One mans hell with cute overload
I hate when I receive emails like this. My wife took one look at this Hello Kitty bathtub and wants one for our place:
It’s bad enough with all the Hello Kitty crap that is already in the bathing area, but the thought of actually having to take a bath inside a Hello Kitty face sends chills up my spine. I’m praying that she can’t locate one so I can avoid this new addition to Hello Kitty Hell…
Photo sent by laschult (who deserves to take all her baths in one of these) via Japan Steven
The thing about Hello Kitty Hell is that it will never end. Any normal person would assume that Hello Kitty would eventually run out of new things to stamp her little face on, but that is not how Hello Kitty works. When it becomes difficult to find items that haven’t already been Hello Kittified, there is a simple answer: invent new ones.
WTF?!? A Hello Kitty banana cover? Don’t bananas already come with their own naturally produced covers? That is how any normal person should react upon seeing this Hello Kitty product. Not my wife. “That is soooooo cute. We need some,” was her reaction in typical Hello Kitty Hell fashion.
Having lived in Hello Kitty Hell for a number of years, I have seen my share of completely useless Hello Kitty products. I have to say the Hello Kitty banana cover has to rank not only near the top of totally useless Hello Kitty products invented, but of all products ever invented. That being said, I have no doubt that the Hello Kitty apple and orange covers are already in the works…
Update: You really thought the evil feline could stop at one Hello Kitty banana cover?
Sent in by leslie
Now that my wife is toasty warm in her Hello Kitty heated lap blanket and Hello Kitty foot warmers, she decided that we needed to know how cold it was inside. I don’t need a Hello Kitty thermometer to tell me that I’m damn well cold (why else would I have on pink Hello Kitty foot warmers on my feet?!), but that holds little sway when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. So here is the thermometer she purchased:
Actually, it is ironic in a Hello Kitty Hell kind of way that I need Hello Kitty items to keep me warm and tell me how cold it is while living in a place that should be burning up.
Again, an innocent comment has gotten me into Hello Kitty Hell trouble. Sitting in front of a computer all day isn’t the healthiest activity in the world and when I spend long hours typing away, my lower back sometimes gets sore. I mentioned the other day that my back was feeling the hours I had been putting in to my wife and walked into my computer room to see this attached to my chair: the Hello Kitty chair massager:
All I have to say is that there is something seriously wrong in the world when a grown man has Hello Kitty vibrating underneath him…
Only in Hello Kitty Hell can a man be sent to the couch for the night for using the wrong toilet paper. Now, if you are in the bathroom and you finish up only to find that there is no toilet paper on the toilet paper roll, what do you do? All normal people (ie not Hello Kitty fanatics) reach for a new roll of toilet paper and that is the end of the issue, but I knew that things weren’t going to be quite that easy as soon as I realized that the only toilet paper I could find was Hello Kitty toilet paper.
While the rest of the world views toilet paper as just that, Hello Kitty fanatics view toilet paper as a display item. So I sat on the toilet pondering my predicament. I had two choices: 1) I could open the bathroom door, hobble down the hallway with my pants at my ankles desperately trying to salvage any dignity I had by covering up the best I could until I got to the storage closet where I knew we had non Hello Kitty toilet paper. I would then grab a roll, hobble back with my pants still around my ankles until I reached the bathroom where I could finally wipe myself properly. 2) I could grab a roll of Hello Kitty toilet paper right next to me, use it without losing any dignity, but have to face the Hello Kitty Hell wrath for actually using a Hello Kitty product the way it was supposed to be used.
For any regular person, the obvious choice is quick and simple, but not so in Hello Kitty Hell. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes passed with me still debating which was the lesser of two evils: humiliation & embarrassment or facing the wrath of a Hello Kitty fanatic. The tables were tipping in favor of the walk down the hall and I even opened the bathroom door, but realizing it was the dead of winter and there was no heating in the hallway, the tables quickly tipped back toward the Hello Kitty toilet paper. I must admit it took quite a bit of courage for me to finally decide that Hello Kitty toilet paper was going to be the choice (urged on by the fact that after 20 minutes of debating the issue, certain areas were beginning to crust…well, let’s just leave those gory details to your imagination…)
Now even the choice of Hello Kitty toilet paper didn’t free me to wipe away. I then had to choose which of the 4 patterns of Hello Kitty toilet paper we had I was going to use. Would it be the 1974 Hello Kitty Design:
The 1977 Hello Kitty Design:
The Berry / Flower Wreath Winking Hello Kitty Design:
The Tropical Flower Hello Kitty Design:
This was far from an easy decision due to the fact that all the patterns came in pairs and the use of one would certainly unbalance the display. It took another 10 minutes before I came up with my brilliant idea: I would carefully open the Hello Kitty toilet paper, use a few sheets and then re-wrap it. Nobody would ever know, I’d keep my dignity and wouldn’t freeze my butt off (literally) and there would be no Hello Kitty fanatic wrath to face. Perfect…except…
I put my plan into motion and it worked perfectly. I congratulated myself for insightful thinking in an extremely delicate Hello Kitty Hell situation. I was still self-congratulating myself when:
wife: “Honnnney…”
me: “…” (thinking that doesn’t sound like the good “honey” but like the “You did something terrible honey”)
wife: “Honnnney, can you come here a minute…”
me: “Yes dear.” (thinking uh-oh, this is not going to be good)
wife: (looking into the bathroom) “There is something not quite right here…”
me: “Everything looks fine to me.” (thinking “woohoo, she can’t figure it out”)
wife: “Why is the Hello Kitty toilet paper out of order?”
