Month: July 2007

Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch Purse

by

One of the many traits of Hello Kitty is that she will adopt and ruin the coolest of things in order to brand them the Hello Kitty way. That is exactly what she decided to do when making the Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch:

Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch Purse

These were totally cool toys when I was a kid and to see a Hello Kitty version of it just makes me sick to my stomach. Worse, they didn’t just brand a Etch-A-Sketch with Hello Kitty, but actually put it on a purse to try and make it into a fashion statement. I don’t know if I should be more upset with Etch-A-Sketch for selling out or Sanrio for even conceiving such an idea.

Of course, my wife had to get one the moment she saw it. “Won’t it be so cute to be able to draw pictures when I’m sitting around bored? I can even Etch-A-Sketch Hello Kitty!” Just thinking about her in the Hello Kitty plush dress, wearing Hello Kitty high heels and carry this Hello Kitty Etch-A-Sketch bag while going to the Hello Kitty musical pretty much is an ultimate image of Hello Kitty Hell…

Whiners

by

It appears that there is a group of Hello Kitty fanatics that don’t like me because I don’t tell readers where to find the Hello Kitty items on my site. They write me emails (and sometimes leave comments) telling me what a horribly awful person I am. For example, here is the last email I received from one of them this weekend (which, scarily enough, is pretty typical of the ones I receive):

What’s your problem not telling us where you get the Hello Kitty stuff on your site. It will only take you a minute to tell us, but you have to be a complete a**hole about it. I don’t know how your wife can put up with you. I think it’s utterly disgusting and you’re not fit to live on earth the way you treat us. You’re the worst person ever.

I’m going to find where those sneakers are whether you tell me or not, so you might as well. All you’re doing is being a pig about it. It’s no wonder you’re in hell, that is exactly where you deserve to be. I hope your wife makes your life even more hell. I’m surprised she hasn’t left you being as awful as you are.

You should stop blogging because it doesn’t help anyone because you’re too selfish to help anyone find the things on your blog. When I find those shoes, I’m going to email you to show you that I got them so you know that your being an idiot didn’t work. Do us all a favor and die.

Now, it may be just me, but usually when you find someone “utterly disgusting and not fit to live on this earth,” and you want them to do you the favor of just dying, you usually stop visiting their blog. That way each day of your life isn’t ruined and you don’t feel compelled to write yet another email explaining how evil I am. Obviously this is not the case since I seem to get these repeatedly from several people. Therefore, here is my message to all the Hello Kitty whiners:

1. If I am the “worst person in the world” you have ever come across, feel blessed with your life. On the scale of human tragedy, a blogger that doesn’t tell you where you can get Hello Kitty items probably doesn’t make the top 1000 let alone the top 10…

2. If you don’t like my blog and you get upset enough that you feel you must email me and tell me what a horrible person I am and what a terrible blog I have, don’t read it. Your life is much too short to spend time writing to a blogger about how terrible he is when he doesn’t care what you think. Instead, take the time to go to your family and friends and tell them how much you love them — it would be a much more constructive use of your time and Hello Kitty would even approve…

3. This is a blog about my rantings on Hello Kitty. That’s the theme. I’m not sure why Hello Kitty fanatics have been drawn to it because that was certainly never a goal, but if you fail to comprehend the simple fact that this blog is not being written to help you find more Hello Kitty items for your own collection, it’s going to frustrate you far more than it’s worth. Head over to Sanrio where they will be more than happy to help you find more Hello Kitty items for your collection.

4. If you are going to tell me that I’m the worst person in the world in one sentence and send me photos and/or links to Hello Kitty products in the same email that you want me to put on this blog, don’t be disappointed and email me back a hundred times asking why I haven’t put up your photos. While it seems pretty obvious to me why I wouldn’t use them, apparently it is not to you since you keep emailing me and asking why.

