One mans hell with cute overload
The never ending problem with Hello Kitty is that Sanrio and fanatics have learned that everyone has a price and therefore anything can be Hello Kittified. Want someone to make you a Hello Kitty beer stein for your Hello Kitty beer? Unfortunately, this is not a problem:
As with all things Hello Kitty, no matter how bad you think they have become, somewhere out there the evil feline is ready to show that things can always get worse. It was bad enough that they made a Hello Kitty cocktail, not to mention Hello Kitty wine, Hello Kitty sake and even Hello Kitty beer. From this one could expect that Hello Kitty whisky is just around the corner, but did someone really have to go and take it even a step further and create a Hello Kitty bar?
It’s bad enough when stuff gets Hello Kittified, but it takes on a whole new level of Hello Kitty scariness when the evil feline decides to try to add sexiness into the equation as well. There is no other way to explain the concept of this Hello Kitty mineral water:
Hello Kitty Hell just got a whole lot worse…There was a time when I said that the only two things that that had yet to be Hello Kittified were pizza and beer. Of course, the Hello Kitty pizza showed up in my mailbox pretty quickly after that, but the Hello Kitty beer had remained more elusive until now:
Mornings are never a good time of the day in Hello Kitty Hell since I never know what Hello Kitty themed food might show up in front of me. To combat this, I usually get a cup of coffee and sip it while reading the newspaper to prepare myself for what Hello Kitty food may appear before me. Until this week I always assumed that my coffee would be evil feline free. That is no longer the case since my wife has seen this photo and has set her sight on perfecting Hello Kitty coffee:
My wife and I were taking a walk today when she asked if I’d like some water. I said “yes” and was handed one of these:
Your eyes do not deceive you. The evil feline has her own line of bottled mineral water which I’m sure they have drugged with something that completely alters your perceptions of reality. I have no doubt about this because that is the only way my wife’s explanation makes any sense when she handed me a bottle: “The reason that it tastes so good and refreshing is that it’s filled with Hello Kitty love.”
Just another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…
Hmmmm, it’s not often that I receive a Hello Kitty email that has me torn between this being a good thing or a bad thing (believe me, 99.9% of Hello Kitty photos sent to me are bad things). On the one hand, it is definitely not a good sign that they have started to name drinks after Hello Kitty. On the other hand, if you have to have something Hello Kitty in Hello Kitty Hell, having it come with strong alcohol included (to dull the inevitable pain) is certainly a plus. And unlike the Hello Kitty Sake and Hello Kitty Red Wine, this can’t really be saved for display. Thus I introduce to you the Hello Kitty Martini
Ingredients:
3 oz strawberry vodka
1/2 oz gin
1 1/2 oz peach schnapps
Directions:
Add all the above ingredients into a martini glass pouring over crushed ice. Stir well then garnish the glass with a strawberry (Hello Kitty bow)
Maybe the house won’t look quite so bad if I have a handful of these each night 😉
Thanks (I think) to dlbuegirl
When I wrote about Hello Kitty Rice Wine (sake) a bit ago, you knew that if they made rice wine, they must make regular Hello Kitty wine. We found it at a local store today and of course my wife needed to get a bottle to display with the sake:
I learned my lesson from the last experience and submitted to not being able to drink it (which actually is probably a good idea – I’m not sure that drinking Hello Kitty wine is something that anyone should do during their lifetime…even with its hefty $25 a bottle price tag, something tells me it will taste more like syrup than wine. Something like liquid Hello Kitty pop tarts.
It seems like a fitting purchase for Hello Kitty Hell. Something way overpriced that I will have no chance of ever drinking, but then again, probably thankful that I never had the chance to drink it. So I pay $25 for something that I am actually thankful that I can’t ever consume – that is pure Hello Kitty Hell logic.
Update: Apparently Hello Kitty wine has become popular enough to now come in different varieties – of course, I still can’t consume any of them…
And (unfortunately) the varieties keep coming:
Sent in by far too many readers via lv weekly
Stephen Colbert weighs in on Hello Kitty wine:
| The Colbert Report | Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Tip/Wag – Hello Kitty Wine & Pig’s Blood Filters | ||||
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Last year at this time my wife and I almost had a first in Hello Kitty Hell – a Hello Kitty item that both my wife and I agreed upon was worth buying: Hello Kitty Sake (rice wine). I figured if it could get me drunk, it couldn’t be all that bad of a thing and so I agreed that it was OK to buy it without any complaints.
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As you can see, we still have the bottle – once we had the bottle in hand and I was ready to break the seal and sip some of my reward for agreeing to get the Hello Kitty sake, I was told that I wasn’t allowed to drink it:
wife: “If you drink it, then we can no longer display it.”
me: “Isn’t drinking the point of buying sake?”
wife: “No, the point is to display it and enjoy how cute it is”
me: “…(thinking why didn’t I see this coming?)”
Of course, this year we are going to have to purchase another bottle that will never see my lips to keep last year’s bottle company…and a reminder that yet another year of Hello Kitty Hell just around the corner…