One mans hell with cute overload
No, we don’t have a dog, but that doesn’t matter in the least bit for my wife who wants this $30,000 Hello Kitty Doghouse:
While it may be better than tattooing a dog with Hello Kitty, it’s not better by much. You have to feel sorry for any dog that must live in a Hello Kitty dog house…hmmm, not much different from me being in the dog house in a Hello Kitty sleeping back on the couch, although my sleeping area isn’t the price of a fancy car…the irony of Hello Kitty Hell.
I know that it is going to be a truly Hello Kitty Hellish day when my wife screams, “OMG!! You’ve got to come here and look at this!!!! It is soooooo cute!” I should have learned by now when those words exit my wife’s mouth, the only logical course of action is to induce some life threatening injury to myself and hope that I die before I am forced to see whatever hideous Hello Kitty item has made her squeal with such joy. Alas, somewhere my mind makes a grave judgemental error and stops me from doing the merciful thing by rationalizing that Hello Kitty Hell can’t possible get any worse than it already is. That, of course, is proven to be incorrect time and again and I realize that death would have been a lot less painful than having to see and hear about yet another Hello Kitty item.
This is especially true when it comes to Hello Kitty fashion. There is something that makes Hello Kitty fanatics believe that anything Hello Kitty makes clothes look cute, while the rest of us simply want to vomit when seeing it. I can’t think of a better example than this monstrosity which my wife thinks is absolutely fabulous:
I know, I know. You’re looking at that and saying to yourself that it must be a Halloween party costume or something (while valiantly trying to keep the food in your stomach). Any normal person has to make an assumption like this because it is simply too difficult to perceive that anyone, even a Hello Kitty fanatic, could view something like this as high fashion. Unfortunately, it is all too real…
So as you sit looking at your computer in disbelief, rejoice in that fact that you are not living with someone that actually is searching for one of these and has decided that if she can’t find one, she will make one herself (see, I knew a self inflicted wound and quick death — or even a long, drawn out death — would have been less painful…) And pray that the next time my wife shouts those words, I have enough sense to put myself out of my Hello Kitty Hell misery…
Underneath that sugary sweetness, the real Hello Kitty emerges:
Thanks to dean who I will forgive for sending this since he exposed the true Hello Kitty within…
My wife loves to show me how Hello Kitty is embraced by computer geeks. Even though I know little about computers, since I make my living on the Internet, she thinks that somehow if she shows me enough Hello Kitty computers products that I will somehow instantaneously see the light and become a Hello Kitty fanatic.
Most Hello Kitty computer products are aimed at female computer users. There aren’t a lot of men in Silicon Valley that would be willing to take a Hello Kitty laptop to work. I cringe when I have to use a Hello Kitty usb flash drive. It appears, however, that Hello Kitty is trying to expand her domain…
If anyone had any doubt that Hello Kitty was trying to take over everything, this should erase all doubt. It would seem that the least likely people to adopt Hello Kitty fanaticism would be computer geeks, but not just any computer geeks. Hello Kitty is even stretching her tentacles to go after the hardcore Linux computer geek crowd in an attempt to convert them to the Hello Kitty linux dark side:
Of course, my wife made me download the gdm theme in her attempt to make my computer become more Hello Kittified. Another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…
Thanks to hklinux who should be ostracized from the linux computer community for eternity for having a username like that
One of the many (many, many…) problems with Hello Kitty is that subtlety is not a word in her vocabulary. That means that instead of quietly sitting on the sideline waiting for the fanatics that have been blinded by her hellish, evil side, to come and find her products, she has to get in everyone’s face. Hello Kitty flowers on an individual basis are not enough…especially when an entire field will do:
You go to the tulip garden to see the beautiful flowers and end up having to stare at Hello Kitty’s face. It’s like a Hello Kitty Hell nightmare come true. Not satisfied with the human race, Hello Kitty also is after the complete domination of nature. Flowers in themselves are no longer beautiful enough and thus must form Hello Kitty to be appreciated. At least with a Hello Kitty crop circle, you have the faint possibility that an alien ship will appear and take you away from the Hellish scene you are witnessing, but there is no such hope with a tulip mural…
Of course, my wife’s reaction was a bit different than mine: “That is the cutest thing ever! We have to go and see it….I think everyone should plant their garden so Hello Kitty appears in it and then the world would be a happier and nicer place. I think we should try it.”
