One mans hell with cute overload
Even though it’s completely obvious to any sane person that Hello Kitty and tattoos don’t mix, they keep arriving in my email box. I’m not sure what the fascination is with Star Wars and Hello Kitty tattoo combinations, but seeing as that there have already been a Hello Kitty Darth Vader tattoo and a Hello Kitty storm trooper tattoo, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that someone would feel the need to get a Hello Kitty Boba Fett tattoo:
I knew I had another Hello Kitty Hellish day coming when I opened up my email this morning. We already have established that the mixture of Hello Kitty and anything sexy is bound to produce something that is horror movie nightmarish and no matter how hard people try, Hello Kitty doesn’t make you hot and sexy. While Hello Kitty fanatics can’t seem to comprehend this universal truth, the following photo once again proves the point in the worst of ways:
It just never stops. When I listed the first set of Hello Kitty Tattoos, I naively thought that the topic wouldn’t come up again. It didn’t take long for the Hello Kitty Star Wars Storm Trooper tattoo to appear, then the Hello Kitty Batman tattoo which I, again, thought would put things to an end. But then there was the Hello Kitty zombie tattoo and then Hello Kitty zombie II tattoo. I felt those were never gong to be able to be topped until I saw the Hello Kitty scarification which pretty much clinched the title in my opinion, but alas, things always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…
I know you read the title of this post and were shaking your head in disbelief even before you looked at what I have written. You thought that I was exaggerating to draw you into the blog because there is no way in Hell (Hello Kitty or otherwise) that anyone would ever get a Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo. Hello Kitty fanatics are wacko, but there is a line even they will not cross, right? See, I have had that delusion too, but it always proves to be wrong because fanatics of the evil feline don’t know what a line looks like that shouldn’t be crossed. Thus, the Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo:
No problem, I’m more than happy to wait a few minutes while you clean up the mess on your computer screen and keyboard before writing more. Take your time and make sure that all food and drink have been expelled from your stomach before attempting to look again. No, it’s not a problem that you need to run to the bathroom again because while cleaning up you noticed that it really does say “Hello Kitty is my Jesus” – I’ve already been there and understand that the food just won’t stay down…
Each year I look at what Hello Kitty Hell the previous year provided and have a small glimmer of hope that things can’t get any worse. I pat myself on the back for surviving another year without gouging my eyes out with Hello Kitty forks (or spoons or chopsticks or basically any utensil since they have all been Hello Kittified) due to all the Hello Kitty that surrounds me and imagine that the worst is surely over. Then within the first two weeks of the New Year, something like this ends up in my mailbox to remind me that Hello Kitty Hell can always get worse and 2008 is going to bring unbearable amounts of Hello Kitty pain…
Sent in by tattoo artist Brian from Youngstown, Ohio who deserves the worst of the worst that Hello Kitty can offer for not only thinking for a second that it was a good idea to send this photo to me, but for also giving notice of what 2008 is going to be like in Hello Kitty Hell…
As has been well established, Hello Kitty by herself is frightening, but Hello Kitty fanatics rarely are able to leave this frightfulness alone. They have to test the limits. They do this by projecting that their love of Hello Kitty must also be shared by their pets. So they decide that placing a Hello Kitty face on their cats and dogs would be a good idea.
Now, one would assume that it could never get worse than this (mainly because it’s so nightmarishly frightening that nobody in their right mind would want to even try to take it further), but of course, it can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell. That is because once Hello Kitty fanatics have their cat and the Hello Kitty hood, they then think “Wow, wouldn’t it be great to create something with Hello Kitty like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?” The result? They make a group called “The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head” (although I wish I was, I kid you not…)
Of course, my wife thinks this is the greatest idea since Hello Kitty toast and wants to join. “Wouldn’t our cats just look adorable in that and then we could share their photos with everyone all over the world” (an informal poll of our cats say that they are siding with me that it would definitely not be “adorable” and have even indicated they will be willing to sleep with me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag if worst comes to worst).
According to the group leader of “The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head” is off to England and Australia — which begs the question – is there any doubt that it will one day make its way to Japan? And while this entire concept is nightmarishly frightening (the cats and I are still arguing whether it it more nightmarish for me or them), we all know that in Hello Kitty Hell this will somehow find a way to get worse…
Sent in by Valerie (via Hello Kitty Fan Club Catster Group – where there are many more photos for those who have the stomach — scroll to bottom) who should have to wear these Hello Kitty heads herself for the rest of her life to get a feeling of how these cats must feel for even considering that sending me the link was a good idea…
While everything Hello Kitty freaks me out, there are definitely some Hello Kitty items that freak me out more than others. It’s stuff like this that is definitely on the high end of freaking me out list – Hello Kitty contacts:
While it is fairly obvious that Sanrio has figured out a way to possess Hello Kitty fanatics, these contacts give that possession much too much reality. Seriously, this is something right out of a horror movie. Of course, my wife thinks they are “the cutest thing ever” and wants a pair.
I already have an image of me happily dreaming away about life free of the evil feline when my wife comes to wake me up, I sleepily open my eyes and I instantly have the &*&%$#@@ hell scared out of me — and this happened each and every morning for the rest of my life. And that is just the first moment of the day which would pretty much guarantee that Hello Kitty Hell moves to yet another unthinkable level…
Sent in by Ali who really should be punished in unthinkable ways for even considering for a split second that sending me this photo would be a good idea.
Update: The frightfulness continues:
Sent in by sarah
Sent ion by denise
Now they are advertising contacts for men:
Sent in by Alex
Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:
Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.
