a Hello Kitty fanatic). Since there was no reason to have two putters in a golf bag, she took out my putter and placed it with my older clubs in the garage (again, no normal person would ever think of doing this, but apparently this is the most logical course of action to take if you are a Hello Kitty fanatic). Thus the only thing I had to putt with was a Hello Kitty putter.

From the way my friends reacted, there doesn’t seem to be anything funnier than watching a grown man walk onto a green and put with a Hello Kitty putter, but they have informed me that I am the “cutest” male golfer they have ever seen. Great — exactly how I want to be perceived in life. The scariest thing? It was just another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Vibrator Light Sabre

There are a lot of things that are wrong with Hello Kitty, but sometimes my wife shows me items that are just wrong on so many levels. The Hello Kitty Darth Vader is one of them which will have most Star Wars fans rolling in their graves long after they die. Then there is the Hello Kitty vibrator which, again, is just plain wrong on so many levels it’s difficult to even know where to begin list all the problems. So what would someone do to top either of these? Make a Hello Kitty vibrator light sabre of course:

Hello Kitty Star Wars Light Sabre

Now imagine the Hello Kitty Darth Vader holding a Hello Kitty vibrator light sabre getting ready to…well, what exactly would Darth Vader do with one of those?!? And if you begin to think about this, you pretty much get a clear idea of what’s so, so, so wrong with Hello Kitty (except if you’re a Hello Kitty fanatic like my wife to which you say, “That is soooo cute! Star Wars would have been an infinitely much better movie if all the characters had pink Hello Kitty light sabres.”)

The day has hardly begun and my head is already aching. It’s when I see photos like this that I know the day has all the makings of a truly Hello Kitty Hellish day…

Thanks to greg (via comicbookgirl.com) who should have to face the wrath of all Star Wars fans for pointing out the existence of this item.

Hello Kitty Open Letter To Children

I know that there are others out there living in Hello Kitty Hell. Most suffer in silence only to be found in statistics (I figure at least 95% of the suicides in the world can be directly attributed to Hello Kitty in one way or another). There are, however, rare occasions when others in Hello Kitty Hell break out of their chains and announce to the world what living with Hello Kitty is truly like.

It is with complete sympathy that I read Goodbye Kitty – an open letter to my darling daughter knowing that as bad as it sounds, it will only get worse (and what Hello Kitty Hell will be like for me when we have children) as she grows older and wants even more Hello Kitty goods. He’ll be in my thoughts tonight as I raise a beer to a suffering kindred spirit…

Thanks to Violet who emailed me the link and suggested that “you and this guy should get together for a beer. or twelve.” Why stop there? I’m thinking a keg still won’t be enough to drown out the pain…