onezero

Hello Kitty Pet Jewelry

by

In Hello Kitty’s never ending quest to dream up new ways to sell anything with the evil feline on it, the people at Sanrio have once again outdone themselves. If expensive Hello Kitty jewelry for yourself isn’t enough, you can now share it with your dog (No, I’m not kidding…and all for the low price of $175 (118,900 yen)

Hello Kitty Pet Jewelry

Hello Kitty Dog Jewelry

Hello Kitty Pet Necklace

Jewelry that you share with your pet?!? Common sense would dictate that there is absolutely no way that something like this would ever sell, but alas, anyone that has been following this blog for even a short period of time knows well that common sense is the oil to Hello Kitty’s water. As I sat staring at the email in disbelief, it didn’t take long to see where this was going — you know that as bad as this is, it is simply the bridge being built to launch a complete line of Hello Kitty pet (exclusive) jewelry in the near future.

Hoping against hope that my wife would somehow see this as ridiculous, I actually showed it to her (yeah, beat me over the head for my stupidity). Now one would expect that the Hello Kitty fanatic would reply, “Oh, this is the cutest thing ever!” which my wife dutifully did, but her next response goes to show how far Sanrio has brainwashed the fanatics. She continued, “We need to get a dog” as if this was the most normal way to respond when having found jewelry that she wants to buy. Just one more episode to show that things can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by oj who deserves an especially drastic form of torture for thinking for one moment that sending this to me would be a good idea and for the trauma I will have to endure for the next month explaining to my wife that “no, we do not need a dog to go with that jewelry…”

Hello Kitty Scion xB Toyota Car

by

What’s worse than a car that has been painted with Hello Kitty decals all over the outside? A car that has been Hello Kittified from the inside out like this Hello Kitty Scion xB monstrosity:

Hello Kitty Scion xB

Hello Kitty Scion

Hello Kitty Scion car

Hello Kitty Scion xB car

Hello Kitty Scion inside

The really scary part of this (and the realization that Hello Kitty Hell has progressed way too far) is that it resembles the inside of our house (I know, you don’t have to say anything — ripping out my eyes has had a pleasant and dreamlike fantasy aura for quite some time now). Unfortunately, it’s not a stretch to see that our car will someday look like this. Of course, it will be even worse. My wife is ultimately determined to do both the inside and outside of the car which will double the Hello Kitty horror of the ride, but that’s beside the point because it’s nothing that wouldn’t be expected when you live in Hello Kitty Hell….

Sent in by lisa who should have to ride in something like this for the rest of her life for giving my wife more ideas of what she can do to our car and for even thinking for a second that doing so would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Hell Mother Nightmare

by

It’s not only the husband’s that suffer in Hello Kitty Hell, it’s also the kids:

MY MOTHER’S SICK, SAD ADDICTION
Written by: Becky D. (Mary’s 15-year-old daughter)

Being the teenage daughter of a Sanrio obsessed 40-something woman is like being controlled by a 4-year-old girl. Ninety percent of everything my mother buys is either pink, a cat with no mouth or some strangely shaped creature with an unpronounceable name. Every time one of those techno-colored packages arrive at our door, my mother’s shrieks fill the house, followed by, “Isn’t that just the cutest thing?”

Think I’m kidding? The Hawaii incident: Spring break of 2003, my mother, sister, my mother’s fiancee and his daughters all boarded a plane and arrived in Hawaii hours later. We spent the week on a small part of Oahu’s north shore and planned on going to Honolulu later in the week. Every day my mother would remind us how many days until we could visit the Sanrio store. Finally the day arrived and my mom could not have been happier. We drove into town, to the mall and within a matter of seconds, my mother was off and running towards the underground cartoon hell. Her ohhhs and ahhhhs could be heard all the way to the sheets. I cringed when I thought about how long we would be trapped in the wonderland of toasters with cats on them, suitcases big enough for a pair of underwear and vacuums the size of small children. 3 hours and 4 large shopping bags later, we left — much to my delight and my mom’s dismay.

I thought it was just a phase, but nothing with her NOTHING is a phase. Soon all our pencils were replaced with pink pens with animals, all stationery was brightly colored, and I started getting notes at school on every type of Sanrio paper/envelope combination imaginable, “just because.”

One night when all conversation had died down, my mother admitted that she would love to live in an Airstream trailer filled with Hello Kitty memorabilia. The idea still freaks me out.

Until she gets over this sick, sad addiction I’m stuck in a Hello Kitty Hell.

Good-Bye Kitty.

