Clothes

I thought that my torture with Hello Kitty shoes was going to be limited to the Hello Kitty Converse High Tops and casual clothes, but of course I underestimated the lengths to which Hello Kitty would go to in order to increase my Hello Kitty Hell. Yesterday, I was informed that my wife had ordered Hello Kitty heels:

While the shoes themselves scare me to no end, the thought of when and what outfit she will actually wear these with is even more frightening to me…

The problem with living in Hello Kitty Hell is that one is never enough. Hello Kitty items usually come in a variety of colors and that means my wife needs one of each color. We needed to get some bathroom slippers (in Japan, you switch slippers when going to the bathroom) and since our everyday slippers (having to wear Hello Kitty slippers all day is Hello Kitty Hell in itself) are Hello Kitty, the bathroom slippers also have to be Hello Kitty. Here is the problem – when we got to the store, they came in 4 different colors:

 

 

Now most people would simply choose their favorite color and that would be it. Hello Kitty fanatics have lost this common sense reasoning and feel that they must have one of each color (at a minimum). While we have no need for four different colors, my wife rationalized it by saying a single color would be boring and she could switch the colors each week.

So you can add four pairs of Hello Kitty bathroom slippers to my Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty fanatics will buy anything that is branded Hello Kitty. My wife pays 3x as much for “Hello Kitty” yarn when she knits. Of course, this is simply regular yarn with a Hello Kitty label, but this makes no difference to her. It’s Hello Kitty so it’s the only yarn that will do:

Of course, being that this is Hello Kitty Hell, I actually don’t mind paying 3x the going price for Hello Kitty yarn because I always think that it could be worse. One day in the not to distant future, they are going to make yarn with Hello Kitty actually in the yarn itself and then I will have to wear Hello Kitty sweaters, hats and gloves all winter long…

Since I was in high school, I’ve always enjoyed wearing Converse high tops. They were sort of my fashion statement while all the other students around me went for Nike or whatever other fashionable shoe was in at that moment. Of course, during that time they only had 2 colors – black and white. It wasn’t until I went to college that they started printing them in a variety of different colors and patterns. In fact, I still have a pair of both black and white Converse high tops.

There is nothing worse than when a product that you have loved for years sells out. I tolerated the different colors and even the different patterns until my wife came home with these:

That’s right. They actually make Hello Kitty Converse shoes these days. What’s worse, every time I decide to wear my Converse high tops, my wife wants to wear her “matching pair” – something tells me I will never be wearing them again.

You know that Hello Kitty Hell has moved to an entirely new level when even the shoe style you grew up with has come out in a Hello Kitty model. I think I’ll go cry myself to sleep…

See, things can get worse. I should have seen this coming, but part of living in Hello Kitty Hell is also living in denial that things will one day get better. It was bad enough when my wife was wearing Hello Kitty underwear, but now she wants me to wear it. Today I received a pair of Hello Kitty boxers:

As you can see, not only are they Hello Kitty boxers, but Hello Kitty is in her famous “1974” original pose where she appears to be flipping me off. And you read the writing on the front correctly: “The Purr-fect Pal! She’s The Cat’s Meow!” Somehow that feels quite appropriate for Hello Kitty Hell – being mocked by a character on my underwear.

I imagine that it’s going to be extremely hard to keep my manly respect if I ever have to wear these which once again brings me too the Hello Kitty Hell catch 22. If I don’t wear them, then my wife will assume that I don’t appreciate the gift. Since non appreciation usually relegates me to the couch and the Hello Kitty sleeping bag for a week, sometime in the near future I am going to actually have to wear these (and make sure my wife sees that I am wearing them) or tempt my couch sleeping fate.

Just the thought of it is sending shivers down my spine…

When Hello Kitty Hell exists, it does invade all aspects of your life. It’s amazing what a detrimental effect Hello Kitty can have on a man’s love life as the following example will illustrate…

My wife and I were in a romantic mood the other night. We start to get a bit frisky and my wife takes off her shirt to reveal the Hello Kitty bra:

wife: Isn’t this the cutest thing?

Now, after years of marriage, I know the right answer to this question. The correct answer is “Yes, honey, it’s very cute and it makes you look more beautiful” (all single guys, write that down in your notebook). Of course, the Hello Kitty cheerleader on one side and the monogrammed Hello Kitty initials on the other make it impossible for me to say the correct answer…

me: uh, what’s that? (shocked that Hello Kitty has invaded yet another part of my hell)

wife: It’s my new bra (wife folds arms waiting impatiently for correct answer)

me: oh…(split second hesitation and instant recognition on what is about to unfold)

wife: (raises an eyebrow). Is it me or the bra? (shirt goes back on)

me: no, no , no…yes, it is the cutest thing (lying in desperate hope to save the moment already knowing it is futile)

wife (raises eyebrow higher) So it’s me, then? (goes to closet to get Hello Kitty sleeping bag for me to sleep on couch)

me: no, no , no…You’re as beautiful as ever. Much cuter than the bra (realizing instantly that the Hello Kitty trap had locked and the key had been thrown away)

wife: (both eyebrows raised) so you don’t think the bra is cute! (Hello Kitty sleeping bag is thrown on couch, bedroom door slammed and locked)

I wonder how many more nights I’ll be sleeping out here on the couch…