March 2008 – Page 3 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Dracula Vampire Tattoo

March 6, 2008 by onezero

Although I find it quite disturbing that Hello Kitty tattoos exist at all, the sheer number of Hello Kitty tattoos that are out there (and even more frighteningly, get sent to me) takes disturbing to a whole other level. The latest in this line of disturbing body art is the Hello Kitty Dracula tattoo:

I don’t understand what the fascination is with combining Hello Kitty with something else as a tattoo (then of course, I don’t understand combining Hello Kitty with anything, or merely Hello Kitty in herself, so I guess that makes it all a moot point anyway…) All I can say is that this tattoo is somewhat appropriate with the mix since Hello Kitty’s main goal is to suck the lifeblood of all those who happen to live with a Hello Kitty fanatic…

Of course, my wife loves it and has added it to her growing collection of tattoos that she wants (it’s now simply a matter of time before I come home to find her first tattoo which will undoubtedly lead to her entire body covered in tattoos of the evil feline). That is something that is not being looked forward to in Hello Kitty Hell at all…

Sent in by jasmine who deserves to have a Hello Kitty Dracula suck all the blood from her body for even thinking for a split second that sending this to me could ever be a good idea…

Update: When it rains, it pours…Brian (of Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo and Hello Kitty Darth Vader tattoo fame) has also recently done a Hello Kitty vampire tattoo:

Hello Kitty Volkswagen Bug (for sale)

March 5, 2008 by onezero

It seems that the Hello Kitty VW bug that I mentioned earlier is currently up for auction on eBay:

Of course, upon seeing this my wife wanted us to buy immediately buy it. While the mere fact that Hello Kitty Hell exists pretty much is proof that no God exists, some higher being was looking down upon me in that the Hello Kitty bug is located in Australia so that she can’t get it. I’ll take anything I can get when living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Katherine who deserves unthinkable punishment for scaring me to death in thinking that we might have such a car in our driveway for the few minutes it took me to realize it wasn’t in Japan or the US…

Hello Kitty Face Mask

March 3, 2008 by onezero

I don’t get colds. I refuse. I take extra precautions to the point of obsession. This has absolutely nothing to do with fear of germs or being compulsive about cleanliness, but every thing to do with the torture and humiliation I have to endure if I do ever catch a cold.

Thus is was with great regret that I actually caught my first cold in years this past week which basically is the worst thing that can happen in the world if you live in Hello Kitty Hell. It’s not the stuffy nose, sore throat or headache that is bad — those are merely minor symptoms compared to the pain and embarrassment of having to roam around with a Hello Kitty face mask:

In Japan, you wear these when you have a cold so that you don’t give your cold to other people. I have absolutely no problem with this concept except when Hello Kitty is plastered on the front of the face mask. It is just so wrong in so many ways when a 6 foot 3 inch foreigner wanders the streets of Japan with a Hello Kitty face mask on and it isn’t only me that sees it this way. You can see the sheer terror in the eyes of the Japanese when they see me, undoubtedly believing that I’m going to hack them to pieces at any moment because that is the type of crazy foreigner that would actually wear a Hello Kitty face mask.

My wife, of course, thinks that it’s the cutest thing ever to the point where she wants to walk around town together with matching Hello Kitty face masks on. She says that it is good practice for when the bird flu arrives and I may have to spend months wearing these Hello Kitty face masks. Somehow dying from the bird flu doesn’t sound all that bad when looking at the alternative of living…

This means that for the next week I have the choice of being cooped up in our house with no escape from the Hello Kitty Hellishness that is somehow still referred to as our house (although it really looks more like the worst pink nightmare that you could ever imagine) or I must venture out to endure the extreme humiliation that would be considered cruel and unusual torture if forced upon any enemy combatants during a time of war. Alas, this is a common dilemma when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Bedroom

March 2, 2008 by onezero

Receiving emails with Hello Kitty photos attached is disturbing in itself, but even more disturbing is the trend of people sending me photos of their personal Hello Kitty stuff:

Here is a simple question. Why in the world would I want to look at your Hello Kitty crap when I already have to spend the entire day looking at all my wife’s Hello Kitty crap? For all those that keep sending me photos of their Hello Kitty stuff, please be clear about the following:

1. No matter how Hello Kittified your room, house or life is, it’s still paltry compared to my wife.

2. I realize that it bothers you to no end that there is someone out there that has more Hello Kitty stuff than you, but I’m not going to send you photos of all my wife’s Hello Kitty crap so that you can see how much further you have to go to top her.