Kids that have more sense than the Hello Kitty fanatic parent…that pretty much sums up the devastation that Hello Kitty can bring to an entire family…

Story sent in by Mary who should have to give her daughter anything she wants for the traumatization that she has caused…

Hello Kitty Perez Hilton Shower Cap

by

Hello Kitty is bad. A Hello Kitty shower cap is worse. Perez Hilton wearing a Hello Kitty shower cap as a fashion statement pretty much is the thing nightmares are made of:

Hello Kitty Perez Hilton shower cap

It seems to me that Perez Hilton wearing a Hello Kitty shower cap as a fashion statement pretty much sums up everything wrong with Hello Kitty. It’s seeing photos like this that make me think that there are great advantages to being blind. I guess it does serve a purpose of sorts – with all the people that must get sick around him when he is wearing that, at least his hair has some protection from the flying food chunks.

Of course, my wife doesn’t see it that way. For her it is simply proof that even those that are famous love Hello Kitty and therefore there should be no reason that I would not be willing to wear Hello Kitty as well. If it ever comes to the point where you see me out on the streets in a Hello Kitty shower cap, simply take one of the many Hello Kitty lethal weapons and quickly put me out of my misery…

Sent in by numerous readers (which again, is quite a disturbing trend in itself) who all should have to parade around with the same head fashion sense for thinking that sending me this photo to see could ever be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Piano

by

In Hello Kitty’s never ending quest to always make things worse than she already has, she has moved beyond the Hello Kitty roll up piano and decided to brand a full size piano as well…

Hello Kitty piano

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. It does actually look like someone downed several bottles of Pepto Bismol and then decided to regurgitate it up all over their piano (which is quite ironic since that is the exact thing that I want to do when I look at this), but this is what Hello Kitty (and her fanatic followers) believe is a “cute” color.

Of course, because of its extreme cuteness (did you know that you can tell how cute a Hello Kitty fanatic thinks an item of the evil feline is by how high their voice goes when they tell you how cute it is? If you did, then you have passed one of the many tests that let you know you live in Hello Kitty Hell and I send my deepest sympathies) my wife thinks that this would be something that would be perfect for our house. Never mind that she doesn’t play the piano (we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t have to actually use any of the things that they buy, especially musical instruments) or want to learn how to. Once again we see that no matter how bad Hello Kitty Hell gets, there is always the opportunity of it getting worse…

Left in the comments by KT (via markoniinimaki) who really deserves to have to play this instrument everyday for the rest of her life and stare at the pink for imagining that this could ever be a good idea to leave the photo in the comments for me to find…

Hello Kitty VW Bug

by

I hate receiving emails with photos like this because it will undoubtedly inspire my wife (something that we all know is definitely not needed for any Hello Kitty fanatic). This is exactly what my wife wants to do to our car. It’s bad enough that our car is getting Hello Kittified from the inside out and when I see things like this, I know it’s merely a matter of time before she takes it in for a Hello Kitty paint job:

Hello Kitty VW Bug

It will not be long before I’m going to be riding around in something that looks as bad (if not worse — and probably a lot pinker) than this. There is something so completely wrong when a grown man is forced to drive a Hello Kitty car that makes the thought of driving it over a 100 foot cliff and smashing into jagged rocks below a lot less painful than actually being seen around town in it, which pretty much sums up the feeling of living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by tracey who deserves to have to drive around in something like this for the rest of her life for thinking for a single moment that it would be a good idea to send this photo to me…

Hello Kitty Baby

by

Once again Hello Kitty Hell proves that it can always get worse…

You knew it had to happen eventually. If Hello Kitty fanatics were willing to place Hello Kitty heads on cats and dogs, it didn’t take much of a leap to know they would eventually do it to their own babies as well:

Hello Kitty baby

This is so obviously wrong that I don’t know where to even begin. Isn’t there a law somewhere that states completely humiliating your child for the rest of their life is some sort of child abuse? If there isn’t, this is the perfect proof that there should be.

Of course, my wife thinks this is “the cutest thing ever” which means that I will have to endure something similar if we ever have kids. While I do worry that such antics will scar the kids for life, I’m sure that having to deal with Hello Kitty child cuteness will scar me far more since it will only fuel the Hello Kitty Hell flames taking it to a whole other level…

Sent in by Mhkitty who should be punished in unthinkable ways for putting the thought of this into my wife’s mind and seeding my nightmares for the rest of the month…

Hello Kitty Hairy Foot Tattoo

by

Hello Kitty tattoos are disturbing. Hello Kitty tattoos on men are even more disturbing. Hello Kitty tattoos on the hairy feet of men with painted toe nails take disturbing to a new level:

Hello Kitty hairy foot tattoo

I have no idea why people feel compelled to send me photos like this because there is absolutely no good that can come from showing images like this to anyone, especially me when I want to keep all my food down.

