One mans hell with cute overload
No, we don’t have a dog, but that doesn’t matter in the least bit for my wife who wants this $30,000 Hello Kitty Doghouse:
While it may be better than tattooing a dog with Hello Kitty, it’s not better by much. You have to feel sorry for any dog that must live in a Hello Kitty dog house…hmmm, not much different from me being in the dog house in a Hello Kitty sleeping back on the couch, although my sleeping area isn’t the price of a fancy car…the irony of Hello Kitty Hell.
I know that it is going to be a truly Hello Kitty Hellish day when my wife screams, “OMG!! You’ve got to come here and look at this!!!! It is soooooo cute!” I should have learned by now when those words exit my wife’s mouth, the only logical course of action is to induce some life threatening injury to myself and hope that I die before I am forced to see whatever hideous Hello Kitty item has made her squeal with such joy. Alas, somewhere my mind makes a grave judgemental error and stops me from doing the merciful thing by rationalizing that Hello Kitty Hell can’t possible get any worse than it already is. That, of course, is proven to be incorrect time and again and I realize that death would have been a lot less painful than having to see and hear about yet another Hello Kitty item.
This is especially true when it comes to Hello Kitty fashion. There is something that makes Hello Kitty fanatics believe that anything Hello Kitty makes clothes look cute, while the rest of us simply want to vomit when seeing it. I can’t think of a better example than this monstrosity which my wife thinks is absolutely fabulous:
I know, I know. You’re looking at that and saying to yourself that it must be a Halloween party costume or something (while valiantly trying to keep the food in your stomach). Any normal person has to make an assumption like this because it is simply too difficult to perceive that anyone, even a Hello Kitty fanatic, could view something like this as high fashion. Unfortunately, it is all too real…
So as you sit looking at your computer in disbelief, rejoice in that fact that you are not living with someone that actually is searching for one of these and has decided that if she can’t find one, she will make one herself (see, I knew a self inflicted wound and quick death — or even a long, drawn out death — would have been less painful…) And pray that the next time my wife shouts those words, I have enough sense to put myself out of my Hello Kitty Hell misery…
Underneath that sugary sweetness, the real Hello Kitty emerges:
Thanks to dean who I will forgive for sending this since he exposed the true Hello Kitty within…
One of the many (many, many…) problems with Hello Kitty is that subtlety is not a word in her vocabulary. That means that instead of quietly sitting on the sideline waiting for the fanatics that have been blinded by her hellish, evil side, to come and find her products, she has to get in everyone’s face. Hello Kitty flowers on an individual basis are not enough…especially when an entire field will do:
You go to the tulip garden to see the beautiful flowers and end up having to stare at Hello Kitty’s face. It’s like a Hello Kitty Hell nightmare come true. Not satisfied with the human race, Hello Kitty also is after the complete domination of nature. Flowers in themselves are no longer beautiful enough and thus must form Hello Kitty to be appreciated. At least with a Hello Kitty crop circle, you have the faint possibility that an alien ship will appear and take you away from the Hellish scene you are witnessing, but there is no such hope with a tulip mural…
Of course, my wife’s reaction was a bit different than mine: “That is the cutest thing ever! We have to go and see it….I think everyone should plant their garden so Hello Kitty appears in it and then the world would be a happier and nicer place. I think we should try it.”
It’s this “we” part when talking about Hello Kitty projects that is the real source of Hello kitty Hell. It’s not like I volunteer for these things, but somehow I’m always included. So now not only am I going to have to go and see Hello Kitty flower gardens (oh, won’t that be a joyous trip), but my wife will also attempt (with me doing most of the labor) to turn our garden into something similar. It doesn’t get much more Hello Kitty Hellish than that…
Thanks to Danielle for emailing the photo of a tulip festival at Tanto town in Toyooka city, western Japan – she should have to stare at Hello Kitty flower arrangements for the rest of her life…
Not being satisfied to take over all mainstream cultures, Hello Kitty is now attempting to take over literally ALL cultures as can be seen in this Hello Kitty Maori creation:
I have no doubt that the staff at Sanrio have already sent people deep into the Amazon jungle looking for long lost tribes to convert to the Hello Kitty way. Hello Kitty Hell will soon be a reality for everyone…
Thanks to duncan (via artist Joseph), who should be forced to dress up like Hello Kitty in every culture for emailing this.
