onezero – Page 84 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Business Card Case

August 8, 2007 by onezero

This is why Hello Kitty brings hell to the spouses of Hello Kitty fanatics. It’s bad enough that my wife “had to have” the Hello Kitty Gold business card. The problem is once you have the outrageously expensive business card, where do you keep it? In an outrageously expensive Hello Kitty business card holder, of course:

Hello Kitty business card holder close-up

This business card holder is made of 24 karat gold and covered with Swarovski crystal beads and costs a mere $225 (27,300 yen). My wife thinks it’s stylish and cute and makes the perfect fit for the gold Hello Kitty business card.

This is where Hello Kitty excels – not only does she come up with completely useless things that she knows Hello Kitty fanatics will have to have, once she does, she comes up with accessories for the completely useless things. I have no doubt that she will also develop useless accessories for the useless accessories of the useless items (perhaps a gold threaded business card holder bag so that the Swarovski crystals don’t get damaged?). Then of course there will need to be a useless accessory for the useless accessory for the useless accessory of the useless item and so on…

I have no doubt that there is a reason that this Hello Kitty business card holder comes with crossed bones behind is it foreshadows my Hello Kitty Hell future. If you pick any Hello Kitty item, you can create a spider web of useless accessories linking them all together and I’m that struggling insect trapped in the web fighting to break free as Hello Kitty comes forth ready to sink her fangs into me and insert just enough venom to paralyze me, yet keep me alive so she can slowly suck the life out of me over a long period of time…that my friends, is a glimpse of what Hello Kitty Hell feels like…

Hello Kitty Tarot Cards

August 7, 2007 by onezero

Not satisfied to simply take over mainstream religion, Hello Kitty also has delved into the alternatives such as these tarot cards:

It doesn’t surprise me in the least bit that Hello Kitty believes that she can predict your future (and I’m sure she knows the Hellish future that she has in store for me…and I can only imagine that this makes her silently giggle – since she doesn’t have a mouth – with great pleasure). I also have no doubt that the death card would show up time and again in any reading I had…

Of course, my wife see this as yet another positive that Hello Kitty has brought to the world: “If people would let Hello Kitty’s love inside by using these cards, their future would be so much brighter and filled with love.”

The Hello Kitty high priestess has undoubtedly blessed upon me yet another day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by many readers all of which should have to listen to the future predictions of Hello Kitty and live with them for having enough time to find these. You can see the entire set at samiam010203’s flickr photo set

Armband of Shame

August 5, 2007 by onezero

Apparently the police in Thailand have come up with the perfect way to keep their police officers in line – threaten to make them wear a pink Hello Kitty armbands to discipline them for such things as being late for work, parking in prohibited areas, fighting, failing to report for duty and giving poor service:

This is apparently not a joke and is intended to shame police officers into doing a better job and from repeating offences. The department has 10 armbands available that will begin being used this week. Just to make things a bit worse, first-time offenders must accompany the officer rostered as deputy chief of the day which means wearing the armband to all the major offices within the Crime Suppression Division.

Living in Hello Kitty Hell and knowing what it feels like to walk around with Hello Kitty, I have a feeling that this project will either be a great success or the Thai government will be overthrown in protest – with the edge going toward a complete government overthrow.

Of course, my wife doesn’t see it quite the same way. “If all police officers wore Hello Kitty armbands, the public would love and respect them a lot more. The Hello Kitty armband should be a part of every police uniform…”

It seems that I won’t be the only person living in Hello Kitty Hell this week…

via Bangkok Post (better photo courtesy of Chris)

Hello Kitty Eco Bag

August 4, 2007 by onezero

Only Hello Kitty can do something like this and actually convince Hello Kitty fanatics (like my wife) that they are spending their money wisely while helping the environment. My wife, knowing that I prefer to be eco friendly when possible, decided that I could not object to the Hello Kitty Eco Bag:

Now my impression of an eco-bag is something big enough to carry a sack full of groceries that you would use instead of plastic or paper. If it’s made out of recycled or renewable material, all the better. Sanrio, however, has a different take on what an “eco-bag” represents.