And onto the original post…
Yes, we already know that Hello Kitty has a things for guns including AK47s and Armoured Personnel Carriers so it’s really no surprise that she would come out with another assault rifle:
On the surface, a Hello Kitty gun just seems wrong (but then again, anything Hello Kitty could fit that description). But with a little more thought, one could argue there is something quite appropriate about the character that is all about “love and sweetness” displaying her true colors and what she is really all about (death and misery for all those Hello Kitty fanatics that needed a hint). I guess in the end, it really doesn’t matter because either way, it’s still misery in Hello Kitty Hell..
Sent in by far too many people who obviously have way too much time on their hands if they could ever even think that sending me this photo was a good use of their time…
The flow of Hello Kitty tattoos into my email box continues unabated for reasons I cannot fathom other than Hello Kitty fanatics think it is fun to nauseate me on a regular basis. The latest in the growing list is a Hello Kitty candy tattoo:
I like sweets as much as the next person, but you know when you eat too much and that sugar high quickly turns into an overwhelming feeling that all contents in your stomach should no longer be there. That is what it basically feels like to live in Hello Kitty Hell all the time making this tattoo aptly appropriate (although it would be more accurate with the vomit aftermath at the bottom).
Even worse, it doesn’t look like it is going to stop here:
I went threw 6 hours of pain for this and I will do it again!! And thank you for giving me more ideas for more Hello Kitty Tattoos.
Of course, my wife loves it. “Hello Kitty is always surrounded by sweetness. How could you not love a tattoo like that?”
Let me count the ways…
Sent in by Melissa who deserves a whole lot more than 6 hours of pain for thinking it was a good idea to email this to me…
Just when you think that Hello Kitty can’t possibly appear someplace more inappropriate than where she has already ventured, she once again shows that things can always get worse. It’s not often that I’m sent an e-mail with a Hello Kitty product that I’m not sure if I should despise or love — that is the current internal conflict that continues to rage within me in regard to the Hello Kitty urinal target.
There is something that is just completely wrong about any Hello Kitty item that invades a men’s bathroom which leads me to believe that I should despise this product. That being said, along with the fact that I have to see Hello Kitty every second in every other place that I go, the thought of being able to piss all over Hello Kitty (as she encourages me to do so) has quite a satisfying appeal to it and why I may be in love with this Hello Kitty product.
Of course something like this would never work at home. First off, installing a home urinal, while it would be fantastic from my point of view (and I assume any man’s, really), is not something that my wife (or any other woman) is going to let happen — even if there are Hello Kitty urinal targets. On the off chance that she did, there is absolutely no way that I would ever be able to use it as intended (see Hello Kitty toilet paper).
I can already imagine if I had accidentally come across this myself. After having a few too many beers to drink, I too would wander into a bathroom to relieve myself to find Hello Kitty staring back at me out of the urinal. At that moment one of two things would happen: 1) I’d freak out with the realization that there is absolutely no escape from the evil feline and would immediately be rushed to a mental hospital. 2) I would see my chance to piss all over Hello Kitty, do so and then go back and drink as much as I could so I could do it again and again. This would eventually leave me either passed out at the bar or back at home with the worst hangover ever. Either way, I’d end up losing in the end which is pretty much par for the course when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…
Thanks to Steve who I will definitely go out and have a few beers with (and possible many more) if I’m ever in Spokane just so that I can have the pleasure of pissing on Hello Kitty while being able to justify it even to a Hello Kitty fanatic…
Every time I get a new Hello Kitty tattoo sent to me, I naively think that the number of people who would ever consider doing something like that has been exhausted and no others will show up in my email box. Especially when I get one that is like the Hello Kitty zombie tattoo, I figure that there would not be any need for an alternative Hello Kitty zombie tattoo (isn’t a single Hello Kitty zombie tattoo enough?) Obviously, this is the hopeful delusions of someone stuck in Hello Kitty Hell because we all know that Hello Kitty is never satisfied with something until she has made a million versions. So it really shouldn’t have surprised me that a new Hello kitty zombie tattoo showed up in my email:
I would have pretty much determined that all these Hello Kitty tattoos are the sign of the Apocalypse being right around the corner except for the fact that we all know that Sanrio would be making Apocalypse Hello Kitty items in celebration of the event if it were that close at hand. You know it won’t be long before someone comes forward with a full body Hello Kitty tattoo and my ultimate fear is that it’s going to be my wife. It just shows that the evil feline can continue to drive my Hello Kitty Hell into deeper depths no matter how low she has ventured in the past.
Sent in by Andi who should have to get this tattoo (and all the others) for ever thinking it was a good idea to send this to me…
Once again, Sanrio and Hello Kitty provide another items that instantly becomes a front-runner for the most useless product in the world. Of course, this makes no difference to my wife that has her heart set on one of these Hello Kitty electronic toilet paper dispensers for Christmas:
In classic Hello Kitty sales pitch style, the advertising copy trumps the low cost of using this device which only uses $1 a year in power to operate. Of course, that savings has little meaning when the unit itself costs approximately $220 (24,000 yen) which Hello Kitty seems to have conveniently forgotten while explaining how energy efficient the gadget is. And what do you get for that $220? The Hello Kitty toilet paper dispenser can be pre-program so that your exact favorite length of toilet paper will appear when pressing the button. That’s right. You can choose one of nine different length settings (each 20 centimeters difference) so that you never have more or less toilet paper than you really want for $220 and $1 a year in energy costs (if the thing doesn’t break after the first few uses).
While it really couldn’t make our bathroom look any worse than it already does and we have the Hello Kitty toilet paper that would match it perfectly, there is always the inconvenient problem that I’m not actually allowed to use the Hello Kitty toilet paper for its intended purpose which pretty much makes the entire gadget useless which pretty much sums up all gadgets in Hello Kitty Hell…