I know it is going to be a Hello Kitty Hellish day when my wife screams with excitement about a new Hello Kitty place she wants to visit. It appears that there is a women’s hospital in Taiwan that has a Hello Kitty room for expectant mothers. It is decorated with pictures of Hello Kitty and Mimmy and who knows what else…
I suppose this is their way of making the father go through the same pain and nausea as the mother giving birth, although I suspect that having to stay in a Hello Kitty decorated room waiting for your baby to arrive is actually more painful for the father. It certainly isn’t a positive sign of what the man can expect in future years.
My wife’s interest in this concerns me on a number of levels, but I have these terrible thoughts that we are going to end up going from the Hello Kitty love hotel to this Hello Kitty hospital. The only upside I can see in this whole situation is that it may possibly mean I don’t have to spend so many nights on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag, but I’m not sure that even that is worth the price for the obvious future Hello Kitty Hell I will have to endure…
Thanks (I think) to Cindy who should be forced to have all her kids born at this hospital
Somehow this seems like a Hello Kitty alter ego that is probably deep within her, although I still think she is scarier without the mask (although the fact that a Hello Kitty chainsaw really does exist is even scarier):
Sent in by duncan (via artist Joseph)
Update: You knew there was no way that the Jason x Hello Kitty theme would ever end with just one item:
Sent in by Rob
There are a lot of things that are just plain wrong with Hello Kitty fanatics. Getting a Hello Kitty tattoo is one of them. Getting a Hello Kitty Star Wars tattoo is even worse. But when Hello Kitty fanatics start tattooing their dog with Hello Kitty, there has been a boundary that has been crossed. Can there be a bigger insult if you are a dog? Having to go around in life with a Hello Kitty tattoo because you owner thought it would be “cute.” That dog must have been teased mercilessly by the other dogs at the park…
Which leads me to my latest Hello Kitty fear. If a Hello Kitty fanatic would be willing to place a Hello Kitty tattoo on their dog, then obviously my wife would have no problem tattooing me with Hello Kitty. I think I’m going to have to be extra careful from now on when I go out drinking or I may end up with they same exact Hello Kitty Hell that dog must endure…
This was sent in by a number of readers including hellopink, Tim, Hayley and cuterthanu – may all of you have to wear a Hello Kitty tattoo yourself…
One of the most annoying aspects of Hello Kitty (okay, that was a pretty lousy initial sentence since there really aren’t any aspects of Hello Kitty that aren’t annoying) is her inability to stay out of other fan based phenomenons. She has to be a part of anything and everything that has the least bit of pop culture popularity. It is the reason that you see stuff like a Hello Kitty Darth Vader or this little piece that should make any Star Trek fan want to vomit (hey, come on over to my place, I will soon have a Hello Kitty toilet which will be the perfect place for you to do so):
Yes, that is a Star Trek Hello Kitty Klingon that showed up at a science fiction convention last year. Makes you want to take out your Star Trek phaser and nuke her, doesn’t it?
My wife has a simpler explanation. “All pop culture wants to embrace the sweetness of Hello Kitty. That is why you see her everywhere. She brings happiness wherever she goes.” Maybe I’ll be using that new toilet myself to get sick in…
Photos copyright by The General at GeneralGeneral.com, used with permission. Costume from the science fiction convention Convergence 2006. You can see more photos at his new site Klingon Hello Kitty.
You knew that it would be impossible for Hello Kitty to stop at Hello Kitty toilet paper and when the Hello Kitty bathtub made it’s presence known, I had that haunting Hello Kitty Hell feeling what was going to be coming next. Of course, my wife thinks we need the Hello Kitty toilet to compliment all the Hello Kitty crap that is already in our bathroom:
As a guy, I’m not sure if there is anything more humiliating than going to the toilet, lifting the lid to take a piss and having Hello Kitty staring back at you the entire time. There is just something extremely wrong with that image and yet I see that image becoming a reality in the days to come. Sometimes the worst part of Hello Kitty Hell is already knowing what life is going to be like in the near future…
from yen in the comments…who should be forced to live with a Hello Kitty bathroom for the rest of her life…
Update: You knew that one Hello Kitty toilet would never be enough for Hello Kitty fanatics. Seen at 3 apples by Cindy:
and more:
Sent in by shilah