Year: 2007

Hello Kitty Glass Slipper

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As has been noted on numerous occasions, Hello Kitty has no problem venturing into any area in the pursuit of the all mighty dollar. Hey, if a good fairy tale is out there, Hello Kitty is sure to try and Kittify it. That’s the only explanation that I can find for this Hello Kitty glass slipper:

Hello Kitty glass slipper wedding ring pillow

I’m not sure why this particular product annoys me so much. Yes, it’s useless, but as has already been established, so are all items of the evil feline. I think it’s the combination of nauseating Hello Kitty “cutest thing ever” mentality combined with the unrealistic romantic fairy tale love that simply makes me want to vomit. Just thinking about this combination gives me the dry heaves.

And if that hasn’t made you feel more than a bit queasy, it’s time to go and find an empty bucket or take your laptop to the bathroom. Not only is it a glass slipper, it’s also a wedding ceremony ring pillow bringing that into the equation which should pretty much empty everyone’s stomach (except, of course, for Hello Kitty fanatics who will see this as one of the greatest items ever made). When my wife begins to describe items as “precious” rather than “cute,” that is when I know it’s going to be an extra special Hello Kitty Hellish day…

Hello Kitty Golf Ball Holder

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There are a lot of Hello Kitty items that are unfathomably useless such as this and this (Hello Kitty items come in three different categories: useless, completely useless or unfathomably useless). We can now add another one to the unfathomably useless category. Let me introduce you to the Hello Kitty golf ball holder:

Hello Kitty golf ball case

Hello Kitty golf ball case

Hello Kitty golf ball case

Can anyone explain to me why anyone would need a golf ball holder, let alone a Hello Kitty golf ball holder? Let’s think about this logically for a second (my apologies in advance to the Hello Kitty fanatics who I know I’m asking quite a lot from with this request and, yes, I know that I have just broken the Hello Kitty golden rule of logic which states that logic can never apply to Hello Kitty fanatics, but humor me…) It’s a golf ball. It’s been created knowing that someone is going to whack it as hard as possible with a titanium golf club. When this occurs, it has been constructed to suffer no damage. So what exactly is a padded golf ball holder going to protect the golf ball from?

Of course, my wife has a perfectly acceptable explanation for Hello Kitty fanatics: “It’s to give the proper care and love to the Hello Kitty golf balls.” Obviously, even after all these years in Hello Kitty Hell, I still don’t get it…

Hello Kitty Men's Fashion

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It appears that Sanrio has decided to really make my life Hell by introducing a Hello Kitty men’s fashion line that consists of T-shirts, boxers, bags, sports wear and watches.

Hello Kitty men's fashion

I find all the Hello Kitty photos I receive disturbing, but then there are those that I find disturbing on multiple levels.

1. It was emailed to me by someone who has their blog hosted by Sanrio. I realize (although I still have a difficult time understanding why – must be another of those Hello Kitty fanatic things) that there are a number of Hello Kitty fans that frequent this blog, but it appears that Hello Kitty fans now feel that a mention on my blog will drive traffic to their Hello Kitty blog and the people who go will like it. In other words, there are enough Hello Kitty fans that come to this blog that blogs on the official Sanrio site want to be mentioned here which I find quite disturbing.

2. Sanrio believes there is a big enough market out there to begin a male fashion line. I find this extremely disturbing.

3. My wife is going to take one look at this stuff and decide it is exactly what I need and it will start to show up on our doorstep in the next few weeks as “gifts” for me. I find this to be take out the knife and begin slitting my wrists disturbing.

Although I am not a big conspiracy theorist, I’m beginning to get the feeling that Sanrio has set up a special department with the exclusive mandate to try and make my life more Hello Kitty Hellish than it already is…

Hello Kitty Skin Water

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It’s bad enough that Sanrio is able to sell Hello Kitty bottled water, but why stop when you have a good thing going? Apparently if bottling water with the evil feline on the front for drinking sells well, then bottling water with Hello Kitty on the front to splash on your skin would be even more successful. Thus, the invention of Hello Kitty skin water:

Hello Kitty skin water

As a guy, if this was just plain old skin water I would be asking “why in the world would anyone need this?” but since Hello Kitty adorns the front of the package, I have no doubt that it is nothing more than another inventive product from the minds of Sanrio to make my life more Hellish.

Of course, my wife insists otherwise. “Hello Kitty skin water is refreshing and makes my skin healthier.” I’m tempted to replace the water that comes in the bottles with plain old tap water, but know that no matter what the results (if I was right and she didn’t notice and I told her what I did or if she noticed right away), I’d end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag…

Hello Kitty Sausages

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You may remember me telling you about the pimped out Hello Kitty cell phone that my wife had made and my embarrassing experience in the grocery store with it a couple of months back. My wife was quite distressed to learn that I wasn’t kidding when I said I couldn’t find the Hello Kitty sausages because our local store stopped selling them (yes, there is one sane store manager who was able to stand up to Sanrio in Japan). That means that my wife has been on a crusade to try to find a new place to get them since and, to her joy (and my chagrin) she was able to locate them the other day:

Hello Kitty sausages

I still am not sure why we have to have Hello Kitty on our food (it’s another one of those Hello Kitty fanatic things that no normal person will ever be able to comprehend) and even with the pleasure of getting to chomp my teeth into her and grind her up, it doesn’t make up for the nauseating experience of having to look at her on my plate.

