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How Hello Kitty Is Ruining My Love Life

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When Hello Kitty Hell exists, it does invade all aspects of your life. It’s amazing what a detrimental effect Hello Kitty can have on a man’s love life as the following example will illustrate…

My wife and I were in a romantic mood the other night. We start to get a bit frisky and my wife takes off her shirt to reveal the Hello Kitty bra:

Hello Kitty Bra
wife: Isn’t this the cutest thing?

Now, after years of marriage, I know the right answer to this question. The correct answer is “Yes, honey, it’s very cute and it makes you look more beautiful” (all single guys, write that down in your notebook). Of course, the Hello Kitty cheerleader on one side and the monogrammed Hello Kitty initials on the other make it impossible for me to say the correct answer…

me: uh, what’s that? (shocked that Hello Kitty has invaded yet another part of my hell)

wife: It’s my new bra (wife folds arms waiting impatiently for correct answer)

me: oh…(split second hesitation and instant recognition on what is about to unfold)

wife: (raises an eyebrow). Is it me or the bra? (shirt goes back on)

me: no, no , no…yes, it is the cutest thing (lying in desperate hope to save the moment already knowing it is futile)

wife (raises eyebrow higher) So it’s me, then? (goes to closet to get Hello Kitty sleeping bag for me to sleep on couch)

me: no, no , no…You’re as beautiful as ever. Much cuter than the bra (realizing instantly that the Hello Kitty trap had locked and the key had been thrown away)

wife: (both eyebrows raised) so you don’t think the bra is cute! (Hello Kitty sleeping bag is thrown on couch, bedroom door slammed and locked)

I wonder how many more nights I’ll be sleeping out here on the couch…

Hello Kitty Travel

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Hello Kitty AirplaneOne aspect of living in a Hello Kitty Hell is that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t think like normal people. Their minds get so obsessed with Hello Kitty that the main object of anything suggested gets turned around from what has been suggested to Hello Kitty.

I treasure the trips that I take. When we travel, it means I get some reprieve from Hello Kitty – at least that was the case several years ago. It’s now getting more and more difficult as this recent conversation can attest:

me: I’d like to plan an overseas trip. Where would you like to go?

wife: Oh, I don’t care. Any place is fine.

me: I was thinking about South America. Maybe Argentina.

wife: No, not there.

me: How about someplace in Africa. I’d really like to see the wildlife there.

wife: No, not there.

me: How about Russia? I’ve always thought that would be a great place to visit.

wife: No, not there.

me: I thought you said that any place was fine. That you didn’t care.

wife: I don’t as long as we can travel on this plane (takes me to her computer to show me the below photo) and it doesn’t go to those places.

Hello Kitty Airplane
me: That is a Taiwanese plane. We can only go to Taiwan. wife: Great, I’m glad we can agree where we want to go…

So our next overseas trip has been delegated to EVA air and wherever their Hello Kitty airplane goes. Of course, once she got it into her mind that this was acceptable, she had to show me photos of what the trip was going to be like. The stewardesses will all be wearing Hello Kitty uniforms:

Hello Kitty Stewardess

But it doesn’t stop there. The interior of the plane is decorated Hello Kitty and even cups, trays and snacks:

Hello Kitty Airplane Snacks
Hello Kitty Airplane Snacks

Worst of all? Even the food is Hello Kitty. 

Hello Kitty Airplane Food

Now why is it when terrorists blow up planes, they never have the decency to blow up the planes that would be a service to the world?

Hello Kitty Scooter

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It was bound to happen. My wife informed me that she thinks she needs a scooter to get around on the short errands around town. Of course, this sudden desire for a scooter just happened to coincide with a reader sending me this photo:

Hello Kitty Scooter
Now after seeing this, I bet you’ll be surprised that I actually look at the above scooter and think, “Well maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.” (as you can see, Hello Kitty Hell is beginning to warp my common sense) See, when you live in a Hello Kitty Hell, even things that a normal person would consider hideous start to look acceptable when I know what else is out there that my wife would surely want even more if she only knew it existed.