Sent in by Kat who deserves to have a boyfriend with a Hello Kitty tattoo on his hairy foot for even imagining that sending this to me would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Sunday Mail

by

More random mail that has found its way into my email box:

I found this job that I think you should apply for:

Sanrio Digital is interactive new media company which strives to digitally expand on world famous IP’s such as Hello Kitty, My Melody, Badtz Maru,etc and to generate higher value via the development of digital content, new media, community, and the social web. For more information please visit www.sanriodigital.com

Web Content Editor

Jobs & Responsibilities

Responsible for writing and editing articles on website
To manage the web content and web forum and to develop the websites
Controlling the quality of the website content

I think you would do an excellent job at this job — james

hmmmm, I think everyone should go to the site and recommend me for the job considering they are already sending me press releases… 😉

I just ran into this and thought you may get a kick out of HK’s new friend! — Zalphene

The divorced dolphin, I like it…

Dude, Is Darlene your wife? I’m trying to think of reasons why this lady would be so against your right to free speech in your hatred towards Hello Kitty. I mean hey it’s your blog. She should get her own. Although even if she did yours would still be undeniably more popular. Anyway good luck in hello kitty hell. Maybe i’l get my boyfriend to draw some pictures of the “evil feline” for your fan art to help your days go by. Stay strong. — sarah

No…and it’s not worth the time trying to figure out why. Hello Kitty fanatics simply make no logical sense and trying to figure out why they act the way they do will only drive you nuts…

It was clear to me from the first sighting of a Kitty mall shop long ago that mindless commercialism had come into its own. The convergence of over-population (“consumers”), globalization of crap commerce and cutsie “culture” was first epitomized by this character’s mouthless mug. “Shut up and buy!” taken to its iconic limit.

So it becomes apparent that humanity does not end with a whimper or a bang after all. The final scene is a seething mass of toxic plastics and “Kitty krap” on the Pacific Ocean MUCH larger than Texas. Happily scampering and eternally singing their theme upon this “new continent”… the Kitties. — Questpass

One more thing to look forward to in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Found Dead, Charred in Los Angeles — many readers

If only it was true…

Hi! So I love your site and at the same time I despise it because it’s filled with the very thing I love and hate, which is Hello Kitty. Unfortunately she was forced in to my life by my grandparents and aunts who did/do nothing but send me everything they could find of Hello Kitty. Trust me, I never wanted Hello Kitty in my life. Whenever I see her face I’m immediately drawn to the object and find myself trying to justify my need for it to my husband. He usually drags me far enough away that I realize what an idiot I was wanting it. I know it’s wrong, but it’s like a reflex every time I see her face. I need help. You don’t know how happy I was to read that you won’t tell anyone where to get the HK items you post!!! I don’t need to know and I really don’t need them anyway so I just want to really Thank You for that!!! Although I was tempted by the sewing machine that turns in to a Transformer…. If, in a moment of weakness, I do decide I need it then I’m sure I could find it myself. Then I’d blame you because I saw it in your site. Sorry, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. I’m sure you understand. — A

And you thought crack addicts were bad…

Hi there, ive just been on your hello kitty hell site, and it really made me laugh, you have a funny way of writing. It seems your getting alot of negativity by some hk fans out there, so i thought id restore the balance some what and say how good and funny your site is! I myself am a 26 year old English girl, and a fully recovered hk addict! Back in my day i was gripped by her to the extreme, its an easy trap to fall into for a lot of girls and women.
When i was 4 i got a hk glow in the dark toy for xmas, which on reflection must have been a bootleg type thing , because it had a massive head! (even by hello kitties standards..) I liked it alot though and still do have a peculiar penchant for things with giant heads, anyway its not till i was around about 18 that i discovered hk through a friend of mine from brighton, which is englands gay capital incidently.

The fever quickly took hold, and i began to get obsessed i did think she was cute, and at that point still fairly underground where i lived anyway, and i like the unsual, now when i go back home even the scummy kids have hk clothes and stuff, and you can buy lots of tacky crap emblazoned with an outline of her head, and the gullible saps just lap it up!

I havent purchased anything with hk on it in a long time now thank god! At the worst financial drain of my hk obsession, i managed to spend at least $500 in just one shop that specialized in sanrio things in Amsterdam, i thought oh i can get stuff we cant get in england..i bought a lot of stationary, writing paper and unusual things,damn what a waste of money that was, of that whole collection i now possess just one hand mirror of hk which i appreciate as its my only item and fairly vintage now. The rest of my collection was stolen, by my ex b/f who decided after we broke up he could probably make some money on the stuff id collected over the years and took the lot to ireland, never to be seen again.. i do kinda miss that first doll, that glowed in the dark when i was 4, for sentimental reasons but the rest of my useless dust collecting collection i dont miss a drop, When you dont have it round you then you dont miss it, you dont need these things, and now im free.