me: “…” (thinking WTF??? Hello Kitty toilet paper has an order???)
wife: “They should all be in the order of their release. Why is the 1977 style Hello Kitty toilet paper placed before the 1974 style Hello Kitty toilet paper?”
me: (quick thinking) “Oh. I’m sorry. I accidentally bumped the shelf and they fell down and I just placed them back up.” (thinking “order??? why does everything Hello Kitty have to have an order???)
wife: (sighs) “You need to be more careful. You know that Hello kitty is precious.” (shakes her head as if talking to a 6 year old)
Then it happened. The instant she touched the roll that I had used, she knew. I still don’t understand what power Hello Kitty fanatics have that can make them instantly know that 5 squares off a full roll of toilet paper are missing just by the feel of the roll, but they can…and that is when the “you’re on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag” look came (I’d try to describe this look, but it would be useless. Think back to when you were a little kid and you did something that made your parents so mad that they couldn’t even speak. Multiply this by 1000 and you begin to see the tip of the iceberg on the “you’re on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag” look).
I must admit that I did get a bit of satisfaction out of being sent to the couch which is a rarity in Hello Kitty Hell. While a brief and fleeting moment, Hello Kitty got to see what I live with 24 / 7 when I took those 5 sheets of toilet paper and used them as they should properly be used…I should have used more.
Update: It should come as no surprise that the evil feline continues to come out with toilet paper in her image:
Sent in by ratbite
Sent in by Nat
Sent in by Ashlin
I have an especially acrimonious relationship with the “classic” Hello Kitty in Hello Kitty Hell. I have mentioned this on several occasions before that while Hello Kitty is sucking her thumb in the classic pose, I have no doubt that she is actually flipping me off. So not only does she mock me by being everywhere in our house, she is also set in prime locations to show me the finger whenever I happen by, just to let me know who is in charge.
While there are a number of these classic style Hello Kittys that I see on a daily basis, it is the Hello Kitty night light that most disturbs me.
Yes, it is certainly Hello Kitty Hell when you have to wake up each day in a Hello Kitty futon, but that Hell is compounded when the first thing you see each morning upon waking up is Hello Kitty shining brightly as she flips you the bird. Maybe being sent out to sleep on the couch (even if it is in a Hello Kitty sleeping bag) every once in awhile isn’t such a bad thing after all…
Many of the readers have been questioning whether I am making all of this up and have asked to see photos of our house. I would, but wouldn’t want to give you a heart attack. Therefore I will give you a glimpse of the hello Kitty Hell I live in by showing you a few photos of our bathroom.
Keep in mind that we live in Japan and the toilet is the only thing in this small room. Usually the walls would be wallpapered and that is it – very basic. Instead, because all of the other rooms are overflowing, we had to make shelves along one side of the bathroom and in the back above the toilet. These are all filled with Hello Kitty:
As you can see, there are multiples of everything and so many that many of them can’t even be displayed facing forward. This, my friends, is how all the rooms look if not piled with more Hello Kitty stuff.
I’m very tempted to just start taking pieces away one at a time, but if it is one thing I’ve learned about Hello Kitty fanatics, even if they have nine of an identical Hello Kitty items stored in a far corner of a room in a box on the bottom that hasn’t seen the light of day for 3 years, when they open it and see there are only 8 of the Hello Kitty, you receive the Hello Kitty Death Stare (which means a minimum of a week on the couch with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag).
I may show more as time progresses, but this should give you a start in imagining how bad things are and that I’m not exaggerating…
Hello Kitty Hell, once again, at it’s worst. There is just something so completely and utterly wrong in making a grown man sleep in one of these…
My wife sent me to the store to purchase some new electricity outlet covers and I nearly had a heart attack when I saw these:
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I seriously debated whether or not I should even mention finding these because it will mean that they will eventually be purchased, but I figure it’s only a matter of time (as are all things in Hello Kitty Hell). I already know what the reaction will be…”oh, they will look so cute with the Hello Kitty night lights…”
I guess that I should rejoice in the fact that the walls haven’t been painted in Hello Kitty themes (I may regret having written that…)