Take, for example this lovely clash of Louis Vuitton seat on a Hello Kitty scooter

Hello Kitty Scooter
Or even worse, look at this pink monstrosity 

Hello Kitty Scooter
Knowing that those two scooters (and most likely others that are comparable) exist, maybe you can see why I might start imagining the top scooter is the least evil option. In Hello Kitty Hell, however, it’s not that easy. Once my wife realized that there were multiple Hello Kitty scooter styles out there, it was inevitable that she would want to begin a collection and that is certainly not a new Hello Kitty hobby I want to be encouraging.

The fear doesn’t stop there. If my wife gets a scooter, you know what it will mean don’t you? I’ll be the one that has to ride it most of the time (you can imagine how I am cringing as I write this knowing that she will also buy a Hello Kitty helmet to go with it). While she believes that she needs it to run errands, the truth is that I end up running the vast majority of them and inevitably there will be a time where I would have to ride the damn thing. It’s not even reality at this time and I’m already getting sick to my stomach…

Update: The evil feline is never satisfied to leave well enough alone:

Hello Kitty scooter moped black face

Sent in by HKGuy

Hello Kitty Fanatic Hell

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Hello Kitty fan (play on words)Okay, I admit it. I’m keeping score and the initial score isn’t looking good. When I started Hello Kitty Hell, I thought a bit about how people might react to it. I figured it would give me a release to the Hello Kitty Hell I dwell within, provide a few laughs for those on the outside and possibly get me some sympathy for my plight. What I didn’t predict was that I would begin a fan base for my wife.

That’s right. This blog has produced 7 fan letters to my wife telling her how much they love her store and how they wish they were as lucky as she is to be able to live with so many Hello Kitties around. All I’ve received is a Hello Kitty devil icon and photos of Hello Kitty items that people want me to show to my wife just to clamp down the torture chamber devices that much more. This is what I found in my email box this morning:

I just totally adore Hello Kitty. She is the cutest. And she is such a great teacher! I especially love the ones that wink or are sleepy. I collect those and I’m so jealous of all the Hello Kitty plush you have. You are so lucky. I’d be in heaven with only a tenth of the things that you have.When I’m sad or feeling bad, I have a large Hello Kitty plush that comforts me. She knows my heart like nobody else does. She just listens and lets all my tears flow away. And when I’m happy, her face is always bright and happy…

Not to pigeon hole Hello Kitty fanatics as not having a full set upstairs, but you might want to rethink some things if you consider an animation character of a cat your “teacher.” I could also go on about how Hello Kitty “…just listens and lets my tears flow away” (hmmmm, could it possibly be because she’s not real so she can’t talk, or if you happen to believe she is real, she still doesn’t have a mouth?), but I will restrain myself (sort of;).

Of course, my wife sees these letters in a totally different light. She reads the same lines and says stuff to me like, “oh, how cute. She knows the heart of Hello Kitty” and “She can see the true Hello Kitty, unlike you.”

In addition to having more excuses to expound upon the virtues of Hello Kitty, my wife also finds extreme humor in all of this. She even went so far as to introduce me to one of her friends as ” my Hello Kitty fan promoter” the other day. Of all the courses that this writing venture would take, building a Hello Kitty fan base for my wife was definitely not one that came to mind…and so even when I try to ridicule Hello Kitty and her fans, the coals in the fires of Hello Kitty Hell get some extra fuel poured onto them to keep the place plenty hot…

My Biggest Fear

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Hello Kitty Diamond WatchesWhen you live in a Hello Kitty Hell, your perspective on certain things can change dramatically. Take, for example, winning the lottery. Most people dream about how wonderful it would be to win the lottery and how they could buy and do all the things they wished they could if they only had more money. I, on the other hand, pray that my wife never wins the lottery.