At my most depraved point with hk, i persuaded the same ex b/f to drive me to brighton (gay capital), over 300 miles away just so i could purchase a hk dildo, officially released as a massager! (yeah right). So literally hk has made me orgasm with her vibrating head – i know at this point your probably hurling into a bucket, and horrified beyond belief, maybe just wondering why some random girl is telling you so much about a hk fascination.. well the moral to this disturbing and horrendous story is, i recovered and can fully understand why you live in hello kitty hell, mass merchandise is never a good thing, and even if its wrapped up in a sweet simple cat picture, its still just wrong, alot of its been made in china, probably by impoverished children and i just dont want to be a part of that society. People have long since forgotten how to be grateful for what they have, and to treasure things , they just waste money and dont think and amass a pile of useless plasticy tat that one day will end up in a charity shop because they will die, leaving behind all their useless crap, it may even be that some one so obsessed wants to be buried with their hk crap, in a hk coffin with a hk grave stone-surely there are better ways to spend your time than collecting useless junk, i think you were right when you said that people instead of whinging to you should be more constructive and send out love instead of hate. Besides if you were that much of a bastard you wouldn’t be still married to your wife, in a way i think its kinda sweet that despite your loathing for the kitty, you love your wife enough to be interested in her stuff, enough to make a website about it, i bet secretly you have some hk boxers! haha

anyway thanks for the site it brightned my day, and thanks for rading my ramblings…

sanrio satire from beth x

Sanrio just read this and have already developed a plan to launch Hello Kitty anonymous…

Thought you might appreciate the HELLo my wife just added to our kitchen.
She handed me the printout of the order she placed at target and said thanks for the valentines day present. Just what I needed .. a pink kitchen
So I can now look forward to a morning of hello kitty toast and waffles to go with my hello kitty
coffee, and clean up with our hands free hello kitty soap dispenser … someone please shoot me now. Putting The SIN in SINcerely, — My Hazey Clarity

Typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…welcome to the club…

I’m going to confess to not getting the whole “Hello Kitty” thing myself. Having said that, our large volunteer group is headed by a woman (not my wife or girlfriend) who is putting tons of time into the group while working full-time and studying for her MBA.

Would a $20 “donation for bandwidth” be enough for you to make an exception to “don’t ask where it came from rule” for the USB aquarium? Please trust me when I say I’m embarrassed to be asking.

Additionally, I would also gladly include a 3′ inflatable hammer, a full sized whoopie cushion, and a container of fart putty from our dental prize cabinet for your help. In any case, thanks for your time. Friendly Regards — Howard

For her and the group’s sake, it an’t going to happen – (refer to crack addict comment above…)

Hello Kitty Online — MMORPG Beta

by

While I was earnestly hoping that this entire nightmare would simply go away, it appears that the readers here will not allow that since I have received over 40 emails to date letting me know that the Hello Kitty MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game) has launched. While over 40 emails from readers in itself is extremely disturbing (most with far too much exuberance), even more disturbing was the fact that I received an official press release from Sanrio Digital about this (how completely warped is that? There is something seriously wrong in the world when Sanrio begins sending me press releases…)

Hello Kitty online

As should come as no surprise, the press release shows that the Hello Kitty sticks with her true colors by making money (“The Item Mall allows players to use real money to purchase special items and upgrades for characters”) and creating violence (“Hello Kitty Online has an extensive crafting system with output such as tools & weapons…it has a sophisticated combat system”) key aspects to the game. You actually thought they would stop with Hello Kitty guns and Hello Kitty armoured personnel carriers?

Of course, my wife thinks that this game will somehow endear me to the evil feline since she knows I enjoy online games. “Don’t you just want to play?! Doesn’t it sound like the most fun ever?!” (those are questions that quickly lead to the couch and the Hello Kitty sleeping bag)

I wonder if the game will let you immediately commit suicide because even before being forced to try it out, I already know that is the only thing I’m ever going to want to do while playing it. Once again, Sanrio proves that they can always make my Hello Kitty Hell worse…

Sent in by Sanrio Digital (warning: as is to be expected from all things Hello Kitty related, annoying music will blast from your computer speakers) where all people working deserve to lose their jobs for thinking for one second that 1. creating this game was a good idea and 2. sending me a press release about it so my wife could know about it was in any way, shape or form a smart thing to do…