I, unfortunately, get a lot of Hello Kitty photos sent to me and my wife gets even more. There are far too many to place them all up. Unless it’s something that is truly unique, causes a conversation between my wife and I or I feel that it’s worth writing about, it won’t go up. If you have told me what a terrible blog I have at some point in the same email, I’ve probably already deleted your email before even looking at the photo…

5. Stop whining. People don’t like whiners because, basically, they get on everyone’s nerves. If you’re under ten, you’re still a kid and are allowed to whine. If you’re old enough to be reading this blog and you’re still whining, it’s time to stop and act your age. Not only will this allow you to get along with more people, you’ll have a much better relationship with your significant other. Best of all, Hello Kitty would approve…

Hello Kitty Business Card

by

There are useless pieces of Hello Kitty crap and then there are truly useless pieces of Hello Kitty crap. While I cringe no matter what new Hello Kitty item is going to be added to my wife’s Hello Kitty collection, it’s things like this that makes me know that the people at Sanrio basically decide that anything they come in contact with can be Hello Kittified and sold to Hello Kitty fanatics for a huge profit:

Hello Kitty business card

Hello Kitty gold business card

That is Hello Kitty’s business card and, of course, as soon as my wife saw it she had to have it.

me: “Now, why exactly do you need Hello Kitty’s business card?” (yes, I know, a stupid question for me to even consider asking, but it slipped out in that instant of dumbfounded incomprehension that comes when any normal person sees most Hello Kitty items for the first time and wonders “who in their right might would ever buy that?”)

wife: “It’s gold.”

me: “ummm, it has a thin layer of gold laminated onto the paper…” (knowing that I should just keep my mouth shut)

wife: “It’s a limited edition item. It will be worth lots in the future.” (beginning to get that tone of “why do I even have to explain this to you?”)

me: “It doesn’t matter because you will never sell it.” (the nasty look of a Hello Kitty fanatic glazing into her eyes when non fanatics question anything Hello Kitty related)

wife: “It has Hello Kitty’s real name on it. It’s a very rare thing. Every true Hello Kitty fan will have one.” (with a huff of exasperation because I just didn’t get it)

me: “So you are going to buy a Hello Kitty business card because it has a bit of gold on it, it’s limited edition and Hello Kitty’s real name is on it?” (realizing this is not going to end well)

wife: “Yes” (as she gives her Hello Kitty credit card number to buy it)

me: “And you are willing to pay $85 for a business card?” (still letting the disbelief let me talk instead of quietly accepting the inevitable with a smile)

wife: “It’s a bargain.” (finalizing the purchase)

me: “You realize that Hello Kitty doesn’t really exist so that business card can’t really be hers?” (realizing that I had committed a Hello Kitty high crime for even suggesting that Hello Kitty wasn’t “real”)

wife: shouting in rapid fire a large number of colorful words that Hello Kitty could never say even if she did have a mouth while pointing toward the closet for me to get the Hello Kitty sleeping bag…

Thanks to Mrs Muffle who left a link in the comments which ultimately lead me to sleep on the couch — likely for the next couple of days. She should have to face the wrath of a Hello Kitty fanatic when told Hello Kitty doesn’t exist on a daily basis…

Hello Kitty Doghouse

by

No, we don’t have a dog, but that doesn’t matter in the least bit for my wife who wants this $30,000 Hello Kitty Doghouse:

Hello Kitty dog house

While it may be better than tattooing a dog with Hello Kitty, it’s not better by much. You have to feel sorry for any dog that must live in a Hello Kitty dog house…hmmm, not much different from me being in the dog house in a Hello Kitty sleeping back on the couch, although my sleeping area isn’t the price of a fancy car…the irony of Hello Kitty Hell.

Hello Kitty Couture

by

I know that it is going to be a truly Hello Kitty Hellish day when my wife screams, “OMG!! You’ve got to come here and look at this!!!! It is soooooo cute!” I should have learned by now when those words exit my wife’s mouth, the only logical course of action is to induce some life threatening injury to myself and hope that I die before I am forced to see whatever hideous Hello Kitty item has made her squeal with such joy. Alas, somewhere my mind makes a grave judgemental error and stops me from doing the merciful thing by rationalizing that Hello Kitty Hell can’t possible get any worse than it already is. That, of course, is proven to be incorrect time and again and I realize that death would have been a lot less painful than having to see and hear about yet another Hello Kitty item.

This is especially true when it comes to Hello Kitty fashion. There is something that makes Hello Kitty fanatics believe that anything Hello Kitty makes clothes look cute, while the rest of us simply want to vomit when seeing it. I can’t think of a better example than this monstrosity which my wife thinks is absolutely fabulous:

Hello Kitty runway fashion

I know, I know. You’re looking at that and saying to yourself that it must be a Halloween party costume or something (while valiantly trying to keep the food in your stomach). Any normal person has to make an assumption like this because it is simply too difficult to perceive that anyone, even a Hello Kitty fanatic, could view something like this as high fashion. Unfortunately, it is all too real…

So as you sit looking at your computer in disbelief, rejoice in that fact that you are not living with someone that actually is searching for one of these and has decided that if she can’t find one, she will make one herself (see, I knew a self inflicted wound and quick death — or even a long, drawn out death — would have been less painful…) And pray that the next time my wife shouts those words, I have enough sense to put myself out of my Hello Kitty Hell misery…

Hello Kitty Ubuntu GDM Theme

by

My wife loves to show me how Hello Kitty is embraced by computer geeks. Even though I know little about computers, since I make my living on the Internet, she thinks that somehow if she shows me enough Hello Kitty computers products that I will somehow instantaneously see the light and become a Hello Kitty fanatic.