The finding of the Hello Kitty sausages somehow revived talk of only eating Hello Kitty food again (a nightmare scenario that I have been praying would somehow fade away, but always seems to reappear to send chills down my spine). All I know is that if this idea transpires into reality, Hello Kitty Hell will have progressed to new depths that I don’t even want to imagine.

Hello Kitty Gold Business Card Personalized

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You knew that Sanrio wouldn’t stop at one – it’s not in their character to fail to beat something to complete death when there are Hello Kitty fanatics ready to pay out big dollars for useless crap. To help celebrate the 33rd anniversary of Hello Kitty (like they really need an excuse to launch this stuff – they might as well declare everyday Hello kitty day and use that as an excuse), they have revived the pure gold business card, but now will personalize it with your name and address for the small sum of $110 (12,600 Yen)

Hello Kitty gold business card

To make matters worse, they have decided to release two different patterns of the card and then give fanatics the choice of English or Japanese lettering for their name making 4 different options for the Hello kitty fanatic to choose from. Since we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t make choices, but get one of everything, the result is over $400 for 4 gold business cards.

For the vast majority of us, we take one look at this business card and know it is completely useless. We think that Sanrio has finally lost their marbles and there is no way that this could possibly be a success (then again, that is exactly what we thought about the Hello Kitty business card). Of course, this common sense has no effect on the Hello Kitty fanatic. “It makes a perfect matching pair with the Hello Kitty business card. My business card right next to Hello Kitty’s business card. It shows how close we are to each other.”

You know that you are living in Hello Kitty Hell when your wife can explain with a straight face the reasons that getting a $110 gold Hello Kitty business card makes perfect sense…

Hello Kitty Mineral Water

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My wife and I were taking a walk today when she asked if I’d like some water. I said “yes” and was handed one of these:

Hello Kitty mineral water

Your eyes do not deceive you. The evil feline has her own line of bottled mineral water which I’m sure they have drugged with something that completely alters your perceptions of reality. I have no doubt about this because that is the only way my wife’s explanation makes any sense when she handed me a bottle: “The reason that it tastes so good and refreshing is that it’s filled with Hello Kitty love.”

Just another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Pure Gold Playing Cards

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We have already established that there isn’t a single product that Hello Kitty doesn’t love to hijack into her own likeness, but she is also the master of creating events (where no even truly exists) to sell completely useless, overpriced junk that can only leave a normal person shaking their head asking, “Do people really buy that crap?” Of course, the Hello Kitty fanatic takes one look at it and begins drooling uncontrollably, and if she happens to have some poor soul that is her significant other, she begins whining about how much she loves it and just has to have it. That was the basic reaction of my wife when she found out about the pure gold Hello Kitty playing cards Sanrio is releasing for its 33rd Hello Kitty anniversary (33rd anniversary?!? What other company in the world celebrates a 33rd anniversary?):

Hello Kitty pure gold playing cards

Hello Kitty pure gold poker cards

There are 54 cards in the set which includes 2 jokers with each card being made from 0.73 grams of 99.99% pure gold. The gold cards are then laminated in a protective coating and sold for the price of nearly $5000 (567,000 Yen)

So my wife is telling me now that this would be a perfect birthday gift for me because I like to play poker with the guys (right – 1. Like I would ever play poker with Hello kitty playing cards. 2. Like the guys wouldn’t have me instantly committed if I ever brought out a deck of Hello kitty playing cards. 3. Like my wife would ever let me touch $5000 gold playing cards with the intent to play poker with them). Undoubtedly, all I’m going to hear about for the next week is how beautiful these cards are and how much she really wants them. Par for the course in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Shinto Shrine

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If anyone thought that Hello Kitty would stop at trying to take over after creating her own western religion and an alternative would have greatly underestimated the world domination plans of this little feline. She also has her hand in Eastern religion with her own shrine with (of course) her as the deity under the Sanrio banner:

Hello Kitty Shinto shrine

And for anyone who doesn’t believe that it is supposed to be a true religious experience, read this description from the Pagan Prattle:

This shrine is not the only religious experience to be had at Puroland. The centrepiece of the establishment is the enormous Wisdom Tree. A path winds up the tree, alongside which are small shrines and altars to the various Sanrio characters. At the very top, you go inside the tree and encounter yet another shrine. This one is Hello Kitty’s Bell of Happiness. There appears to be no source of water for ritual purification (maybe nothing is impure once it has entered Kitty’s domain?) but, apart from that, the ritual is the same as at any other Shinto shrine. You approach the altar, and ring the bell, bow a couple of times, then clap your hands twice, then bow again. There is no collecting box in front of the altar but, as at many other Shinto shrines, you can buy an ema – a special card – on which you write your wish and hang up on a special frame located nearby.

As would be expected, my wife thinks this is wonderful. She wants to place a mini shrine in our house (like all the Hello Kitty crap isn’t enough) so that we can pray directly each morning to the feline goddess — “She would make sure that each day would be filled with love and joy” is her take on it although I prefer to substitute “love” with “despair” and “joy with “pain” which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Katy (via Pagan Prattle) who should be forced to kneel down in front of Hello Kitty 12 hours a day as penance for thinking sending me this was a good idea.