In Hello Kitty’s world, you take some recycled material, mold it into a purse, slap Hello Kitty’s face and 2000 Swarovski crystal beads on it and it magically becomes the “Hello Kitty Eco Bag” for the cost of a mere $875 (105,000 yen).

While it doesn’t really surprise me that this would be Sanrio’s version of Hello Kitty and being eco friendly at the same time (come on, eco friendly is a “hot” marketing area right now and when have you ever known Hello Kitty to try not to invade any hot marketing area?), I would think their attempt would be a bit less commercially obvious…until I realized they were marketing to Hello Kitty fanatics

While any normal person would see right through this lame attempt by Hello Kitty to be part of the eco friendly crowd, Hello Kitty fanatics actually believe this crap. wife: “It is great that Hello Kitty is embracing the environment and helping to save the earth. It goes to show all the love that Hello Kitty has for everything. I think I will get one to show my support for this great cause.”

And with that I reached one of those no win Hello Kitty Hell choices: Do I try to explain that Hello Kitty doesn’t give a crap about being eco friendly and end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag or do I keep my mouth shut with a smile on my faced and glazed eyes like a deer on the side of the road about to be slammed into by a 18 wheel truck? I should know better by now on which is the correct choice in this situation having spent this much time in Hello Kitty Hell and I would give you the details how I failed to choose that correct path, but it’ll have to wait until later as I’ve been sent to the closet to retrieve my bedding for the night…

Hello Kitty Zombie Tattoo

August 3, 2007 by onezero

Hello Kitty tattoos were bad. The Hello Kitty Star Wars tattoo took things to a whole new level. The Hello Kitty batman tattoo topped even those so this latest Hello Kitty tattoo seems horrifyingly appropriate for Hello Kitty Hell:

This was accompanied by the following email:

First off, I am a HUGE hello kitty fan and love her do death.

I also love zombies so I thought it was the perfect match.

Anthony from Yankee Tattoo in Burlington, Vermont did this on Wednesday and I just wanted to share it with you.

There are so many things completely wrong with the tattoo and email that I don’t even know where to begin, but since I have to begin somewhere, it distresses me to no end that more and more of the Hello Kitty emails I get no longer ask me to show a photo to my wife, but are being written specifically to me. It is beyond my comprehension why Hello Kitty fanatics feel the urge “to share it with me” knowing that all I’m going to do is ridicule it because that is what I do in this blog — ridicule all things Hello Kitty.

It seems that even for Hello Kitty fans, Hello Kitty is no longer enough and the hybrid Hello Kitty is the tattoo of choice. Why anyone would want to mix Hello Kitty with anything other than possibly a barrel of dynamite is way beyond my comprehension, but apparently Hello Kitty fanatics, in their Hello Kitty daze (which coincidentally has the remarkable resemblance of a zombie stare), feel that a Hello Kitty zombie is cute.

wife: “See, even the dead are cute when they let Hello Kitty into their hearts.”

I keep hoping that I will find some redeeming quality about living in Hello Kitty Hell and day after day, I’m shown that not only is there nothing that comes close to being redeeming, but what I imagine is the worst that Hello Kitty Hell can get is only a preview of things to come…

Thanks to Erika who really should have to live with Hello Kitty zombies for even thinking that sending me this photo would be a good idea…

Update: Because there always have to be more than one Hello Kitty zombie tattoo:

Sent in by Patrick

Apparently Hello Kitty zombie likes hearts just as much as brains:

Sent in by numerous readers

Hello Kitty zombie tattoo below the belt

First sent in by Ray

Sent in by ruthven78

Sent in by Maria

Hello Kitty Banana

August 2, 2007 by onezero

While I already know that Hello Kitty produces the most useless products in the world, I had failed to see up to this point the grand scheme of Hello Kitty’s total take over. If you have a Hello Kitty banana cover, of course you must cover a Hello Kitty banana with it:

“Why in the world would anyone need a Hello Kitty banana?” is probably a cleaned up G-rated version of what just popped into your head upon seeing this (unless, of course, you are a Hello Kitty fanatic to which you think this us yet, the greatest thing ever). I mean seriously, why would anyone buy Hello Kitty brand bananas, right?

wife: “Because obviously (giving that look like I’m the stupidest person on earth and why does she have to explain the obvious to a grown man) they are the sweetest bananas produced.”