Most Hello Kitty computer products are aimed at female computer users. There aren’t a lot of men in Silicon Valley that would be willing to take a Hello Kitty laptop to work. I cringe when I have to use a Hello Kitty usb flash drive. It appears, however, that Hello Kitty is trying to expand her domain…

If anyone had any doubt that Hello Kitty was trying to take over everything, this should erase all doubt. It would seem that the least likely people to adopt Hello Kitty fanaticism would be computer geeks, but not just any computer geeks. Hello Kitty is even stretching her tentacles to go after the hardcore Linux computer geek crowd in an attempt to convert them to the Hello Kitty linux dark side:

Hello Kitty ubuntu linux

Of course, my wife made me download the gdm theme in her attempt to make my computer become more Hello Kittified. Another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to hklinux who should be ostracized from the linux computer community for eternity for having a username like that

Hello Kitty Tulips

by

One of the many (many, many…) problems with Hello Kitty is that subtlety is not a word in her vocabulary. That means that instead of quietly sitting on the sideline waiting for the fanatics that have been blinded by her hellish, evil side, to come and find her products, she has to get in everyone’s face. Hello Kitty flowers on an individual basis are not enough…especially when an entire field will do:

Hello Kitty tulips

You go to the tulip garden to see the beautiful flowers and end up having to stare at Hello Kitty’s face. It’s like a Hello Kitty Hell nightmare come true. Not satisfied with the human race, Hello Kitty also is after the complete domination of nature. Flowers in themselves are no longer beautiful enough and thus must form Hello Kitty to be appreciated. At least with a Hello Kitty crop circle, you have the faint possibility that an alien ship will appear and take you away from the Hellish scene you are witnessing, but there is no such hope with a tulip mural…

Of course, my wife’s reaction was a bit different than mine: “That is the cutest thing ever! We have to go and see it….I think everyone should plant their garden so Hello Kitty appears in it and then the world would be a happier and nicer place. I think we should try it.”

It’s this “we” part when talking about Hello Kitty projects that is the real source of Hello kitty Hell. It’s not like I volunteer for these things, but somehow I’m always included. So now not only am I going to have to go and see Hello Kitty flower gardens (oh, won’t that be a joyous trip), but my wife will also attempt (with me doing most of the labor) to turn our garden into something similar. It doesn’t get much more Hello Kitty Hellish than that…

Thanks to Danielle for emailing the photo of a tulip festival at Tanto town in Toyooka city, western Japan – she should have to stare at Hello Kitty flower arrangements for the rest of her life…

Hello Kitty Hotel Room

by

The problem going anywhere when you live in Hello Kitty Hell is that the destination is always someplace to see Hello Kitty. While in the past I was able to escape Hello Kitty for a few moments here and there, it is becoming more and more difficult to do so as everything succumbs to Hello Kittification. For example, when we go someplace, my wife wants to stay in a Hello Kitty hotel room and unfortunately, there are more and more of these that exists these days:

Hello Kitty hotel room

Hello Kitty hotel room

Hello Kitty hotel room

Hello Kitty hotel room

Hello Kitty hotel room

Rooms like this are on par with our house meaning it isn’t like escaping Hello Kitty Hell at all. In fact, it’s even worse because the place is new so my wife has to spend fifteen minutes on every single Hello Kitty item in the room explaining how she can incorporate into our own house.

You would think that anyone who was forced to stay in a room like this would at least have the decency to completely trash the place so nobody else would have to endure the pain of staying there, but alas, this never seems to happen.

It’s only a matter of time before my wife attempts to plan a week vacation where we are never out of site of Hello Kitty and the scariest thing about this is that it’s probably possible. Just thinking about it gives me a Hellish Hello Kitty headache…

Thanks to hellosis (via sunflower700) who should have to spend her entire life in rooms like these.