It’s this “we” part when talking about Hello Kitty projects that is the real source of Hello kitty Hell. It’s not like I volunteer for these things, but somehow I’m always included. So now not only am I going to have to go and see Hello Kitty flower gardens (oh, won’t that be a joyous trip), but my wife will also attempt (with me doing most of the labor) to turn our garden into something similar. It doesn’t get much more Hello Kitty Hellish than that…
Thanks to Danielle for emailing the photo of a tulip festival at Tanto town in Toyooka city, western Japan – she should have to stare at Hello Kitty flower arrangements for the rest of her life…
The problem going anywhere when you live in Hello Kitty Hell is that the destination is always someplace to see Hello Kitty. While in the past I was able to escape Hello Kitty for a few moments here and there, it is becoming more and more difficult to do so as everything succumbs to Hello Kittification. For example, when we go someplace, my wife wants to stay in a Hello Kitty hotel room and unfortunately, there are more and more of these that exists these days:
Rooms like this are on par with our house meaning it isn’t like escaping Hello Kitty Hell at all. In fact, it’s even worse because the place is new so my wife has to spend fifteen minutes on every single Hello Kitty item in the room explaining how she can incorporate into our own house.
You would think that anyone who was forced to stay in a room like this would at least have the decency to completely trash the place so nobody else would have to endure the pain of staying there, but alas, this never seems to happen.
It’s only a matter of time before my wife attempts to plan a week vacation where we are never out of site of Hello Kitty and the scariest thing about this is that it’s probably possible. Just thinking about it gives me a Hellish Hello Kitty headache…
Thanks to hellosis (via sunflower700) who should have to spend her entire life in rooms like these.
When you live in Hello Kitty Hell, a “fun night on the town” is not what any normal person would consider “fun.” Unfortunately, there are a lot of Hello Kitty themed events that I end up getting dragged along to. By far the worst of these are the Hello Kitty musicals:
I don’t know if there is an adequate way to describe the excruciating pain that comes with having to attend one of these. Let’s just say that I would rather have a root canal at the dentist with no anesthesia than attend a Hello Kitty musical. In fact, give me a random person on the street with a pair of pliers…it would still be less painful. Think of your worst nightmare and add Hello Kitty singing and dancing to it and you have only scratched the surface of how bad a Hello Kitty musical is. It’s Hello Kitty Hell on steroids…
In fact, here is my advice to you. If you have any enemies in the world, buy them Hello Kitty musical tickets. They will think you have done something nice for them, but they will never be the same when they get out…
For those that doubt me, enjoy the torture (I warned you and I do advise to keep all sharp objects out of reach) of these short audio clips from it:
Feeling As I Do
Guard You With My Life
Thanks to Adora for reminding me I will likely have to attend another one of these in the near future by emailing this Hello Kitty musical info in Hong Kong — she should have to suffer through one of these on a daily basis for the rest of her life…
Not being satisfied to take over all mainstream cultures, Hello Kitty is now attempting to take over literally ALL cultures as can be seen in this Hello Kitty Maori creation:
I have no doubt that the staff at Sanrio have already sent people deep into the Amazon jungle looking for long lost tribes to convert to the Hello Kitty way. Hello Kitty Hell will soon be a reality for everyone…
Thanks to duncan (via artist Joseph), who should be forced to dress up like Hello Kitty in every culture for emailing this.
One of the worst things about blogging about Hello Kitty Hell is that as soon as I put something up, I start receiving emails with photos attached for other things that my wife will want associated with whatever was just posted. I’ve already explained that my wife doesn’t bowl, so why would she need Hello Kitty bowling shoes in addition to the useless Hello Kitty bowling balls?
Of course, my wife thinks these are the cutest things in the world and wants to add them to her Hello Kitty Converse high tops and Hello Kitty heels. “OMG!!! Those are the cutest things ever!” (here’s a question for all you Hello Kitty fanatics: how can everything Hello Kitty be the “cutest thing ever” ? – I know, I know, one of those things that doesn’t make sense to anyone except Hello Kitty fanatics because it doesn’t make any sense at all…)
Just another typical hellish day in Hello Kitty Hell…
Thanks to hellogina who not only should have to wear these everyday, but also have one of the Hello Kitty bowling balls dropped on her foot for emailing these photos…
I’ve mentioned numerous times before that even though my wife doesn’t play the instrument or the sport, that doesn’t stop her from wanting the Hello Kitty item involved. Her latest lust is for the Hello Kitty bowling ball:
Of course, with Hello Kitty it isn’t as simple as that. You might assume that one Hello Kitty bowling ball pattern would be enough, but alas that would be underestimating Hello Kitty’s world domination plan. Thus my wife is in her usual choice mode of not which of the bowling balls to get, but how many:
This is the type of Hello Kitty item that I hate my wife getting. It’s one of those Hello Kitty Hell items that ends up silently mocking me every time I pass it. When they arrive and are displayed, each time I walk past them I will imagine how wonderful it would be to line up all my wife’s breakable Hello Kitty collectibles and heave the ball down the hall at them. And while this pleasant image will last a few seconds, it will ultimately be vanquished with the knowledge I would be spending the rest of my life on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag meaning no matter how strong the urge, I will never be able to fulfill my fantasy. Hello Kitty Hell has a way of doing that…
Thanks to Karen and hkfan, both of whom should have a Hello Kitty bowling ball fall on their toes for emailing these photos…