My wife likes to play the lottery. Even though I have explained time and again that she is more likely to die from a flesh eating microbe or get killed in an auto accident on the way to purchasing the lottery ticket, she is not deterred. She is convinced that she will win one of these days because “Hello Kitty is looking over me for good luck.” While I like to protest that the reason she shouldn’t play the lottery is that it is a waste of money, the true reason is that my biggest fear is that she will somehow beat the extraordinary odds and actually win. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it.

The reason that I live in fear of her winning the lottery is because whenever she buys the lottery tickets, she also takes the time to explain to me in detail all the things she will do with the money. This, of course, almost exclusively entails Hello Kitty items that we can’t currently afford. It would mean that I would be forced to take trips to Hello Kitty Land (PuroLand) on a regular basis and watch her spend thousands on such stuff as Hello Kitty diamond watches (she doesn’t want just one, she wants the entire set including the $3,250.00 version)

Even worse, there would no longer be a reason for her to continue the Hello Kitty business meaning that Hello Kitty items would continue to come in, but none would be leaving (one of my biggest joys is seeing Hello Kitty sell and leave our house). If she had unlimited money to buy Hello Kitty, I would truly be scared to return home to see what new might be there.

So in the future you hear that someone has won the lottery and upon hearing the news, her husband immediately committed suicide, you know that my biggest fear has come true…

Hello Kitty Credit Card

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Hello Kitty credit cardBeing a personal finance blogger, when it comes to choosing a credit card I look at which ones will provide me with the greatest advantage. The amount of cash back, what rewards I can receive and what services the credit card provides at no cost – all of which will ultimately save me money – are the primary factors look for when choosing a credit card. 

This is not how a Hello Kitty fanatic chooses a credit card:

wife: I have to have this credit card!

me: You already have a credit card that gives you cash back on every purchase.

wife: But it doesn’t have Hello Kitty on it.

me: What is more important? Getting money back on every purchase or Hello Kitty? (boy, was that a stupid question for me to ask…)

wife: Hello Kitty

So, my wife immediately applied for the Hello Kitty MBNA credit card. The worst part? In the past I was constantly asking her to pay for everything with our cash back credit card to earn the free money, but rarely did she use it preferring to pay in cash (the Hello Kitty card does earn points, but the rewards are far less than our other card). Now that she has the Hello Kitty credit card, every single purchase goes on it. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has started to buy things just to show everyone her Hello Kitty credit card.

While this certainly qualifies as Hello Kitty Hell, I have a much bigger worry. What if they come out with multiple patterns of the Hello Kitty credit card?

Update: Was there ever any doubt that Hello Kitty credit cards would end up coming out in a multitude of patterns?

Hello Kitty credit card apple

Hello Kitty black credit card

Sent in my numerous readers

Hello Kitty Devil

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I received an anonymous email today with this Hello Kitty devil attached and a simple note saying “it seemed appropriate for your site.” When I first looked at it, it did seem appropriate and I placed it into my header thinking it would appropriately highlight the whole Hello Kitty theme. Now having it on the site for half a day, it has already become annoyingly Hello Kitty. Even as a devil, the image seems too cute (winking and bobbing her head back and forth). One might be acceptable, but when you line them up, they just become overwhelming…

I guess this annoyance really does sum up the Hello Kitty Hell I find myself in, but I’m still not convinced whether it adds or takes away from the Hello Kitty Hell image. Any thoughts from the two or three random people who accidentally stumble across this site would be appreciated. Should it stay or go???

Hello Kitty Nightmare Becoming Reality

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Anthony WhiteMargaret WhiteWhen I began this blog, I thought I might receive a bit of sympathy from the readers, some kindred friendship from those who have had similar instances (please don’t tell me I’m the only one out there living through this) and some support in my quest to keep my sanity in this Hello Kitty Hell. Instead I get this as my first question email in relation to this site:

I just love Hello Kitty. You are so lucky to know so much about Hello Kitty. I have been wondering for the longest time what the names of Kitty’s grandmother and grandfather are? Please teach me.