3. I will not go through the list of Hello Kitty things that you send to me and tell you which ones my wife has and which ones she doesn’t. I would rather go to the dentist and have a root canal performed without any anesthesia than do something like that.

4. I could really care less how much time it has taken you to lay out all your Hello Kitty crap so that you could take a photo of it to send to me. Instead of whining that your effort should get the photo posted on this blog, save yourself time and me the horror of seeing it and just don’t do it.

5. While you may think it would be fun to be the penfriend of some guy that bashes on Hello Kitty on a regular basis, the thought of that is one of my worst nightmares so please stop asking.

6. While you may think that I’m a complete (insert expletive of choice here) because I don’t use your photos on this blog or write back to you when you email me, think of this as me actually being kind. If I did either, you would be even more offended.

7. Your 1000 word essays to me on why Hello Kitty is great is a waste of both your time and mine. In fact, I read the first 2 sentences (if that much) and then hit delete.

8. Yes, I realize that there are other Sanrio characters that exist. No, I’m not going to make a blog about them, too, because you want me to “find obscure photos of these characters so you don’t have to spend all your time looking for them.” And no, I’m not going to send you another email explaining in more detail than my previous answer of simply stating “No” — which, if I might say, I thought was quite generous on my part to even reply with that.

9. No, I am not willing to help you find some Hello Kitty crap that you have been searching for for the last 10 years even if it isn’t listed on this blog. Since I’ve already made it clear that I’m not going to tell you where you can get the Hello Kitty crap on this site, I thought that this would be obvious, but apparently I still underestimate the common sense of Hello Kitty fanatics.

10. Your offer to send nude photos of you and your friends in exchange to find out where you can buy some of the crap on this blog, while inventive, would leave me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag even longer than when I say bad things about Hello Kitty — therefore it’s not an acceptable trade no matter how beautiful you think you are.

Unfortunately, these are a typical monthly round of emails when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Photo sent in by Cangela11 who, among all the others who have contributed to the above list, deserves unthinkable torture for believing that it could in any way, shape or form be a good idea to send any of their photos or emails to me…

Hello Kitty Polski Fiat Car

March 1, 2008 by onezero

I have long learned that it is never a good idea to open my email in the morning if I have been drinking the night before. Seeing Hello Kitty emails is bad enough, but viewing Hello Kitty emails with a hangover is just about the worst way to wake up in the morning. Lately, however, just opening the emails with the evil feline inside seems to bring on the same feeling as the worst hangover could. I know for sure that it’s never good to get up in the morning and open up your email to find a Pepto Bismol colored monstrocity like this facing you — the Hello Kitty Polski Fiat:

Here is the difference between a normal person and a Hello Kitty fanatic. While my head is spinning and I feel an intense headache coming on, the only thing I’m thinking is, “Why in the world would anyone want to ride around in something like that?” At the same moment, my wife is cheery as the sun with a huge smile on her face saying, “That is sooooo cute. Don’t you think we should get something like that?” Of course, all this leads me to believe I should have gotten extremely drunk last night if I’m going to have to spend the day feeling like I have an hangover anyway…

The only good thing I can say about this is that the quality seems to give a good representation of how most Hello Kitty goods are made. Apparently in the past cars under licence of the Italian car maker FIAT were manufactured or assembled in Poland. I’m told that these cars are referred to as the Polski Fiat (literally in English: the Polish Fiat) which was considered a Polish car brand.

Sent in by Yocoo who took the photos in Miskolc, Hungary which in itself brings up some disturbing trends: 1) People are actually taking photos for the sole purpose of sending them to me and 2) People all over the world are now sending me random Hello Kitty photos. Of course, both of these in addition to even thinking that it would be a good idea to send me something like this means that she should have to drive around in a car like this for the rest of her life or something similarly as torturous…