onezero

Hello Kitty Christmas Tree

by

You would think that there would be a law against this, especially during the holidays. I mean, seriously, how could anyone really view this as a good idea? (then again, I guess you could make that argument with virtually any Hello Kitty product…)

Hello Kitty Christmas Tree

There is nothing that says Christmas spirit like a tree covered in Pepto Bismol with the evil feline on top. Of course, my wife wants one, but thinks that the ornaments should be Hello Kitty too (see, it can get worse than this photo) If we end up getting one, I’ll have to down as much Pepto Bismol as is covering the tree to keep from getting sick — yeah, I know, it still won’t work, but I have to deceive myself that there is a possibility of hope while living in Hello Kitty Hell during the holidays…

Sent in by kris (via lilitu93) who really should have to dress up like the tree for the remainder of winter for even having the thought that sending this to me would ever be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Lantern Festival

by

You know it’s going to be another Hello Kitty Hellish day when an email with photos like this arrives – the Hello Kitty lantern festival:

Hello Kitty lantern festival

Hello Kitty lantern festival

Hello Kitty lantern festival

The second my wife saw these photos, she wanted to go. My mentioning that since the photos were posted online, it probably meant that the festival was already over (hoping beyond hope that this would somehow end the subject) didn’t dissuade her in the least bit (nothing dissuades a Hello Kitty fanatic once the Hello Kitty virus has entered their brain).

The unfortunate state of reality is that Hello Kitty is succeeding in taking over the world and it probably won’t be impossible to find another Hello Kitty lantern festival (just realizing this already has me more than a bit queasy). So I get to look forward to searching for Hello Kitty lantern festivals as part of my winter holiday. That certainly seems to perfectly sum up Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by kittysweet (via vkeong.com) who should suffer unspeakable torture for not only for thinking sending this to me was a good idea in any way, shape or form, but also for having a username that should definitely not be visiting this blog making it all the worse.

Hello Kitty Assault Rifle

by

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

Yes, we already know that Hello Kitty has a things for guns including AK47s and Armoured Personnel Carriers so it’s really no surprise that she would come out with another assault rifle:

Hello Kitty assault rifle

On the surface, a Hello Kitty gun just seems wrong (but then again, anything Hello Kitty could fit that description). But with a little more thought, one could argue there is something quite appropriate about the character that is all about “love and sweetness” displaying her true colors and what she is really all about (death and misery for all those Hello Kitty fanatics that needed a hint). I guess in the end, it really doesn’t matter because either way, it’s still misery in Hello Kitty Hell..

Sent in by far too many people who obviously have way too much time on their hands if they could ever even think that sending me this photo was a good use of their time…

Hello Kitty Hotel Room Video

by

The things about Hello Kitty fanatics is that they take something Hello Kitty that is already unbearable like the Hello Kitty hotel room (which one would assume could never get any worse) and combine it into a video with a song that takes it to as yet unknown nauseating level (warning: play the video at your own risk…)

I warned you. After listening to that once, I would rather have to listen to someone scratching their fingernails against a chalkboard for hours on end than listen to that again. Of course, my wife thinks it’s the “cutest thing ever” so it’s only a matter of time before it makes it way onto her playlist – ahhhh, the things I get to look forward to living in Hello kitty Hell…

How To Be Like Hello Kitty Guide

by

It’s stuff like this that scares the freaking Hello Kitty Hell out of me. I knew I was going to have nightmares as soon as I read the first sentence of this post:

“Have you ever felt the weird urge to be like Hello Kitty?”

Of course, now it’s like a train wreck. I know I don’t want to see any more, I know that I’m going to regret seeing any more and I know that I’m going to have terrible nightmares about anything beyond this first sentence that I do see. I know that I should simply stick my fingers into my eye sockets and rip them out because this gesture will be 100 times less painful than what I’m about to read, yet against all common sense my eyes drift to the next lines in the post:

1. Put your hair in two pigtails above your ears and put the little girl bow clips in your hair.
2. Get a jumper that goes down to your knees and wear it everyday.
3. Get all your friends call you “Kitty” though this could be taken wrong.
4. Learn to make Kitty’s expression of amazement.
5. When your sad, make your eyes big, get out one tear and pout.
6. Wear a lot of bright pink blush in little stripes over your cheekbones like Kitty when she blushes.
7. Always split things with your friends.
8. Talk in a little voice all the time.
9. Go to the park on your bike a lot.