Obviously I have overestimated the intelligence of the Hello Kitty fan base, especially after having spent time previously explaining in detail why I am in extreme torture because of the unfortunate fact that I do know too much about Hello Kitty. The mere mention of Hello Kitty must make their brains turn to a type of mush soup (applesauce would be quite appropriate — I pray you don’t understand that reference) where cuteness (in their distorted vision) prevails over all reason.

What’s even worse than someone telling me how lucky I am to know so much about Hello Kitty? Actually knowing the answer to her question once again! (scroll over the photos if you really must know the answer). When I began this, I never imagined that it would in any way become a Hello Kitty educational resource – just one more way best intentions get morphed in disgusting ways when one lives in a Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Pierced Navel Rings

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I received an anonymous email (not sure that opening them up will be such a good idea in the future) telling me I should show my wife the new Hello Kitty pierced belly button rings they have. My wife, of course, knew that it must be something wonderfully Hello Kitty the minute I let out a depressed moan at the site of them. She was by the computer side before I had a chance to delete the photo.

Hello Kitty Navel Ring

Now, don’t be fooled into thinking that my wife had come to her senses and didn’t want these. Oh, she wants them because “they are so adorable” and “wouldn’t any woman be cute and sexy wearing that?” But I actually heard the words “I won’t buy those…” (this is the point where I figured I was hallucinating and had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t in a dream) “until I lose some weight…”

Now as any married man knows, this put me in an impossible situation where I was either going to go deeper into Hello Kitty Hell or be sleeping on the couch the rest of the week. The “until I lose weight…” was followed by a long pause waiting for me to answer. I know from vast experience that “No dear, you look perfect.” was the correct answer, but that meant that I may have to look at a Hello Kitty navel ring for the rest of my life. On the other hand, “yes, good idea” meant I would have a lot of lonely nights ahead of me.

Faced with this choice, I did the only thing I could do. I remained silent like a deer frozen in headlights knowing I was doomed either way – which of course was no help because silence automatically gets moved toward the “yes” side.

So as I type this late at night with only the couch, a Hello Kitty pillow and a Hello Kitty blanket to look forward to for what I estimate will be a week, I do take a small bit of solace in the fact that I won’t have to see a Hello Kitty belly button ring…at least for this week…

Update: I was really hoping that I would never actually have to see someone wearing one of these…

Sent in by shelly

hello kitty belly ring

Sent in by Dede

hello kitty belly stud

Sent in by abigail (vegan kitty)

Hello Kitty Proof

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$160 Hello Kitty PlushI received an email from someone who challenged me saying that I was making Hello Kitty Hell up and exaggerating. Oh, if only that were truly the case!! The one thing that you will learn as you continue to read this saga is that it all gets so absurd that nobody could ever be creative enough to make up something like this. There are just some things in the world that are so completely wrong that when you hear about them, you know that despite the chill it sends down your spine, it has to be true. I think you’ll see my Hello Kitty Hell is that way. 

I was talking to a friend over the weekend and he suggested that I go on the wife swap show, but the truth is that I could never subject another person to Hello Kitty Hell and live with myself later in life. There are some things that are just too cruel to contemplate, and that is one of them. I do think that it may be an effective strategy to implement on mass murderers in place of the death penalty – much more painful and lasting over a long period of time. I’m sure the inmates would be able to successfully fight it in court, however, as cruel and unusual punishment.

In relation to providing proof, Emily also asked if my wife had a website (I hope that this was to get some type of demented pleasure at my expense and not the desire to imitate my wife.) This is another one of those Catch 22 situations. She really should have one, but if I create one for her I’m afraid of what will happen and have thus been avoiding this next logical step. At the moment she doesn’t have a website dedicated to Hello Kitty, but does have an extensive Hello Kitty eBay Store which as you can see, has over 1000 different items for sale. Now imagine that what is listed there is only a tiny fraction of what is stored in our house and you begin to get a picture of what I live with.

Hmmmm, maybe I should make the person who challenged me come live for a month as punishment…