2007 – Page 23 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Skeleton

March 1, 2007 by onezero

After my last post, I wondered if anything might shed a little stream of light into Hello Kitty Hell, and frankly, I wasn’t optimistic. That was until I saw what Hello Kitty looks like underneath all that “cuteness” and I realized that, yep, that was about what I expected. My wife was less thrilled with the rendering that Michael Paulus created:

These Icons are usually grotesquely distorted from the human form from which they derive. Being that they are so commonplace and accepted as existing I thought I would dissect them like science does to all living objects – trying to come to an understanding as to their origins and true physiological make up. Possibly to better understand them and see them in a new light for what they are in the most basic of terms.

I must admit that I prefer the skeletal image of Hello Kitty much better than the one that my wife loves so much. I think I’ll keep this image in my head each time I see Hello Kitty from now on 🙂

Hello Kitty Menstrual Pantie Liners

February 27, 2007 by onezero

Just when you believe you’ve seen it all, Hello Kitty reminds you that there is no bottom in the pit of Hello Kitty Hell. This, my friends, is when you know you have a true Hello Kitty fanatic on your hands. 99.9% of the population would look at these and simply say “WTF?!?” but to a Hello Kitty fanatic, something like this makes perfect sense and you receive a reply like this one from my wife: “What a cute idea, I want those” (I know, I know, you’re asking yourself “HOW is that a cute idea?!?” but it is useless to try and understand). So I present to you the Hello Kitty menstrual pantie liners:

Courtesy (I think) of fork in the comments via ebay

They also come in holiday themes:

Sent in by Xenaspanky

Hello Kitty Thermometer

February 26, 2007 by onezero

Now that my wife is toasty warm in her Hello Kitty heated lap blanket and Hello Kitty foot warmers, she decided that we needed to know how cold it was inside. I don’t need a Hello Kitty thermometer to tell me that I’m damn well cold (why else would I have on pink Hello Kitty foot warmers on my feet?!), but that holds little sway when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. So here is the thermometer she purchased:

Actually, it is ironic in a Hello Kitty Hell kind of way that I need Hello Kitty items to keep me warm and tell me how cold it is while living in a place that should be burning up.

Hello Kitty Chair Massager

February 22, 2007 by onezero

Again, an innocent comment has gotten me into Hello Kitty Hell trouble. Sitting in front of a computer all day isn’t the healthiest activity in the world and when I spend long hours typing away, my lower back sometimes gets sore. I mentioned the other day that my back was feeling the hours I had been putting in to my wife and walked into my computer room to see this attached to my chair: the Hello Kitty chair massager:

All I have to say is that there is something seriously wrong in the world when a grown man has Hello Kitty vibrating underneath him…

Hello Kitty USB Lap Warmer

February 19, 2007 by onezero

My wife is continuing to add to her Hello Kitty computer accessories to the point that she is going to need to get a massive USB hub (I’m sure that they make a Hello Kitty one somewhere and if they don’t, it’s likely already in the works) for all the Hello Kitty gadgets. She has been in love with the Hello Kitty foot warmers ever since she got them (I just never look under my desk and try not to think about the fact that a grown man has his feet in warm, fuzzy pink slippers – can’t be much less manly than that), so when she came across the Hello Kitty USB lap warmer, she had to have it:

My wife is deliriously happy that now not only are her toes toasty warm, both her lap and hands are also warm. She tried to get me to warm my hands, but I have resisted thus far. I’m afraid there may be hidden cameras that will catch the image of me in pink USB warmed slippers and a big, pink Hello Kitty face lap warmer on my knees which will eventually find their way onto some social network site where I will be humiliated to no end…I have no doubt that something like that is what Hello Kitty Hell has in store for me…

Hello Kitty Shower Radio

February 18, 2007 by onezero

One of the worst things about Hello Kitty Hell is that there is no place to escape it. Not even the bath / shower area is Hello Kitty safe. A couple of weeks back my wife decided that we needed a Hello Kitty shower radio to place in the bath area. I can tell you that nothing quite sums up Hello Kitty Hell as having to listen to jpop music (I swear that half the singers sound as if they are friends with Hello Kitty) over a Hello Kitty radio while taking a shower.