I couldn’t go any farther. Some train wrecks are just too awful and gruesome and you have to turn away and that is exactly what I did. While a post about how to be like Hello Kitty is bad enough, the fact that people actually want to be her makes the entire concept well beyond wrong. Of course, my wife thinks that this is an absolutely normal and typical thing that any human being would want to do which simply reinforces the Hello Kitty Hell I live in…

Sent in by Patty who should actually have to read that post daily and attempt to follow it for even thinking it was remotely a good idea for her to send me a link to that post…

Hello Kitty Airport

by

If you are a non Hello Kitty fanatic, you probably can’t conceive of anything worse than flying on a Hello Kitty airplane for the holidays, but when it comes to the Hell that Hello Kitty places all Hello Kitty fanatic partners into, a Hello Kitty airplane would never suffice. If you’re going to go to the trouble of building a Hello Kitty airplane, you might as well also build a Hello Kitty airport:

Hello Kitty airport

Hello Kitty airport

Hello Kitty airport

Hello Kitty airport

Hello Kitty airport

While my wife thinks that this is the greatest idea in the world and now wants to travel on the Hello Kitty airplane even more, this is the type of thing that places the last straw on the camel’s back before breaking it. It would not surprise me in the least bit if they have to provide numerous Hello Kitty barf bags to all the Hello Kitty fanatic partners who are forced to suffer through this.

While I don’t normally support terrorist actions, if a group decided to take over this airport and bomb the building, I think they would be doing a service to mankind and receive the support of millions of people for whatever cause they may have. Since this is unlikely to happen, and since at some point I’m going to be forced to endure this torture, if you happen to see some guy continually barfing into a Hello Kitty barf bag in a corner attempting to shield himself of all the horror surrounding him, feel free to give your sympathy (while bringing some extra barf bags) to someone living in Hello Kitty Hell — it just might be me…

Sent in by Kitty Baby, who should have to live in that airport for the rest of her life for even thinking for a moment it would be a good idea to send me these photos…

Hello Kitty Chinese Wedding Day

by

Another doomed man to Hello Kitty Hell that has no idea what he has gotten himself into…

Hello Kitty Chinese wedding

The problem with Hello Kitty fanatics is that they are perfectly willing to humiliate their partner and place them into the depths of Hello Kitty Hell from day one and see absolutely nothing wrong with it (because wouldn’t everybody want to dress up as Hello Kitty?). Here is the explanation in the email:

On our wedding day, according to Chinese traditions, the groom will come to “collect” the bride from her parents house. But before he gets to see her, he has to play games and do stupid things before he is allowed through the gate to see his bride. I made the Hello Kitty head for him to wear complete with collar and bell :))…I was laughing the whole time I was sewing it.

Of course, my wife thought it was “sweet” and “adorable” – two words that were quite the opposite of how I would describe the situation. My sympathies go out to this man because what this poor soul doesn’t realize is that what he assumed was a one-time gag for fun is now the reality of the rest of his life…

Sent in by Gayle, who really should have to wear that costume each day for the rest of her life for thinking it was a good thing to send me this photo and whose husband is free to write for this blog at any time…

Hello Kitty Fanatic Fiance Doom

by

He’s doomed…

I too am a fellow sufferer in the depths of hello kitty hell. my fiance is a hello kitty fanatic of the highest caliber. (we are going to honeymoon in Japan, see if you can guess why)

I find myself torn between the love of my fiance and my hatred toward hello kitty. I’m a fan of you blog and it has prepared me for life with my own hello kitty fanatic.

If I had not had your experience to learn from I would have thought nothing of my fiance buying a hello kitty sleeping bag. When faced with my impending doom I became fear drunk and decided I needed to accept hello kitty into my life and preform some large gesture to cement my loyalty.

I agreed to get a hello kitty tattoo. Whats worse is that I’m a Norse Pagan and I agreed to get a tattoo of hello kitty made to look like Odin.(one doesn’t exist so i have to design it myself)

I’m risking retribution from the All Father in order to avoid the hello kitty sleeping bag. I was wondering if what I’m doing is a little too extreme, and if so how can I go back on my agreement without my lawyer having to draw up hello kitty divorce papers.

Help me please – Tony

All I can say is that this blog is only the tip of the iceberg and doesn’t even do Hello Kitty Hell true justice. If he thinks that reading this has prepared him, he’s in even more trouble than he knows. My advice: Feel free to contribute any time you want 😉

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume VII

by

Oh, you don’t think it would stop at a single Halloween costume sent to me in December, would you?

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

Of course not, this is Hello Kitty Hell. Once again we see Hello Kitty fanatics that are dressing up like Hello Kitty’s twin sister Mimmy (you know that Hello Kitty Hell is reaching all time lows when I am lecturing Hello Kitty fanatics that they aren’t dressing properly as Hello Kitty — damn, someone shoot me and put me out of my misery right now…) whether on purpose or mistake. It really doesn’t matter because to anyone who sees it, it’s terrifying either way…

Sent in by alison who should have to suffer a lifetime of lectures on proper fashion from the evil feline herself for even thinking it was a good idea to send this photo to me.

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume VI

by

Yes, it’s December and I’m still getting Halloween costume photos sent to me:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

I took one look at this and thought, “You know, this looks like a torture device that they would use on terrorists to suffocate them into submission” and the minute I did, it occurred to me that is exactly what Hello Kitty does…combine still getting Halloween costume photos in December with that and it pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Jenn who should have to wear that mask tied extra tightly at the neck for the rest of the year for thinking it was a good idea to send me this Halloween photo…