Hello Kitty Douche

Because there is absolutely nothing that the evil feline won’t Hello Kittify (and some things that are just too “wtf” for anyone but the people at Sanrio to think of), may I introduce you to the Hello Kitty douche:

Hello Kitty douche

There are not many Hello Kitty products that leave me speechless, but this is one of them. Seriously, what else really is there to say?

From Laisa in the comments who gets a pass just because there aren’t many Hello Kitty products that can leave someone living in Hello Kitty Hell with nothing to say…

Hello Kitty Underwear

While I find everything Hello Kitty disturbing, there are some things that turn up the disturbed barometer a bit more than others. I’m still having trouble figuring out if this Hello Kitty underwear that Sanrio is producing in multiple patterns is for boys or girls:

Hello Kitty underwear

Hello Kitty underwear

In either case, they are just plain wrong. And a closer look tells you just how wrong they are. What exactly is Hello Kitty trying to sell here?

Hello Kitty underwear

Yes, you read that correctly. This is Hello Kitty kid’s underwear with “Juicy and Sweet” right across the crotch and the question “Want a bite?” directly above. I’m not too sure how appropriate that is for adult underwear, let alone children’s. Then again, it doesn’t seem like Sanrio is having much of a problem selling adult themed products masquerading as something else these days…

Hello Kitty eCard

Hello Kitty Hell takes on new dimensions of Hellishness when I begin receiving Hello Kitty ecards in celebration of Hello Kitty’s birthday:

Hello Kitty ecard

Just wanted to say that I like your blog, even if you are a hater. =)

I’m a Hello Kitty Fan, my husband is not, he feels your pain and understands. One day the both of you will come to share in the pure bliss that is Hello Kitty. We, your wonderful wives will welcome you into the light, we’re givers like that. You know how fabulous we are (you married us) and you also know we’re always right – we love Hello Kitty, ergo she’s good.

BTW – Have a Happy Hello Kitty Birthday Celebration!

I actually like your blog (you keep me up to date with some HK merchandise I didn’t know about). However I will continue to pray for your Hello Kitty enlightenment.

The simple fact that Hello Kitty ecards exist is quite disappointing. That one would ever be sent to me moves the level up to disturbing. That anyone would think it’s a good idea to send one to me in celebration of Hello Kitty’s birthday does nothing but fire up the flames in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent to me by *Hello Kitty Fan* (with a username like that, you know there is going to be nothing but Hello Kitty Hell) who should be forced into a padded room with no Hello Kitty for an extended period of time until the evil feline has been completely detoxified from her system (and I know I have the full support of you husband in this endeavor).

Vibrator Reborn

Oh, the irony. For anyone who thought that Hello Kitty wasn’t first and foremost out to make a buck, the following newly released item should put that to rest. Many of you know that there was a Hello Kitty vibrator that was made about 10 years back, but had been discontinued. Most people are aware of the history of the shoulder massagers, but in case you aren’t, here are the basics:

Hello Kitty vibrator pink

It all started back in 1997 when Sanrio gave a license to Genyo Co. to make a number of different Hello Kitty products. They produced all different types of products and one that was approved was a Hello Kitty shoulder massager. This was sent out to gift shops, restaurant chains, and other knick-knack stores and was truly sold as a shoulder massager around Japan initially.

It wasn’t long, however, that some people decided to use the shoulder massagers to massage other areas besides their shoulders. The Hello Kitty shoulder massagers that were being sold at the store down the street began to show up in adult movies. Soon they were also being sold in adult video shops and the sales of the product skyrocketed. Eventually it made its way online to be sold internationally as a “must have” sex toy.

When Sanrio found out that the shoulder massager was being sold as a sex toy, they claimed to be disgusted, especially since the Sanrio name and Hello Kitty character were on it. They immediately contacted Genyo Co. and asked them to stop. The Hello Kitty vibrator had at this point gained cult status and was selling like hotcakes and Genyo Co. had no intention of letting a hugely profitable product be taken off the shelf just because people were using it to stimulate other parts than intended. Sanrio tried to revoke Genyo’s licensing rights, but Genyo refused saying they had a valid license that had been approved and had spent much money developing the product.

The fight between the two companies continued until Genyo Co.’s top officials found themselves in tax trouble for some shady business dealings they were involved with. This gave Sanrio the reason they needed to revoke the license and Sanrio took the “shoulder massagers” off the market. The shoulder massagers that were still in outlets were soon bought up and sold as collector items sometimes reaching over $100 on eBay.

