Uncategorized – Page 80 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Mineral Water

September 29, 2007 by onezero

My wife and I were taking a walk today when she asked if I’d like some water. I said “yes” and was handed one of these:

Your eyes do not deceive you. The evil feline has her own line of bottled mineral water which I’m sure they have drugged with something that completely alters your perceptions of reality. I have no doubt about this because that is the only way my wife’s explanation makes any sense when she handed me a bottle: “The reason that it tastes so good and refreshing is that it’s filled with Hello Kitty love.”

Just another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Pure Gold Playing Cards

September 28, 2007 by onezero

We have already established that there isn’t a single product that Hello Kitty doesn’t love to hijack into her own likeness, but she is also the master of creating events (where no even truly exists) to sell completely useless, overpriced junk that can only leave a normal person shaking their head asking, “Do people really buy that crap?” Of course, the Hello Kitty fanatic takes one look at it and begins drooling uncontrollably, and if she happens to have some poor soul that is her significant other, she begins whining about how much she loves it and just has to have it. That was the basic reaction of my wife when she found out about the pure gold Hello Kitty playing cards Sanrio is releasing for its 33rd Hello Kitty anniversary (33rd anniversary?!? What other company in the world celebrates a 33rd anniversary?):

There are 54 cards in the set which includes 2 jokers with each card being made from 0.73 grams of 99.99% pure gold. The gold cards are then laminated in a protective coating and sold for the price of nearly $5000 (567,000 Yen)

So my wife is telling me now that this would be a perfect birthday gift for me because I like to play poker with the guys (right – 1. Like I would ever play poker with Hello kitty playing cards. 2. Like the guys wouldn’t have me instantly committed if I ever brought out a deck of Hello kitty playing cards. 3. Like my wife would ever let me touch $5000 gold playing cards with the intent to play poker with them). Undoubtedly, all I’m going to hear about for the next week is how beautiful these cards are and how much she really wants them. Par for the course in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Shinto Shrine

September 28, 2007 by onezero

If anyone thought that Hello Kitty would stop at trying to take over after creating her own western religion and an alternative would have greatly underestimated the world domination plans of this little feline. She also has her hand in Eastern religion with her own shrine with (of course) her as the deity under the Sanrio banner:

And for anyone who doesn’t believe that it is supposed to be a true religious experience, read this description from the Pagan Prattle:

This shrine is not the only religious experience to be had at Puroland. The centrepiece of the establishment is the enormous Wisdom Tree. A path winds up the tree, alongside which are small shrines and altars to the various Sanrio characters. At the very top, you go inside the tree and encounter yet another shrine. This one is Hello Kitty’s Bell of Happiness. There appears to be no source of water for ritual purification (maybe nothing is impure once it has entered Kitty’s domain?) but, apart from that, the ritual is the same as at any other Shinto shrine. You approach the altar, and ring the bell, bow a couple of times, then clap your hands twice, then bow again. There is no collecting box in front of the altar but, as at many other Shinto shrines, you can buy an ema – a special card – on which you write your wish and hang up on a special frame located nearby.

As would be expected, my wife thinks this is wonderful. She wants to place a mini shrine in our house (like all the Hello Kitty crap isn’t enough) so that we can pray directly each morning to the feline goddess — “She would make sure that each day would be filled with love and joy” is her take on it although I prefer to substitute “love” with “despair” and “joy with “pain” which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Katy (via Pagan Prattle) who should be forced to kneel down in front of Hello Kitty 12 hours a day as penance for thinking sending me this was a good idea.

Hello Kitty Bluetooth Wireless Earphones

September 27, 2007 by onezero

Earphones seem to be a theme of late. Since Hello Kitty has never found a technology she didn’t like and want to Kittify (actually, as this blog plainly shows, she has never found anything that she wasn’t willing to Kittify), it really came as no surprise when my wife found a Hello Kitty bluetooth wireless earphone set:

At a cost of $135 (15,750 Yen), the worst part isn’t the price, but that Sanrio has decided to advertise these earphones toward males saying that they’re great for listening to music, school courses, the TV and while playing video games. This, of course, gives the Hello Kitty fanatic the right (in her mind) to insist that her significant other absolutely needs the item (because when has Sanrio ever been wrong?). While I must admit that I wouldn’t mind having wireless bluetooth earphones, one plastered with the evil feline would simply be one more thing to add to my Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Headphones

September 25, 2007 by onezero

Not satisfied with only having the Hello Kitty earphone charms, my wife decided that she needed her headphones to be branded with the omnipresent feline. As is no surprise, she found exactly what she was looking for:

My wife knows that I like music and she got to get me to wear them by telling me the sound was fantastic (yes, I know that if I had even thought about that statement for a split second that I may have saved myself from what was to come. It is impossible for someone who believes the Hello Kitty theme song is good music to have any idea about what good sound is…)

While the event has likely scarred me for life and I’m already showing signs of post traumatic syndrome, I did learn something from the experience. No matter how bad the Hello Kitty theme song sounds over lousy Hello Kitty speakers, it is infinitely worse when wearing Hello Kitty headphones.

Seeing the winces of pain cross my face as I struggled to get the headphones off as quickly as possible before my brain melted, my wife (obviously believing that my contorted facial expressions were some type of appreciation for Hello Kitty) smiled and said, “You should listen to more. You look good wearing Hello Kitty headphones (yeah right – tell me one guy who “looks good” wearing anything Hello Kitty?)