Hello Kitty Martini

February 17, 2007 by onezero

Hmmmm, it’s not often that I receive a Hello Kitty email that has me torn between this being a good thing or a bad thing (believe me, 99.9% of Hello Kitty photos sent to me are bad things). On the one hand, it is definitely not a good sign that they have started to name drinks after Hello Kitty. On the other hand, if you have to have something Hello Kitty in Hello Kitty Hell, having it come with strong alcohol included (to dull the inevitable pain) is certainly a plus. And unlike the Hello Kitty Sake and Hello Kitty Red Wine, this can’t really be saved for display. Thus I introduce to you the Hello Kitty Martini

Ingredients:
3 oz strawberry vodka
1/2 oz gin
1 1/2 oz peach schnapps

Directions:
Add all the above ingredients into a martini glass pouring over crushed ice. Stir well then garnish the glass with a strawberry (Hello Kitty bow)

Maybe the house won’t look quite so bad if I have a handful of these each night 😉

Thanks (I think) to dlbuegirl

Hello Kitty Press On Nails

February 17, 2007 by onezero

You know it’s going to be a bad day in Hello Kitty Hell when you hear the words, “Honey, do you want to see the new thing I got in the mail?” This is because you have already fallen into a trap from where there is no escape. Even though there is absolutely no intrigue in the question – I already know that it is going to be something Hello Kitty and it is going to be something bad – I have to act excited, but of course, not too excited. If I don’t act excited, then my lack of appreciation will get me in trouble, but if I act too excited, then she knows I’m faking enthusiasm and I will get into trouble. Ahhh, the thin line I have to tight rope along living in Hello Kitty Hell (which I must say, I have well perfected).

The problem with today was that it went on beyond the initial “look at this” and I was actually asked for my opinion. This part of Hello Kitty Hell I still haven’t perfected and almost always results with me taking out the Hello Kitty sleeping bag.

Of course I didn’t get the answer right (note to self: “whichever you like best” won’t cut it in Hello Kitty Hell — when answering any question related to which Hello Kitty item I like best, remember the correct answer is “all of them” according to my wife) and paid the Hello Kitty Hell price…

Update: You actually thought that more of this hideousness wouldn’t be produced?

Hello Kitty press on nails that spell Hello Kitty

Sent in by Jen

It Ain't Going To Happen

February 16, 2007 by onezero

Don’t even bother asking, it isn’t going to happen. All your pleading, whining, and crying have absolutely no effect on me because basically, I don’t care. In fact, it rather brings a smile to my face seeing Hello Kitty fanatics whine and plead for something they can’t find (kind of like Hello Kitty Hell in reverse and it almost seems poetic in justice – my wife, the ultimate Hello Kitty fanatic, doesn’t only bring Hello Kitty Hell on me, but also onto other Hello Kitty fanatics because they can’t find what they want). Maybe there is a higher being after all…

I live in Hello Kitty Hell so there is absolutely no way I am going to spend any of my time searching, looking or even telling you where you can find any of the Hello Kitty stuff my wife locates (I view this as a good samaritan service to all human beings across the world on my part so they don’t have to look at even more Hello Kitty – and especially to any significant others you may have. I bet they would even pay me for this service.)

Or maybe I should just put it in words that any Hello Kitty fanatic should be able to understand: Hello Kitty Hell has no mouth – you’ll simply have to find the answer with your heart 😉

Hello Kitty Pasta

February 16, 2007 by onezero

Yikes…the Hello Kitty Hell food issue is fast becoming a train with no brakes. It has progressed to the point where I’m not sure there is anything I can do to stop it as my wife finds more and more Hello Kitty food that is not pure sugar. Her latest purchase to prove to me that Hello Kitty can be healthy is a box of Hello Kitty macaroni pasta. Even worse, it comes in a decorative Hello Kitty jar so even after the pasta is gone, there will still be more Hello Kitty in the house:

Sitting down to a meal with Hello Kitty food on a Hello Kitty plate pretty well sums up the Hello Kitty Hell I’m living in. Why don’t they invent a Hello Kitty garbage disposal…that might be something Hello Kitty I could get into…

Update: I thought that moving away from Japan would allow me to escape Hello Kitty Hell pasta nights — apparently the evil feline was having none of that making her way into foreign countries: