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Cell Phone

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My wife finally got herself a Hello Kitty cell phone, but since the official Hello Kitty cell phones weren’t Hello Kittified enough for her taste, she instead had this monstrosity custom made:

Hello Kitty cell phone

Hello Kitty cellular phone

Since I don’t have a cell phone, my wife insisted that I take hers when I went out shopping yesterday in case she thought of some other things to add to the list she had given me. There’s definitely a Hello Kitty Hell law that states that when someone is living in Hello Kitty Hell and is forced to take some Hello Kitty branded item with them, the moment that that item will need to be used will be at the most embarrassing moment possible. Thus the phone rang right at the moment that I was in the most crowded section of the grocery store.

There is nothing that exudes “strange foreigner” in Japan more than a six foot three inch tall guy taking out a hideously blinged out Hello Kitty cell phone that is playing the Hello Kitty theme song as the ringtone in the middle of a crowded grocery store and having to explain that, “no, I am not lying and pretending I can’t find the Hello Kitty sausages you wanted. They aren’t here” and “yes, I do agree (because I don’t want to sleep in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight) that Hello Kitty pancakes are wonderful and it is also beyond me why the grocery store doesn’t stock Hello Kitty brand pancake mix.”

After talking and hanging up, I of course have every single mother and child in that area of the store looking at me with a raised eyebrow trying to decide if I am just a weird foreigner that likes Hello Kitty or some freaked out lunatic that has no grasp of the reality that grown men don’t have Hello Kitty cell phones (with the latter usually winning out). I immediately sulk away where upon the phone rings again and the entire process starts anew.

And the sad part is that is nothing unusual for a day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Race Queen

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If you ever had any doubt that Hello Kitty wants it all, this should help put it to rest. Not satisfied to been the queen of cuteness, Hello Kitty also wants to be sexy. What other explanation can be found for this Hello Kitty Zent race queen plush:

Hello Kitty race queen

Hello Kitty race queen

Hello Kitty race queen

What exactly is Zent you ask? It’s a Super GT race car team:

Hello Kitty race queen

Just because you associate with women in skimpy outfits does not mean that you, yourself should wear the same outfit. The same holds true with Hello Kitty (like that would ever make a difference to Hello Kitty). Of course, my wife thinks this makes Hello Kitty “both cute and sexy.”

Normally this would not warrant a Hello Kitty Hell entry because on the scale of having to look at Hello Kitty, there are plenty of alternatives in the photo to keep my eyes occupied. If I have to look at Hello Kitty, looking at her being held by women in skimpy outfits ranks much higher on my acceptability scale than just having to look at Hello Kitty. Apparently my “acceptability scale” isn’t appreciated by my wife…

When my wife noticed that I wasn’t itching to change the subject or get way as quickly as possible, her Hello Kitty sense kicked in that something wasn’t quite right. Then she noticed that my eyes were fixated more on the models holding Hello Kitty than Hello Kitty herself. This is when I was informed in no uncertain terms that I am only allowed to “love and adore” my wife and Hello Kitty (not any other women).

I have no problem with the wife part, it’s the damn Hello Kitty part that keeps me in this Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Apple iBook Computer Skin

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While I have no doubt that Hello Kitty will eventually come out with a limited edition Apple iBook (much like the Hello Kitty iPod mini) to compete against the Hello Kitty NEC Lavie G laptop computer, Hello Kitty fanatics aren’t that patient. They need to get their Hello Kitty fix this very second and if they own an Apple iBook, they accomplish this with the Hello Kitty Apple iBook computer skin:

Hello Kitty iBook skin

While I must admit that this is a rather reserved Hello Kittification (I mean, look at how some Hello Kitty fanatics mod their notebooks), you have to view any Hello Kittification as a harbinger of bad things to come (and that eventually means something that leaves you thinking WTF?!? as the Hello Kitty fanatics squeal with delight).

This is a classic Hello Kitty Hell teaser. It’s bad – enough to make non Hello Kitty fanatics cringe at the thought — but since it is obvious it is only the tip of the iceberg of what’s to come, we aren’t sure whether to be relieved or desperately sick…

Thanks to bethany who really should be required to use nothing but Hello Kitty computers for the rest of her life for showing me this…

Update

hello kitty ibook

Left by Jessica on Facebook

Hello Kitty Fetish

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What is the deal with Hello Kitty and masturbation? Apparently the same Hello Kitty that makes me want to continuously vomit brings sexual excitement to far too many people – that is the only explanation to the popularity of the Hello Kitty vibrator and the Hello Kitty S&M Love Hotel Room. This goes to a whole new Hello Kitty Hellish level when just the sight of Hello Kitty is enough to bring this sexual pleasure:

Hello Kitty fetish

I must admit that I don’t understand a good 99% of what makes Hello Kitty fanatics function, but I can safely say that I completely (as in 100%) don’t understand those that have a Hello Kitty sexual fetish. There is something so completely wrong with that idea that is sends shivers up my spine every time I even have to consider it.

I know that all but the most hardened Hello Kitty fanatics are sitting in front of their computers (hopefully not a Hello Kitty computer) staring at the above confession and thinking WTF?!? (if you are even in the slightest bit considering a way to answer why some people might have a Hello Kitty sexual fetish, don’t. You are already over the edge of Hello Kitty fanaticism and any explanation will only provide all of us with worse nightmares tonight).

Yes, I considered this a sign that the world might be ending soon, but realized that that would relieve me from my Hello Kitty Hell suffering which would be much too easy — so not only is it not a sign of the apocalypse, it’s something that some people consider normal. And so another week in Hello Kitty Hell shows that things can continuously get worse than I thought possible the previous week…

Via ConfessMail

Hello Kitty Superhero

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As mentioned previously, Hello Kitty has a problem with other pop culture and invariably tries to make it her own. She has obviously reached the point where all the superheroes have taken too much of the limelight away from her and instead of morphing the superheros into Hello Kitty, she has gone out and created her own Hello Kitty superhero:

Hello Kitty superhero

Hello Kitty super hero

This, of course, begs the question of what superpowers Hello Kitty possesses (this is something that I would really rather not know since it will undoubtedly be something that will make my Hello kitty Hell life worse). My wife thinks that she carries “barbells of love” because “Hello Kitty love will conquer all evil in the world” and a “heart belt of sweetness.” I have no doubt this is true because any enemy would rather end their life right then and there than have to witness either of those two powers in action. Then again, 99% of the world’s population (those that aren’t Hello Kitty fanatics) would also do the same…

Hello Kitty Darts & Cards

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I should have learned by now to keep my mouth shut about what I’m thinking about getting something, because no matter how unlikely it would seem that they would make it in Hello Kitty style, they undoubtedly will and my wife will get it for me. Like Hello Kitty darts:

Hello Kitty darts

Hello Kitty darts

Hello Kitty darts

Hello Kitty darts

Hello Kitty darts

Every once in awhile, as a temporary escape of my Hello Kitty Hell, I will venture down to a local bar and let the cold beer numb my senses so I can make it through another Hello Kitty Hell day. This particular bar has a couple of dart boards and I mentioned in passing last week that I might get myself a set of darts because the ones at the bar get ruined pretty quickly. It was more a “thinking out loud comment” than a statement of any kind and I didn’t even remember making it until today when 3 Hello Kitty dart set styles came to our door.

wife: “Look, a present for you.”

me: “really?” (trying to act enthusiastic knowing that something hideous was coming my way)

wife: “They are Hello Kitty darts. Aren’t they the cutest things ever?!”

me: “um, they make Hello Kitty darts?” (thinking: who the hell would ever buy Hello Kitty darts??? – besides my wife, of course)

wife: “Yes, aren’t they wonderful? Now when you play, Hello Kitty will be on your side so you will always have the power to win. They each have a deck of Hello Kitty cards that match so you can use those when you play poker, too.”

me: “…” (thinking: how the hell am I going to explain having Hello Kitty darts to the guys at the bar and Hello Kitty cards for poker night?)

wife: “Don’t you like them?” (with the Hello Kitty disapproval tone entering her voice)

me: “Oh, yes…umm, yes…they are great” (thinking: just throw the darts at my face as hard as you can from point blank range and use the edges of the cards to slit my wrists – it would be less painful than showing up with them at the bar)

wife: “Then why are you so quiet?” (the Hello Kitty disapproval tone reaching “you’re going to be on the couch with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag” levels)

me: “No, no, no. I’m not quiet. I was just thinking that all the other guys are going to be really jealous and I don’t want them to envy me so much.” (thinking: damn, was that a top notch recovery, or what?)

wife: “If they are that envious, I’ll tell them where they can get their own. Then you can all have Hello Kitty darts and poker cards…”

So while I’m not on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight, I’m dreading the next time I go out and have to take the Hello Kitty darts and Hello Kitty cards with me. It’s hard to put forth an aura of manliness when you have Hello Kitty darts in your hand or when dealing a hand of poker with Hello Kitty cards. The only positive I can see is that the other guys will probably be laughing so hard that they won’t be able to play either and I’ll win by default. Somehow that isn’t a big consolation prize for the Hello Kitty Hell ribbing I’m going to have to take…

Hello Kitty Armband of Shame Video

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The Hello Kitty armband of shame made it onto the Japanese news. Apparently they used the red and white checkered armband shown in previous months, but that armband proved to have the opposite effect and was popular among the police, thus they decided to switch to Hello Kitty to try and shame them…

As would be expected, my wife wants one of these for her Hello Kitty collection. Hopefully there is no police officer married to a Hello Kitty fanatic or he may be forced to get into trouble on a daily basis…