This, of course, has my wife thinking once again that an all Hello Kitty food diet would be a good thing for us and that is a step further into Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Heather who should not only have to eat Hello Kitty bananas for the rest of her life, but carry them around in the Hello Kitty banana protector as well for sending me this photo.

Hello Kitty Media

August 1, 2007 by onezero

If you want to know why your newspapers and magazines are filled with crap, it’s because Hello Kitty has even brainwashed the media into Hello Kitty fanaticism where they can’t believe that Hello Kitty is anything but “fantastic”:

Hi There,

I work for the World Entertainment News Network (WENN) where we have offices all around the world. WENN is a news and picture agency that provides the media worldwide with news, photos & features. A friend of mine has came across your website and your fantastic Crystal Hello Kitty Doll and has passed the link over to me.

I think your idea of this Hello Kitty doll is fantastic and would like to try and get some free publicity for you and your idea. We have close contacts within the press and magazines both here in the UK and Worldwide. Would it be possible for you to supply us with images of your hello kitty crystal doll and a little bit of information that we could use in a possible feature that we could put together to supply to the press and magazines. I could use your information from your website if this would be okay with you.

Obviously a credit would be given to yourself giving you more exposure and visitors to your web site. We would also supply you with a copy of any feature that made it to print.

If you have any high resolution photos you could send me by email that would be fantastic, images should be as large as possible, ideally at 300dpi but as big or as high a resolution as possible would be great.

Hope to hear from you soon. Have a good day.

WTF??? This person must be illiterate because for some unfathomable reason she believes that it is mine (obviously not the case which she would know if she actually read the post). Furthermore, if it was in this house, it would most definitely not be mine and there is little chance that my wife would let me get near it. Lastly, if you read even a single post on this blog, you would instinctively know that “Hello Kitty” and “fantastic” would never be used in the same sentence unless there are a lot of explosives detonating in the same sentence as well.

Obviously if the media can’t read, you’re going to get crap in the media. The sad thing is that this is becoming more common. I get several emails like this each month now. I’ve even received emails from Sanrio employees asking me to plug their new stuff (my theory is that they are all taking hallucinogenic drugs as that would explain many of the things that they create and why they would email me to try and promote Hello Kitty). Seriously, why would anyone with an IQ higher than that of single cell organism get the idea that I like Hello Kitty, let alone that I think that anything related to hello Kitty would be my idea of a good thing?

You know that Hello Kitty Hell is getting bad when the media are so blinded by the draw of Hello Kitty that they will contact me in an effort to promote her…

Hello Kitty Transformer

July 31, 2007 by onezero

In her undying quest to be involved in anything pop culture, Hello Kitty has morphed into a Hello Kitty sewing machine transformer:

My wife thinks this is “the greatest thing ever” (but then everything Hello Kitty is the greatest thing ever – no point trying to argue that it is impossible for everything to be “the greatest thing ever” at the same time, because while normal people know this makes absolutely no sense, we once again find that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t care) and wants one for herself.

wife: “I want one of those. It’s the greatest thing ever!”

me: “I don’t think it’s real…”

wife: “You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to get one. Just like the Hello Kitty car tail pipe.”

me: “no, that’s not true…” (thinking: “this is bad…I’m never going to be able to use that trick again…”)

wife: “It’s a toy you would like. I’ll let you play with it too.”