Since Sanrio was supposedly so disgusted and enraged by this “shoulder massager,” you can imagine my surprise when I received an email letting me know that they have revived it – selling it for just over $10 (1260 yen) in the Sanrio Japanese online store:

Hello Kitty vibrator should massager

Oh, but it gets even better. Not satisfied to come out with only the same thing they had in the past, it now is also available in black:

Hello Kitty vibrator black

This development of the “shoulder massager” being sold again is especially disturbing to all those that live in Hello Kitty Hell. At the end of the day, that is the last place you want to see Hello Kitty no matter how much pleasure the Hello Kitty fanatic claims that Hello Kitty brings. If this is the type of news the holiday season is going to be bringing me, it’s definitely going to be the most Hello Kitty Hellish one ever…

Thanks to Noa who really should be given some unspeakable torture treatment for even having the thought that letting my wife know these existed was a good idea…

Update: It appears they are available in red and lavender as well:

Hello Kitty vibrator set

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume III

It seems that the Halloween demons led by the evil feline have decided that they will continue to torture me even though the holiday is over. Yet more Halloween scariness sent my way in the form of another Hello Kitty Halloween costume:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

I image this is a preview to what a Hello Kitty convention would be like and just the thought of it is making the indigestion begin already…

Sent in by Dorian who, like the others, really should have to wear this year round as punishment for extending my Hello Kitty Halloween misery…

Hello Kitty WoW Halloween

If you thought the Hello Kitty World of Warcraft user interface was as bad as it could get, Hello Kitty once again proves that it’s always possible to get worse. Thus we find that Hello Kitty is now providing holiday themed Hello Kitty Wow user interfaces:

Hello Kitty wow Halloween

This is what makes Hello Kitty so annoying. Not only does she Kittify everything in her path, once she has Kittified it so you think it can never get worse, she’s really only just begun — and that when the different themes start arriving. Is there really any doubt that we will be seeing a Hello Kitty World of Warcraft Christmas theme in the future? Makes you want to run to the bathroom just thinking about it, doesn’t it?

Sent in by grace via Joi’s Flickr Photos, who should have to play all her games with a Hello Kitty theme for the rest of her life for extending my Halloween horror another day and thinking it could be a good idea in any way for me to see this…

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume II

It was bound to happen. Thinking that I could finally leave the Hello Kitty nightmare of Halloween (costumes and pumpkins) behind and begin to concentrate on what travesties Hello Kitty Christmas has in store for me, Hello Kitty fanatics would have none of that. One felt it was necessary to send me another Hello Kitty homemade Halloween costume:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

Here is a little advice to remember whenever you have a costume to wear.

1. If your main objective is to make men run away from you screaming in terror, this is the perfect costume for you to wear.

2. If your main objective is to humiliate your partner to no end, this is the costume to wear.

3. If your main objective is to get yourself labeled as a Hello Kitty fanatic, this is the costume to wear.

4. If you want to live a relatively normal life and not traumatize the people you love, this is not the costume to wear.

I would have thought that showing photos of people placing these Hello Kitty heads on cats and dogs would have been enough to send the hint that they also would not be very fashionable on humans, but alas, I once again have greatly underestimated the fashion sense of Hello Kitty fanatics…

Sent in by Rachel who should have to wear that thing around every day of the year for thinking it was a good idea to send the photo to me.

Hello Kitty Coughs Up Hairball

When it comes to Hello Kitty, there aren’t many things that bring a smile to my face, but this was one of them – Hello Kitty coughing up a hairball:

I’m not sure why I enjoyed this so much. Maybe it’s because we now know what is truly inside Hello Kitty. Maybe it’s because I think that it’s a fitting tribute to Hello Kitty for all I will have to put up with today since it is Hello Kitty’s birthday (believe me, you don’t even want to know what I’m going to have to suffer through today…). But probably it’s mostly because it’s nice to finally see Hello Kitty suffering the same feeling I get every time one of her new products comes out and makes its way to our house…

Sent in by glory, who definitely will get a beer from me if we ever meet.

Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick

Since it is the holiday season, Hello Kitty would never be satisfied with reintroducing a new Hello Kitty laptop look and adding a Hello Kitty mouse. She would demand more and of course, NEC would produce it in the form of a Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick:

Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick

Hello Kitty mouse memory stick

And because it is Hello Kitty, that 1GB of memory costs $135 (15,750 yen). With the computer likely coming to me as a present, and the mouse as a stocking stuffer, is there really any doubt that this will be hanging on the tree as a very expensive ornament? You know you’re living in Hello Kitty Hell when Halloween isn’t even over and you are already having heart palpitations when thinking about what Christmas is going to be like…

Hello Kitty Swarovski Computer Mouse

Of course, NEC couldn’t simply stop with a new computer look. They had to create more bling to make Hello Kitty fanatics drool with dreamy lust as their significant others looked on in gut-wrenching pain. Thus the introduction of the Hello Kitty Swarovski crystal bead heart shaped mouse:

Hello Kitty mouse

Hello Kitty mouse memory stick

Of course, this Hello Kitty fanatic lust has a price: $110 (12,600 yen) for a computer mouse. Should I be expecting this as a stocking stuffer to go along with the computer? Those are the thoughts that run through the mind when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…