My theory is that the sound waves from the theme song being so close to my ear drums basically have the same effect as an alien probing my brain with sharp objects and no anesthesia or possibly a microwave cooking it into mush. I have no doubt that I’ll need years of therapy to come to terms with the awful experience and the worst part is that it was nothing out of the ordinary for a day in Hello Kitty Hell…

From Patrícia who should have to listen to the Hello Kitty theme song on a daily basis for even thinking of sending these to me…

Hello Kitty WordPress Theme

September 24, 2007 by onezero

For those of you who have been following this blog for awhile, you may have noticed I recently changed the look of the blog. While I eventually chose the theme that you see in front of you, my wife thought that I should go with the Hello Kitty WordPress theme:

Yes, you know things are bad when the evil Kitty has her own WordPress theme. Of course, it makes no sense that this blog would go with such a cutesy theme, but we must once again remember that making sense and being a fanatic of that feline animation character tend to go together as well as oil and water. My wife’s rational for the cute HK theme? “No matter what you write and how much you say bad things about Hello Kitty, most of your readers are Hello Kitty fans. You should appreciate them more and show that appreciation by using the HK theme.” Ouch — one more reminder that I live in Hello Kitty Hell…

No matter, my chosen theme represents how I feel about the cat who is slowly taking over the world (and the dancing devil was starting to drive me nuts). I would like to send out a big thank you to SofaShark who gave me permission to use the image for the header that does so well represent the current life I lead…

Hello Kitty Pirate Tattoo

September 21, 2007 by onezero

I guess something like this shouldn’t surprise me. If there is a Hello Kitty Star Wars stormtrooper tattoo and a Hello Kitty zombie tattoo, it was only inevitable that someone would get a Hello Kitty pirate tattoo (especially with the recent Hello Kitty skull bow tattoo):

Of course, my wife loves it, especially the heart shaped eye patch. And since it was a guy that got it (what is it with guys getting Hello Kitty tattoos? It’s a nightmare come true for me because every time this happens, my wife gives me the “you don’t appreciate Hello Kitty as much as other guys do” lecture), I have to go through another round of explaining why there is no way in Hello Kitty Hell that I’m going to get one. Another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by lovelyhk (via ohxcrap) who should definitely have to get a tattoo with the Hello Kitty prison tattoo gun for even thinking sending this to me was a good idea.

Hello Kitty Fanatic On Tyra Banks

September 20, 2007 by onezero

Reminder – it’s today

Time to mark your TV calendar and set your recording devices. I received an email from another poor soul that lives in Hello Kitty Hell letting me know that he and his girlfriend will be on the Tyra Banks show this Thursday, September 20th to talk about his girlfriend’s Hello Kitty fanaticism. I’m not sure if it is a comfort or an extremely distressing revelation that there is another Hello Kitty fanatic out there that is so obsessed that she warrants time on the mid-day talk shows. Even scarier is that fact that no matter how bad she is, my wife is likely infinitely worse.

If that portion of the show becomes available, let me know and I will post it here so everyone can cringe in horror at what life with a Hello Kitty fanatic is like…

Hello Kitty Car Rims

September 19, 2007 by onezero

I have avoided talking about our car and the continual Hello Kittification of it lately. The reason is simple. The damn thing just freaks me out more and more every time I look at it. All those little Hello Kitty modifications add up over time and it’s embarrassing to be seen in it. It’s not going to be long before my wife orders a pink paint job on the thing which will be the end of me ever riding in it (even though I opt to walk now if possible). Just to give you a glimpse of where it’s heading, my wife told me that she wanted to buy Hello Kitty car rims for it:

No, your eyes do not deceive you. There are people out there that believe that Hello Kitty car rims are “the cutest thing ever” such as my wife. She thinks that these aluminum rims will add the perfect touch to our car for a mere $900 (105,000 Yen) and be the perfect compliment to the Hello Kitty exhaust pipe. She especially likes that the spokes on the rims have different Hello Kitty expressions including a normal expression, a surprised expression and a winking Kitty. I’m surprised that Sanrio just didn’t go with the classic 1974 version that appears to be flipping you off because that would be much more appropriate for these. The worst part? It’s all part of a normal day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Update: And, yes, it can get worse…

Sent in by stellis

Sent in by Halley

Sent in by Brian

Hello Kitty Epson Laptop Computer

September 17, 2007 by onezero

Seriously, how many Hello Kitty computer themes do you really need in this world? There was a time not too long ago that you had to pimp out your own Hello Kitty computer, but that is far from the case these days as Hello Kitty Laptops are now made. In fact, it seems with all the Hello Kitty computer cuteness around, launching a single Hello Kitty laptop theme isn’t enough – so Epson decided to launch two Hello Kitty monogrammed Hello Kitty themes at once to give choice (or if you happen to be a Hello Kitty fanatic like my wife, you want both):

You can even choose one of two themes that you want installed on the laptop:

Theme 1

Theme 2

I can tell you right now that one day having to look at those Hello Kitty icons on my computer and I would be doing serious bodily injury to myself. It would be a nightmare come true. Of course, my wife thinks that the themes are “the cutest things ever” (yeah, I know. I won’t go into another rant about how everything Hello Kitty is the “cutest ever”)

The Epson A4 Hello Kitty Monogrammed Laptop weighs in at 3 kilograms, comes with Windows Vista installed, has an 80GB hard drive with 1GB of memory and a Celeron M 430 (1.73 GHz) chip all for $1,640 (189,000 Yen).

I’m coming to the conclusion that Sanrio employees are monitoring this blog and coming up with these new Hello Kitty items as part of a concerted effort to make my Hello Kitty Hell more hellish. It’s seems quite convenient that after my post about the Hello Kitty wedding rings and how I may have to find an alternative for them, these computers appear for the exact same price. Par for the course in Hello Kitty Hell…