me: “That’s funny…” (accidentally laughing out loud thinking: “this is the person who sent me to the couch for a week because I used Hello Kitty toilet paper properly…”)

wife: “You don’t believe me!?” (with the Hello Kitty Hell look starting to sparkle in her eye – me thinking: “uh oh, this is not good…abandon ship…get out of this conversation as quickly as possible”)

me: (stammering trying to recover) “no…no, that’s not what I meant at all. What I meant was that I know how valuable everything Hello Kitty is to you and wouldn’t dream of disturbing your Hello Kitty items…” (thinking: “damn, you’re getting better at this. That was one hell of a comeback!”)

wife: “So what you’re saying is that I can get it and you won’t touch it.”

me: “Right” (thinking: whew, that was a close one and no Hello Kitty sleeping bag and couch tonight)

It took me a few minutes to realize the Hello Kitty conversation had ended much too amicably and going through the conversation again, I began to wonder if I had just told her it was OK to buy a Hello Kitty sewing machine? Now I sit here in a classic Hello Kitty Hell quandary – if I bring up the subject again, I’ll likely end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag, but if I don’t say anything, I’m bound to find a Hello Kitty sewing machine transformer at our door soon (yes, even if I know it doesn’t exist, believe me, she’ll figure out a way to find one…) Another typical no win situation day in Hello Kitty Hell.

Thanks to linda (via something awful) who should have to buy a Hello Kitty transformer sewing machine and use it daily for bringing this to my wife’s attention…

Hello Kitty Gold Figures & Pendants

July 30, 2007 by onezero

Sanrio is the master of series which are made specifically to suck in the Hello Kitty fanatic. Our house would be a fraction of the Hello Kitty Hell it is if series didn’t exist. That’s because it is impossible for a Hello Kitty fanatic to get a single item from any series without getting the rest (or whining excessively about how they don’t have the rest). That can get expensive when my wife sees things like these Hello Kitty gold figures and pendants:

So it should not come as a surprise that my wife won’t be satisfied with just one, but wants the entire collection. That means instead of just over $200 for one figure, it will end up being $2400 for the set plus another $1500 ($125 each) for the pendant set. Sanrio knows that fanatics want the entire set, so they release them over a period of time figuring that most would balk at paying nearly $4000 at one time, but would be more than willing to cumulatively purchase that same amount over an extended period.

Of course, when I explain how Sanrio is trying to manipulate my wife into buying more stuff, she’ll have none of it. “All they want to do is spread more love and cheer to the world.” While any normal person would gag when reading the around the world adventure story that accompanies these gold figures, the Hello Kitty fanatics eat it up:

Saying farewell to her friends and already missing her mother’s apple pie, Hello Kitty was ready to venture into new horizons, meeting new friends and spreading the message of love along the way. With her passport, T-shirts, and luggage ready, Hello Kitty began her fantastic adventure as an ambassador of love and friendship.

I think I’ll just empty the contents of my stomach now and get ready to endure another Hello Kitty Hell day…

Thanks to deede who should be forced to purchase these for every one of her children for having informed my wife of their existence.

Dog

July 27, 2007 by onezero

It doesn’t take long for Hello Kitty fanatics to take a bad idea of the Hello Kitty cat and make it even worse. When it comes to Hello Kittifying, no pet is safe, even if you’re a dog:

Living in Hello Kitty Hell, I know the humiliation that this dog must feel. While it may be physically less painful than the Hello Kitty dog tattoo, mentally this dog is a goner (of course, my wife has a different take: “Awwww, that is so cute!! The owner must love that dog so much!). The real question is where will this Hello Kittification of pets end, and my guess is that if Sanrio – and Hello Kitty fanatics – have their way, it’s not going to be a pretty sight to any non Hello Kitty fanatic in the end…

Thanks to Kristin (via RavenNW) who should be forced to walk down the street wearing this Hello Kitty costume for even thinking of bringing this to my attention.

Update: More unfortunate creatures that must have done something unthinkably terrible in their previous life to end up being a pet of a Hello Kitty fanatic:

Sent in by lauraschue via The Pink Paw

Sent in by Gina